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Moving Abroad possibly to find a relationship/or run away from problems

  • 07-02-2022 4:14pm
    Registered Users Posts: 4

    Hi all,


    I am a 34 year old man living in Dublin where I grew up. I have a good public sector job here which pays well and I like my job. I have decent career prospects and will have been there for 2 years next August. I don't have many friends to hang out with at weekends however I do have a number of sports that I do that keeps me busy. I live at home with my father and brother as I am saving for a mortgage. The housing market is annoying at the but c'est la vie. My home-life is not very good and my mother who had an affair on my father and moved into a new home with her (now deceased) partner is a constant annoyance as she is always coming back to the house and causing rows. My mother has recently alienated her sister, my auntie (who I adore) and her 4 adult daughters). So things are okay but they could be better. I am however carrying a lot of stress. As the older sibling, I am looked to as the 'fixer' of the family.

    Anyway, linked to some of the above, I have poor self-esteem in a relationship sense. I have never really had a long-term relationship and I am exceptionally nervous with women. I have a negative opinion of myself. Further to this, any experiences I have had with women have been fleeting encounters. And while this is fine and wanted, I crave intimacy and to find a partner. I am quite closed to women here.

    The solution (???)

    Over the past 8 years or so, I have visited Germany (near Dusseldorf) quite a bit and I have made some really great friends there. There is a particular couple of women who are married to each other in their late 20s who are like sisters to me. We have the same interests, we look out for each other and I get on well with all of their friends. I have also had a lot more interest from women over there than I have here in Dublin. I love it there and I feel more outgoing and more relaxed there. One of the women in the wider group of friends (lets call her Lisa) has made it clear that she is into me, we could probably date each other but she does not want to do that if I do not move to Germany. This is very fair and honest and upfront so no problems there. The thing is, I would like to move over there and give things a shot.

    I do not speak German and it is not even a sure thing that I would be dating Lisa so nothing is confirmed, but I would like to try. I previously studied and worked in the UK and worked in Poland which I liked but not as much as Germany

    My proposed solution (?) is that I would take a career break of 2 years from my job in the summer and try to source a job in Germany. If I source something I like in that area, I will apply for the career break. In the meantime, I will potentially buy a 2-bedroom apartment and my brother can rent it from me as he is looking for a place to rent.

    Workwise I might upskill in IT as without German, I probably would not get any jobs in my current area (HR).

    Does that sound bananas altogether?

    Ultimately I am lonely here and would like to find a partner, settle down, have the 2.5 children and the two dogs (Lisa and I both mentioned this, so our life goals are aligned) but even if it doesn't work out with Lisa, I get a lot of attention there from other potential love-interests too. I am more open to everyone in Germany, perhaps it is shyness relationship-wise that hinders me here, I don't know.


    Pros: I enjoy the Dusseldorf area. I have friends there who I get on with and we help each other out. I would also be moving away from my family. Their woes constantly bring me down. I would be putting myself out there to meet people, settle down and have what I want in life which is that normal, quiet, family life.

    Cons: Despite me wanting to take a career break rather than resigning from my job, it would still mean my career would take a detour at the very least. There is no job lined up in Germany just yet.

    So despite loving Dublin, I feel unfulfilled here as I have a small social circle and have limited romantic interests. My family problems also bring me down.

    My question is - does this all sound too fanciful? Is it a case of the grass is greener on the other side?

    I am conscious that at 34, this might be my final throw of the dice and don't want it to slip through my fingers.

    Thank you for all responses.


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,979 ✭✭✭Caranica

    Don't buy an apartment. If your brother is looking for somewhere to rent let him find somewhere. It's a nightmare being a landlord and a million times more so if it's family.

    Try the move, worst that can happen is that it doesn't work out. You can learn a lot of German in 4 months if you do intensive courses.

  • Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭[Deleted User]

    I second, Don't buy the apartment. It is actually not your job to house your brother, no matter how you feel. Also learn German, it's not that difficult a language

    Does your public service job allow you to work from home? Try that. If not, take your career break, I couldn't see a reason not to.

    On the move, do not go just for this Lisa girl, things may or may not work out. Move knowing you are starting a new life and see where it will take you.

    Don't know what you are waiting for OP 😉

  • Registered Users Posts: 930 ✭✭✭TheadoreT

    The move itself isn't fanciful but your assertion that you're one person here and another there is . You're not going to be "exceptionally nervous" with women in one place and a lothario in another. So I'd get help for the anxiety or whatever it is and not think it's all going to magically go away in another place.

    The Lisa situation all sounds a bit mechanical. You didn't say one nice thing about her. I get the feeling if you were really excited about the potential of being with someone your language surrounding this would be different. Her being into you can't be enough of a reason. Nor can you both wanting 2.5 kids and being at a certain age(which is a slightly weird place to go with someone you're not even dating).

    So while it does sound like a change from your Dublin rut would be advisable, I think you need to realign your expectations a little and stop trying to force the issue. You can run away from a place, but you can't run away from your issues so you need to face them head on.

