Still feeling sore

8outof10

Hi All, just looking for some advice

In my late 30's, met a woman in summer last year via tinder, same age. We hit it off and had great dates. We met up often and it developed into something which I hoped would go somewhere, and for a good while it felt promising. We spent time together, , went away for a weekend which was really great, she spent few weekends in my place which again were great and we did tell each other how we felt about each other. We did all the usual dating stuff, got meet some friends and go to events.

She's not from here originally so anytime I would ask what did she want to do, her response was mostly, happy to do whatever, which at first didn't mind as I was trying think of things to do that would appeal to both of us but after awhile, it would have been nice to get some sort of idea what she wanted to do. I took it as she was just happy to spend time with me, but one night out of the blue she accused me of being controlling and doing things to suit me. I pointed out that I was asking what would she like to do at various times and got no response. She went silent for few days, only to come back saying she was sorry, she over reacted and that she had an issue with her ex being controlling and she thought I was doing similar. I told her it was ok, as long as she talked to me and we talked about things I was happy.

We continued dating. Now before I met her, I had lost my job due to covid, but I managed to pick up some short term contract work which kept me going and had started a masters which kept me busy 2 nights of the week. The contract roles were ok and I was lucky that when 1 ended, I managed to get another until my last one ended in October, I was actively looking for permanent roles as opportunities arose and managed to secure one with start date in December, I was delighted and was including her in on my interviews and what's involved as she works in a different field and didn't understand my field of work.

I had invited her to go to rugby game with me, she said she would think about it, my sister and her bf had spare tickets to the game which she asked me to try find a home for which I did, but I then got this message asking why was I inviting her to a game that I was selling the tickets for. which threw me abit that she was checking up on me but stupidly I didn't really read anything into it.

When we first met I did tell her I was working, which was true but not in a permanent role (but then again who is with things nowadays). Reason I am mentioning this is she was due to come over one evening for our date night and she didn't turn up. We were texting during the day, there was a few cases in her work place, she texted negative but told me she was exhausted so I just assumed she was tired and prob fell asleep so didn't think anything of it. I texted her next day to see how she was, no reply and no reply to my messages the previous night. Was busy working myself, got to that evening and still no reply to any messages. I rang and no answer.

I knew she was going away that weekend so I said I'd leave it and see when she replies, again not thinking anything bad. weekend and Monday passes, no replies, no return to my call, I am thinking wtf is going on. So I pop over to hers, and she's there, she's in a rush to work so we walk and talk, she says she feels she doesn't really know me and she found out that I wasn't working when we first met. I again told her I was, but she dismissed me and said look we will talk later and off she went.

Later on that evening we talked briefly on phone, she told me to feck off, that she is done with men and I was lying to her, then blocked me. she mentioned that when we were first dating that my location was changing and I was lying about that (I didn't know what she was on about and said to her why didn't she say something to me at the time), that I was controlling her and shut down any suggestions she made (which she didn't ), she forgetting that the previous Sunday we had plans to go to rugby then into down to see the lights at phoenix park and go out few drinks but she went out the Saturday before and got pissed and asked can we just go to match and then back to hers so she can try cure her hangover.

I figured out she had looked me up on LinkedIn where I had not put down my contract roles as I was advised to show myself as available to work immediately but to mention them in any interviews (which did help me get my current job). She wouldn't give me opportunity to talk, kept saying that I was a liar and she was done with men like me and to leave her alone. So she has been looking me up and forming an opinion without talking to me or querying anything with me when she was with me and telling me she loves spending time with me and felt so happy and I felt the same.

Ironically, her own workplace doesn't have her listed as a director (which she is) but I never once considered looking into it or asking her about it.

Christmas sucked, no communication, I hadn't rang or texted her, was hoping maybe in a silly way that she would get in touch. I have spoken to my friends and I do keep myself busy but I do get the odd hope that she will get in touch.

