Is this "Friendship" Abusive or Misunderstood?

miamee

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119135923#Comment_119135923

If that is your focus then great. Do it without this guy. You can distance yourself from him without causing any professional issues. Talk to him about projects etc. but don't believe him about them until they materialise although personally I'd be looking for my own opportunities rather than relying on him. It sounds like youare successful in your own right so why not continue doing that? To answer your question about the friendship being abusive or misundertood, I'd lean towards the former but I wouldn't even class it as a friendship.

friendshipissue

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119136010#Comment_119136010

At one point, I did cut him off entirely. In fact, he recommended it - and I accepted this and we both moved on.

4-5 months later, he was emailing me asking how I was. I ignored the email, but it happened every 3-4 months, he'd try to contact me - even after the above recommendation that we go our own way.

So this has already been tried, and he recommended it - then repeatedly broke it to try and sustain some sort of friendship.

About a year later, he recommended me to someone, and we re-established relations from there. But as I say, now this promise of projects has started again...

Jequ0n

“I could be overthinking it but, if his intention is to repeat what happened in the past, I'll have no choice but to cause mass disruption.”

Take it from someone who has a habit of destroying things when things don’t go my way: if you know that this is the likely outcome of this business venture then do yourself a favour and remove yourself from the equation before the anger kicks in. You will damage yourself in the process.

You don’t sound like you have your emotions well under control.

friendshipissue

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119136064#Comment_119136064

I do have my emotions in control, but why would I allow someone to conduct themselves in what would clearly be an abusive way?

Just forget it, and let them get away with it?

Or fight my corner, and make sure that a price is paid.

I know which of the two sound favourable and just to me.

Now this hasn't happened yet, and it may not happen, but it's just a concern of mine given what has transpired in the past.

I get the point about fighting your corner, but you can also choose not to step in the ring in the first place. Which is kinda what the advise given seems to be.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119136075#Comment_119136075

Because you sound like you are trying to lay the narrative to justify your revenge strike.

Everyone posting here has expressed confusion why you’d pursue this “friendship” when you are expecting to be let down (again).

If you want to go ahead with this approach then do it, but don’t play the victim card.

friendshipissue

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119136118#Comment_119136118

So what is the alternative?

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that he comes to me saying that these 2 projects are now well established - even earning, knowing what kind of reaction this will illicit in me.

Are you saying that I should just block him there and then, as evidence came to light that proved my concern?

Because if I were to block him now, I'd never know if I was ever wrong (or right).

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119136138#Comment_119136138

Maybe I am missing something here but what is the problem with the above scenario? If you are happy with the 50:50 split and the agreed arrangement then go for it. You aren’t friends but occasional business partners.

It has nothing to do with being right or wrong.

friendshipissue

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119136157#Comment_119136157

It's that his claim of doing the two projects was fiction to begin with. It's to make me emotionally invested and connected to these project ideas.

His plan all along is to develop them, then to release the information at a later stage that these were already being pursued and they're making cash.

That way, he can punish me for copying the other two businesses from several years ago.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119136168#Comment_119136168

Well don’t emotionally invested then, so it doesn’t matter if the projects don’t go ahead. That should be possible since you claim that you have your emotions well in check.

Honestly, just put this behind you and go separate ways from now on. The more you post the clearer it becomes what you are after. If you want to go down that route then knock yourself out. But you are not an abused victim here.

Good luck.

HazeDoll

Here's what it looks like to me.

I think you are besotted with this chap. You're happy in your relationship but you fancy this other fella like mad. Your attraction borders on obsession. You were delighted when he was working with you because you got to spend time with him. When that working partnership ended you floundered about, desperate for interaction with him and hurt by his oblivious disregard for your romantic/lustful feelings. Your references to a need for revenge are utterly bizarre unless there's a deeper emotional current that you're not acknowledging.

He thinks you were people who worked together and got on well. You think this was a much more profound relationship and you can't understand why he's able to get on with his career without giving you a second thought.

It's possible he was very aware of your attraction to him and exploited it to make use of your professional skills. It's more likely he's just getting on with carving out a career, networking and forming shallow relationships that seem friendly but in reality are strictly business.

Your posts are like somebody continuing to pick a fight by texting with somebody they have broken up with. You are desperate for his attention but you simultaneously want to hurt him. It's contradictory and irrational but it's very common behaviour among the broken hearted.

friendshipissue

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119136207#Comment_119136207

I have absolutely no romantic feelings for him at all. Never have, and never would.

The only added layer of depth is that, if it weren't for him, my life opportunities would have been zero and I wouldn't be as comfortable as I am today. So we are talking about significance here, but definitely not rooted in the romantic realm. Never, ever, ever.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119135228#Comment_119135228

I think you’ve nailed it there.

HazeDoll

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119136235#Comment_119136235

Maybe that's true, and you definitely don't have to discuss it here, but it is the most obvious explanation for your determination to continue to extract drama from a non-existent friendship.

friendshipissue

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119136244#Comment_119136244

I don't want to cause any drama.

There has been no drama between he and I for the past year and a half, almost.

I've simply given the history of what has happened in the past, and I'm concerned that - if history repeats itself as I fear it may - how I should best interpret it and act accordingly.