  • Registered Users Posts: 823 ✭✭✭Liberty_Bear

    I know exactly what you are saying about Dusseldorf and I have a somewhat out of the box solution. If you are public sector like I then you might be able to look into the mobility scheme. IDA Ireland have a place there that is involved with promoting business or something similar. Dussselforf is a fairly well to do part of Germany and the rents are slightly higher than the rest of Germany. The beauty of it though is (apart from drinking in the Altstadt) is that there is Koln nearby so flights are reasonably cheap and easy to get (Aer Lingus, Eurowings). A knowledge of Japenese is also useful as it has the largest community of Japanese in Europe thanks to the companies there and they always are looking for native English speakers.

    Ive toyed with the idea of moving abroad for a relationship only because Ive the opposite issue, Im confident but I find no one lives up to what I want (being a big guy into big guys is limiting!) so I thought that UK but inevitably I wont. Perhaps the matter is not with you wanting a new envioronment but the danger that if you do, then these feelings that exist here may still be there. If you are looking at meeting a woman in a different country where the language and customs are different then its going to be a whole different ball game.

    Sit down do out a plan - what are the costs of living, what sort of jobs can you get, can you chat to women there already and work on that self confident. If anything can be said its that you are an emotionally intelligent, compassionate guy with a lot to offer who is just finding his feet in the world. Sincerely hope you work things out x

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,185 ✭✭✭hawley

    I'd say go for it. Presumably you could come back to your job within a certain period of time if it didn't work out. The relationship that you have with these people in Dusseldorf is going to be completely different if you're living there permanently, instead of just flitting in and out of their lives. They probably don't fully expect you to move to Germany. On a side note your mother must have some nerve. She needs to be called out on her behavior.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 644 ✭✭✭Mackleton

    I'd second what others have said here, definitely take the leap, but make sure you're doing it for the right reasons.

    I'm someone who is an introvert by nature and I started living in different countries when I was about 17 (au-pairing), then studied abroad, moved to various countries and am finally settled in the UK. I can safely say that nothing has done more for my confidence and sense of self worth as travelling. Pushing yourself and potentially seeing yourself thrive in a new culture and environment is hugely satisfying and liberating (in my case anyway).

    That self-confidence can sometimes spill over into your romantic life, and *might* be the nudge you need. However, as others have said, make this move for you, not for Lisa or any potential romance (if that happens, it's a bonus). Moving isn't going to change your personality and you'll have a new range of insecurities in a new country (e.g. language barriers, and trying to assimilate, professional challenges etc.) but those can be overcome. I will say though that the feeling of liberation arriving somewhere with no history or baggage attached is great, you can start fresh and build a life from scratch (scary but also exciting).

    You have the benefit of friends already which I can tell you is huge during the early months of a relocation. You also have the benefit of a job that allows career breaks.

    So ultimately you have little to lose and a whole world to gain. Go for it, but don't expect it to fix all your problems.

    And yeah, don't buy the flat, could become a millstone around your neck, not to mention a distraction from your new life. Let your brother sort his own life out 😉

    Best of luck OP!

  • Registered Users Posts: 591 ✭✭✭heretothere

    Go for it, but for you, not for the chance of dating Lisa. It doesn't sound like you are mad about her, just that she'd suit which isn't fair on either of ye.

    I probably wouldn't go until I had a job lined up. Flights are pretty cheap and not long if you needed to go over for an interview after an initial online interview.

    I would be trying to learn as much German as you can between now and the summer, find a class, download the apps, get some books. Whilst you can hopefully get a job that you will be working in English it will be good/ normal to be able to talk to your colleagues in German.

    Don't get the flat. It is opening up a whole lot of hassle for you. And certainly don't rent it out to your brother. There will be income tax, insurance, property tax, maintenance and plenty of other things you will have to be sorting out. I would however put your deposit money into the best sort of savings account you can find and keep adding to it so that you can hopefully buy in Ireland or Germany.

    Overall I think go for it! Why not, nothing much holding you here. As others have said, no you can't run away from your issues but sometimes it is easier to become the person you want to be in a new place without old baggage around you. Also your mam sounds like a cow

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,097 ✭✭✭wildwillow

    I have no advice except don't buy an apartment. It will be a nightmare and you are not responsible for your brother.

    Taking la career break sound a good idea and allows you try the alternative.

    Good luck with whatever you decide.

  • Moderators, Entertainment Moderators, Politics Moderators Posts: 14,455 Mod ✭✭✭✭johnnyskeleton

    As far as Im aware, no one has ever, on their death bed, said "I wish I didnt chase that girl, move to that country, follow my dream and live my life, and instead worked more so that my brother could have cheaper rent".

    Youre not being wild with this - youre taking a calculated risk and the career break gives you something to come back to if it doesnt work

  • Registered Users Posts: 18,709 ✭✭✭✭Donald Trump

    I knew a fella who moved abroad after a girl he had known for a few months while she was studying here.

    Turns out that she hadn't really expected him to come as she thought they weren't being serious about him moving. It was only a holiday romance for her and talk of him moving to her had been fluff.

    He returned a few months later. At least in his case, he didn't have to uproot anything as he was in his early-mid 20's and hadn't settled into a career role and had no house etc.

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