Mainly posting it here to get it off my chest and maybe let it go but would appreciate and thoughts or learnings anyone has for me.

Thanks

zoobizoo

Here's a thought - you are lucky to be out of the relationship.

People who are that suspicious and accusatory are never happy and presume the other party is guilty before hearing their side of it.

You're always on the back foot trying to dig yourself out of a hole that they think that you're in.

When you forget or misremember a fact (because you genuinely can't remember) and you're accused of lying and hiding the truth, you constantly have to justify yourself.

Isn't it nicer to go out with someone who presumes that you are honest, believes that you act in good faith and gets the facts before jumping to conclusions.

8outof10

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118653223#Comment_118653223

Firstly. thanks so much for your reply, much appreciated !

What you have said, I agree 1000% and it is what I feel in alot of ways. I guess I just miss the other side of her, the side I fell for if that makes sense.

I did feel tired of having to justify myself a few times and that she should trust me for my character, worth and how I treated her so I suppose I misread justifying myself as trying to show her I want to be with her as opposed fighting with her presumptions.

Your last line is ironically almost word for word what I have said to myself from time to time so it gave me a smile :)

Goodigal

I'd agree with Zoobizoo's sentiments. You are lucky not to have to prove yourself anymore. Sounds like you put in a lot of work while she sat back, and then turned on you accusing you of controlling her based on her past experiences. Mad! I know it's nice if two people have suggestions about things to do on dates, but more often than not, one person is more inventive or has more ideas. That's not a bad thing! I love not having to decide what we are doing next! It's part of being a couple.

I also think it truly doesn't matter what profession a person is in, as long as they are kind, considerate and caring when with them. Who cares what post you held at what time?!

Yes it sucks when there's no contact and you miss those day to day chats. But it's been a few months so I hope you're getting back out there and meeting nice new people. Sounds like you deserve to.

8outof10

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118654375#Comment_118654375

Thanks for your reply

I haven't ventured back out just yet, not fully ready and part of the reason I posted this was to try help myself be at peace with it not being of my doing.

Thanks

bullpost

Yep let it go and move on . I had similar experience back in the day. Fell hard for her and after a while the obstacles started appearing and I couldnt overcome them. Eventually she fessed up to a complicated love life .

8outof10

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118654538#Comment_118654538

Thanks for the reply

She definitely has trust issues and I had hoped when she broke down that time and opened up about them that it was a sign of progress, but alas not to be

Thanks

SunnySundays

Dear Lord, I find her irratating fromjust reading about her behaviour.

No one needs to put up with that. There are a lot more normal people out there instead.

SunnySundays

You've done nothing wrong OP.

She has serious trust issues and needs to deal with them before she ventures into dating. She seems like the type of person that no matter what you do or say or try and justify yourself (and you don't need to btw) she'll find some reason not to trust you.

Sorry this experience was hurtful. Hope you can move on and meet someone who's way less hard work.

Run !

8outof10

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118654957#Comment_118654957

Thanks for your reply

Here's hoping :)

8outof10

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118658285#Comment_118658285

Thanks for your reply

I agree on trust issues and being hard work. While I don't mind a challenge, this was quite draining but when things were good they were great and that's probably what I'm holding onto in a way.

bucketybuck

You are sore because she did the dumping, its a very natural thing. Its rejection in its purest form and everybody feels hurt to be on the receiving end.

But are you hurt because it was a good relationship that ended? Because it sure doesn't sound like a good relationship, it sounds like you dodged a massive bullet. Imagine living the rest of your life walking on eggshells around a woman like that.

Its an important distinction, because subconsciously people who get dumped often feel like there is unfinished business, they didn't get to end things on their terms and so they want the relationship to start again so they can correct the situation.

Its a false comfort. You describe a relationship that if it restarted would be a complete disaster, nobody wins from that.

It didn't work out, you have a good idea why it didn't work out, there is little to gain by investigating further and you certainly aren't going to get her to change who she is, so why even go down that road?

