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Ha Cancer...

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  • 25-01-2022 12:11am
    #1
    Liberty_Bear
    Registered Users Posts: 823 ✭✭✭


    About 18 years ago I had cock/ball cancer. Me nut swelled to a golf ball size. Doc asked "you sexually active?" nope says I (fingering pensioners didn't count).. . So he says its either" mumps or cancer ", I got my MMR and knew it was cancer. You think the whole world is fucked.

    Informed my parents and mates. On the waiting list. Few days later I get the cáll, a bed was available. That Sunday felt like the longest journey ever. The doc said it will be operated on, like bringing up a conker on a bit of string. The doc administering the anesthetic was Ukrainian. I waffled about Andrei Shevchenko and a bunch of football teams from Championship Manger and called him a **** as my eyes rolled back in my head. I woke up from the operation finding it had been done.

    What followed was aside from all the serious shite (was informed it was an aggressive cancer and 80% chance of returning as it was lying against a vein) was a hilarious few weeks. Obviously I thought I was going to die. Who doesn't.

    My dá brought in Padre Pios glove to bless my bollix. I looked at the old bastard and said "what the **** do I do with this", so I blessed my cock n ball. Remember at this stage I'm atheist since I'm 12!

    It didn't help the doctor was a huge bear called Ray who got me hard as nails.

    Weeks and weeks of tests and it didn't come back.

    During the cancer years ago I had a check up with a registrar who was a Malaysian Muslim woman. Her task was to check me over for cancer. She introduces herself and tells me to sit on the examination table and to pull my trousers and boxers down. I lie flat on the table and she puts her gloves on, latex that are cold to the touch because she washed her hands. Holding my single solitary nut she rolls it between her fingers and I let out a rasp and a snotty snort laughing as it's ticklish. The more she does it the more I start laughing till I start crying and she can't see as her glasses fog up laughing too. I laughed so hard I fell off the examination table on to the floor arse in the air tears coming down my face. She was on convulsions leaning against the wall. The main consultant had to come in to see what was wrong such was the racket


    The cancer never came back but I got a pass in life. You search your soul thinking you will die of a horrible disease. I came out of it more atheist. My humour was twisted to the darkest depths that I can only but laugh at tragedy.

    The other night I shaved me pubes and saw the scar. Cancer you did me wonders.. Thanks.....


    Musings .. I quite like Boards...feel comfortable popping in and sharing stuff!



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