One of the lads starting getting controlled by his girlfriend

boardsie12

I've know a guy since school, we were almost best friends at one stage, did everything together for years and years, went on holidays together, socialized together, went for way too many pints together on numerous occasions.

He was such a generous guy, always had time for everyone and we always enjoyed his company.

Anyway, he met this woman, fell for her instantly, he then started distancing himself from all of us, refused to go out with us on a night out, instead, going to the cinema with her, wouldn't reply to our messages or sent a really late reply, stopped even attempting to keep in touch with all of us.

It got to a point where he actually lost all of his friends, one by one, he would make plans with us and then he would cancel at the last minute and go out to her place or go out to dinner with her.

It caused a lot of drama! He didn't realize it at the time, she controlled his every movement.

We all got sickened to our stomach, we'd never seen anything like it before, nothing else was important, only her and she knew that she had him wrapped around her finger and she was loving it.

Anyway, years later they broke up and he tried to come running back to all of us, but neither one of us would talk to him again.

Do you know any guys that let a girl control them?

Or any girl that let a guy control them?

How did you feel about it and were they aware?

Maybe he just liked her more then you guys 😊

berocca2016

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058242502/one-of-the-lads-starting-getting-controlled-by-his-girlfriend

One thing that struck me about this, is that you are blaming her and making her out to be some evil being.

He CHOSE to spend all his time with her, he CHOSE not to say he’s busy already ri her, he also CHOSE to ditch his mates.

sam t smith

Could she have been a Succubus?

wildwillow

This man needs your support now so please reach out to him. We always have sympathy when women find themselves controlled but it happens to men too. The isolation creeps up with forced cancellations and missed meetings.

Invite him to join some activity and be a proper friend. And be patient with him while he recovers from the experience.

Donald Trump

He might like riding.

You should try it some time OP

thefallingman

Sounds like most adult relationships to be honest, the woman is mostly the controller

manonboard

Few things OP. Yeah she could be a controlling bit*h, full of insecurities and slowly erroded his ability to be independent. Abuse comes in many forms, and isolating people from the social support system is a key factor.

On the other hand, the dude had bad values and chose a woman over his friends who had been there for him. His friends feel rejected and hurt.

The dude may have just been super lonely, or super lazy.. or maybe he was in a coercively controlling relationship and now that he got out, his mates still wont support him due to ego.

It seems likely that there are elements true in all sides of that.

At the end of the day, not your problem, but if it happens to you, would you want your friends to be there to accept you again. He may have learned a valuable lesson.

--

I know a girl it happened to. She ditched all of us to spend time with the new boy.. for 2 years. She got out of it and came running back. We were clear that it was hurtful she just ditched our friendships for a boy. That there was no reason she could not have both. She just needed to value her friendships more and not consider them disposable because the rest of us have feelings and sense of self worth in our friendships like regular people too. She apologized, so we moved on. Some friendships fixed themselves, others did not. I think its just a life lesson we all learn at some point. Friendships need to be super flexible. Letting the person have lots of space when they are in a new relationship is part of that. They're trying to build a life for themselves and often looking for 'the one'

dxhound2005

I'd say your group was far too organised for his liking. He is probably more of a spontaneous type, not one who enjoys everything being arranged to suit the boys club, especially his holidays.

Jequ0n

Meh. Even if she was controlling it takes two to tango. If he went along with it it’s his own problem.

piplip87

Sound to me like he grew up. Was he a friend or was he a drinking friend, there's massive differences there

looksee

There is no evidence that I can see showing that the girlfriend was controlling. She might have been saying 'you should go for a night out with your friends' and he replied 'I'd rather be with you'. Its the OP that sounds as though they would like to be controlling, wanting life to continue in its same rut for ever.

Whether you take him back when the relationship broke down is another story.

Notmything

Assuming you are not a re-reg troll 🙄🙄🙄🙄 you have a weird group of friends.

But at least they don't know you're on boards talking about them.

pjdarcy

Why would you not talk to him again after he broke up with this lady? You clearly enjoyed his company before he started going out with her. If she was the problem then the problem has disappeared and now you can rekindle your friendship. Maybe he has learned a valuable lesson from his time with her and won't make the same mistake again.

