Workplace rumour

MikeJC

Hi all, going to go annoymous for this.

Not sure how to begin this one. A very distressing situation has begun at work. Basically 4 weeks ago, 3 of our offices from Europe all had a company wide conference in Dublin. 2 days of meetings and then on the final night we all had a few drinks.

Nothing major occurred on the night out but the following day my wife received a messages from a woman working in our London office. She’s quite senior but I don’t work directly with her. She had messaged my wife on social media to tell her that I’d been sending her messages and requests on social media and she thought my intentions could be inappropriate.

What I had ‘done’ is added her as a friend on Facebook 2 years previous and then messaged her on Instagram at 11.30pm while in Dublin. The message I had sent her consistent of “did you leave your jacket at reception?”. There had been a jacket left at reception and I had actually messaged two other colleagues also who a group of us thought might have owned it. I don’t really know the woman, we had just said hello to each other when meeting at previous company conferences.

Anyway she admitted to my wife that at no point did I try and chat to her or anything else ‘creepy’ other than the late night message. This obviously caused my wife some distress and made for an uncomfortable few days.

I had sent the woman a friend request 2 years previous, but only after she had sent me one and also a message, but both were deleted by her by the time I woke up (I only received the notifications on my Home Screen) so I just sent her one back out of curiosity…silly in hindsight. No interaction then for well over a year until she came up as a suggested friend on Instagram. I added her on that and have had no real interaction other than the odd like of each other’s photos.

I was obviously fuming over this but because she was so senior in the company and in our head office, I decided to leave it. Fast forward 3 weeks and I find out she told people in my office in Dublin that I sent her a message in the middle of the night (again it was 11.30pm, there was still a group of us in the hotel bar), it makes it sound like I was looking for a booty call.

I don’t know what to do at this point, I obviously don’t want this hassle but I feel like my reputation is being tarnished but not publicly so it’s so hard to address. I hate the thought of people thinking I tried to cheat on my wife.

I don’t know what to do. Sorry for the long rant, I tried to give as much context as possible

Ubbquittious

Is she not the inappropriate one for randomly going to message your wife? She must be a grade A1 sh1tstirrer who just wants the thrill of destabilising someone elses marriage from afar

I'd be knocking on HR's door Monday morning, zero hesitation.

That kind of crap can destroy marriages or at least seriously damage the trust

Swaine

Life lesson: Always keep work and private life seperate.

Apart from Linkedin, I'd never add anyone from my job on Insta,Twitter, Snapchat etc.

NSAman

What right had she to contact your wife at all?

Frankly, I would be furious if someone did this? It wouldn’t be me who she would be throwing shade at, don’t care how senior she is, she has acted inappropriately.

I would contact HR, I would also contact HER boss or the partners/directors of the business also.

she sounds like a class A c you next Tuesday .

alao take out a restraining order, she is an odd one!

MikeJC

Initially I was so mad I wanted to contact HR but then I didn’t want to make a big deal of it or people finding out so I decided against it.

It’s partly my own fault for adding her on Instagram, I’m an idiot. But if she thought there was even 1% of me being inappropriate then she shouldn’t have accepted the request or followed me back, let alone liked any of my photos so I can’t really understand how she’d think that.

I don’t know how many people know and by going to HR I don’t know who else gets dragged into this and how big it becomes. I’ve never been in a situation like this before. I’m also afraid because she’s very close to the CEO and I’m a lot more expendable than she is

Purple Mountain

Nothing to add..but you should request this is moved to PI.

Larbre34

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118812309#Comment_118812309

On this, you and I agree.

However I would say to the OP, brief a personal Solicitor first, if you have one, or engage one recommended to you by someone you trust, not connected to your company. Then let your Solicitor do the knocking on the door of HR.

I'd be settling for nothing less than an independent investigation by an outside HR consultant or dispute resolution specialist, to be paid for by the company.

What this woman has done is, on the face of it, an egregious abuse of her position, an abdication of her responsibilities as an executive of this organisation and an act of slander against the OP.

If you have already served notice and completed leaving the company, then that just change the nature of the engagement somewhat, but the Solicitor will have an approach regardless. If you have not left the company yet, or it is in process, halt it and do not leave until your complaint has been dealt with.

