Drunk messages

Printer25

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119187178#Comment_119187178

I feel mature but perhaps you're right. I am naive and I wasn't fully seeing the bigger picture. Focused on the positive traits in him, that I felt they outweighed the drinking. He is a beautiful sweet guy but deeply unhappy at times and not quite able to express emotions. He is embarrassed to cry in front of me. Hides it...I thought until now that I brought him happiness but the unhappiness is there for him in the relationship while he seeks out contact with exs. Drink makes people nostalgic and possibly missing whatever she brought into his life but the lovingly messages indicate a deception that I can't ignore. It is the straw on the camels back for me to finally wake up.

Printer25

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119186377#Comment_119186377

That is chillingly accurate isn't it. I have a soft heart like my mother and forgive easily and she covered up for him all the time. Even had to parent alone.

Big Bag of Chips

You have the right frame of mind. Over the years I threatened to walk away, but never did. And he knew the threats weren't real. I knew the threats weren't real! I wasn't ready to walk away and we both knew that.

So, when I actually did it we both realised it was real. I didn't do it to get a reaction from him or to get his attention. Me walking away was never about him. It was about me.

You'll be OK. Definitely try find yourself a good Al-Anon group. My one changed my life.

cj maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119186589#Comment_119186589

To to quantify by comment above, I'm a regular drinker out of pure habit but I have never ever drunk to a state where I passed out due to it.

Printer25

My finance used to get very drunk and sent inappropriate messages a girl he was with 10 yrs ago. They had a friends with benefits type of arrangement. We are together 8 yrs. He says the drink makes all men think about sex and that is why he intiates conversations with this girl as ' he enjoyed it'. He has never done it sober and when he has done it, has forgotten he even texted her. This girl reached out to tell me about it. He has given up alcohol 100% since I cancelled the engagement and I told him I'd never be with a guy with alcohol issues. Is it possible to move past the messages with this girl and the fact he thinks about sex with her when that drunk? Is that understandable somehow? Or a big red flag still even with the alcohol being gone?

...Ghost...

You already covered this in another thread => https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058249499/drunk-messages#latest

Take the advice given there.

Printer25

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119236729#Comment_119236729

I have though, I have ended the engagement but he has quit drink altogether since and he wants to try again. So if the drink isn't an issue anymore,should I stop reading into the drunk messages and try again sometime in the future him? He seems committed to cutting out alcohol altogether

...Ghost...

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119237145#Comment_119237145

Given that the content is in the other thread, you might be best advised to post back there which might bring back the original contributors.

Printer25

I have ended the engagement and left the relationship for a break until I had to process it all after the shock of it all. He has not touched alcohol since, got a counsellor and joined the gym. He is determined to quit alcohol and he is finally enjoying his life again. He is working through his issues. He wants to be with me and he is doing this not only for him but us. Emotionally though he has offered some explanation of the drunk messages and that is when he is drunk he thinks of her as he enjoyed the sex with her but when sober, he is ashamed of himself for doing it and is adamant he doesn't have feelings for her. He admitted that when sober he knew he did was texting her the night after but he couldn't face telling me due to the shame and fear of losing me. He said he was consumed with feelings that I was losing interest me when drinking but he never mentioned feeling that way when he was sober..Can the relationship be recovered? I don't trust him currently but should I trust him again if the drink is gone. Are the texts themselves meaningless and just a consequence of heaving drinking or are they still a red flag issue?? He wants to try again and is working through his issues but are the trust issues I have still valid? Again apologies but I am trying to protect him and our privacy by not yet discussing it openly with anyone.

YellowLead

I think only time will tell - one step at a time. Very smart to end the engagement and take some time out of the relationship. It would be very easy to say a leopard doesn’t change its spots, and you will likely carry trust issues forward - but he could be one of the ones who comes through and wants to turn his life around for himself. But much time is needed to see.

Big Bag of Chips

Alcoholism/Alcohol abuse is a very complex issue. It can make people do things they would never consider doing sober. But.. That doesn't change the fact he did it and then lied about not remembering. He tried, and is still trying to somehow make it your fault - He thought you were losing interest etc.

