Am I wrong or is this controlling

Hopelessatlife

Hi all,

Would appreciate your thoughts. I am in a fairly new relationship, just a few months. First issue has come up between us, which is my spending time with my guy friend. This friend I have known since before I knew this person and I have never thought of them as anything other than a friend. I get that guys can have issues with this but I have mentioned this friend many times since the beginning and never picked up on any issues until i spent time with them.

I wanted to have an open conversation about it, i asked is it trust, is it an insecurity etc, but got shot down. He wouldn't tell me his thoughts at all just said you do the mental work and tell me what is wrong. I just said I cant read your mind and I do not intend on trying to speak for you, I said I want to talk and communicate about it but he wouldn't budge and just said you need to do the mental work and think about your behaviour.

At that point it felt like a mental game to me, I felt like a bold child getting told to go stand in the corner the way he was speaking to me. I had to end the conversation with no progression as I kept getting the same thing "you do the mental work"

Again I totally get that men or women can feel uncomfortable about their partner being friends with the same sex but I'm not going to feel like I can't have my friends and spend time with them either and certainly dont want to not be able to discuss an issue openly without mind games. I had a very toxic relationship before and even though this is the first issue that has come up it does concern me as I do not want to end up in another one.

radiotrickster

Are you teenagers? Because it sounds like the only way they know how to communicate is by being immature. I’d tell them to communicate clearly what the issue is instead of making you play a guessing game.

If they won’t do that, it’s a big enough red flag that I’d leave them. You’re not with them long and they’re already being a head wrecker so leave them to it and find someone who can be mature.

marieholmfan

The level of control is likely to escalate. Of course in a very new relationship there are things like sexual attraction etc. This may make suggestion below impractical or undesirable.

I would strongly suggest that in a public place you explain that the level of control expected is too high and the level of communication too low and that you end this relationship. I would suggest that you have any of his belongings with you and return them.

Caranica

It is not wrong for you to have friends, irrespective of gender, orientation and identity. It is 100% controlling for your new partner to react in this way. The reddest of red flags I'm afraid, run, don't walk, from this one.

kirk.

Walk away

john9876

End it by text.

thiagos

He sounds mental

I would have no tolerance for this kind of mental game playing.

He wouldn't tell me his thoughts at all just said you do the mental work and tell me what is wrong.

That right there would have been enough for me to end it. He sounds like a sulking child.

You are absolutely entitled to have your own friends, male and female, and to spend time with them.

Jequ0n

It is a game. By not answering your questions he is “forcing” you to fill in the blanks how your behaviour is hurting him. That way he can later (rightfully) claim that he never asked you to stop seeing this friend, but that it was your decision.

It might not be sinister but learned behaviour, but if you adjust your behaviour here he will continue in this stride. No need to change a process that works well.

Does he know details about your previous toxic relationship?

Hannibal_Smith

You do the mental work and tell me why I have a problem, so I can feel justified with my nonsense - that's my way of reading it any way.

There's no mental work to be done, on your part anyway. Unless the time you spent with the friend meant missing out on something you had planned and its nothing to do with whether the friend's male or female, but more to do with plans you made?

Either way, if someone told me I needed to look at my behaviour and do the mental work I'd be having a strong word telling them to cop on. If they were trying to dictate a few months in who I should be friends with, I'd be off.

CreadanLady

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118977073#Comment_118977073

That is dreadful and dangerous advice. You are telling her that she should cut off friends she had for years just to suit the whims of a jealous boyfriend.

OP, please don't listen to this. You are entitled to be friends with whoever you please, it is your decision and yours only. He he don't like it, well he can either take it or leave it.

Rest assured, if you let him off with this, his control would only escalate.

California Dreamer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118977293#Comment_118977293

WOW! I never looked it from that angle, but right there is some spot on advice.

I think the general opinion OP is that you walk away from this.

I lost several female friends over the years because of how my then GF would behave, a decision I deeply regret to this day.

bottlebrush

Next time you meet up, tell him you've taken his advice on board, you've had a look at your 'behaviour', did the mental work and concluded that it's in your own best interests to end things with him because you would prefer to go out with somebody who respects your existing friendships . See how he reacts to that and go from there.

OP he's flagging to you early on that he decides who your friends are. If you concede on this one, he knows he can dictate something else to you later on. If you don't establish your boundaries, then he will decide them for you.

thefallingman

it's only controlling if you allow it to be, it sounds like a young naive relationship to me, what age are you guys op ? It just sounds like jealousy on his part, why does he feel that way ? you say you speak about this male friend, maybe too much ? maybe in a way that can be misconstrued ? Are you being honest when you say you never thought about this friend in a more serious way ?

confusedeire

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058243228/am-i-wrong-or-is-this-controlling

As long as you are not hiding and are honest of who you are with then no. you are not wrong. If he is unwilling to communicate properly this will only become a bigger issue. all relationships require work to be successful and communication is key. No communication=no relationship IMHO

Glaceon

My best friend is female. I don't think I could be with someone who couldn't accept that she's no threat to them.

manonboard

OP that is super bad behavior on your partners behalf.

When people tell you to do the mental work, in MOST situations, its because they FEEL your behavior is wrong but cant say why.. mostly because it doesn't sound wrong when they say it, so they back their egos view of it by being aggressive, or shaming of the other person.

Some people have insecurities with people have friends of the sex they are attracted to. Its not a 'healthy normal' its a common normal, and that common normal is a red flag. Its a wise person who scans for things like that and counts them as red flags about a partner. Use it to your advantage and use it to filter people who are not compatible with your life style. Asking someone to not be close friends with 50% of the population is crazy talk, absolutely cray cray crazy.