Straight to HR. You messaged someone during a work function asking if it could be their coat that was left, and she sets out to ruin your marriage and reputation. What a thundering worthless bitch.

Jim2007

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118812338#Comment_118812338

You have to decide if you are going to make a big deal of it or not, there is no other way…. Have you considered what you will do next time, if she goes to this trouble of a jacket, I would expect there will be more.

lawrencesummers

rare a day goes by that i dont see very good reason people should be long gone from facebook and the associated pleasure i get from having made that decision long ago.

Mrs OBumble

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118812471#Comment_118812471

This.

You've said yourself: she's senior, you're expendible.

The jacket message was ok, the rest was pure foolish on your part.

I wouldn't go near HR: it will just draw attention to the mistakes you made. HRs job is damage control for the company, and you will lose.

I'd be job hunting.

Dempo1

I'd be very concerned at what is motivating the actions of the lady in question and as a result, I would go into defence mode.

This is more than a "work place rumour" and would appear to be quite personal in the sense its dragged your wife into it, assuming the lady in question is Aware of the connection, in essence they must have known this wasn't just flippant gossiping, it was quite malicious.

OP, you've clearly saved or are fully aware of any and all social media contact with person and be sure to retain evidence of same.

As to your next move, I honestly don't have an answer, if you persue, does it blow up into something very serious or if you don't, will it become a black mark against you and possibly come up at a, later stage. If you go to HR, it immediately becomes a serious matter and perhaps rightly so but what are the consequences, I just don't know.

At a minimum, I would put the matter on official record by way of seeking legal advice privately. I'm just concerned if you raise this with HR there's no turning back and flippant remarks and idle gossip will lead to a serious disciplinary process. You've obviously spoke to your wife and reassured her that nothing untoward occurred and perhaps it for both of to decide the next move, if any.

Obviously at a minimum make no contact whatsoever with the individual.

BrianD3

Many women think every man wants to ride them, therefore even the most trivial interaction is regarded as a chat up line. The message about the coat may have been somehow interpreted as a variation of "get your coat, you've pulled".

The acceptability of being chatted up then depends on who is doing it. She is considerably more senior than you and women are hypergamous - if you were more senior than her she may have reacted very differently.

California Dreamer

HR is not your friend, they are there to protect the company, not the individual. It may seem that way but who will benefit more.

Do you enjoy this company? Is it easier to leave, get something else and then launch action against them?

Mistake happen, what is said on a text is different than real life. Going to your wife is a massive NO and demands action.

seamus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118812596#Comment_118812596

Not even that, some people have a really f*cked up view of interpersonal relationships and think that a married man interacting with any woman outside of the 9-5 is completely inappropriate and bordering on cheating. This idiot may have thought that she was doing the right thing by contacting the wife, because in her mind "I'd want to know if my husband was trying to contact another woman".

I'm not even joking, I've seen people with serious trust issues lose their mind because their partner smiled at a cashier or had an interaction that was more than "Thanks".

For the OP, I'd echo what others have said above. Talk to a solicitor before you talk to HR. HR work for the company, their job is to protect the company, not to defend your dignity. What they may consider to be the "best" outcome is one where you and this woman both apologise for the "misunderstanding" and try to put it behind you. But the reputational damage is done, you have been defamed. So you want a solicitor to tell you how to best approach it.

You may end up having to move on either way, and if that's the case then once a new job is locked in, I wouldn't be shy about telling colleagues that you're leaving because psycho bitch in London was spreading lies about you and HR refused to do anything about it.

thefallingman

Hi Op, i can see why you feel very pis*ed off and i would too but do you really want to make it even worse going to HR ? I can't see anything else happening because of this it's just a misunderstanding which most people will realize, but like Swaine said above, keep work and play apart, it's never a smart move, that includes adding as friends on insta or fb or whatever. Try not to let it bother you anymore you can't change it now

AndyBoBandy

MOD: Moved to Personal Issues, so please respect the forum rules & charter.

Charter here: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2057233816/personal-issues-charter-read-before-posting-17-oct-2021#latest

HBC08

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058238186/workplace-rumour

I don't have any real advice on this except she's seems a genuinely nasty person.Just wanted to point out that you have edited the post with your primary account and you wanted to go anonymous, just a heads up.

