Dealing with trainer who seems to have temperment issue

Brid Hegarty

Maybe I was jinxing it by typing this thread but something quite offensive was said to me. I began working a new job on Monday and was introduced to an a$shole of a trainer. It started with something that wasn't all that bad; he was showing two of us around the site and as he was bringing us through some yard he joked to somebody he knew "two new lambs for the slaughter here" if I heard it right. Later that day we met the overall boss who gave us a big spiel about not taking stuff personally from the public. That's never been a bother to me; if only he knew that the only guy that been bothering me so far is the guy under himself.

The next offensive remark came towards the end of the second day. As we came to the end of the day instead of saying goodbye he said "disappear"! A few seconds later after we'd sorted the stuff on our desks and were ready to go he said "right lads, ciao... disappear quietly and I'll see ye in the morning". It's basically a more polite way of saying "get out of my face". And seeing as I was the only one of the three who first language was English I felt the onus was on me to say something. I should have called him on it but I found that my brain was too busy trying to figure out a way to interpret the remark as if it weren't an offensive one! Earlier that day he gave me a nudge as I was the first of the group to walk into the room of another trainer as we were about to leave him for a while. I don't know if it was meant to be his guiding hand or something but there was a bit more force than necessary. The sort of thing that you'd imagine being done to a cow in the mart. I know I should have confronted him but I didn't. We had a different trainer since Wednesday next day thankfully, who is more patient. I t was almost as if he wanted to get his dig in the last day he'd be dealing with us.

Part of the reason it was hurtful was because I liked being able to start fresh at a new company. Being knocked into place like this does not help me or the company. Is it a coincidence that the one person in the world who I'd tolerate such behaviour from is the person who's able to get away with it. And yes of course I would agree that if I were the owner of a company and a brand new employee complained about someone to me on their first week, alarms bells may be ringing in my head. This very trainer read out the company policy on bullying and told us "that is one thing this company won't f**king tolerate"! Hmm. It's also a kick in the guts to think that it's mandatory to join a union with this company... because what are unions for? Dealing with matters such as abusive behaviour. But what would I be told if I thought about reporting this to the union? Oh you don't want to be drawing attention to yourself. Perhaps my big ego doesn't help in such matters, but I thought I'd be beyond this at my age. I guess some bullies can really pounce on new employees when their guards are down.

Jim_Hodge

I honestly feel you're over thinking those two comments. I personally see nothing amiss with them.

Fandymo

I think the issue is a lot bigger in your head than in real life. I wouldn’t consider anything you’ve typed to be abusive or out of the norm.

Not the most pleasant or sensitive things to say, but hardly offensive. Life is going to always be tough for you Brid if you are so easily offended.

listermint

Person makes joke about new starts being lambs to the slaughter in offensive shocker....

Id say it was more of a crap qwip the type that are made with zero ill will meant.

hawley

His comment to you when leaving, telling you to "Disappear" was unnecessary and aggressive. Him saying that you're lambs to the slaughter, infers that he thinks that he has some kind of power over you. You would need to be able to prove that he hit you with force. Basically you need a witness. It might be worthwhile to outline how it all to a manager. I know you probably don't want to make a fuss of this, but you don't want to have people treating you like that either.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118578283#Comment_118578283

”hit you with force”?

hawley

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118578310#Comment_118578310

She said that he nudged her with force, like hitting a cow in a mart.

Jim_Hodge

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118578283#Comment_118578283

"Disappear" "Vamoose" "Scram" "Off with yea". Informal harmless language. Where's the aggression?

"Lambs to the slaughter" is an old adage for newbies to a role.

I'd hate to see how you'd react to real aggression, bullying or abuse.

wench

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118578283#Comment_118578283

Lambs to the slaughter means that they are innocents, new to the job. It doesn't have sinister overtones.

I think you might be a bit too sensitive OP

wench

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118578328#Comment_118578328

Brid is a him (if it matters), and everywhere he works he meets arsholes out to get him. You know what they say about meeting arsholes all day...

