In a broken marriage, my wife had an affair and wanted me to move the space for her new boyfriend.

Wlidiiao

Guys, I am shattered and need some advice, please.

I have been married for 17 years and have 2 beautiful kids. Due to lots of small things building up during the pandemic, we had no intimacy for about a year. Then the nightmare began one month ago: she said she wanted a divorce. I was devastated because I was deeply in love with her and just couldn't find the right opportunity to resolve that. But fair enough, as a man, I shouldn't let it last that long. I blame myself every day and try everything to make it up to her. 2 weeks later, she told me she was seeing someone from her work... and then the affair started. (I seriously doubt the sequence, but it doesn't matter now.)

In the beginning, she confessed to me and said she felt guilty and would move out of the house to live with the man (who is renting a room nearby). We can do 50/50 or offer her a buyout... we can have joint custody of the kids and I can stay with them in the family home as a victim. It will be a burden for her to have fun with her new boyfriend anyway.

However, things have changed drastically lately. With "the other side"'s help, she "changed" her mind. and said she couldn't leave the kids and wanted to stay with them in the family house. I still have joint custody. Yes, they are planning to kick me out. She said she is "indifference" between the two plans and is not ready to go on medication yet. She is constantly going out and leaving me and the kids (they don't know it yet) at home to suffer.

I don't know why she is dragging this? Maybe she enjoys seeing me suffer? or await me to leave myself? What are my options?

p.s we both work FT, I am paying 90% of the bills and 100% the mortgage under both of our names. kids are 15 and 10. please don't laugh I still love her and wish she could change her mind :(

MarkR

Don't move out and call a lawyer. I can't see that she can force you out.

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058233446/in-a-broken-marriage-my-wife-had-an-affair-and-wanted-me-to-move-the-space-for-her-new-boyfriend

This sounds very difficult, I'm very sorry you are in this situation. I think there are a few things to cover here.

First, despite how much you love her you won't change her mind for her. She may have a change of heart, she may not, but this is mostly something internal to her, you need to put it from your mind so you can look after yourself and the children. You need to decide what you want the future to be like. It should be rational and achievable, so not "I want everything to go back how it was". What is a future situation you could live with?

Second, do not move out of the house. I repeat DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE. You are under no obligation to do so and if you do it will make you r life much more difficult in a number of ways for what comes next.

Third, try for mediation of course but you should also speak to your own solicitor to understand the legal aspects of this situation, both now and in the future.

Fourth certainly you should be documenting everything - what she says, agreements you've made, expenses you pay, log the times she leaves you to mind the children. IT's important you build up a catalogue of evidence that you are a good parent and equal or main carer for the kids.

Markcheese

Keep an accurate time diary - stay put -

Get legal advice - if your income is low , get on to legal aid -

Don't blame yourself - don't try to be reasonable to her -do think of yourself and your kids .... if you move out it'll be you staying in a room - and there'll be no splitting the house

Dial Hard

This all sounds very familiar. Did you post before under a different username about paying for this guy's Xbox account???

JP Liz V1

I'm sorry to hear but don't move out, get on to a solicitor asap

Looks like she may not be certain this other chap wants her fulltime and maby that's why she's moved back because she knows you want her and she needs a fall back ?

I doubt it's his idea to get you kicked out ...it's more hers I'd say

If she returns could you resume your realationship knowing he was with her ??

Would she buy you out ? Best option with visitations with the kids.

Remember ...you did NOTHING wrong ...she's the one who strayed ..I don't believe in that codswallop that you seem to blame yourself for lack of love life and that caused her to cheat...did she all of a sudden lose the use of her arms to inniate a move to you to show you she misses you ??..THIS IS HER FAULT...I think you are more worried about the future and really haven't planned out anything yet..right now your in panic mode and trying to keep it together at any cost ...but if she said yes in the morning. How long would it take to forgive her ??

