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  • 13-03-2022 9:11pm
    Registered Users Posts: 640 ✭✭✭ TheadoreT

    I lost my youngest sister(22) about a month ago through some harrowing and all too common circumstances with young people these days. The time since has been easily the worst in my life. I'm not sure I'm dealing it with it in a healthy manner, the initial few days I was hugely emotional but mainly been numb since.

    Several people have commented that I'm "doing well" considering which I'm half worried people think I'm some sort of sociopath. Its probably been a life's habit to often mask hurt with humour and have found myself doing this plenty and even comforting others far more removed from my sister who've been more emotional which feels like a strange dynamic.

    I'm basically useless though, almost floating outside my own body most of the time now, can't concentrate on anything, messing up on a job I was great at(bosses thankfully very understanding). Have nearly got myself knocked down twice not minding traffic when walking. My sleep has been very chaotic. Feels like there's plenty going on at a subconscious level that I'm keeping back when awake to try preserve my sanity . There hasn't been a night where I haven't drenched my sheets with sweat.

    Then there's the trail of destruction that these things leave and i could go on for pages about how much of a **** show this has been but safe is to say I'm beyond overwhelmed by it all and I'd be a slightly avoidant type in general but especially now.

    I'm not even sure what I'm looking for but I feel I slowly need to allow reality in without losing my mind but unsure how to navigate that path. I'm beyond heartbroken and utterly traumatised to almost stillness.


  • Registered Users Posts: 313 ✭✭ laoisgem

    So very sorry for your loss. I have nothing to add only to echo what hannibal has said. Mind yourself, it's still very early days x

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,810 ✭✭✭ witchgirl26

    Massive hugs. When people say you're doing well they probably mean considering everything. It's not a judging even though it can feel like it.

    I agree that grief counselling is brilliant but sometimes it takes some time to be at the point where you can have it. After my dad died it was a good 4 years before I felt I could attend counselling.

    I think the first thing you could maybe do is talk to your GP about something to help you sleep. It can honestly make things a bit easier & help clear the brain fog that is hindering you getting through the normal tasks. Maybe take some time off work too for yourself.

    Take it a day at a time. I think the best thing I learnt was that grief does not get smaller at all more that our world gets bigger as time goes on. But it takes time.

    Be gentle with yourself.

  • Registered Users Posts: 555 ✭✭✭ thefa

    Lost my father recently in a sudden and unexpected way. I haven’t received the “doing well” comment directly but my mum has on a couple of occasion which she didn’t take well. There’s been other “at least” kind of comments passed which haven’t gone down well either. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt when they say things because, generally speaking, they have not been through similar situations so don’t know the ins and outs and also are sometimes just trying to say something when they don’t really know what to say. Sometimes the less said to a grieving person, the better.

    Specifically on the “doing well” comment, the people passing the comment don’t see the ups and downs of each day and each hour. I’ve doubted the level of my love for my dad because I saw others more open in their grief but I’ve started to understand that we all do it in our own way and timing. I think you experienced similar when describing comforting others who were not in your sisters family. Consoling others was a way that helped cope with a portion of it initially.

    All the immediate family had issues with sleep since. Some have tried sleeping tablets but did not find them very effective but may be worth a try to help with the sleep.

    I can only imagine the destruction that your sisters death would cause within the family but we found it essential to keep the lines of communication open with each other and support each other. Not everyone will be ready at a moments notice to talk feelings but talking out the feelings with my mother and siblings has been so helpful at different times.

    Last thing I’d put out there is I know my dad would want me to grieve his death but would turn in his grave thinking his death would result in me putting myself in danger (re not concentrating and almost getting knocked down) or was thinking I was useless. You can be kinder to yourself and accept it’s going to take time but will get better.

    Its been a month since you posted and I posted this for myself as much as you but feel free to message if you need to for any reason.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 74,531 ✭✭✭✭ JP Liz V1

    I'm sorry for your loss

    It's hard to know what to say, try to talk to someone if you need or even here keep posting

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,843 ✭✭✭ NSAman

    Theo, sorry man it’s not easy.

    i am,a,tough SoB, but death is one of my weaknesses. When my dad died I was fine. While not unexpected, it was obviously a shock. Organising everyone and everything, making sure everything was correctly done so the family had time for themselves. Going back abroad for work a week later. Then completely breaking down one evening, while sitting by the sea looking out at the ocean, alone in another country. I cancelled the business grabbed a flight home only to realise everyone was feeling exactly the same. LOST!

    it takes time my friend. Nothing feels the same because it isn’t. Your sister was a massive part of you. Growing up, sharing, creating memories, being part of you. Now she is gone and obviously first of all you have to deal with the shock, then the loss then the family dynamic and of course your sense of grieving. It’s a huge amount to deal with.

    i hate to say it, but crying is a release. Talking is a release. Hugging is a release. You will find most of your friends are frightened to talk about it, for fear of upsetting you. Not a good tack to take in my opinion. Talk about her, remember her, celebrate her. She is a person you love and needs to be always part of your life, which she always will be.

    take time. The hurt goes away with time. You never ever forget, but over the coming years, the hurt transforms from rawness to warmth.

    it’s still too early for you my friend. This is a process.

    look after yourself and never be afraid to feel.