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118578328#Comment_118578328

Have you ever been to a mart? I suspect the op is exaggerating for effect. As others have said, it’s office banter for newbies, it is offensive if you are looking to be offended.

hawley

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118578353#Comment_118578353

The title of the thread must mean that there's more to it than that. There's obviously an element of aggression in the interactions.

walshb

Give the chap a bit of leeway and time. I mean, it’s hardly incessant. You’re there what, a day?

wench

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118578376#Comment_118578376

It really doesn't. This poster has form in looking for offense where none was intended.

irelandrover

Two new lambs to the slaughter would be a normal way of introducing new colleagues to me.

I can see why you'd find "disappear" offensive but could also see why someone else wouldn't even notice it

The nudge could have been a complete accident.

However you seem to have a lot of posts where you have issues with your employer and no one else does. At some point you have to ask yourself questions.

Fandymo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118578283#Comment_118578283

Jesus, do people like this actually exist in the real world?? Lamb to the slaughter, another victim, run now before you get used to the place are all ice-breakers I’ve heard said to new starters.

Disappear, scram, get out of my sight before I find something else for you to do, are also jokey ways of telling you that you can head off home. I’ve also been told “You can fcuk off home now if your finished” when working on a site. I’ve no idea how I didn’t faint. FFS.

If someone came to me with any of the above they’d be gone before their trial period was up. No need for that sort of nonsense in the workplace.

hawley

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118578364#Comment_118578364

Sorry, I thought Brid was a female.

Jim_Hodge

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118578376#Comment_118578376

So the OP reads more in to what was said than is reasonable and then you read between the lines for pure supposition? Remarkable.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118578400#Comment_118578400

Should that matter? It doesn’t come across as aggressive or offensive irrespective of gender.

Jequ0n

Well OP, you just be taking this non story VERY seriously to have pasted the same post in at least 2 threads. I hope you find the closure you need.

blackvalley

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118578361#Comment_118578361

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058223416/pat-shortts-daughter-go-away/p1

Sounds like our old friend Brid is extremely sensitive to his own feelings but is totally indifferent to the feelings of others judging on his comments about Pat Shortt,s daughter. Then again I get a strong smell of " agitating the excrement " from this post .

HBC08

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118578328#Comment_118578328

Meanwhile,off the Internet and back in the real world...

By the way Brid is a he,that's the least of his worries though.

Brid Hegarty

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118578618#Comment_118578618

Agitating the excrement? I haven't heard that before? What does it mean?

hawley

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118585511#Comment_118585511

It means looking for a reaction. Have you brought up any of the issues with someone in the company? Do you think that you're too sensitive and have you gone over the incidents again in the past few days. You need to keep a record of any incidents for future reference if you do want to make a complaint.

Paul_Mc1988

Brid and Hawley have obviously lived very sheltered lives. I can tell you from experience I've heard things 50 time worse and nothing said.

Most of them phrases have no ill meaning and are banter comments. If you ever want to move up in the job space you'll need a thicker skin.

On the other hand make a complaint to the boss and see how it goes and post back in here so we can have a laugh :D

hawley

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118585551#Comment_118585551

But in a lot of the incidents you witnessed, workers may have had a case for workplace bullying. I don't think that there's enough in Brid's experience for doing so yet. He probably just wants to feel comfortable at work and that he's in a safe space. Some people have different triggers. If he had called out the trainer, it would have helped stop it.

Paul_Mc1988

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118585596#Comment_118585596

It's all how it's interpreted. In the overwhelming majority of them it would be the so called "triggered person" just being weak minded and soft and if on probation or there under a year they would and should be given their marching orders.

The workplace is no place for them kind of people constantly causing issues that are not really there.

El_Duderino 09

I'd consider the lambs to the slaughter remark and the dissappear remark as light ribbing. I wouldn't say dissappear to anyone but it's really not worth getting cross about.

I don't know how to phrase this without it appearing to endorse bullying. But mild ribbing is normal for new staff to a job. It's a mild version of an initiation test. You take a mild slagging and show that you're not too sensitive and people can relax around you. That's how it worked in olden times anyway. It doesn't mean the Work environment will be brilliant or happy or bad or anything else. I would just smile and take it easy to see hat happens next.