HBC08

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118813143#Comment_118813143

Edit, it wasn't op that edited post,apologies.

Liberty_Bear

Just on the subject of your wife. Are things ok wit her? I would just show the wife your messages to clear up any mis understanding but yes as others have said speak with HR

spaceHopper

Don’t go to HR, they work for the company and only the company. They will take the path of least resistance which could be to throw you under a bus. I would go to solicitor and take their advice. Also write down everything that happened to date.

The way I see it, your solicitor goes to HR, or goes to her directly or suggests to do nothing and let it blow over but build a case to protect yourself it ever comes back.

To me it sounds like she has issues and is taking them out on you. I would not engage with her without a solicitor. 

Sonic the Shaghog

There's more to her motives here.

The OP said she sent him a FB friend request and a message couple years back but then deleted them by the time morning came.

Had you ever met her in person before this? Sounds like she's a fancy and is jealous

gameoverdude

I dunno about that sonic.

Hugely over stepped the mark contacting the wife with the information we've been given.

That's a no-no, especially as a senior. Other routes to go for her if she felt uncomfortable.

amdublin

I am shocked that she would do that. Both things: messaging your wife and spreading the rumour. What a wagon, a lying one at that. And also a bit crazy/unhinged

No easy answer what to do though... I'd be reassuring my wife to start and rising above any rumours - being sure to address them very clearly if they are said to you. And keep screenshots of those messages in case she goes to HR about you!!!!!

Jequ0n

Do not delete the messages, incl the ones to the other colleagues you asked about the jacket in case she goes down the HR route, though this is unlikely given the lack of damning evidence she has to support her claim. I doubt this is the first time she has been involved in workplace drama btw. There is usually a pattern to these individuals.

Keep your head down and shrug off any rumours . You didn’t do anything.

BnB

It is a difficult enough one to know what to do. My initial reaction is to go straight to HR and if this person wasn't so senior, then that is still what I would do.

I would agree with what other posters are saying RE HR working only for the best of the company - However, in the cold light of day she doesn't have a leg to stand on. I think that HR would know that if they pushed you, and you took it further, you would win. The fact is that she went and contacted your wife directly outside of work essentially accusing you of trying to pick her up where you have clear evidence that it was an innocent message backed up by the fact that you sent the same message to a few more people.

So, essentially I don't think HR could find against you and I think she would at the very least be pushed into admitting that she was wrong and giving a formal apology to you and your wife.

However, you have to consider what the wider consequences of it would be. If you make a scene about it now (and you "win") but she is highly respected and has the ear of the CEO. Is it essentially going to end up with you being marked as a trouble maker and stunt your career prospects in the company ? On the other hand, if you do nothing, is she going to continue to tell people that you were trying to pick her up ?

Personally, I think the best thing to do for now is leave it. But, in order to cover yourself for any future scene/deal that she makes of it, make sure that you:

- Write down now exactly what happened. Dates, times, people involved. Just for your own records

- Keep all evidence including

• The message you sent her RE the jacket
• The messages you sent other people RE the jacket
• The interaction between her and your wife (I presume that was over some social media platform)
• Screen shots of where you had liked random posts / pics of each others in the past
• Any other interaction between the two of you since the night

- Block her on all social media platforms and do not interact with her except through official company e-mail/messaging

- Do not meet with her on a one to one without having a 3rd party present

I would also probably start looking for a job. Not rushing into leaving, but if she continues with this it may come to the point where you have to go to HR which, even if you win, will subsequently may make working in the company very uncomfortable for you. Better to find out now what's possibly available out there rather than being rushing into it in the future

Hannibal_Smith

Fast forward 3 weeks and I find out she told people in my office in Dublin that I sent her a message in the middle of the night (again it was 11.30pm, there was still a group of us in the hotel bar), it makes it sound like I was looking for a booty call.

It kinda depends on who she told and what she told them. It makes it sound like a booty call only in the context of the message she's sent your wife, but your colleagues don't know that part. All they know is you messaged her in the 'middle of the night', and you've corrected them (I assume?) by saying you did no such thing - you messaged her, amongst others, to see if they lost a jacket.

Did she tell these other people weeks ago or is she still continuing to talk about it?