1 year '2 years ..never ? Right now the courts will not think negatively about you...keep it that way...think carefully

zg3409

Solicitor will give advice not to move out. It sounds like she has moved on. Custody of kids, money, property, mortgage and debt will all become issues. Often these things get very bitter very quickly with petty squabbles. Ideally you need mediation to decide who gets kids when, who gets house and mortgage, who pays what maintenance to whom, who gives cash to whom, who gets a new mortgage for another property. It sounds like she is avoiding the house, which may be understandable, you need legal and non legal advice. Custody should be your #1 priority, and then enough money left each month to stay where you are or at another property. I would not be so hung up on my house or her house, it's nice not to have to move, but legally she probably owns 50% of debt and value. Could you hand her a cheque or get a loan for 50% of value of house, that's already paid off? If you have long mortgage house may be mostly owned by bank.

Often people get solicitors outside of their local areas that handle family law.

Wlidiiao

I am new, didn't check there was a similar story.

Wlidiiao

Thank you zg3409. Why Often people get solicitors outside of their local areas that handle family law. Cause we may end up the the same one?

Wlidiiao

Thank you crookedjack for the advice.

FLAC has a free family law centre where you can book to speak with a family law solicitor. Contact here without delay: https://www.flac.ie/help/centres/familylaw/

Apply for Legal Aid, but be aware that the net disposable limit is €18000, so if you're under that would be very helpful. You can do a quick online eligability check now: https://www.legalaidboard.ie/en/our-services/legal-aid-services/on-line-financial-eligibility-indicator/

Record everything. Don't lose the cool. Keep the moral high ground. And do not, under any circumstances, leave the house.

Apply without delay for legal Aid, and speak with FLAC. No dossing; no putting this on the long finger as where there's uncertainty there's anxiety. You need to make the best version of you right now. Be strong (you will have many weak days). Take control of this situation. Now. And keep yourself physically fit. Eat well. Listen to some good mindfulness stuff (On my daily 90-minute-2 hour walk I'm listening to some podcasts on Audible by men going through divorce and hearing other stories and there's a comfort in that). Make a point of being positive. This too will pass. You are building the foundation for your future, so avoid alcohol or anything like it as that's a shaky foundation for anything. Talk to people. Use your health insurance or Employer's Employee Assistance Programme to access counselling. Separation/Divorce is a process. You just have to get through it.

Also, get out some good family law books from your local library. I read some each night as the phone screen is bad to be reading at bedtime. It's a fantastic service and is really opening my mind up on what goes on in the family courts: https://tinyurl.com/yvshweex

Some books to recommend for anybody going through this:

Family law in practice : a study of cases in the circuit court / Carol Coulter.

Family breakdown : a legal guide / Kieron Wood.

The modern family : relationships and the law / by Tim Bracken.

The Family Courts : reports from the Irish Family Courts / Valerie Cox.

Best of luck. I found the following Brianna Wiest reflection really inspirational in making me decide to leave my marriage, even though it was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. We all deserve to be loved, and to be able to give love. Be true to yourself above all else: https://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2018/12/next-year-let-go-of-the-people-who-arent-ready-to-love-you/

Ginger83

DO NOT MOVE OUT. If you do you will seriously weaken your position.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118646415#Comment_118646415

It doesn't matter in the slightest if it's the same person. He has a different name for a reason. Either help the guy or don't. This is not about catching people out or any such silly, frivolous games.

Dial Hard

The reason for asking is that if it had been the same person, they got reams of advise in the original thread and it wasn't clear what opening another thread was supposed to achieve.

OP has confirmed he's not the same poster, which I'm happy to take at face value and my advice to him is to stay in the house and find a good family law solicitor.

Supercell

OP you sound like a decent guy, try not to beat yourself up about the past, its gone, you cannot change it.

I agree with the others, i think you should stay put and get legal advice before considering moving out, even if its just for the kids to have dad around.

I'd also be asking her to start paying half of the bills including the mortgage from here on, don't be a pushover.

Donald Trump

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118646596#Comment_118646596

Why would you hand her a cheque if you were still married?