This isn't something that happened once off over a weekend. His excessive drinking was going on for a long time. Texting her was going on a long time. You still don't know if it stopped at texting or if he actually cheated on you. Not with her, but some other woman he came on to when out and was feeling sorry for himself because he thought you were "losing interest". Did you ever cheat on him? Even when you thought he was losing interest?

It's only been a few days. You need to take a lot of time to watch, and see how likely he is to fall back to old habits. He's on his best behaviour now. But can he keep it up?

As for the texts, and you trusting him again, that's something only you can decide. And only time can help you with. If you think it was too disrespectful to your relationship, that's OK. You have the right to not want to get back with him. If you think he deserves a chance and is taking the right steps to prove to you how sorry he is, that is also OK. Just be very careful of taking on responsibility for his failings. Be careful of falling into the trap of listening to his - I only did x because you were doing y.

He's an adult man. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions. If you were doing something that he was upset about the correct thing to do is talk to you. Not text an ex when he was drunk and horny.

Read this - And find an Al-Anon group. You're going to need it if you decide to give him a chance. It will help you work through how you are feeling. It'll be a space for you to figure out what has been going on and how you feel about it.

Jequ0n

So you think he is a changed person and no longer an addict after he stayed off the booze for (less than?) 2 weeks?

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but judging by this and your more recent thread it sounds like you are still far more concerned about the drunk messages than the addiction.

Big Bag of Chips

@Jequ0n The OP is entitled to be concerned about anything in her relationship. Relationship issues are rarely present in isolation. She had normalised his drinking. Had almost accepted it. And then she found out he was abusing her trust and going behind her back texting another woman. That brings another dimension and one she is right to properly consider. If this is the thing that makes her realise that she has been accepting unacceptable behaviour, then good. If she wasn't considering this aspect she might already have gone back to him because he's doing all the right things now. She wouldn't be the first.

Being in a relationship with an alcohol abuser isn't a straight line OP. I think you need to go get yourself some counselling, or an Al-Anon group to try pick through everything. Living with a problem drinker messes with your head. It skews your thinking. AA is a recovery programme for those with alcohol issues. Al-Anon is a recovery programme for their loved ones. You need to focus on your own recovery first, before you can even begin to think about him/his.

Big Bag of Chips

@ryna23 welcome to the Personal Issues Forum. I've deleted your post.

Please read The Forum Charter before posting.

Printer25

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119237705#Comment_119237705

Thank you so much Big Bag of chips . I can honestly say every word you say means so much as the empathy you have is really touching. I did normalise the drinking and the messages did abuse the trust. I never knew about Al Anon group. Yes emotionally I am struggling and I am not talking to anyone to protect him and privacy. I need to talk to someone though as it is all only 2 weeks and I feel waves of very mixed up emotions. He wants the hope of us recovering from this and maybe I am putting pressure on myself to come to a decision but the decision may just be clearer with time. It is very hard to reach out when I feel this way and i don't want to feel judged or be rejected by people as it would only add to the emotional struggling I am already going through. You are 100% right, it took this to make me realise the drinking was no longer acceptable..I feel so relieved that you/someone understands that.

Girl Geraldine

It's over.

Finish it and leave. Block him on everything and delete his number and don't entertain any roundabout ways he might try to contact you with "flying monkies".

Any hassle, go the the gardai about a safety order.

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119238537#Comment_119238537

If this was happening to your family member that you care about, what advice would you give them? It's very hard to look objectively at a situation when romantic feelings are involved. Remember you deserve the best and should be treated with respect. Here If you ever need a chat.

...Ghost...

You may decide that this is not worth the effort to work through the issues of alcoholism and his drunken unacceptable behaviour. Only you can make that decision but you need to take time and not feel pressured, so make that clear to him.

If he is serious about correcting these issues, then it could be the best thing that’s ever happened. Sometimes we need to be shocked out of bad behaviour and people can fantastic changes from terrible situations. I would tread carefully and be sure he is making the right moves, such as properly dealing with the booze….which means joining AA, getting professional help and being honest.