Man chooses to spend time with girlfriend instead of friends who will act like 13-year-olds and stop being his friend, and hold it against him years later when he reaches out. Shocking.

Sounds suffocating to be friends with you and your mates, OP. I try to keep a couple of close friends and know various people so I don't get trapped into this notion that not seeing people often enough means they turn on you.

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058242502/one-of-the-lads-starting-getting-controlled-by-his-girlfriend

ffs, grow up! mate makes mistake, realises it, and tries to amend things with mates, grow up and accept his friendship again, he needs you, hes alone and heartbroken, i.e. he needs mates!

Fandymo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058242502/one-of-the-lads-starting-getting-controlled-by-his-girlfriend

By the sound of the above he's better off without her and without you lot.

You sound like you were drinking buddies who got annoyed with a woman getting more attention than you, so cut him out. Jealousy is a terrible thing in a lad.

shillyshilly

he won't be the first, and won't be the last...

happens to every group at some point (wait til you have the mate who shags another mate's bird scenario)..

Just be sound and give him the olive branch... if it happens again, so be it, at least you had your drinking buddy back for a bit..

Life's too short to be sour over meaningless garbage like this

(unless you fancied him yourself or something? :-D )

Sounds like he had a good relationship, and wanted a mature experience. Drinking buddies can't really compare with that. The "lads" experience gets rather tedious after a while. I've been in the exact same position, and honestly, don't regret it even slightly.

OP, you haven't said one thing that shows the woman was controlling him. Simply that he preferred her company to yours.

Anyway, years later they broke up and he tried to come running back to all of us, but neither one of us would talk to him again.

TBH that sentence says a lot more about you.. than it does about him. For all your accusations towards the woman, you're the one that sounds mean and spiteful. It makes me wonder whether you've ever had a good relationship with a woman, for all the lack of understanding you're showing here.

There are plenty of scenarios where women control men or vice versa. Both positively and negatively, but your story isn't one of them.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118950347#Comment_118950347

What mistake? He had a relationship with a woman he obviously adored being with. They broke up after years... which is more than many people experience. Drinking/partying buddies come and go. It's much harder to find a girlfriend who you click with.

I'd say the mate was dead right to invest so much time/interest in the experience he had... vs partying with the lads. TBH he sounds much better off when the OP denied the obviously rather superficial friendship, and now he can find better people to rely on, and who actually fit with his life.

gladvimpaker

Been there myself, luckily my friends were there for me after I realized I was love struck and in a relationship with a nutter. That was back in the 90's when men were always there for each other's backs. A case ah sure John's in love haven't seen him in ages. We didn't get caught up in each other's relationships or made our mates business all about ourselves and try to control his relationship.

People learn the hard way, and bud's will always be there through the good and the bad.

Hopefully he'll find more supportive friends and get back to his hobbies and interests.

boardsie12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118950624#Comment_118950624

I wouldn't even know where to start....He stopped coming out with us, completely after a while, not necessarily to bars, just in general. He would say stuff like he had no money, but then he'd be spotted with his girlfriend at the cinema or other places. He stopped inviting us to his place, or out on drives and just focused all his attention on her, the list goes on, it went as follows...... It depends on what ___ is doing on that day, I don't know if ____ would want to do that, so better to organize something else, I prefer to go to there with ____ not you guys, the list is endless.......

He got offered a senior position at his old job, he was a really good worker, she interfered and he ended up missing a lot of days at work, he eventually got fired, he couldn't help it, first love, we've all been there, but in my case I'd always find a way of balancing my relationship and friendships, spend one weekend with her and another weekend with my mates, something he couldn't and refused to do, life became centered around his girlfriend, every Facebook post just about her, none with the lads or anything, nothing else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've seen this happen a few times over the years, usually lads grow out of it after a while, he didn't and decided not to

Everyone took a strong dislike to her, even his own family, you know something is wrong when everyone sees that he became obsessed

dxhound2005

Did he ever realise he was being stalked?