She could go off and blow it on shoes and hats and turn around and still try to get to live in the house while you are still paying the mortgage on it.

You'd want to have it as part of a formal separation agreement surely? (Which wouldn't absolutely prevent her from getting the house in a divorce ... but it would be taken into account)

kirk.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118653216#Comment_118653216

I wouldn't be asking her to pay half the bills without legal advice

It may work against the op in a settlement if she starts contributing now

First, I hope you've contacted FLAC and the Legal Aid board and arranged for legal advice, if not paid for advice from a family law specialist already.

Second, while you're talking about the money you're giving her, don't forget the children's allowance. €140 per month for each child: €1680 tax-free income per child, per year. That adds up to a nice tax-free additional sum when the final figures are being tallied.

You really need to sit down and do the sums on everything, from your finances to your legal rights to sorting your head/confidence/life out. You have plenty to get working on for the time being. Empower yourself by learning your rights. Talk to informed people about the questions you should be asking. Where there's uncertainty, there's stress. You cannot eliminate this uncertainty as it might/will depend on a judge or other things, but you can certainly mitiate it. Don't let this drag on. It's often good to allow these things to take time, for each side to get clarity. However, if you feel she is "dragging" it out, that's where you come in and empower yourself by taking control of it. You transform yourself from a passive victim waiting for her to somebody actively asserting himself and changing his life with intent.

Lastly, don't blame the other guy for anything. She, not he, had the obligation to you. It's her choice. Be honest about that. It's never the fault of the other woman/man. Part of the healing process is seeing the person as they really are, not making excuses for them. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross's five stages of grief might give you insight: https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief#acceptance (there are also 'seven stages' on that page)

Gusser09

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058233446/in-a-broken-marriage-my-wife-had-an-affair-and-wanted-me-to-move-the-space-for-her-new-boyfriend

Move out and move on with your life.

Seth Brundle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118654272#Comment_118654272

The first part of that is terrible advice and will go against the op

Wlidiiao

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118654262#Comment_118654262

You are very encouraging! I started actively seeking help when I saw so many replies with suggestions and support. and believe it or not, I was just checking the 5 stages of grief this morning. I may be in between depressing and acceptance. I feel hurt because I was at the previous stages. I didn't smoke a single cigarette today compared to 20 a day since January I started saving now lol. I really want to gain control of my life back, I know this will be a long and hard process but I have no choice. I was living in the nutshell for too long to get today's result. I need changes! at least I felt much better when I had breakfast finished smoking and called a couple of helplines ( FLAC and my EPA program) and most importantly read your guys replies. hopefully, it won take too long to get me back on the right track.

however, every time she goes out it still hurts. especially when the kids ask where is mum... it won't go away and I take what you suggested /i gonna empower myself and transform myself from a passive victim to an assertive person with intent!!!!

I don't regret paying all the bills for all those years. I really don't...I appreciated what she gave to this family and I want to learn to forgive. this may also release me.

Wlidiiao

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118646570#Comment_118646570

Hi Glenbeigh, thank you for your prompt reply on 17th, I really thought it may take ages to get advice. sorry at the time I didn't use Quote when say thank you to your reply.

However on that day my answer to your question would be I I will forgive her as long as it takes. but NOT from today. I need to move on now!

Wlidiiao

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118646364#Comment_118646364

I really appreciate your advice! I will not move out it is also my house too and I love my kids! I need to be there with them, my heart was blooding when they ask me where is mum and I had to lie for her.

Hi,

Thanks for the reply.....I know that when something like that happens you go straight to panic mode trying to keep everything together.has something changed from today ??

Wlidiiao

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118655119#Comment_118655119

well, I started to look after myself. had breakfast and stop smoking... also she is out again lol

Wlidiiao

actually guys I have a question: is it normal that married people can date other people straight away after told spouse they stop loving him/ her? before any form of separation?

jimwallace197

Hi Wlidiiao,

You sound like a good guy & this must be a terrible time for you. Just three things that might be good for you to bear in mind.

