30's/40's how do you deal with people your age dying

shillyshilly

Just had news today of a death of a guy, mid 40's, heart attack..... knew him and his wife for a few years...

He wasn't unfit, quite the opposite, but he was someone who partied hard over the years...

Now this isn't my first "peer" or friend death, I have a list the length of both my arms.... drugs, suicide, car crashes, murder, various accidents etc...

But for some reason, this one sort of hit me today.... a lot of my friends would have been in similar social circles, and have very similar social lives, and could be in similar circumstances over the coming years..

I live elsewhere, but do drift back into the party scene any time I'm home, but, with a young family, for some reason stuff like this terrifies me now.

A lot of people seem to have this thing of living in the moment, live everyday as if it's your last, my friend groups included.... but that just seems to translate into, get as wrecked as much as possible, and reminisce about those who have gone and those times you got wrecked with them... don't get me wrong, as fun as that can be at times, I am getting more focused on keeping myself alive for a long as possible to support my family and make memories that don't revolve around partying.... but that is seen as boring these days....

probably just becoming an old fart, but has anyone else had that one death that you didn't expect to trigger some introspection and possible life changes?

Fandymo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058228786/30s-40s-how-do-you-deal-with-people-your-age-dying

No one in their 80s/90s ever says on their deathbed, I wish I’d stayed in more. Life is for living, we’re here for the blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things.

You don’t have to session hard every time you are out, but you can still have a few beers and the craic once you aren’t neglecting your family life. None of us know what’s coming for us.

seamus

I mentioned this on another thread yesterday, but the deaths that hit us the hardest are the ones that we can't distance ourselves from. Heart Attack? Ah sure he was 20 stone, I'm not. Car crash? Sure I'm a great driver. Cancer? No cancer in my family. Suicide? Not my bag, I wouldn't do that.

Relatively healthy guy around the same age as me dropped dead doing the gardening? Oh...uh...I...uh...don't garden?

We would all rather not think about our impending death, and denial is the first tool in the box.

My Dad used to say that he found his 30s hardest because everyone started dying. Parents, aunts & uncles, older cousins, even peers. Better health these days has pushed that back by a few years for me, but I'm definitely starting to see what he was talking about.

My father dying was definitely the hardest to deal with for me on an existential level. It's the first time I didn't think, "That could have been me". Instead it became, "That WILL be me". There's no denying or running away from it. It's coming.

It's like we're all queueing up to be pushed off a cliff. And when you're young there are thousands of people in front of you, you can't even see the cliff, so you don't even think about it. The older you get, the shorter the queue becomes, until eventually there are only a few people in the queue in front of you and you can see and hear them as they get shoved off. And there's nowhere to go except keep moving forward in the queue to your inevitable and close turn to be shoved off.

As said above, life is for living. Plenty of time to rest when you're dead. Dwelling on the inevitable will not stop it from coming, so you may as well continue on and ignore it. You don't have to party hard. Get outside, go for hikes, learn a new skill, read a book. Even watching an enjoyable TV show. Anything at all that makes you feel good. Wallowing in dark thoughts or worrying about the future changes nothing except how much you're enjoying yourself.

Have a nice day!

Pussyhands

Guy I worked with was mid 50s. Sat at the breakfast table every morning talking about his gardening, going for walks up the mountain etc. Had healthy breakfasts and lunches in the canteen every day.

One lunchtime he collapsed at the table, died of a heart attack/stroke.

Meanwhile, others older than him were eating dirty fries for breakfast every single day for years, possible decades and having chips for lunch.

You'd wonder is it all just luck.

Pussyhands

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118498838#Comment_118498838

Well it's far easier to think of things you wish you'd done when it's too late than do things you could do in the moment.

"I wish I didn't work so much". Convert that to reality at the time and it could be "I should work harder, I need more money to buy a house"

thefallingman

the more i look at the older people in my family slowly get so old they are forgetting who they are and losing all dignity that they ever had, i'm beginning to hope i get taken out by a sudden event long before i get there. How do i deal with people dying i know, like everyone else, you just have to get on with it as they're not coming back.

Fandymo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118498957#Comment_118498957

It's in no way easier to turn down opportunities. Just do it. Anything I've been offered to try, and I wanted to try, I've done it. From climbing coconut trees and fire walking in Fiji to experimenting with whatever drugs I was interested in. It's very simple to say yes.

The Raging Bile Duct

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118499032#Comment_118499032

The worst part of it all is when they start forgetting about Dre.