I don’t see his explanation of feeling you had been losing interest as a way of blaming you though. I think it was just him telling you he is insecure. Being insecure can make you feel you need constant reassurance and it needs to be dealt with.

I hope no matter what, it works out. Good luck.

89897

Massive big red flag all round!! Maybe some men thing of sex more when drunk, it absolutely does not make men text other people inappropriately when drunk, while they are in happy committed relationships.

Theres two issues here- 1. Getting so drunk he doesnt remember texting other women (though I wouldnt believe a word of that) and 2. texting other women drunk or not.

Hes playing games, the alcohol is only part of the issue.

Printer25

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119238616#Comment_119238616

Thank you very much ..Helpful advice and it means a lot..

standardg60

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119238616#Comment_119238616

Don't agree with this at all to be honest. For me 'thought you were losing interest' is a feeble excuse and an attempt to shift the blame to the OP, they were engaged at the end of the day. Secondly i feel the drinking is masking unhappiness rather than simply addiction. He now admits remembering the texts so it wasn't a case of drinking to blacking out (another excuse).

Maybe it was the impending wedding which was bringing things to a boil for him, drinking and crying out for help to the ex of all people, after eight years with the OP.

There is no going back for me here, OP deserves better and he needs to deal with the ex issues, if that's possible.

Big Bag of Chips

@Printer25 I have merged your 2 threads. There is no need to start multiple threads on the same topic.

...Ghost...

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119240952#Comment_119240952

You don't have to agree with it. It's the OP who needs to decide on the best course of action. We know very little of the situation and of the OP and partner, so it's all too easy to say end it as we have no skin in the game. It's also reckless if anyone suggests this without having any detail or insight.

standardg60

It's hardly reckless, OP is looking for advice and opinions, they don't have to follow any of them. I'm posting based on my thoughts as a man as how i would perceive his behaviour which the OP wouldn't be familiar with.

We could all post ah feel for you but it's up to you and hope it works out heart emojis and feel great about ourselves for empathising.

...Ghost...

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119241205#Comment_119241205

It is reckless to encourage the OP to end the relationship. While she doesn’t have to follow any advice here, she is clearly confused, conflicted and likely not in her right frame of mind.

As a man, I don’t assume to know very much about her situation; certainly far too little to tell her to toss her fiancé and move on. But I do know that taking a step back, communicating honestly and setting boundaries will help the OP no matter her decision. No heart emojis needed for those of us with a mature way of communicating our views.

anewme

OP, I think you need to put yourself first and focus on your own recovery. You can’t control his behaviour, only your own so do what’s best for you.

He needs to sort himself out, you are not his Mother.

This is No. 1 on the list of “what I wished I knew before we got married”. You’ve got the warning, take it as your lucky day. Too many others find this out after the fact when they are stuck and that’s when resentment really kicks in.

life is hard enough without creating additional drama, at the end of the day, finding someone honest and good to you is priority, it’s not this guy.

Printer25

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119241485#Comment_119241485

I identify better on this perception to be honest. I was in complete shock, i am now conflicted and emotionally struggling and the setting boundaries from here on it will help both of us.My inability to set boundaries from the beginning of the relationship was my failing. I take the decision that is to be made seriously. I am taking the time out to make the decision. I have to work through my trust issues while he works through his alcohol issues. Both of us needed to review our communication issues as him ' feeling I was losing interest' should have been communicated to me and I need to communicate clearly now on what I will accept going forward and start putting my feelings first instead of his.

..

Airyfairy12

He has drink problems and messages his ex when he's drunk, he is most definitely making moves on other women when he's out and no doubt women has responded to his advances in the past . Telling you he 'doesn't remember' is his way of dodging any blame or accusations for his own behaviour. If you marry him, this behaviour won't stop, you'll just be married to an alcoholic who cheats on you. Is that what you want your future to be like? BTW he won't change! He might for a short time until he wins you back and gains your trust but he is who he is.