1) If you move out, she can claim you left the family home of your own accord & play the victim. On top of this, a judge will never expect a mother to move out in favor of the dad in this country irrespective of her behavior so please take on board the advice above & stay at all costs.

2) If you are married 17 years, im assuming both of ye are at least in your forties going into your fifties possibly. The type of scumbag that would look to get with another mans wife of this age will quickly lose interest if she suddenly becomes 100% available. The sick s**t probably gets off on the fact its another mans woman he's getting with. He's only sharing a room with other people & I assume he's not that much younger than your missus so in effect this guy is a grade A loser. The reason why I'm saying this is that she will eventually realise this & come crawling back to you for forgiveness, trust me, these type of woman always do, prepare yourself for this & make sure you tell her where to go irrespective of your feelings because no doubt she will do this again. Remember this is not your fault, its hers.

3) Keep up your good communication with your kids & get a good solicitor. And I cant emphasis that enough, a good solicitor will strengthen what chances you have of gaining shared custody & fighting her for the assets you both share. Screenshot messages, save emails, photos, video record if you have to. The more evidence you have the better chance you have of getting the outcome you want.

So please, stay in the home, dont take her back no matter how strongly you feel, stay being the good dad you are, get a good solicitor, record every bit of correspondance you are involved in with her.

PS. Well done on cutting down on the fags.

Finally, it may not seem like it now, but you will meet a much better woman in the future a lot more deserving of you. Don't forget that when dealing with her with her in the future

mary 2021

Call her bluff put house on market and say you would rather buy a smaller house for the kids and yourself and she can have her share in money which she will blow with lover boy but at least you will have a home. Eventually she will crawl ho,me with her tail between her legs asking to come back saying it was a mistake set yourself up in a new house with out her name on the paperwork.

TWL

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118655191#Comment_118655191

I was in same boat - More rebound than looking for a relationship. Online dating POF, Plenty Of Gick. So many separated! Married is a minority, and unfortunately you'd meet cheating wives. No thks - move on.

Then if its out of you're system - Focus on kids. Then look for a relationship.

It's crap life - Life goes on - I'm happy now!!

I wouldn't see anyone while she's playing if that's what you mean..wouldn't look good in court if her side started to see "well he was seeing someone as well...right now you have the upper hand ...no woman wants the world to see her as unfaithful ..it demeans her in the eyes of everyone she knows... ..as for yourself I can't imagine the pain your going through when she's going out ...she may even try to start a fight with you just in case she could get you for assault so do not let her provoke you...keep calm.you would be surprised how much things can change when she notices you are not chasing her..act like you don't give a toss...she will come to you ..never fails..get all the advise you can get .the easy part may be getting back together believe it or not...the hardest part will be living with it after you are back together if that's what you choose.

XsApollo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118655191#Comment_118655191

shes been gone a long time already by the sounds of it, it’s soon to you but not to her.

Advice….

do not move out

log Everything

engage a solicitor

do not engage in any form of bickering.

Wlidiiao

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118655222#Comment_118655222

Hi jimwallace197, I really appreciate it.

Wlidiiao

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118655270#Comment_118655270

How long did it take u over it? Any kid?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118655222#Comment_118655222

"The type of scumbag that would look to get with another mans wife of this age will quickly lose interest if she suddenly becomes 100% available. The sick s**t probably gets off on the fact its another mans woman he's getting with"

What's age got to do with it? Would he be less of a scumbag if she was younger? This is a bizarre opinion.

"trust me, women like this always do"

You must have had a lot of experience in this area. Regardless, sweeping generalisations probably aren't helpful to OP.

OP, do not move out and do not let her move him in. Let her move out if she wants, but it will go against you in court if you leave the family home.

OP, something else you should keep in mind that I don't think has been mentioned here. Ireland is a "no fault" state when it comes to marriage and relationship breakdown.