The Raging Bile Duct

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118498936#Comment_118498936

The older I get, the more unhealthy food makes me feel like shít. I like the thought of having a dirty big fry but the reality is that if I had one I'd feel sluggish and crappy all day. I much prefer to have a healthy breakfast and lunch and have a bit more energy. He might have died early but his day to day quality of life sounds better to me than sitting around on your arse and stuffing your face.

Pussyhands

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118499040#Comment_118499040

What about the things you don't do?

seamus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118499111#Comment_118499111

You have to make peace with the fact that you are human and have limited time on your hands one way or another. You can't do everything, and you will never get to do everything. I don't do the whole "bucket list" thing myself because I often think people put down stuff that they think they should do rather than things that they actually want to do.

But it cannot hurt to have a think about it. In reality there are probably few enough things that one would really like to do that you could get through the list in a lifetime. There's lot to do, but that doesn't mean you need to try and do it all. It's perfectly fine to have little interest in seeing Machu Picchu or roughing it in Indonesia for six months in a meditation commune. If "things I want to do" includes stuff as simple as "learning how to make furniture out of wood" or "getting fit", then there's nothing wrong with that being on your list.

People who get to the summit of Everest end up in the dirt just as equally as people who never left their town in their lifetime. The only thing that matters is whether they enjoyed their time.

BrianD3

I'm in my mid 40s and very few of my peers have died. So far. Out of around 180 who were in first year in secondary school, I'm aware of around 5 deaths with only one as a result of "partying". Probably an understatement - he was a heavy drug user.

A lad that I was good friends with and sat beside in a lot of classes took his own life a few years ago. Even though I hadn't spoken to him in over 20 years that saddened me. Still, "it won't happen to me" because I'm not going to kill myself...well who knows.

Given that so few people my own age have died, my thoughts on death/health etc. are mainly influenced by what I've seen happen to older people aged 60+. As my parents were old when I was born, I was around a lot of older people from a young age. E.g. played golf with sixty year olds when I was 15. Almost all gone now. Remaining ones are in nursing homes/have dementia etc. Some smoked, many didn't. Most were not morbidly obese, many did plenty of exercise. Some went to the doc regularly, got screened for cancer etc. and yet woke up one morning with a pain and were dead from an inoperable metastatic cancer a few weeks later.

Some research suggests that, based on our current knowledge of epidemiology, most cancers are down to bad luck, not any controllable lifestyle factors. This is very scary for those who take comfort in the idea that they won't get lung cancer if they don't smoke or those who, as soon as they hear someone died of lung cancer, want to know if the person was a smoker or not. PS if lung cancer in never smokers were to be regarded as a cancer in its own right, it would be the 10th leading cause of cancer death in the US.

Random thought, even though I haven't read the book, I have read great reviews of a book called Do No Harm by a British neurosurgeon who was at the coalface of life and death and has many thoughts on it.

rob316

The only death that really ever upset me was when I was 19, a classmate just suddenly dropped dead playing a match. It was then I realized it's all pure luck, there was no rhyme or reason for his death, he was the perfect picture of health but it didn't matter.

Go to they gym everyday, eat clean, take your vitamins and say your prayers. Cancer can still get you or a brain hemorrhage.

Be a walk heart attack and heavy smoker and you could still outlive people your age.

My grandmother died last year 93 years old, warm in her bed. Never spent a day in hospital in her life and was fully mobile up her death. We'd all sign that contract now.

Gregor Samsa

My first experience of peer death was when I was 7. The kid that sat beside me in school, and one of my best friends at the time, died from a brain hemorrhage. That was actually the first death I ever experienced - before my grandparents died. It certainly made me realise that any of us can go at any time, and it did have a big effect on me. But it never made me think I was wasting my life if it wasn't one big party or adventure. A lot of the value in life is about the mundane, about other people and about situations you have no control over.

I don't think that that business of being on your deathbed appraising your life is a very common thing that many of us will get to experience - a lot of people die suddenly without knowing what's happening, or slowly in discomfort where all they're thinking about is their immediate situation. That admittedly pedantic note aside, if I sit here now and think about my life so far, I'm pretty happy with it what I've done, who I am and how it's turned out. But my autobiography, like most people, wouldn't be the most exciting read. It's all relative anyway. I'm sure there are guys in Fiji who, as they plummet towards the ground, think "I wish I hadn't climbed this coconut tree. Why didn't I go to college and get a better job?"

