Advice for Divorce

jos_kel

I’ve been married for almost 14 years and father to 2 lovely kids 12 and 5.

On the surface we have a very lucky and financially comfortable life.

Our son of 12 has ADHD and obviously we are supporting him as much as possible but my wife and I are totally burnt out with demanding day jobs and even moreso at home.

Our relationship is deteriorating and has been for years.

Its even difficult to see where the stress is coming from.

There is even a lot of friction between my wife and I about my Son’s condition and how best to support him.

We’ve been down many roads, parental courses, family therapy etc. etc, but nothing seems to help.

My own mental health is being affected too.

I’m thinking Divorce is the only option.

Its mind sound cowardly but there needs to be more teamwork and collaboration between my wife and I.

Its a long, long story.

Any advice on how to proceed.

We have a lot to lose.

I’m demoralised and confused.

Jos

JoChervil

I would take relationship therapy. Sometimes other fights like over your son are ersatz fights. It is simply easy to fight about him than to fight for ourselves and reveal our vulnerability like our need for love, support and appreciation.

Have you even talked through this with your wife? There's three with autism in my family and believe you me it's tough.hes 12 now but in another 6/7 years he will want to make his own way and will leave the nest .mine is 19 and is in collage up the county now in his own appartment...he was impossible to talk to when around 12 but as he got older towards 19 he mellowed and is a lovely son .your wife may also be burned out .are you joined any gym ..swimming ? All these will help.but talking is the best.divorce not the best option unless you want to become a statistic and lose everything.

jos_kel

Have asked wife to do couples counselling but she says “she doesn’t need it”

Then I say “But we need it” and so it goes.

What are ersatz fights?

NSAman

Question: do you love her?

if so, then you fight tooth and nail. Every relationship has it’s ups and downs. Name me a couple that doesn’t have fights and it is weird.

you have a lot on your plate. Kids place a strain on any relationship. Having a kid who demands more of your time places more strain on that relationship. I’m sure you both have a busy work/life schedule, BUT what is most important in life. Finances or family?

You love your kids, that’s obvious. Do you love your wife enough to fight for her and your family?

you have mentioned you have a lot to loose. Is that just money? If it is, then I think you have your priorities wrong.

if it is the family, then it’s time for you both to sit down calmly and adult like and have a serious heart to heart.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624375#Comment_118624375

Substitute fight. Fighting for something less important because fighting for something more important is more difficult, while in the meantime it vents some frustration.

So say, you need it and if she will do it for you. Such request is more difficult.

You said your wife won't go for councelling...that's fine..she's proberly a strong woman who doesn't like talking about her problems.as long as there's tension in the room when you are in it with her she will prob refuse to talk about it...take a step back ..give her breathing space.go to a gym,/friends house for coffee ,act as if everything is fine.if the air turns sour and things start to kick off say...I trust you..what ever you think is best ,you've got my backing.behavourial issues and anger issues with my son were full on as I said untill about 18/19..they too will pass...your wife will notice the change in you not being so uptight ect ..let her handle it...fights will stop and. Tensions will ease.let her be in control and take a back seat..two people can't drive a bus together !

vriesmays

Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/ADHD-Does-Not-Exist-Hyperactivity/dp/006226673X

jos_kel

Thanks that makes sense.

I suppose the risk is seeming too detached

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624479#Comment_118624479

im sure this book is filled with the biggest bullsh1t on the planet!

just be aware, disorders such as adhd rarely occur on their own, its generally comorbid with others such as asd, and these disorders are genetic!

best of luck op, tough one

vriesmays

ADHD is a symptom not a disorder, It's like saying someone has heart-attack syndrome.

If ADHD was genetic it would obey the laws of genetics; there are no dominant / recessive genes for it.

Read the book and find out what's really going on instead of listening to someone who hasn't.

jos_kel

Due to the parental burnout over the years I can’t even tell if my marriage is loveless or we’ve just been keeping the faith that the parental demand would lessen.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624530#Comment_118624530

Be gone with your Quackery.

You are absolutly right ..there is a broad spectrum her between asd,ADHD ,Asperger's ect....all interlinked...sometimes the farther you move away the closer you get..an old saying ..is very true ...your wife will be very intutative and will be watching you as you give her the space...she will come to you!..

vriesmays

Another know-all who hasn't read the book.

Asd and ADHD are neurodevelopmental disorders.

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624530#Comment_118624530

fcuking hell!!!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624532#Comment_118624532

burn out is understandable, disorders such as adhd are no joke, ive add myself, especially when we dont supply the necessary supports for families dealing with them, by any chance do you think you son could be autistic, i am myself, ad(h)d is a common comorbidity?

While I haven't read the book I have three on the spectrum in my family and have countless hse courses under my belt dealing with autism,ADHD and Asperger's.id say that qualifys for something.

jos_kel

The thought of him being autistic has crossed my mind.

seems like we’re always chasing diagnoses and labels.

In lay mans terms he’s always looking up soccer scores, snooker scores, incessantly.

That strikes me as autistic-esque. But that’s just a lay person’s observation.

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624616#Comment_118624616

yea he could very well be, but you wont know without getting the appropriate assessments from qualified professionals, the reasoning behind me questioning this is, if he is, neither he nor your family are receiving the appropriate supports, gaining access to supports might just relive some of the family pressure, but even by doing so, this may not save your marriage, but......

id recommend the work of clinical psychologist tony Attwood for further info on autism, hes exceptional, it might just give you some guidance on all of this, again, these disorders are genetic, so theres a good chance either you and or your wife are the source! its becoming more common that parents are now being assessed along side their kids, as more and more level ones(me) are being detected, late in life

jos_kel

Would the same psychiatrist who diagnosed his ADHD be best placed to assess autism also.

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624735#Comment_118624735

asd assessments is a minefield in ireland at the moment, be very careful where you go, even where you get your info from, our gp's are the first port of call in anything health related, unfortunately some gp's are very poor with such issues, and some are exceptional, but i would probably start there.

maybe check in with organisations such as also

https://asiam.ie/

https://autism.ie/

a quick google will reveal others, but just be wary, there are questionable groups out there, who have realised theres a catastrophic short fall in the public system in relation to autism, and some are capitalising!

if you do decide to go for the assessments, id recommended going private, you d probably lose the will to live going public, but bring your wallet, this approach could cost you in excess of a grand or two, from good assessors, but again, get some good advice on who to go to

I'm not quite sure what can be done when one person refuses to care enough about the relationship to go to counselling or to allocate time to work on the relationship. I think that speaks volumes about the depth of the hostility, resentment and animosity you're up against.

'The opposite of love is not hate but indifference', as Elie Wiesel (1928-2016) famously observed. If somebody has given up on the relationship, you will feel the death before you pronounce the corpse dead. It is a place nobody should have to stay for long, but far too many of us do because we are, rightly, acutely aware of the savage consequences of divorce on our children and our own mental health. I found this very inspirational and insightful. If you stopped loving and making an effort to keep the marriage going would your marriage collapse? If so, what does that tell you?

https://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2018/12/next-year-let-go-of-the-people-who-arent-ready-to-love-you/

vriesmays

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624588#Comment_118624588

Ask a geneticist can they determine if a couple diagnosed with adhd will have children with it.

I would say it's passed through genitics alright ..all study's are pointing to this .ADHD and autism are closely linked

jos_kel

I suppose another question would be.

Can a couple who are both neuro-typical have a child who is neurodiverse?

Maybe if it’s genetic, it could be via an aunt, uncle or ancestor.