If shes still continuing with it and you still have the messages, I think I would talk to HR, but Id get my ducks in a row first. Fair enough, you're not going to have the notifications from years ago, but all the messages you sent that night including the ones to other colleagues I'd have them all ready to show that it was nothing targeted, you were trying to find out who owned the jacket. You say there were others there, so presumably there was some sort of conversation when you all saw the spare jacket lying around? Even if you don't want to take it further, you're marking everyone's cards that you did nothing untoward here, but you would like the conversation about it to stop here.

If you would feel better with legal advice behind you, it would be no harm to talk to a solicitor first and get their help in getting your information together on it.

Brian?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118812626#Comment_118812626

In this instance protecting the company interests probably helps the OP though.

If he lodges a complaint, nothing is done and then leaves that’s a reasonable case for constructive dismissal

If you do nothing, you're already compromised by not defending yourself.

In my view (others may disagree) your reputation and integrity is very important - and having that called into question is something I would go balls to the wall for to defend.

In your shoes I would consult a solicitor and go to HR. No matter how senior she is, her actions are inappropriate. Not only could she could have caused irreparable damage to your marriage (inexcusable) but she is adding insult to injury by gossiping about it in work. That is character assassination.

No one is untouchable. I'd lawyer up and go after her.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118815759#Comment_118815759

Actually a good point. Being more senior I'd consider them more inappropriate. Chances of getting done...no chance.

Purple Mountain

OP, I echo what others say here, get independent legal advice from a solicitor versed in employment or defamation law.

Keep your head down in work this week, keep sthum.

If anyone brings up the subject, just brush it off.

Don't engage with HR until an independent solicitor has advised you.

They will lay out your options.

2 points I would make..

Are you sure she inferred to the colleagues that the text in the middle of the night might have been something more than about a coat? Ie..could work people have concocted their own interpretation of that?

Also..you never know what someone is like in real life. So instead of thinking she might be a sh1t stirrer or genuinely thinking you were hitting on her, she might have some sort of diagnosed or undiagnosed mental illness..that's why it's best to get independent advice because you don't know what you are up against.

The solicitor may even advise to take no action, who knows, but at least you will be advised.

Best of luck.

daheff

OP,

Thread very carefully here. If she's as crazy as she seems to be, and as high up, God knows what she has said to HR, or may do in the future. I'd definitely be getting legal advice.

I'd also be getting my CV dusted off and looking for a new job.

Finally (and most importantly), I'd be talking to your missus and showing her all the messages and explaining what's happened and what you are going to do to protect you, her and your marriage from this person.

gameoverdude

Agreed. Marriage first, job second. As above dust off the cv.

I don't know you, but from your messages you seem an honest type of chap. Weather it and look after yourself.

I'm not a revenge type of person, but you got plenty of ammo. The world is a small place.

Bring your wife to the solicitor too. Hopefully she kept the conversation between them? Especially the message where she:

Anyway she admitted to my wife that at no point did I try and chat to her or anything else ‘creepy’ other than the late night message.

After admitting that to your wife, the fact that she then didn't drop it, but instead brought it up with people you work with, is very off.

Wabbit Ears

Id arrange a meeting with HR with a solicitor and a union rep if unionized specifically on the sole issue of her contacting your wife.

The fact you texted her is largely irrelevant, you said nothing inappropriate and can prove that. He spreading rumors is also largely irrelevant.

Her contacting your wife is massively inappropriate and inexcusable. This is the focus of the complaint.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118815939#Comment_118815939

Actually never thought of that. Two birds with one stone.

It seems innocent enough.

Worse things done to me (as in somebody swung at me on a night out...a lot less severe than an Instagram like of course), I just pulled them aside on the Monday and my god how sheepish they looked! Grand.

In saying the above in a slightly jocular fashion, it won't work in this situation.

It does sound like a sh¹t stirrer. Solicitor advice would be recommended and keep your powder dry. Your relationship is number 1.

Mad_maxx

It's quite possible this female senior position holder might be willing to fabricate stories about you should you decide to report .

A guy finding himself in a feud with a female superior is never a good place to be, management are very shy to take a strong position against female employees for fear of the misogyny card being played

I'd resign

gameoverdude

I certainly wouldn't resign. Dust off the cv at a minimum.

