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Life is so unfair.

  • 10-04-2022 1:43pm
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,493 Mod ✭✭✭✭

    **Posted on behalf of a poster who wishes to remain anonymous**

    I watched the Savile documentary. I probably should have avoided it. My parent was a victim of child sex abuse. They grew up in rural Ireland in the 60s. They were under 10. The abuser was their friend’s parent. He used to interfere with my parent and their sibling. It went on for some time. Eventually it came to light. But charges were never pursued. An initial complaint was filed to the Gardaí. But the family pleaded with my grandparents that he was the main breadwinner. So charges were not pressed. He got away.

    It was rural Ireland so my parent just had to get on with it. Her sibling ended up hospitalised with a mental disorder for a brief time. Their father ended up an alcoholic.

    My parent faced a life-sentence. This person is absolutely wonderful, a pure beacon of light. They are loved by so many of their community. But their life has been defined by their low self-esteem. This person ended up marrying somebody entirely unsuitable because of their poor self-esteem. They never did manage to have a meaningful relationship with the other sex. They were extremely intelligent but were the only one in their family not to pursue third-level studies. The person believes that they are stupid. My siblings and I suffered because of the hurt that our parent experienced. I have spent my entire life trying to boost my loved-ones self-esteem and to help them to see their brillance that I see. I wish that I could heal their insecurities.

    My parent’s sibling remains friendly with his children. I find that abhorrent and a betrayal. My parent chides me as she says that you cannot blame the sins of the father on the children. My parent is one of the best people that I know, better than I ever will be.

    I remember when we were out walking 15 years ago. We bumped into this tucking prick. He was out walking with his daughter. My parent literally curled into a ball and went rigid. It was like a tortoise retracting into their shell. I instinctively realised who we were facing and cast him the most hateful look that I could.

    So, there you have it. He lived a normal life. Ended up dying at home in his 80s. He suffered no criminal consequences. Just like Jimmy Savile. Where is the karma? Where is the justice?

    I am sorry. I am sitting home in my empty house and don’t really know who to discuss it with…


  • Registered Users Posts: 26,686 ✭✭✭✭Dempo1

    That's good you have friends coming over. May I suggest try put your feeling to one side , if you can't share them with these friends, enjoy their company and perhaps, later or tomorrow, reach out for some support, there is so many resources out there, I know as I've my own Jorney to travel.

    Just in relation to being anonymous, unfortunately that would require setting up a temporary account, different user name. So it's your decision if you want to leave OP up or edit.

    Take care of yourself.

    Post edited by Hannibal_Smith on

    Is maith an scáthán súil charad.

  • Registered Users Posts: 43 second toughest in the infants

    I'm sorry to hear that. Life can indeed be very unfair and cruel. It's horrible that any child should experience that. Unfortunately your parent's experience and how there was no justice isn't uncommon.

    Has your mother ever went to counseling for it?

    If you're struggling dealing with it yourself it could be worthwhile for you too.

    Post edited by Hannibal_Smith on

  • Registered Users Posts: 332 ✭✭NiceFella

    Hi OP,

    Very sorry to hear about that and life can indeed be quite unfair I agree with you. Abusers back in the day quite often got away with it as it were and I'm hoping the tide has turned on such abusers now. I'd be willing to bet he spent a fair few sleepless nights worrying about if it would come out and destroy "his reputation".

  • Registered Users Posts: 43 second toughest in the infants

    Hopefully they got a good therapist and if they did I'd say it would have been beneficial in trying to process what happened and move on somehow.

    Just my tuppence, I don't want to come across as Mr expert here but I wouldn't bring it up with your mother or try to talk to her about it unless she brings it up. With a trauma like that it's best for her to choose when she wants to or feels comfortable talking about it.

    You are definitely worthy of counseling yourself. It's like a secondary trauma for you when you discover this about someone you love and are close to.

    I hope your mother has more good times than bad and that she gets to a place where she has some sort of closure on what happened if she's not there already.

    All the best.

    Post edited by Hannibal_Smith on

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  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,493 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith

    There are a lot of us out there who never got 'justice'. It's a pain no doubt, but sometimes that's how things work out.

    You're right to feel anger for your parent and I can understand you wanting to lash out. But just be mindful that this is your parent's issue. If they have dealt with it the best way they know how then throwing it all up again has the possibility of opening up the wounds again.

    There is not always justice, things aren't always fair and don't work out as we might be lead to believe. Your parent learned this at a young age.

    But there's no text book on dealing with situations like this either - their way of dealing with it maybe the best way for them. And at the end of the day they've grown up and manage to raise yourself and your siblings as kind caring individuals.

    It might be worth talking to someone yourself and learning how to process it.

    As a side note I can't make your post anonymous unfortunately. I'll try play around and see if there's something else I can do.

  • Registered Users Posts: 984 ✭✭✭Still stihl waters 3

    I think people rely too heavily on karma and justice, if justice isn't served by a court or a knife in the throat there never will be justice, waiting for karma to strike someone who has done wrong is not a good a good way to spend a life

  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,493 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith

    **replies from OP**

    @Dempo1 Thanks for the concern. I am all good.

