Advice please, how to have patience?

Hi all.

So, my current situation, is the following.

Lived abroad from 2015 to 2019, came home 2 years ago. While I was in UK, met someone, was never ready for a relationship, because of personal circumstances, he knew that, and knows my entire situation, always has been, still is, nothing but supportive. He’s amazing!

Obviously, me in Ireland, and him still in UK ( he has family – daughters there, 2 of which still live with him ) is difficult.

We have decided between us very recently, that we would like to give the relationship a try, we’ve since had discussions where we have talked about our feelings, we’re on the same page as far as all the important stuff!

At the moment, he has a horrible situation going on, re a family member ( aunt) wanting the house he’s currently living in with his daughters, sould, because it was never *legally* left to him by his dad before he passed away.

Obviously, as expected, he is beyond stressed. Before all this, we were chatting lots – we were like over excited teenagers tbh, him planning to come here etc, but now, this house thing has thrown a giant spanner in the works, which I do understand, I mean not knowing where you, and your children will put your heads in a couple of weeks is enough to test anyone’s bounce back from things abilities!

I am so angry at the entire situation, we’ve known each other for 6 years, so it's been a real process ( mostly my process! ) to get to where we are, and he’s always just been there and amazing, patient, kind, understanding, all of it! Now I know the very least he deserves is the same from me, but I am finding the lack of communication difficult.

I don’t think, but know, we are both in it for the long term, given our feelings for each other are the same, and we absolutely do have a chance at something fantastic! How do I just have patience, and not let a situation that's not of our making ruin what we have before it's even begun?

Thank you in advance for any responses

*quick ps* when I say lack of communication, there are some texts every day, but not as many voice chats as before, his texts are different, he’s just not himself, I do know that's because of the situation, and when we do talk, we say we miss each other etc, just wanted to try add some extra context after reading back before posting. 😊

Jequ0n

So you were never a couple until you went long distance? How often have you actually seen each other since you moved back?

I’m not surprised he is stressed given the house situation though it does sound rather strange. If I were you I’d re-evaluate how realistic his move to Ireland really is given the lack of foundation.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118631635#Comment_118631635

We did have some dates, but a official proper couple, no, as I said above, because of my stuff. I had a relationship I wasn’t over when we first met, then was assaulted ( sexually ) 4 years ago, he was always around and saying he wanted to give us a shot, but I just couldn't then. Feel I can now, though. I don’t know how him visiting has turned into him moving to Ireland, I didn’t say that in my OP, though I should have put he was coming to visit not live! Perhaps

Jequ0n

Ok sorry, I had misunderstood your OP then.

So are effectively looking at a long term long distance relationship?

You say he’s been patient with you so you should probably return the favour even if it’s hard.

standardg60

I think the only thing i'd be investing in this relationship is patience OP, it doesn't sound right at all.

So in the midst of him coming to visit, this house issue has cropped up? Sounds like he was more interested in you while you were physically 'available'.

manonboard

OP, hope it doesn't sound all mumbo jumbo. I was a meditation teacher for many years.

I have a strong practice for a couple decades now.

2 things thought me more patience than most other things put together.

1: Compassion. Patience for others is largely an act of compassion. Even an expression of it. When we truly keep our focus and attention on the plight, journey and suffering of another. It becomes much much easier to witness them. That witnessing is a beautiful gift of space and time. A non interference type of perceiving. We can do this, because we know the other person is operating at their absolute maximum capability, just like watching a child learning to walk. I would suggest to you to google some meditation practice and learn. It helps immensely. There is a wonderful online community called audio dharma dot org. You can search the decade of talks available there for the word patience or compassion. You will find lots of resources on understanding it. Understanding something is the first step to being skilled in something.

2: Self care. Quite often, the impulse that leads us to not be patient is because we have a need or desire that we are attached to. As you can no doubt relate to at the moment, this tends to cause us suffering. I would suggest you keep focus on meeting your own needs outside of this dynamic. When you take off the psychological pressure from yourself to obtain whatever needs through this dynamic, you will have a lot more space to give it some breathing room. The less we choke something, the better it tends to be. It may feel selfish or odd moving away from something in a time like this, but you will quickly see that moving away from it, gives the other a lot more space, and a lot more ease. They don't need to meet your needs or feel bad they are not. You will also find that you can provide a lot more because you aren't trying to simultaneous extract something to end your own suffering.

I see sheep

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058232952/advice-please-how-to-have-patience

You've got too much patience with him imo.

Tell him it's now or never, if he loves you he'll do it.

The One Doctor

There's no point in starting a long-term relationship if it's permanently going to be long distance.

Tbh it sounds like the two of you are really good friends and that's it.

Just stay as good friends. A long-term long distance relationship is frustrating, tiring, prone to misinterpretation and not very sexually fulfilling.

That's experience talking btw, not just guesswork.

My wife moved away for a year before we had kids (to Australia) and it was hell for me. I never complained about it, but it was really horrible. Every text and email was overanalyzed. Every call was desparately anticipated. Every minor disagreement was agonised over. If you're the sensitive type, avoid it.

Forget about it unless you are willing to move. If he's got kids he'll want to stay in the same country as them.

Effects

So he lives in the house that belonged to his father, and his father has passed away, and the father's sister wants the house?

Who legally owned the house before the father passed away?

Was there a will?

How many other siblings are there?

EffectsFeb 14, 2022

So he lives in the house that belonged to his father, and his father has passed away, and the father's sister wants the house?

Who legally owned the house before the father passed away?

Was there a will?