0ph0rce0

Been with loads of MN companies, Every night out every man and woman were banging, married or not. Jacket??? hahaha the only reason you started adding her was to bang her and you know it. Nobody adds you on facebook then starts on the insta. Don't believe the jacket story for a second.

Caught rapid.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod note

@0ph0rce0 - offer constructive advice to an OP when replying to their thread in PI/RI.

Please read the Charter before posting again.

Thanks

HS

MikeJC

Thank you for all the response. It’s very much appreciated

One of my close friends/colleagues told me about it, so I’m not sure exactly who knows so I don’t even know how to address it without making a big announcement. 

I only met her for the first time at the initial company meeting  2 years ago, the only interaction we had was a hello, not even a conversation. I then had that deleted friend request and message after.

The strangest part of all of it is, if she felt I was being inappropriate then why accept the friend request and follow back or like any of my photos. There was only the odd like by both of us, and then that message asking did you leave your jacket in reception area, nothing else. It doesn’t make sense. I’d understand if I was sending inessant messages or sent an inappropriate message

I’m so confused as to what to do as I really love my job, it’s not more important than my marriage but I can’t understand how I’m in this situation

MikeJC

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118816275#Comment_118816275

Fair enough as at a previous company it was very common for people to get together. Not so much at my current employer, at least not publicly or that I’m aware of.

She was the one who initially added me on Facebook and sent a message. I never found out what that was about.

The message was re a jacket and my close friend and a few others were there when a receptionist was asking us who owned it. The problem is I don’t know who knows this story but I know the context is I messaged in ‘the middle of the night’

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118817016#Comment_118817016

Like I said, OP you don't know what you're dealing with.

An over anxious woman? A sh1t stirrer? Someone who mental health issues? A man hater?

You'll never know her motives.

skallywag

You have my sympathy OP, this woman is clearly a vindictive crackpot who is best kept well away from.

One thing does occur to me, if you had contacted her using your work messaging system (assuming you have one, such as Teams, etc.) do you think that she would reacted the same way? Maybe just a tip for the future, might seem 'more professional' and less open to the 'oh it's insta so he wants to shag me' nonsense.

I have a sneaking suspicion that she was the one who was interested in you, starting 2 years ago, when she made that initial Facebook friend request, which she then quickly rethought. (Probably found out you were married.)

I don't understand why she thinks a text at 11:30pm about a jacket was "the middle of the night" (late, yes, but not middle of the night) or what was somehow inappropriate about it, but suspect she is a bit of a narcissist who read something into it that wasn't there. (Which doesn't excuse anything she did afterwards.)

spaceHopper

@MikeJC, get a lawyer and talk to them, it will cost you an initial couple of 100 euros but it will be money well spent. If you are a member of union they may offer free legal advice. Your health insurance may also have a free advice line. But your own lawyer is better. This may die off but it is better to be ahead of it than behind. If you stay in the company you will probably see her again.

Let's say you get called to a HR meeting. OK but can we put it off till x so that my lawyer can attend. All hell will break out. Your lawyer attends does the talking, so HR have you read or asked to read the message? .... Are you aware she contacted his wife...

foxsake

If some woman contacted my wife in the manner you describe I'd lodge a complaint no questions. No job is worth your marriage. no matter how senior she is. I'd go to HR -lodge a complaint and see a solicitor.

If you are forced out it'll be with a decent payoff - solicitor can negotiate that and a clean reference.

otherwise you can take legal action.

You are clearly upset enough to post here - why let her away with doing that to you?

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118819775#Comment_118819775

Agree but get solicitor first.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118819775#Comment_118819775

Completely agree with this.

I was thinking about this today, OP, and it occurred to me that if you wife had posted a thread seeking advice because a woman from her husband's job had contacted her saying she was concerned about her husband sending inapproriate messages, "in the middle of the night" and "I think you should know," can you imagine what advice she would be given? 😮

At minimum, even if this goes no further than HR, this person needs to be made aware that her actions in contacting your wife could very easily have destroyed your marriage. That is not okay. Thankfully you could give your side to your wife, and hopefully things are okay between you. The next guy might not be so lucky.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118821085#Comment_118821085

That says more about this forum than the actual issue though. And I do agree with you here.

And as stated earlier this is unlikely the first and only altercation of this kind, though HR would obviously not disclose anything in any case.