Sunny Disposition

If she was controlling he'll have been damaged by the experience and surely regrets the relationship and the damage to his friendships. Go easy on him, give him another chance, controlling people do it by degrees and it can be hard to appreciate the extent of the abuse when you're going through it.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118950999#Comment_118950999

I wouldn't even know where to start....He stopped coming out with us, completely after a while, not necessarily to bars, just in general. He would say stuff like he had no money, but then he'd be spotted with his girlfriend at the cinema or other places. He stopped inviting us to his place, or out on drives and just focused all his attention on her, the list goes on, it went as follows...... It depends on what ___ is doing on that day, I don't know if ____ would want to do that, so better to organize something else, I prefer to go to there with ____ not you guys, the list is endless.......

He shifted priorities. Dating, especially the first few months can be quite expensive. I can easily appreciate the desire to cut down the cost of buying rounds of drinks, so that he can save for a holiday with the missus, or something similar.

Nothing here shows any controlling by the woman, or any terrible behaviour by the guy. Just part of growing up.

He got offered a senior position at his old job, he was a really good worker, she interfered and he ended up missing a lot of days at work, he eventually got fired, he couldn't help it, first love, we've all been there, but in my case I'd always find a way of balancing my relationship and friendships, spend one weekend with her and another weekend with my mates, something he couldn't and refused to do, life became centered around his girlfriend, every Facebook post just about her, none with the lads or anything, nothing else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Um, you really come across as jealous. You're removing any agency for the guy, as if he was incapable of making decisions for himself, especially ones with negative consequences (except where it relates to you, in which case, his choices are terrible).

He was obviously in love. No crime there.. and I still don't see anything terrible about what happened. Seems perfectly natural to me.

Everyone took a strong dislike to her, even his own family, you know something is wrong when everyone sees that he became obsessed

Meh. I'm not buying into this. Perhaps she was an awful person, but I doubt it. Perhaps your mate was infatuated with her.. quite possibly the case.. but you're falling over yourself to paint this woman as some kind of monster, and failing badly.

OP.. honestly, I'd be more concerned about your attitude than your old mates.

Fandymo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118950999#Comment_118950999

You sound like a spoilt teenager who's lonely because their friend became interested in yucky girls. You are coming out of this thread a lot worse than your "friend" or his girlfriend.

Xidu

OP you sound like the other woman in this relationship:-)

obviously you care about your friend or you wouldn’t spent time post about it.

just forget about the past and take him out for a pint.

HeidiHeidi

Have you even asked him how he feels about the whole thing? Now, with the benefit of hindsight?

Or just brushed him off / ghosted him, so that he now has neither girlfriend, nor his old friends?

Some pals you are.

brokenangel

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058242502/one-of-the-lads-starting-getting-controlled-by-his-girlfriend

The story you described I wouldn’t call him or you mates

Fairly standard for someone to grow up and want to settle down. Happened with all my mates and the chances to meet up get fewer and further between. But at least I know if they had an issue they would be welcome at my door and I would be at theirs. That's what you call mates!!!

BrianD3

Male friendships are situational and activity based. In Ireland, the activity often consists of drinking and talking sh*te in the pub. Unless you have been through a shared horrible experience with your friends, the bonds are likely not very strong.

Family is more important. Of course there is always the risk that you will end up with a controlling, abusive partner - but just because someone looks to be dispensing with his friends doesn't necessarily mean that this is what has happened.

Friends can be very territorial.

I started seeing my ex and obviously we spent a lot of time together. I continued meeting up with the lads; spontaneous house visits, planned events, trips, etc...(not just for the session).

They ended up becoming put out that I didn't partake in all of the activities as I had before.

I remember one weekend in particular we went camping, had a great weekend. The following week there was go-karting being planned and I told them to count me out that I already had arrangements (ex's family member's wedding) -

"Ahhhh he's under the thumb"

"He's whipped."

"He's gone dry on us"...etc, etc.

Gradually, the spontaneous house calls stopped. I'd try arrange a meet up...no reply or "sorry, only saw the message now". Eventually all communication ceased.