How many other siblings are there?



https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118632306#Comment_118632306

Hi

Firstly, what you wrote ( as in your summary ) correct. There was no will, hence this mess! I presume ( but *I am presuming* ) dad owned the house before he passed

If you are asbbing how many siblings he has, he has 3, so aunt has him and 3 other mephews from the brother who’s house this is

I found out night before yesterday, that he only has 4 weeks to find somewhere, but the entire process has been going on 2 years, delayed because of COVID, went to court 2 weeks ago or there abouts.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118632240#Comment_118632240

gWith all due respect, I didn’t ask *should I start ( or be in ) this relationship, just how to have patience with the current situation you say your wife moved away, but as you say *wife* and not *ex* wife, presume you are still married, so I’m taking your advice as well meant, but honestly, what happened to just responding to the question asked?

Given what I now know about how long he only has to find a place to live etc, I stand by my OP even more than I did when I first wrote it. If we all did nothing just because we weren’t going to have instant gratification...

Effects

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118638616#Comment_118638616

So the sister has no legal claim on the house. It belongs to the 4 siblings surely.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118641773#Comment_118641773

So the sister has no legal claim on the house. It belongs to the 4 siblings surely.

all my ( trying to quote posts so far have come out wrong – sure I haven’t done that right either, but...

I think, perhaps, home was dad’s family home, hence why the sister feels she has a right to it?

Big Bag of Chips

At the moment, he has a horrible situation going on, re a family member ( aunt) wanting the house he’s currently living in with his daughters, sould, because it was never *legally* left to him by his dad before he passed away.

If a person dies intestate in England or Wales (dies without leaving a will) and has no partner or spouse, the entire estate is passed to his children. The dead man's sister doesn't/shouldn't have any claim to the house if the man has children.

Is there more to the story? Was the house never legally the father's?

Anyway, it sounds like something has been agreed of ye is saying he only has a month to move. I assume he had a solicitor? I know you were asking how do you have patience in the situation, but I suppose it's hard to have patience when you don't really know what's going on, and what the resolution will be.

I suppose best thing you can do is tell him you'll take a step back for a couple of weeks to give him time to sort it out. What is the longterm plan? Are one or other of you eventually going to move to live with the other? Long distance is fine, if there's an end date. Otherwise it just becomes difficult and allows impatience and annoyance to build.

Big Bag of Chips4:19 pm

At the moment, he has a horrible situation going on, re a family member ( aunt) wanting the house he’s currently living in with his daughters, sould, because it was never *legally* left to him by his dad before he passed away.

https://us.v-cdn.net/6034073/uploads/T5EL8MW5NU4K/20220217-161033-jpg.jpg

If a person dies intestate in England or Wales (dies without leaving a will) and has no partner or spouse, the entire estate is passed to his children. The dead man's sister doesn't/shouldn't have any claim to the house if the man has children.

Is there more to the story? Was the house never legally the father's?

Anyway, it sounds like something has been agreed of ye is saying he only has a month to move. I assume he had a solicitor? I know you were asking how do you have patience in the situation, but I suppose it's hard to have patience when you don't really know what's going on, and what the resolution will be.

I suppose best thing you can do is tell him you'll take a step back for a couple of weeks to give him time to sort it out. What is the longterm plan? Are one or other of you eventually going to move to live with the other? Long distance is fine, if there's an end date. Otherwise it just becomes difficult and allows impatience and annoyance to build.



Hi

his mum still alive also. Yep, there was a solicitor, they currently srying to weigh up options, to see if him making her an offer on the house is an option, that way he doesn’t have to move etc

i will be honest, and say I don’t know every twist and turn of the situation, i didn’t like to add to the stress by asking lots of questions.

Re the long distance, plan is some visits back and forward first, then definitely after that we will discuss what happens long term. I did offer space, but he said no need, just that obviously if he’s knee deep in house stuff, he might not reply right away, which now of course I don’t expect, as I understand the situation fully.

SupaCat95

My Grandmother used to say if after a year dating and you dont know, you will never know. If you hoping to have children, time is a massive factor.

Nothing wears down a soul in a relationship like addiction or protracted legal dispute. You are not his priority, his daughters and this legal dispute over the house are his long term goals and somewhere after that you fit in. Dont make someone your priority, when they dont make you their priority.

Seek greener fields at home.

SupaCat959:27 pm

My Grandmother used to say if after a year dating and you dont know, you will never know. If you hoping to have children, time is a massive factor.

Nothing wears down a soul in a relationship like addiction or protracted legal dispute. You are not his priority, his daughters and this legal dispute over the house are his long term goals and somewhere after that you fit in. Dont make someone your priority, when they dont make you their priority.

Seek greener fields at home.



Appreciate your input, but I know what i want and giving up isn’t it!

If he didn’t love his daughters and or prioritise them, it would be something else, also, I’m not sure what you mean when you talk about addiction, there is none?

If it was the original family home, It sounds like your partner's father inherited a joint share of the house with his siblings, and now he has passed away his sister wants her share. If thats the case, only his father's share goes to him, and he has to buy his aunt out.

The timing sucks and it sounds like his life is very complicated at the moment. It feels a little strange that you're not in a place to discuss all this openly? It feels like neither of you are quite there yet.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118692920#Comment_118692920

I don’t think wanffing to not add to his stress invalidates the relationship. Anyway. Silly me thinking I’d actually receive constructive advice here!

Hannibal_Smith

Mod note

Silly me thinking I’d actually receive constructive advice here!

And on that note we'll close the thread there. You don't get to insult posters who took time out of their day to offer advice to you to help you.

HS