I wouldn't say anything based on those incidents. The physical shove might be a different story but it could have been a mistake or a loss of balance or a shove.

I'd stay positive and see how things progress. Might be absolutely nothing in it.

Dial Hard

Honest question, dude, have you ever had a job where you *didn't* have issues with the people? Cause there's only one common denominator here that I can see.

rustynutz

Wow, if you managed to find any of the above even mildly offensive then I genuinely don't think you should be in the workforce until you sort your issues out. You will likely make a complaint against this person which will end up their record.

Toughen up, life is going to be extremely difficult for you if you don't.

growleaves

That is not workplace bullying. Being subordinate is stressful and no one likes it.

I wouldn't like being told "Disappear" but there's no issue with it, it's just annoying to be junior to someone.

Before you says "He's not my direct supervisor rah rah" it doesn't matter, you are a new person - you don't have status in the company yet.

If you make an issue of it they will think you are tapped and regret hiring you.

Ride it out, build status and credibility in the organisation. Earn mutual respect with people. You're starting from the ground up.

Brid Hegarty

@growle Being subordinate is stressful and no one likes it.

I've never minded being subordinate in other companies. It's not like such employees don't already know it. If they acted above their position then I can understand why they might need to be taken down a peg, but otherwise it's unnecessary. And why is it stressful? There's a difference between "feeling small" and being stressed. In fact the managers jobs are typically considered more stressful as there's more responsibility.

Brid Hegarty

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118585714#Comment_118585714

Well it's not a coincidence that the person I'd a slight bad feeling about was the person to do these things. I won't be expecting it from the other managers. Some the lads we met in the canteen joked to him to "be nice to us" and it kind of annoyed him a bit. He brought us down the corridor and brushed up against another employee's stomach on the way. That guy joked "assault"... sort of as a hint to say 'sorry'. The trainer (who had walked on) just replied "when I assault you, you'll know it"! I turned around and nodded at that employee to show him that I think he's an asshole too. Then we bumped into (not physically this time) a young lady around the next corner. He chatted with her for a bit and she said to us "don't be afraid of him"! Interesting. He seems to be nicer with the women... like they kind of brighten up his day. We're just the lads you know.

hawley

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118585926#Comment_118585926

"The trainer (who had walked on) just replied "when I assault you, you'll know it"!"

I would seriously consider quitting that place if I were you. There are plenty of other jobs out there at the moment. You'd have to have witnessed the tone that he made the reply in but it sounds nasty. Did it sound like a joke or banter? Keep a record of all these incidents, who was there etc, in case you want to do something about it in future.

Brid Hegarty

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118585980#Comment_118585980

It was a joke, but the sort of joke that only he would be allowed to make! Yer man did laugh but I don't know how he took it. The issue was that he should have acknowledged the fact that his arm brushed up against yer man's stomach.

Another time when we were walking on the road out in traffic. He would walk through red pedestrian lights without care. One car stopped as it saw he was about to just walk straight out without care. He then then stopped and aggressively waved the car on as if it the driver was the stupid one. I could see the passenger in the car sort of laughing in surprise. At another red light it was kind of busy so I made a point of not following him through it... you have do what's right for you, you know.

At another point during the day he was on the phone giving out about another employee while we were filling out forms. On the phone I heard him say "I said hello to him in the bathroom this morning and he didn't say anything" as well as "I think he's moving to a different department anyway thanks bit of God" and also "he's saying he's health issues but I'd wonder". Of course I don't mind this but it show that others might have issues with him too.

It's the best job I've had to date, and I've had a bad track record so I don't think I'll be quitting. Anyway I could always complain him in a year after I get appointed because then it will be (apparently) impossible to fire me.

Flinty997

I don't find it credible that some one says they are experienced in not taking things seriously but then is entirely offended by a bit of ambiguous clumsy banter.

hawley

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118586018#Comment_118586018

Neither of these two incidents really involve you, so I wouldn't make a big issue out of it. Your other options are trying to be friendly with him so that he doesn't pick on you. Find out what his interests are and then bring it up in conversation. The second option is to go to HR about him. Say that you've had a few run-ins with him and you're worried that it could escalate to bullying. You have a record then if there's anymore issues.