HazeDoll

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119136251#Comment_119136251

Have nothing to do with him. If you are forced to interact with him professionally, keep it professional.

I've read all the posts but doubt I'm alone in that I'm still not clear about what he did that's so bad, apart from attain success.

You know he's not your buddy, stop expecting him to be your buddy. Problem solved.

Let go of the revenge fantasy and any other fantasies you might be entertaining. If you catch yourself thinking about him make a deliberate effort to think about something that makes you feel positive.

Your obsession/envy/whatever is not his problem. Just get on with your own thing.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119136251#Comment_119136251

You are creating drama though. You view him as a friend where he appears to view you as a business acquaintance. You are overthinking the situation. If you want to continue doing work for him than fair enough - be very careful what industry information you are giving him.

friendshipissue

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119136285#Comment_119136285

If I'm completely honest, I'm absolutely taken aback that, given all I've been subjected to, that he is almost given a free pass and it's somehow all my fault.

I didn't see that almost universal response coming at all.

But clearly there must be something true in what everyone is saying.

HazeDoll

You said this, "I lost my patience and decided to contact the business partner and expose what he was doing. As he lost some control over my actions, he became concerned about what else I might do. I decided to set up a duplicate business to compete with his, to punish him. It's now doing well and I own 100% of it. My owning this competing project has always upset him, but he has tried to keep the hurt silent to avoid me feeling better about it."

Twice you set out to damage him professionally.

It didn't work, he's getting ahead despite your efforts.

He probably gets a kick out of rubbing it in. I know I would.

You continue to interact with him, you are unwilling to sever ties for unknown reasons. This is something over which you have control but you won't take the obvious step.

You are not in a position to cast yourself as a victim.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119136310#Comment_119136310

You mentioned earlier that you live in a different country to your 'friend'. Are you Irish?

Im sensing the issues could be caused by you confusing personal conversation as friendship. In Ireland general personal chat is the norm between people - it doesn't mean though that you are friends. It is also normal for workmates to go out for lunch or a drink but still you wouldn't think of these people as friends.

friendshipissue

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119136341#Comment_119136341

No, that's not how it happened.

First, he and I had an agreement that he would not bring up how much the business was making each month. He repeatedly and consciously broke this agreement, causing a lot of stress to me. So the initiator of this problem is firmly with his side of the equation.

He was telling me this financial data - even though his business partner at the time knew nothing about it. How is that right?

When it entered the 9th month of being told this information, I decided not to sit back and take it - but to send an email to the business partner explaining that this was unfair on both him and myself. I did this to punish my friend for his actions, and to try and get him to stop.

Yes, I didn't need to then set up a rival business. But I was so incensed by what I had to put up with, that - at the time - it seemed like a sensible and understandable course of action.

HazeDoll

So... you DID set out to damage him professionally, twice.

friendshipissue

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119136366#Comment_119136366

I fought fire with fire, to get him to stop what was clearly unconscionable behaviour.

HazeDoll

And yet you want to us to see you as a victim?

There's something very skewed about your outlook, but as another poster said, it's difficult to put my finger on it. I still think you are unhealthily obsessed, probably romantically, with this unfortunate chap.

By engaging with you here I'm adding to your problem, I'm giving you the opportunity to talk about him and to keep hashing over your grievance. That's what you want, an excuse to have him at the forefront of your mind.

Forget about him, stop excusing your actions and rationalising your fixation. Make a conscious effort to stop thinking about him. Stop talking about him. Stop fantasising about how things will play out.

Jequ0n

If it helps: I can understand your viewpoint, but since I am not involved I can see that it is (self) destructive and very unhealthy. The problem is that you don’t see clearly when you have crossed a line and are filled with anger. You just can’t see it because you have created this narrative in your head that has yourself convinced that you are a victim.

friendshipissue

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119136437#Comment_119136437

Of course I'm the victim in that scenario?

He lied to his business partner, and broke his commitment to me for 9-months in a row.

If that's not victimising two people, what is?

HazeDoll

Nope. Not engaging.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119136440#Comment_119136440

You can argue the business partner was aggrieved, but not you. And you know that yourself.

Hannibal_Smith

You're both using each other is how it reads to me. He needs you for the project(s) and you need is expertise/knowledge. That's not a friendship. That said I'm reading him describing you as an old friend because its not a straightforward relationship. You're not strictly friends, you're not strictly colleagues. Its blurred and you go back a long way.

He calls you when he needs, because that's the foundation of the relationship - work. You keep him in your life because his expertise is of use to you.

Going on about money he's earned on a project you left is pretty tactless. Telling his business partner and starting up a competing business to teach him a lesson meets like with like.

I don't think it's a friendship. I don't think it's abusive. I think it's a mutually beneficial acquaintance that when it works you both get something work related out of. Take work out of the equation and there is no contact.

If you both get something out of it, it would be silly to cut each other out but if you're going to keep him in your life manage your expectations about it.

tea and coffee

If you have 2 successful rival projects yourself why do you need to set up another with him? Just drop it, chat as acquaintances in the same sphere of business and leave the rest in the past. Even easier now that you aren't in the same country!

Not sure why you want his praise or approbation so much. Even his "I'm proud of you" sounds condescending to be honest. He's not your dad!

Continue as a professional relationship if you have to and examine why you feel the need for a more emotional dynamic