The Courts who will decide your eventual property, maintenance and custody/access arrangements will have absolutely no interest whatsoever in the details of who cheated on whom, or who is dating who now. Their role is not to assign blame or punish anyone. Their role is to apply the law.

I am sorry for your troubles. The advice given so far is good, stay in your home, stay civil, consult with a solicitor and request mediation to start the ball rolling on your separation. I would also include start gathering copies of essential documents, bank statements, household bills, etc

Try not to make it acriminious, even though that will be hard, because you will still have to co-parent with their mother until they are of age.

Best of luck.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118655191#Comment_118655191

I think your question might not be the best for you. It may be common, but it's almost certainly not in your long-term interest. That's the sort of question you should focus on, not what people commonly do.

With online dating it's easy to meet people. I know because when we separated, but continued living in the same house, I did test online dating. But I felt guilty, as I had never been unfaithful - it's a very odd concept of "loyalty" at this juncture. So, I then closed it down before meeting anybody (but getting offers of hookups, which did improve my ego, I must say) having listened to/read some - a lot! - of self-help stuff on this very topic.

Generally, the advice is that we should all get our shít together before going into some sort of rebound relationship which, while understandable, is weak. It can give great comfort in the loneliness and struggle, particularly when there's a form of psychological warfare going on against you by your ex and her guy. Find other support. I've drawn on specific friends in specific circles, professional counsellors and so forth. That suffices in lieu of a relationship. Not ideal as I've been deprived of love for so long, but I know it is the only course open if I want to leave with dignity, etc and keep the home peaceful with little kids here. Try and sort yourself out as much as possible so you don't bring the same issues into the next relationship. This is super important. People who keep failing at relationships often do so because they never have the courage to take the time out to know themselves and face up to their own background, etc (I found discovering about attachment styles - http://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm - opened up a world of self-understanding I had never known).

Build a firm foundation now for the next stage of your life. No booze/fags/drugs/gambling. Eat healthily, and get a fitness routine, and really get your sleep. Goals, goals, goals. Have positive goals. Little ones, and few of them. Achievable goals - e.g. get up to 15000 steps per day on your Samsung Health app or whatever. All the little goals build up to make you a better you over the following months. Be calm. Don't lose the cool. Don't be sneering, spiteful or vengeful. Energy levels - don't waste them on that negativity. Just keep focused on improving you. Define yourself positively by what you're in favour of rather than negatively by what you're against. Negativity will eat away at your soul and energy levels - and you badly need a strong spirit and energy levels now.

Focus on the things you can change, and only those things. Don't spend a single thought on her fella or anything like that. They are wasted emotions, and you need all the energy you can get. You, and only you, can save yourself. And you need to become the best version of yourself. if you don't, you're not much good to yourself, your future, and your children. So, this is your moment: "out of life's school of war, that which does not destroy me makes me stronger" (Nietzsche). Necessity is the mother of all invention. Once you start noticing positive improvements in your new routine - positive attitude, more energy/fitness, etc - it will be easier for you to keep it up. Stay on track. Have your plan, and maybe get more ambitious as it goes on. Your self-confidence will grow. There will be lovely cailíní at the end when you've become a better, healthier, stronger version of yourself. At that stage, you'll know better what sort of woman would be good for you, not merely fall into the "any port in a storm" mentality. You will have something better to offer, and you will get a better quality offering in response. Think firm foundations; create them now, and you're making things easier for yourself down the road.

PS: Since January 2022, separated/divorced people are now treated as first-time buyers. This means that up to €30,000 of your past income- 10% deposit - can be reimbursed to you by Revenue to help with buying a home. Google "Fresh Start". Check out the Affordable Purchase Scheme and the Local Authority Homeloan, among other schemes. You need to get in touch with your local authority to find out your alternatives. Not that you're leaving your home. But knowledge is power. Know your rights and entitlements. Have awareness of your potential future so that when you try mediation or whatever you know all of your housing options (among other options). Psychologically it's important for you to have an idea of your future life - something to aim for, to progress towards. So, this is another part of building yourself up. I had a long chat with a person in my local authority in the past month and I gleaned much information about forthcoming building projects and the various schemes. She was emphatic that I should have all my ducks in a row when the houses are offered as it's a first come, first served basis. Get the requisite knowledge from your local authority area.

