Too soon to tell my ex I've moved on?

2Mad2BeMad

Hi everyone,

Myself and my ex broke up last September. So just over 5 months ago.

We were in a long term relationship, over 10years. I decided to end the relationship as I just didn't love her anymore, felt no attraction to her physically and our relationship just felt like we were just getting on with life. She agreed with me when I brought it up. All we ever did was sit in and rarely done anything together. I got so depressed that I felt trapped. The relationship to me felt like we've been broken up over 2 years, that's how long it took me to build up the courage to say something.

So the break up was a 'good' one if you could call it that. We both agreed to end it.

I myself am much happier with my life. She seems happy too I think.

Now here's the complicated part. We do have a child together, he's been the main reason we lasted so long.

Were very civil towards one another and there's no problems with me taking him over night whenever I like.

Thankfully no courts.

I've started dating since beginning of december nothing too serious just abit of fun. I recently met a girl early in January and while it's far too soon for her to meet my kid we have been on a good few dates. I could see myself been with her we get on great she said so herself that she loves been with me. She also has a kid from a past relationship.

So were taking things slow in a sense that we don't want to call our self's boyfriend and girlfriend just yet and to give it a while before we introduce each other to our kids. And while it's too early to tell if we are going to be together for a long time we have already made some plans, a hotel stay in March and possibly a holiday in June to Italy for a city break.

But I'm just wondering when would be the right time to tell the ex that I'm seeing someone or even dating in general. While I know it's not really her business, we do have a child and it could complicate things there as I'm certain she would still like to give our relationship another go even though I'd be dead set against it. It also would be better for me to tell her then her to find out

Is 5 months too soon? Like I said I feel like my relationship has been over a long time but last thing I want is anything to turn sour. While I don't think she would use our child as a weapon against me maybe me seeing someone else might do it.

Should I have waited a year? I don't know when's the right time, theres probably never a right time.

While I like where things are going with the new girl, whether it lasts forever or only a few months, I still dread saying anything to the ex.

Anyone ever be in this situation?

Daved_XB

If I where you, I wouldn't want the first conversation with my Ex to be "Hey meet XZY, her & I have been dating for a while now & our son will be seeing a lot of her"

Also I don't know the age of your son but kids pick up on a lot of stuff & I also wouldn't want to risk them reporting back innocently on something they overhead or saw & have that be the way my Ex found out.

Step one for me would be to tell her that you're going to start putting yourself out there on the dating scene now (I mean do that today)... this way she can start to get her head around that idea & process that... then in a few weeks if things are still going well for you & you're new girl you can tell your Ex that you're dating someone & it won't be as big of a shock to her as it's a natural progression from I'm looking to I've found.

Whilst you don't need her approval or permission to move on & date again, after 10 years together & for the sake of your ongoing relationship you do owe her the decency of trying to limit any pain or hurt perceived or real from you moving on "too fast"

hawley

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118593479#Comment_118593479

I agree that it's better to let her know beforehand; the only problem is that if he says that he's starting to date now and then she finds out that he's going away on break with someone a few weeks later it's going to be obvious that he's lying. It's possible that she'll think that he left her for his partner if she finds out that he has lied about his new relationship. I think that he just needs to be upfront about his new relationship now. I don't think you should have agreed to these breaks so soon after ending a long term relationship. It could cause you problems with your ex.

spaceHopper

Whatever you do don't lie, even white lies as won't know what to think and might believe that you were cheating on her. Tell her you didn't what her to hear it from your child accidently or from somebody else. That you went of few dates in December and you've started to see one girl a bit more often, it's early days not serious. You haven't told your child either but you wanted her to hear it from you instead of somebody else. You hope it hasn't hurt her. Maybe do it when you collect your child, that way if she is hurt she has time to deal with it with out them around.

If you're ready to move on from a 10-year relationship after 5 months, then do so. It's your life. As you have a child with her it's important that you're honest and respectful about it. A bit of vulnerabilty on your part might be appropriate.

I think it's courtesy to tell her when there's a child involved, even if there won't be any introductions yet.