Brid Hegarty

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118586048#Comment_118586048

Did I say at some point that I'm experienced in not taking things seriously? I did say that I didn't take the comment about the lambs too seriously, but I don't claim to have such experience.

In a way this guy reminds me of Quinn in Jaws.

Brid Hegarty

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118586054#Comment_118586054

If it's one thing I know about myself, it's that I'm not a suck up. If I were to suck up to him, I would be very aware that the only reason I would be doing it was so that he won't bully me, and that wouldn't do wonders for my self esteem. Quite contradictory in fact.

hawley

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118586078#Comment_118586078

Unfortunately in some companies there's a culture of bullying. If you have two or three senior people engaging in bullying it's very hard for HR or anyone else to stand against it, especially if they're regarded as being very important to the organization. I left a job a few years ago because of this.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118586078#Comment_118586078

You do seem to have sensitive antennae for picking up behaviour you find offensive though.

Brid Hegarty

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118586098#Comment_118586098

There have been times when I did see things that I didn't like, however I was always brave enough to divert a conversation that a bully would want to have about another employee, or else have no part in the such a conversation. This can often annoy the bully as they're trying to suss out who's side your on. I've no doubt they'd have turned on me if I spoke my mind, but they can never have a reason to hate you if stay completely out of all gossip.

Flinty997

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118586065#Comment_118586065

"...not taking stuff personally from the public. That's never been a bother to me..."

Brid Hegarty

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118586146#Comment_118586146

Oh yes. Very very rarely, and if so I'd quickly get over it. There's a big difference between the public and your superiors. Whenever someone from the public gave me abuse I just find it kind of funny to watch them make a fool out of themselves, or at least that's the way I think of it. I'll nearly always be able to handle it, whether it be by killing them with kindness or whatever else. And of course if I'm wrong then I don't mind getting a bit of abuse or apologising. I know that I don't have to take such abuse if I don't want to though... that's the difference. With an abusive customer at least the other staff (and managers) will often be on your side. But if it's a manager that's abusive; who's going to be on your side then?

The other thing of course is that after an incident with a customer, they are out of your life forever. Your manager isn't. You'll get that sting of a memory of the time you should have stood up for yourself or whatever else it was. With your managers, you feel as though you can't slag them back when they are out of line, which causes you to let you guard down. You have no idea whether they'll view a comment you make as a joke and forget about it, or whether they'll hold it against you and try get you back. Now if you put up with them, then at least you'll know that the next time you don't make a promotion that it was nothing personal. But if don't put up with them then you'll always wonder the real reason you didn't get the promotion. Now I don't really mind being spoken down to a little by managers. But I DO NOT like when the line is crossed. And likewise if I were a manger I would realise that I don't need to be a bully to have someone's respect.

Hope that explains it.

Brid Hegarty

@Fandymo If someone came to me with any of the above they’d be gone before their trial period was up. No need for that sort of nonsense in the workplace.

Maybe, but in the process you may see the manager you appointed in a very different light!

Jim_Hodge

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118586285#Comment_118586285

Don't cod yourself. They'd only see one appointment in a different light and it wouldn't be him.

backwards_man

OP If someone says something to you that feels off or wierd or not acceptable, call them out on it. In the workplace there is a process to go through but it almost always starts with you standing your ground and having a word with the person. If you complain about every litttle perceived slight you will waste alot of time and energy trying to get people to change their ways. You are not going to like everyone and they are not all going to like you but at work you need to get along. If you call this guy out and he persists and it bothers you, put it in writing to HR and make it their problem, but dont expect it to go in your favour. The guy sounds like a dick. You cant change him.

Flinty997

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118586233#Comment_118586233

Not really. You can't be hyper sensitive one minute and impervious and easy going the next.

It's a bit like taking a hard zero tolerance approach one minute and letting things slide the next.

Brid Hegarty

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118586377#Comment_118586377

You think I'm going to give you another very lengthy explanation on that don't you, just so that you can disagree with me again! Hah.