Since you were in a toxic relationship before. Listen to your gut. Don't budge on this topic at all to your partner. Don't spend less time with your friend. If your partner refuses to discuss it, you can clearly state " I was unlikely to change my behavior with my friend choices because i believe its healthy, and since you wont openly communicate about your feelings on it, there's no way I'm going to guess what your needs are here. That's up to you to tell me, and me to decide if i want to meet them or not."

One of the traps that potentially abusive partners use is to create enough frustration and conflict around a person they are insecure about, that you will eventually choose not to spend time with that person because it always comes at the cost of a fight when you come home. Its a strategy that isolates people from their support network.

Its a pretty serious thing for him to suggest anything untoward about your friendship. Its definitely a place of insecurity, fear and trust. Id personally be very offended if a person suggested something was occurring with my friend that questions my faithfulness to my relationship.

km991148

Major red flag really.

Tell him it's over. If he asks why respond with "I'll let you do the mental work".

bottlebrush

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118977474#Comment_118977474

To be fair he's not telling her what his issue is. She has tried to open communication with him but he won't budge. If he's not specifically saying what the issue is, and the op regards the other guy as just a friend, then it sounds like he just doesn't want her having a male friend, end of.

This business of asking her to do the mental work is headwrecking. Nobody is a mind reader and he won't say what she needs to do the mental work on. How does she know what he expects her to do - this is a ploy to absolve himself of the responsibility of whatever decision she will make and, as another poster said, he can say to her in the future he never asked her to.

YellowLead

It worries me that you had to come and ask this question because to a self assured person this creep would have been shown the highway as soon as he first uttered ‘you do the mental work’. Perhaps there are vulnerabilities that you have that you might need therapy for, so you don’t end up in another toxic relationship.

This guy is a complete creep and a bully, end it and don’t be tempted to listen to apologies.

Hopelessatlife

Thanks so much everyone for the advice. Just to clarify we are both over 30, no teenagers here even though it is very childish the more I think about his behaviour. Also to answer the questions, no I don't think of my friend as anything more than a friend, I haven't mentioned him a lot at all and for further clarity, this is only one occasion I have spent time with my friend (hadn't gotten to see them for a long time so it was an overdue catch up) so it's not something that has been ongoing.

I feel like I am going to have a word with him later and to be honest, if it's still a case that he will not tell me what is going on in his mind then I'm going to leave things there.

bottlebrush

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118977504#Comment_118977504

And if he gets stiuck on that, tell him you're setting him free to date girls who don't have friends. Pesky law of unintended consequences.

thefallingman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118977569#Comment_118977569

That's told me then ! in that case op life is too short to be stuck in a relationship like this unless you really think he's worth it and can change and trust you 100% , i was stuck in a mind game relationship for years and it ruined my life, once it finally finished (i was around your age) i couldn't go again with anyone else the damage was done, and that was years ago now, don't go down that path.

Best of luck anyway i hope it works out for you

Big Bag of Chips

A friend of years trumps a fairly new relationship. If you dump your friend because your bf is uncomfortable with you spending time with another male, what happens if you have work colleagues? Or are part of a hobby? Or are friendly with the neighbour?

It's a slippery road to start down. If this fella was an ex and sniffing around and you were blurring lines and making it obvious to your bf that this ex was a priority in your life then you might work that out from your "mental work". But if that was the case it would be up to your bf to decide he's not happy and end the relationship.

This way he gets to sulk, have you bend to his will, lose and friend, and be careful in future not to do anything that might upset him. Pretty soon you'll be walking on egg shells and making excuses not to meet up with friends (male or female) so as not to upset him.

There's plenty other fellas out there not quite so immature and insecure. I suggest you become single until you find one of them instead.

CrookedJack

OP The tone of his reaction is very concerning. He is trying to set up a dynamic where he can be randomly upset, never explain why and you've the be responsible for not only fixing the problem but figuring out what the problem even is. This is dangerously controlling and leaves you open to a lot of abuse. It means he holds all of the power but none of the responsibility in the relationship. There is no way this is not toxic.

I honestly can't see this being a happy relationship, if this is how he's setting the terms already.

Aside from that, he does not get to decide who your friends are, and at his age should know that.

Sunny Disposition

That's awful, he's trying to limit who you can be friends with, you definitely shouldn't stay with him. Get out sooner rather than later.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118978476#Comment_118978476

Absolutely everything CrookedJack said above.

Also, even the language you use - that you "Feel you'll say something to him later" suggests to me that you're already walking on eggshells around this guy for fear of upsetting him.

Cut your losses before you get any more invested, walk away and maybe spend some time learning what your boundaries are and how to enforce them. Vulnerable people can easily fall into a pattern of toxic/abusive relationships and the fact that this isn't your first one is slightly concerning. But, kudos to you for recognising the red flags here - now you just need to act on them.

Best of luck.

marilynrr

Red flag unless you are leaving something major out like you spent the night alone together in your friends house!

Tell him get lost

StudentDad

Hi OP, this has already been said by other posters, but here goes. This sounds like controlling behaviour on his part. He either trusts you or he doesn't. What's next? Insisting that your snapchat locator is always on? When you say, 'hi I'm off into town for a bit, see ya later.' You get the third degree when you get back? He doesn't get to decide who your friends are, end of. It doesn't matter if he thinks Mary or Joe or whomever are (insert criticism here). You get to do you.