"The Courts who will decide your eventual property, maintenance and custody/access arrangements will have absolutely no interest whatsoever in the details of who cheated on whom, or who is dating who now. Their role is not to assign blame or punish anyone. Their role is to apply the law."

However, does it take into consideration allegations of domestic abuse in deciding any of the above? For instance, if it could be shown that financial abuse was a means of controlling and therefore things like seeking maintenance payments were mechanisms to control, could the court take a position which would limit such payments and instead give, for instance, a parent a comparable period of childminding in lieu of that payment?

getoutadodge

U need a good solicitor to prepare the battle. Ur life depends on it. Open fora are not ideal for such a serious matter but understandable if feeling isolated. Isolation is dangerous. Talk to professionals (first and foremost a solicitor who specialises in the area) and personal friends (not mutual friends) u trust. Good luck! P.S. Keep a diary of all events.

https://separated.ie/local-service/listing/amen-abuse-against-men

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119200156#Comment_119200156

Thanks. I double checked elsewhere online as I had an especially vicious display of domestic power disparities in my home today and it seems the Men's Aid helpline is only open 9am until 5pm Monday-Friday [https://www.mensaid.ie/contact-us/]. I've phoned them a number of times over the years and the women to whom I've spoken were very helpful, empathetic and supportive, so I'm shocked there's nowhere to go to talk after these hours. Those little kindnesses from strangers saved me those days.

Do female abusers of men take a break after these hours? Women's Aid, in contrast, has a 24/7 service (https://www.womensaid.ie/services/helpline.html). The whole process is absolutely reeking in state-sponsored misandry, at every single turn, where the perpetrators use their gender to successfully play the victim card, the law accepts it, and the silence continues. And men in their 40s and 50s, the ages where marital breakdown is most common, also have the highest rates of suicide in Ireland. The silence continues. If there were an endpoint in sight it would be so, so, so much easier to take the power displays, the sneering, the demeaning comments, the derision, the absolute control, the knowledge that one is walking on eggshells every single day, but it just goes on and on and on. That lack of an endpoint in this power dynamic is deeply damaging, and I'm supposed to just keep accepting it "for the kids" or else I'll be accused of things and forced out of my home. My kids absolutely adore me, for the record. We get on brilliantly, and I'm unquestionably a much-needed counter to their mother, and they have defended me to her - but none of this matters in our courts. We should have some protection from this sort of control in a marriage and not be assumed to be guilty because we are men. This is especially so when we finally, after years of the control, have the courage to say no more. Discovering it actually gets worse and even more nasty as soon as you make the decision to leave, and that no legal body is there to protect your rights, rapidly turns your empowerment from making the decision into disempowerment. I asked Boards to anonymise this account last year but it still hasn't been done so I'll have to ask again. I still need to talk, but she probably knows this account at this stage so it has to go. I wish they'd bring back anonymous posting as it was some protection.

https://www.irishexaminer.com/news/arid-40776516.html How many more calls would Men's Aid have received if they had a 24/7 service?

https://www.samaritans.org/ireland/about-samaritans/research-policy/middle-aged-men-suicide/

getoutadodge

Well put. The entire apparatus of the state reeks of misandry. I dread to think what effect it has on the self confidence of boys in the 10 to 15 yr bracket. The empirical fallout is everywhere to be seen. But lamenting this state of affairs is not going to help your precarious position. I used the battle analogy consciously because that's what u are facing. You cannot afford to let your physical and mental state weaken because then u lose. Same applies to your job. Same applies to your children. This town if full of men in bedsits who were broken by the process. So first and foremost get legal advice and decide how best to proceed. You may find that, given the circumstances outlined, that your legal "hand" is stronger than you know. Good luck!