How did you know he or she were “the one” for you?

Hi Ladies,

New boards member here ❤️

I am at a point in my relationship where I am weighing up things and evaluating. We are together a year. We’ve had a few issues, one such issue was hurtful for me and I almost threw in the towel but couldn’t because I love him.

How did you know if a relationship was worth holding onto ?

How did you know your “one” was the one to be with if there is such a thing?

How do you know what to overlook in a relationship in terms of issues in order to achieve the happily ever after?

Id love to hear some stories/opinions!

Idle Passerby

If your questioning it then your either not yet at the point of deciding whether this person is "the one". Or they never will be.

In my case "I knew" because any problems we had were dealt with reasonably and not allowed to fester. In general I felt happier and more secure than I ever had done in previous relationships and we were both on the same page with where we wanted to go with it. It was more a natural progression than a once off decision.

Basically, if there's doubts, you aren't there yet. Maybe you will be with time, maybe you won't. It's up to you to decide what your comfortable with.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118841503#Comment_118841503

I’m just interested to read peoples “a-ha” moments and I know relationships aren’t like the movies and things aren’t perfect.

What I am wondering is - do you leave some things slide in order to achieve the bigger picture?

Idle Passerby

There was no a-ha moment for me. It was a gradual progression from "I like this guy" to "I really like this guy and I have had no reason to doubt it has a future". There was nothing I felt I had to let slide.

_gir

Not a lady but saw this on main page and thought I’d comment. With my wife, I knew she was the one when we would argue like mad but even during the most heated moments and the calm afterwards, I knew I loved her and didn’t want to end it no matter the different issues we faced. So, if I had to do therapy to fix things affecting my relationship and her, I did.

does that make sense?

No 'aha' moment for me either. But yeah there are definitely things I let slide.

In my experience, if the reason is "I should let this go because I love him", and that's the entirety of the reason, it's not enough. I've seen awful behaviour excused this way (by other people but also by myself in past relationships) and it's never ended well.

Some of the reasons I let things go in my current relationship:

- He really didn't realise it would upset me, listened to me explain why it upset me, and while he maybe didn't 100% agree that it was wrong, he promised never to do it again because it's enough to know I felt hurt by it.

- It's something he does which is related to his own issues, and while it rubs me up the wrong way, I think he deserves patience and compassion from me because he puts up with X, Y, Z thing that I do.

- A genuine mistake that he feels terribly about.

The key thing really is that you're working together and you're both equally invested in resolving the conflict. My issue with the "but I love him" situation is that it's often what people fall back on if their partner is refusing to engage, refusing to own up to what they've done, or dismissing the other person's right to have feelings about the issue (also see: "you sound so jealous, you're crazy!"). They knock you back and silence you, will not talk about the problem, and you're left with only the options of either leaving them forever or sucking it up and dropping the matter completely. That's not a healthy relationship and I wish I knew that 15 years ago.

bitofabind

I found a safe house in my partner and a level of understanding and acceptance that made him feel like home to me. Also a feeling of abiding partnership - that we're always on the same team, even if we're working through an issue, it's the two of us fighting on behalf of the same side, as opposed to sitting on different sides of the fence. There's no drama, cold shoulders, or highs and lows as a result of this - we want the best for each other, even if/when we're upset or p1ssed off at each other. It always comes back to being a team and working together to stay strong in that.

I see relationships everywhere with the drama, the adrenaline of lust, the fights and the hurting each other continuously and pushing through "because I love him" and it makes me realise how a peaceful life with a partner that supports me unwaveringly is the only way I want to live. Everyone pales compared to him and this relationship. So I suppose, all of that.

Neyite

No aha moment here either.

What was different was the absence of the feeling of wondering if this could be the one. Any previous relationships that question was there, and probably fed into a lot of evaluation of how we worked as a couple, and trying to envisage how or what we would be like as a couple years down the line.

With this one it was more along the lines of us just really enjoying hanging out together, and not even focused on where we would go as a couple. And as things gelled well, there were far more things that we would have a mutual view point on than not.

I'm not going to say we are perfect - I know I probably wreck his head sometimes and more than once I've swore when a jar went flying because of his inability to put a damn lid back on properly but his flaws are small stuff (or maybe more accurately his big flaws are ones that I've got in common with him so we don't clash over them)

I don't believe in the One though. Or forever after. Everything in life has a shelf life, including relationships. Even if you are 70 years together, one of you is going to leave the other. So the point of any relationship is to enjoy the time you have with that person whether it's six days or sixty years.

bitofabind

"What was different was the absence of the feeling of wondering if this could be the one" - that's a really good one actually.

I don't know if I ever subscribed to the idea of "the one" before, but I stopped wondering what my other options were when I met my partner. No other relationship or man or possibility really mattered. I kind of just knew it was the two of us now, and all life decisions followed thereafter. I guess I'm moving back to Ireland so, I guess we're living together then, I guess all of our future plans are with each other. Wondering stopped, point blank. It's only been two years but I can't imagine anyone else ever, they just wouldn't and couldn't fit the same.

mojesius

I'll answer as best I can!

How did you know if a relationship was worth holding onto ?

I think with my husband, I never really had to question this from the outset. I guess I had spent a long time realising what WASN'T worth holding (and I tried in vain many times to hold onto worthless relationships!); when I met him, that inner questioning/indecisiveness didn't happen. Also, there was a deep friendship and trust from the outset. I could talk to him about anything - my deepest, darkest secrets and fears from day one and there was no judgement. Just empathy and a bit of healthy laughter.

How did you know your “one” was the one to be with if there is such a thing?

I don't believe in the "one". I think you're drawn to different people at points in your life for a reason (romantically and non-romantically). My husband and I often say if we'd met when we were younger, we wouldn't have worked out because we were very different people at that stage in our lives.

How do you know what to overlook in a relationship in terms of issues in order to achieve the happily ever after?

This really comes does to every person in terms of what their red flags or deal breakers. To live happily ever after with someone, you definitely have to make time for each other, keep doing the nice 'little things' for each other and above all else, learn to compromise. Posters above alluded to this - It's normal to argue now and again but once you can reach a resolution together and see the other person's perspective, I think that's a sign of a healthy relationship.