Top vs Bottom Debate

Liberty_Bear

Guys seem to have this as a deal breaker. Getting older I am not as fussed on the whole debate. Its grown rather tiresome. Appears to be a whole raison d'etre for certain parts of the gay community. Cant see see past it ? What about being a side? Or other elements of foreplay? Thoughts

Gael23

Very much agree. I have two friends who are really into each other but broke up because they are both bottoms.

Anal isn’t a huge thing for me personally anyway, I don’t always enjoy it

Liberty_Bear

Its become a bug bearer of mine. Why let it be a deciding factor

Locker10a

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118706089#Comment_118706089

Maybe I’m missing something but would sexual compatibility not be pretty major factor in the success of any relationship

Liberty_Bear

Sexual compatibility stretches beyond mere bedroom roles. Men outside the apps tend to not focus on it. It's become culturally popular due to apps to be pre defined. In pre app days most people didn't focus on such trivialities

ohnonotgmail

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118708802#Comment_118708802

not sure what age you are but 30 years the same issue existed. Some people are tops, some are bottoms, some can switch. But two exclusive tops or two exclusive bottoms just dont work in my experience. Two tops together probably more so.

Liberty_Bear

All about attitude and context.

ohnonotgmail

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118709055#Comment_118709055

no amount of attitude and context will fix somebody not being able to do what they really enjoy.

Liberty_Bear

I've had relationships where we compromised. Same goes for friends. If we are too rigid in thinking then we deny ourselves a varied existence

ohnonotgmail

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118709773#Comment_118709773

good for you. not everybody is like you. People sticking to what they like is not "rigid thinking". It is just people doing what they like.

Liberty_Bear

But unfortunately it leads to a stratification of the gay scene and reinforces all this nonsense that we are just tops and bottoms. Its reductive.

ongarboy

Cut vs uncut is another new one that seems to be asked on apps straight after the top/bottom question.

It's like there has become this globalised homogeneous way of hooking up driven by American influenced Grindr etiquette. You wouldn't be able to guess the country of the person asking the questions as the chat up lines are all so generic globally. I fear this is how most people who've only grown up in the hook up apps era believe is the only way to score a partner....

Gant21

Any port in a storm we are in a world war after all.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118716820#Comment_118716820

Thankfully its not too bad lol!

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118716806#Comment_118716806

This has like top/bottom, "what you into", snapchat filters, etc. ecome a trope for my fellow gays who lack imagination at times. I tend to ditch them, wash rinse repeat...there are plenty unlike that thankfully.

Annasopra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118708802#Comment_118708802

I think you see it is a triviality but others might place a lot more importance on it

Annasopra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118716614#Comment_118716614

I hear you. I dont like putting people into strict labels or boxes. But some people have strong preferences and dont like going outside their comfort zone.

Its also a bit of a consent issue. Ive had conversations like

"oh you should try x"

"No thanks I dont like it and dont find it comfortable"

"Oh but you'll be ok"

"No. I dont like it. Im not comfortable with it"

"Oh but...."

"Eh seriously hello NO MEANS NO"

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058232430/top-vs-bottom-debate

All you seem to be saying is that you have your own set of sexual interests. But then you're complaining why other people don't share your interests.

We could easily have some poster start a thread on "Sides and Foreplay", with the poster complaining that he doesn't understand why these people are not interested in topping or bottoming.

Presumably you or your equivalent would come along, and say, "Well, we all have our own sexual interests. It's not for you to complain about what other people are interested in".

And that would be the end of the matter. As it is for me.

It's a bit like an avid gamer complaining about why fit beachgoers aren't interested in their own sedentary lifestyle.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119156957#Comment_119156957

Im a bottom where it matters but it appears to be the main raison d'etre for a lot of us gay men. When you drill down to types - we can have a preference for skinny/chubby/average, gingers/blondes etc. Physical attributes we see and we know. Then you go further into it and decide that on sexual preferences without realising that the sum total of a relationship is not just sex. I accommodate where I can, I make it clear I would go out with other bottoms....

Gant21

You’re mad for pegging.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119167522#Comment_119167522

Ive the brush pole glued to the washing machine on a full cycle..

Annasopra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119156957#Comment_119156957

I think its more about saying people can fit neatly into boxes but the boxes themselves dont have to be rigid, inflexible etc. It makes sense - the idea of a person saying they are incompatible with another person based on only one aspect shows a very rigid fixed deterministic view of relationships. Theres lots of other aspects to a person.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119170092#Comment_119170092

Its good for weeding out folk to be honest who have it as a sole criteria

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119167507#Comment_119167507

I think that's just the nature of man, irrespective of whether that man is straight or gay.

So I wouldn't isolate gay men, if I were you, but accept that this is how men typically behave - or at least think - irrespective of their sexuality (there are always exceptions to the rule, of course).