    My friends are coming over soon. But I don’t want to bring my friends down with this depressing topic


    @second toughest in the infants Thanks so much! My parent went to therapy in their 40s. I think that it was too late for them unfortunately.

    They clam up whenever I try to speak to them about it. It is a no-go zone. My siblings find it too upsetting to discuss. I have a friend who is in a similar situation. We discuss it sometimes.

    We are told as children that there is a happy ever after. That justice comes to those bad people. But it is not the case. He lives a long life with his family. My parent is still scarred to this day.

    I feel bad going to counselling for it. I don’t feel like it is my issue. I try to support my parent as best as I can. I cannot take away their **** childhood. But I can try to make them happy now


    @NiceFella There are rumours (I have no knowledge on their veracity) that he continued to abuse after my parent and their sibling.

    My grandmother wanted to pursue the charges with the police. My grandfather stopped it because the man’s wife pleaded with him. It took me years to not hate my grandfather. I felt so bitter that he just let him live his life. But I guess the past is a foreign country


    @second toughest in the infants My parent invested heavily in me. I managed to do well enough for myself. They said that they managed to achieve their dreams through me.

    I think that there is a silent generation of us in Ireland, a generation whose parents were raped by paedophiles. If I could travel back to one moment in history, I would travel back to the moment that prick interfered with my parent and I would have saved my parent from a lifetime of pain

  • Registered Users Posts: 26,686 ✭✭✭✭Dempo1

    Thank you @Hannibal_Smith for assisting.

    Is maith an scáthán súil charad.

  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,493 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith

    Mod Note

    OP Ive taken you out of the thread so that you can remain anonymous.

    Rather than posting replies directly to the thread, you are welcome to PM them to me and I can copy them into the thread. Or if you wish you can start a throwaway account so that you can reply directly yourself.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 823 ✭✭✭Liberty_Bear

    One of my own immediate family suffered at the hands of a paedo priest and someone else they knew. They wont do anything about it though as they dont want to rock the boat. Thats fine if they can deal with it but they have unresolved anger. OP I hope you find inner peace and some resolution to the situation. You may wish to contact One in Four who offer counselling to those affected by such issues

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,897 ✭✭✭Tork

    OP, I think there is value in you talking to somebody (i.e. a professional) about this. Although you weren't put through this dreadful experience personally, your anger and upset are leaping off the page. In my opinion, sexual abuse is a particularly insidious and life-altering experience for its victims. A thread like this shows that its effects extend far into the future and on the next generation. I don't want you to take this the wrong way but I would worry about how much of this burden you have taken onto your own shoulders. No matter how much you try to make things right, this isn't your battle to fight. It's your parent's. I could be reaching a bit here but maybe they're clamming up, partly because of how you react? Are you taking over because of your protectiveness towards them?

    I think you would benefit from talking to an organisation like one in four, to get a handle on where you go from here. Apart from all this anger that you are carrying around with you, they might be able to advise you as to how you can handle this as the child of a victim.

    Post edited by Tork on

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,358 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12

    Hi OP, this is horrible and you are right, there is a silent generation of people who are living with childhood sexual abuse and its not spoken about enough.

    Unfortunatly abuse becomes a spiral and effects following generations unless someone puts a stop to it and does the work to heal in order to not pass it on to future generations. In this instance, it seems the abuse of your parent has effected you. You have every right to feel whatever emotions you feel and you have every right to seek help in anyway you see fit. Dont let anyone tell you how to respond to your own feelings.

    Id suggest you reach out to a trauma informed psychotherapist, not a counsellor and do the best research that you can on the therapist to ensure they will be a good fit. This means making sure they are qualified up to masters level atleast, they take notes after sessions and theyve had training in trauma and sexual abuse. I only say this because although lots of counsellors are very good, if they dont understand the ins and outs of systemic issues resulting from sexual abuse, you might not find them to be as understanding or helpful as you would like.

    Id also suggest family counselling if your family would be willing, with a trauma informed family counsellor. It's an expensive process to go through but worth it.

  • Registered Users Posts: 27 PipingProblems

    OP, you may feel bad about getting help for yourself but there is this thing called Intergenerational Trauma. It's a very common, well established effect of trauma to a person, to inadvertently pass that trauma down. This can continue down through generations.

    Please don't feel guilty for needing to see someone for yourself concerning your parent's trauma. Whatever form of therapy you choose, your therapist will not even bat an eyelid that you are seeking it. Your parent may not have meant to pass it down and may even feel awful for thinking they might have, but in a way, this is your issue now too. Not in the same way, but in a way that seeking help is a more than valid response. In fact, it would be highly encouraged as the nature of intergenerational trauma, as the name suggests, means you are at risk of passing it down to your own children without support.

  • Registered Users Posts: 842 ✭✭✭Hego Damask

    Unfortunately there is no karma, there is no justice, the universe just doesn't give a ****...

  • Registered Users Posts: 334 ✭✭Xidu

    He didn’t get sentenced but I am sure he lived in the shade of his wife must despite him for the rest of his life. He might feel shamed of himself now n then.

    OP you need to let it go. It’s like you are punishing yourself for his fault.

    make peace with your feeling unfair. It will only do good to you n your parents.

    we all have scars, big or small.