Is this normal in a relationship?

T4two · 15-06-2022 6:05am #1

I'm no longer in this relationship but am working on my low self-esteem after a bad breakup and things that were said or done. He criticised my flat ( old house, converted into flats) by saying it was boring, bed too small, shower too small, needed more kitchen utensils; made fun of my car, told me when to overtake etc: constantly praised his own cooking, never once complimenting mine; liked to quiz me on things in general and made fun of my music choices.

Now, this wasn't all the time and he'd many good points, but everything he did/ had, I felt, had to be superior or better.

Is this normal banter in a relationship or something more, because I'm just not sure?

airy fairy · 15-06-2022 6:14am

No it's not. Making fun of your life, things you own, things you do, where you live, what you drive, isn't banter. That's nasty.

Relationships are about making each other feel good. Making each other smile. Building each other up when feeling down. Supporting each other. Being aware of each other's feelings. Being just plain and simple nice to each other. You only get one shot of life. You've had a lucky escape.

Jequ0n · 15-06-2022 7:25am

Sounds like he should be working on his low esteem too.

Gant21 · 15-06-2022 7:29am

He was probably on the dole himself and living with his parents. Sounds like a looser op you made the right break.

wylo · 15-06-2022 7:35am

Depends on the context, how often it was going on and what level of seriousness there was in his tone, while it’s probably not too normal I would say if you’re saying he had many good points then it’s hard to say. As in it might have been just a really bad habit he had that would have stopped if it was called out. Or he might just be a bit of an asshole or just had a bad sense of humour. Telling you when to overtake is a bit controlling and very annoying.

YellowLead · 15-06-2022 8:40am

This is definitely not normal behaviour.

Its great that you recognise that you have low self esteem so now you can begin to address it. Don’t let things he said and how he treated you carry into your future. Recognise he is just one person and how he saw you and treated you is not how others will, he is not reflective of most people. Now you have the space to recover, and in time, meet somebody who respects and cares for you.

Its all part of the recovery process for you to see that this was not a good relationship and that him ending it was the best thing that could happen, as you might not have had the will to.

Next time somebody tells you that your flat isn’t good enough tell them to piss off and certianly don’t give them space in your life.

Ash.J.Williams · 15-06-2022 8:45am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058250281/is-this-normal-in-a-relationship

none of that is normal, never accept that crap

RojaStar · 15-06-2022 9:54am

Context is important, however a good rule of thumb is if it makes you feel bad, then it's not good. And I'm not being smart there. Regardless of your partners's intentions with comments, how they make you feel is what's important and they should stop if you point out that it upsets you.

Separately it would be good for you to continue to work on your self esteem. For example, someone with higher self esteem could have thought things like - well this not my forever home, it's what I can afford now and I am doing a good job of living independently. I have my own car and am not relying on anyone else for transport. That's the perfect amount of kitchen utensils for me etc. In other words f@$k off I'm doing just fine thank you!

Neyite · 15-06-2022 10:36am

He sounds like a miserable dose.

You are well rid.

bottlebrush · 15-06-2022 1:54pm

People like that can only feel tall by cutting the heads off others. It's essential that they feel superior and they do that by causing others to feel inferior. And even if you address it and they stop, it could manifest itself in other ways e.g. silent treatment, sulking etc. Because they have low self esteem and don't have the insight to realise they need to work on raising that instead of lowering the self esteem of the people they are with.

Their good points are used to justify their bad points - to keep you on the hook. If he was bad all the time, you'd have run in the first instance. This is why it's confusing.

I'm not certain you have low self esteem. It's been shaken by this experience but once you realise there are specific reasons behind such behaviour, you can look out for patterns in future with new people you meet.

T4two · 15-06-2022 5:08pm

Thanks for opinions and good to know I wasn't being over-sensitive. And I'm not trying to run him down but rather build myself up, if that makes sense, and understand why I ignored red flags maybe.

retalivity · 15-06-2022 5:10pm

How long were you together? Was this something that was always the case or got progressively worse?

Gorteen · 15-06-2022 5:11pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119207493#Comment_119207493

Sounds like you're a bit of a saint to have tolerated that kind of low-level abuse.... Be confident in yourself and in time to come you'll realise you avoided a lifetime of misery....

cezanne · 15-06-2022 5:21pm

The whole purpose of a relationship is to have a person in your corner who builds you up and supports you and you in turn do the same anything short of this is just an arse-hole. Lucky escape, spend a year learning to love yourself and treat yourself to little things tell yourself you are a lovely person.

Your so called companion had low self esteem and in order to feel good he had to knock you down & belittle you what a low life, pond scum you are better off alone. So many women put up with so much **** in order to have a boyfriend, this is self harm. Well done if you dumped him.

Tork · 15-06-2022 9:15pm

Banter is such a misunderstood and misused word. The first definition of it that came up for me in Google is "the playful and friendly exchange of teasing remarks." All too often, banter is used as a term to describe less pleasant behaviour rather than label it for what it is. I'm thinking here of bullying or belittling behaviour in particular. Back to your original question, no it isn't normal. This guy isn't someone I'd like to have in my life as a colleague or an acquaintance, let alone a romantic partner. I don't think I could even be friends with someone with an attitude like that. I'm sure that until he came along and started commenting on your flat, your car etc. you were happy with what you had. And so you should be! There are a lot of people who would love to have a flat or a car or many of the other things you have. As for your flat being "boring". What's that about? Surely he was visiting your flat to enjoy your company?

lawred2 · 15-06-2022 9:19pm

He sounds like a prick

T4two · 16-06-2022 7:30am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119207500#Comment_119207500

Together almost five years. At the start, I used to kind of laugh it off, then after a while it annoyed me.

T4two · 16-06-2022 7:31am

"I'm sure that until he came along and started commenting on your flat, your car etc. you were happy with what you had. And so you should be!"

Yes, I was, and nobody else ever commented on them!

retalivity · 16-06-2022 8:32am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119209417#Comment_119209417

I asked to see if it was something that grew or if it was straight out the gate. TBH, i'm amazed you put up with it for 5 years, negativity like that with someone new would be a massive red flag. You're definitely better off, some people are eternal whingers but would at least have the decency/cop-on to tone it down when trying to build a relationship.

cj maxx · 16-06-2022 10:58pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119208420#Comment_119208420

More than that he is IS an absolute Prick . With a capital, P . I'm glad you're free fom the relationship. Now your only goal is forget all his put downs , prioritise yourself and rebuild your self confidence,, self worth. I wish youthe best