Accept that life is crap sometimes and move on.

8outof10

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118659918#Comment_118659918

Thanks for your reply

Yes I am sore, but moreso over how it was done, silent, ignoring, lack of communication, I deserved better. I agree that being dumped always stings no matter who done it.

I would say that 70% of time it was good but when it wasnt it was really draining and yes I agree, walking on egg shells was literally how it felt at times.

I know I won't go back, I just wanted to let it out so I can see it in black and white it wasnt working.

Thanks again

ManOfMystery

Think you dodged a bullet tbh, she sounds very hard work.

8outof10

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118666896#Comment_118666896

Thanks for your reply

Time to move on, it's a shame as I said 70% of the time it was great, but cant deal with hard work

bitofabind

Where's the 70% of these great times listed in any of your posts?

To me, it sounds like it ended the way it was always going to end. This woman has baggage, trust issues, is paranoid, flakey, has a chip on her shoulder, etc What other way was there for her to end this than to be all of those things and to then disappear as easily as she appeared?

When someone is this clearly unable to line up with what you want and need in a relationship, and you're still holding onto hope that it could be something, it's time to ask yourself some questions. Is this kind of behaviour from women familiar to you?

8outof10

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118668651#Comment_118668651

Thanks for your reply

No this type of behavior is not what I wanted or am familiar with, hence why I went here to get neutral feedback which tbh has helped me alot

bitofabind

I might re-phrase the question. Are these feelings familiar? Feeling like you're not a priority, not trusted, not worthy of respectful communication. Like someone can treat you poorly and you should accept it and find out why, rather than boxing them into the scrap heap of "unavailable and problematic people, Next".

I ask because there's quite a few instances there where the logical solution would've been to give up on her and move on. The lack of communication for an extended period, as an example. That might prompt someone else to throw in the towel, but you decided to pop round to her house to see what was up. She told you to feck off and called you a liar and here you are wondering about her, several months later.

There's nothing wrong with your feelings, it's hard to feel rejected by someone you connected with. But boundaries are something worth thinking about. What's your hard stop for problematic behaviour in the future, if you don't have one now? What can you learn from this woman about what's not going to work for you in a relationship?

8outof10

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118676075#Comment_118676075

Thanks again for your reply.

No, those feelings of not being priority, not trustworthy etc are not familiar to me. It hasn't happened to me before and certainly not with someone whom I was spending time with and who had asked me to go to family events coming up and have strong feelings for. Maybe that's why I in your words didn't accept it as I was thinking it doesn't make sense, cause I know who I am.

You are right that I need to have a hard stop should this type of behaviour or similar arise in future, definitely some learnings for me.

as to why I am still wondering about it all, I guess its probably my way to learn from it and feel stronger in a way.

Thanks for the helpful comments.

8outof10

Hi all,

Bit of an update, being keeping myself busy and doing things.

Went on a few dates recently, none led to anything, no spark etc so while disappointing it was good to try again

Now for the kicker....

Been back in office for last while, was heading to training after work (nothing unusual) and I see her ahead of me on the footpath, I'm going one way, she the other.

I slow down to say hi and she doesn't, she's going to keep going with her head down so I say Hi and she does stop then.

I asked about her etc, short answers received, I asked if she had time to talk or could we and she said no, turned around and off she went.

I know I probably shouldn't have asked but I did. It did sting, I went onto training and that's it.

It hasn't knocked me but was still not nice feeling

Anyways that's it for now.

akelly02

thats your sign so , keep away from her!

you have moved on .

Hooked

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119022712#Comment_119022712

Just stumbled across this thread on the home page...

She has issues. Prob stemming from her ex... but they are HER issues. For her to resolve.

And you are not without guilt here either... you seem to be measuring yourself in the reaction of others (in this case, her). So, take it from someone (yes, me) who spent FAAAAR to long at that after a bad breakup - that you need to be happy with yourself and the new relationship WILL come. And you'll know it's the right one because it won't appear like it's any work. Or at least nowhere near as much work as she/this was.