They came to the conclusion that I was being 'controlled' when no such thing was the case. I had total agency in all decisions I made.

One of them ended up in the same boat as me not too long afterwards. When he saw the same happening to himself, he apologised to me.

He's happily married to the same woman with three kids. The two of us are still good friends.

pgj2015

You were right to ditch him op, I had the same thing happen with a woman I was friends with, she ditched all her friends for some guy and came running back to us when she finished it with him. Then she got back together with the guy and ditched everyone again, if they will ditch you once they will do it again. no way would I ever give them the time of day again, fcuk them.

JimmyVik

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058242502/one-of-the-lads-starting-getting-controlled-by-his-girlfriend

When you arent getting the ride and then you suddenly are getting it, your male friends can take a back seat.

dubstepper

That happens with most groups of friends I would imagine. I remember it happened with my group. One guy met a girl when he was 21 and changed from being totally with the lads to rarely. I hated it initially as was losing a close mate but eventually I understood it.

It would be unnatural to put your mates first always. As we grow up we decide to move to the next phase at some point and settle down. I have news for you, but if you are really lucky, you partner will be your best friend.

Jarhead_Tendler

It happens the best of us. What can you do?

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118951417#Comment_118951417

Man up and don't be bossed around by your wife or girlfriend maybe?

Strumms

When said friend returns…

them… “ listen, let’s grab a pint I haven’t seen you in ages.. “

you… “ sure, just a lot going on right now, I’ll get back to you.”

leave them hanging.. don’t become a convenient out.

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118951442#Comment_118951442

I wouldn't even reply to their texts.

Strumms

Another way of dealing with it alright

YellowLead

It’s definitely not a good idea to give up seeing your friends and become completely codependent with one’s girlfriend or boyfriend. It’s not healthy.

However clearly when one is dating somebody, time with friends is reduced, and not going on the beer all the time is just a part of growing up.

He mightn’t have realised what he was doing, and may have learned from this so definitely give him a second chance, rather than cutting him out.

frosty123

Is he the stingey one??

piplip87

Did you ever think your group could be the problem and your friend didn't feel comfortable bringing in girlfriend around you.

dxhound2005

The OP and the one who went rogue were "almost best friends at one stage". There are bound to be other almost best friends, without bothering about him.

NSAman

As many have said, it is part of growing up. Yet, the controlling of some people does exist.

i had a brother who I absolutely love to bits, meet a woman who caused so many issues that we didn’t speak for 5 years. She controlled the narrative. Basically all her friends, none of his friends were included. Her family became everything, our family were belittled and actually mocked. When he finally broke up with her, he realised his mistake. Gave him a hug and to this day still love him to bits. He is one of the best people on the planet would do anything for anyone, yet cannot explain his own behaviour with her.

we all make most time for our partners, friends (if they are friends) understand this. If sh*t happens, they welcome you back and are supportive. I’m a lucky guy with the real friends I have.

thefallingman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118951439#Comment_118951439

A flying drop kick usually does the job

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058242502/one-of-the-lads-starting-getting-controlled-by-his-girlfriend

as your friends get controlled by women one by one just make sure you're not the last one standing

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118951707#Comment_118951707

Not every woman controls their husband or boyfriend. You just need to meet a sound woman.

one of my friends who is married is always up for nights out or holidays with the lads. I remember I had a friend who was totally controlled by his girlfriend, every time you would be talking to him, im going to marys friends wedding this weekend, im going to marys brothers kids party this weekend etc nothing he ever wanted to do, it was all her friends or families events. I dropped him eventually, I cant be hanging out with someone like that.

Feisar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118950197#Comment_118950197

This x a lot.

No harm in having or being either but it's good to know the difference.

Jarhead_Tendler

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118951439#Comment_118951439

Who said anything about getting bossed? It has happened in all my groups as i grew up . Priorities change. I might not see some of my friends for a year. They have jobs and families . Things change as do people.

Fandymo

What is the OP going to be like when his "friends" start getting married and having kids!!!

damomaher

Not just support your old mate as he needs it now he has come out of it ??