My ex met their now spouse very quickly after we broke up, and although I was surprised, I was glad they told me even before it got serious (it was more out of spite in this case I will say lol)



😊

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118597516#Comment_118597516

I haven’t read the rest of the thread, but honestly? Apart from yes the courtesy of telling the ex he’s dating, IMO, that's it. He can do whatever he wants, that's just between himself and new gf – obviously if the children his and her’s were involved, that would be a totally different matter, but it's himself and herself going on break in March and Italy in June, from what I understand, unless I’m not reading something right? OP, if as you say, it took 2 years for you to build up the courage to end the relationship, then go out there and enjoy yourself I say, but do as you are, and take things slowly with introducing children to each other, each other’s children, etc.

Best of luck, life is short!

Wombatman

How is your ex-partner dealing with the break up? If she is in a bad place and likely to take the news of you with a new woman very badly I'm be inclined to slow thing down a bit out of respect for her. I suspect this might be why you are asking.

5 months is the blink of an eye against a 10 year + backdrop. You started dating after three months. You have only been doing a line for less than 7 weeks. I expect things might still feel very raw for your ex and if so I think you should do all you can to not expose her to more heartache at this time.

YellowLead

I don’t see the need to say anything to your ex this soon - about 7 weeks? into something, it’s so new.

If you both live in the same town and likely to bump into each other then yeah time to say something. Otherwise, it’s probably just best to say you’ve stated dipping your toe into the dating scene - which is what you have done.

Just be careful you’re not rushing too soon into anything (some people are so happy with the first person they meet initially because it’s exciting and new and not their old stale relationship) and please wait a long time before introducing kids - unless a it’s very limited and in a friends capacity.

good luck and enjoy dating.

AyeGer

Are you sure she doesn’t know already. If you were together 10 years people talk.

cj maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118631581#Comment_118631581

This is it in a nutshell. Its none of her business. Full stop ,what you do in your private life. You haven't involved your child which is wise , imo , at this stage.

Has she told her kid ? Or their father?. Have you met her ex? This is a conversation for you and your gf, and nobody else at this early stage imo.

If you both see this going further then obviously introductions will have to be made, but Don't put the cart before the cart just yet. Best of luck.

Salient Verb

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058231657/too-soon-to-tell-my-ex-ive-moved-on

Its entirely up to you what you do, no laws apply here but I assume you want to keep a cordial relationship with your ex as she seems to have full custody of your kid apart from when you ask to have him/her for the night?

I find it hard to believe that you're planning to " a hotel stay in March and possibly a holiday in June to Italy for a city break" with someone you've only been dating for only 7 or 8 weeks. And if a stranger on the internet thinks that, then I think its unlikely that your ex will believe it either. I mean the hotel stay, yes but a holiday to Italy with someone you've only known a couple of months max? And thats assuming you met her right at the beginning of January and not at the end. I don't know anyone that would agree to that. How much time have you guys had together realistically if you've gone from dating to holidaying together in such a short time period? As a woman, you just do not know how someone you barely know will behave in a foreign country or in a hotel room.

So I think your ex will likely assume you had been cheating on her and thats why you ended the relationship, because you had someone lined up to move on with.

Your priority at this time should be your child and getting a formal custody order for access so that your ex cannot take the hump if you tell her you have a girlfriend and refuse you access. But you don't share custody 50:50, you say only "there's no problems with me taking him over night whenever I like".

You haven't got court sanctioned custody of your kid or are applying for it? Why not? Because this could affect it. If you are likely to introduce your child to your girlfriend, then of course you should inform your ex about this. She will want to know who has access to her kid, and thats completely reasonable since she seems to be the one doing the vast majority of raising the child here.

Mongfinder General

You’re moving very quickly. You’ve been very lucky in ending a relationship on what I figure is amicable terms. There are some absolute horror stories or there. And then there’s the relationship that’s developing. You should have a look at the Rich Cooper videos on YouTube. Better Bachelor too. These videos discuss what has and can go wrong in relationships.