And that's not me having a go at 'her'. Life is complicated. She's been hurt and it changed her. But that's for her to fix, not you.

My advice FWIW.. Be (somewhat) selfish with your time and who you give it to. And above all - be happy!

8outof10

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119022816#Comment_119022816

Thanks for the reply

You're right in what you say about measuring myself, I didn't realise it at the time or after for awhile.

I know when I initially started this I was feeling bit lost cause while there were issues, it was great at other times and obviously looking back I was longing to have / keep those moments.

And that's probably why when I saw her I asked to talk, but I know I'm not same guy now I was months ago.

Your last sentence is true, thanks again

Hooked

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119022908#Comment_119022908

You're most welcome.

For me, the older I get (early 40's) the more I seem to simplify the personal stuff.

Instead of wondering if someone is acting a certain way because of me/my behaviour... I simply just 'let it be'. I'm faaaar from perfect. In my marriage OR with family and friends. I'll go waaaay out of my way to help you... IF it suits me. But if I'm busy, tired or whatever, then I won't spend time mulling over it. If I don't hear from you for weeks... grand. I won't lie awake at night thinking "maybe I should have made the effort to have that pint/fix that thing/collect that family member". Do I go to events and family gatherings with my wife/family/friends that I'd rather not? OF COURSE I DO. I'm not THAT selfish. LOL

It's helping a lot in work, too... I just worry about my workload. I used to try to help those around me. But I learned that this, like your scenario, is only stressing me out and taking away from my productivity. They need to address their inadequacies in their roles. And I'll put myself (my work) first. Again, if I've a free hour/morning - I'll take stuff from a colleague. But only if it suits me. No point in both of us being unhappy.

I've a brother that I don't speak to. And 2 that I see every week. Yep, I miss the other lad and his kids TERRIBLY. But he's an angry man, who needs to address the reason we fell out (he put his hands on my wife). Do I love him any less? No. Am I angry with him? Not at all... His life is complicated and it led him to do what he did to me/my wife. So... when he addresses that - I'll still be here.

I chat daily to my neighbour on one side. A gent. A bit like myself... straight talking and loves his 'me' time. I've one on the other side that rubs me up the wrong way something fierce. Grand - we're never going to be having a beer over a BBQ in mine. No biggie. No trying to get along...

I guess what I'm trying to add is this - only attempt to control/analyse/question what you can. i.e. Yourself...

I think you have dodged a bullet.

She sounds like she has trust issues left over from her previous relationship that she was projecting onto you, and she would have ended up making you suffer for all her ex's sins.

When you're ready, get back out there again, confident that you didn't actually do anything wrong.

Best of luck.

LilacNails

Op it's probably a good thing she didn't stop and chat. If she did it might have given you some false hope or a sense that ye might get back together. It stings. I've been through it. Just keep going forward and don't look back.

8outof10

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119025092#Comment_119025092

Might have been foolish but I thought being myself and telling her that we should communicate if there's anything troubling would have been more than enough to let her see I'm genuine.

I do / did struggle with the not doing anything wrong part but am getting better at accepting that.

Thanks for your reply

8outof10

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119026140#Comment_119026140

Not sure about false hope, more thinking bit respect even just to stop say hi and if she still don't want to talk I'd know then.

But then again, even if she did talk I might have given myself false hope.

Thanks for your reply

spaceHopper

Maybe she didn't stop because she's embarrassed she made an ass of herself.

A friend of my wife's used to do this, she'd meet a guy then after some months it would blow up. I reckon she was torpedoing the relationship because she was scared of commitment or wanted them to prove how much they loved her by fighting to win her back.

It sucks that she was like this but it's not your fault and you can't help it. I'd just move on and keep her out of your life you don't want her bad mouthing you to other people.