One thing that gets me more than death itself, particular at this stage in my life (late 40s) is illness. I'm getting to the point where people I know from my generation are getting cancer, having heart conditions, getting injuries that they aren't fully recovering from. It used to be "old" people this was happening to. Whatever about death - which is really only a tragedy experienced by those left behind, not for the person who has died - having a severely restricted quality of life at this age is terrifying to me. And whatever about being healthy, much of it is certainly down to dumb luck. My mother had a morbid fear of dementia. So she deliberately filled her time with as much brain activity as possible in an attempt to ward it off = constantly reading, learning, exploring. She ended up being sick for a number of months and then dying in her early 70s from a rare type of cancer that has no known environmental or lifestyle cause, which was harrowing. My father lived 10 years longer than her, physically always very fit (and a very intelligent man), but ended up with dementia for his last 2 years, which was harrowing. Another family member died very suddenly in her early 40s in a professional accident (probably better to describe it as an incident, since there was blame and culpability - not hers), it was harrowing.

It's all harrowing. But it's as much a part of the experience of "living" as anything on anyone's most adventurous bucket list.

I try not to brush death under the carpet myself. Though that is not for everyone. I read a lot about it and think a lot about it. And I am fascinated by cultural practices that make death more visible from the Irish Wake to the festivals where they dig up dead people and have beers with them :) I happily sit around reading books like "The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully." or Sam Harris did a fairly decent talk which is on you tube called "Death and Present Moment".

So I guess when a death comes out of the blue in my family or circles I feel I deal with it better than others around me. I think it was Jordan Peterson - not sure as I barely follow the guys output - who once said that you should aspire to be the person people can rely on at funerals when everyone else is falling apart. I tend to be that person.

I think its possible to "Live in/for the moment" without having to "get wrecked" all the time. There is quite a lot of things to milk the joy out of life. Some things are just easier and more accessible than others quickly - like drugs and beer - while some things take time and effort and investment. But it is not a given that milking excitement and joy out of life means you end up boring. The way I am living my life for example is not boring in the slightest and I barely touch drugs and alcohol (barely, not never). But there is not a lot of people doing many of the things I do for fun and joy.

BattleCorp1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118498936#Comment_118498936

A lot of it is genetics.

Choose your parents wisely and you'll be grand. 😀

vriesmays

Everyone in their 30 and 40s should buy a blood pressure arm monitor.

billyhead

I don't fear dying when my time comes. I have strong faith. The only fear I have for myself and loved ones is dying in pain.

The Mighty Quinn

I'm mid 30s. Recently learned of the death of somebody I know who was 37, brain aneurysm, off he went. That news put in a bit of a daze for a few days. I couldn't stop thinking about it, even though we weren't close friends, but I knew the man fairly well once upon a time.

Other than that, I don't know many my age who have died. A guy I was in secondary school with died the year we finished on Christmas Day by his own hand, even now that makes me sad.

This thread has come at a very apt time for me. My heart is beating faster reading it as it does whenever I think about death. It's becoming a big enough issue that I'm considering therapy.

It's always been a fear of mine but for the most part I was able to not think about it, push it to one side. Recent events has intensified it and it's on my mind more.

My mam died in December and it's been more difficult than I have been admitting. Seeing her in the coffin...my mind just broke or something..it was one of the worst experiences of my life and not just because my mam was gone, but because here it is in my house, a person I love dead.

I can't get my head around it at all. It terrifies me and there are times when I lie awake at night scared to sleep in case I don't wake.

I'll be 40 next month and my dread of that is linked to my fear. Yes death can come at any time and it's a privilege to grow old. That's the rational me. Emotional me just feels how each year is a year closer to nothingness.

As a child death wasn't very present. It was something that happened to old people. There were two exceptions to that and I wonder if they form part of how I am today regarding the end of life. I don't know.

Very few people are aware of this fear. There's something childish about it....I want to be stoic and mature and accepting. Yet at the same time I understand that I'm not a robot and it's ok to not be those things.

My tendency to jump ahead in to the future. At all. My life is pretty good and I am trying to make more of an effort to be mindful of each moment. It's been hard the last while is all.

There's daddy ringing me. 78 years of age. Funny thing is that I've been thinking he was 79 😄 For him it's meaningless. He will welcome his time when it comes thanks on part to strong faith and complete acceptance. He's a great man.

Quitelife

Attended two funerals in rceent times for men in their late 40s /early 50s who died from brain anerysms/strokes both were recent recruits to cocaine usage . Both would always have drank plenty but cocaine fnished them off , probably a worn down body not able for it.

vriesmays

Any of these people who've mysteriously died of strokes / aneurysms were recently on long-haul flights.

KaneToad

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118498936#Comment_118498936

It's not all just luck. It's genes and lifestyle.

There will always be outliers - a granny who reached 100 having smoked 20 major a day since she was 12, the fitness freak who drops dead at 40...etc...

We like to kid ourselves about the part lifestyle plays as we would rather not drink less, eat more healthily and sleep more.

KaneToad

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118500001#Comment_118500001

If you're worried about the "nothingness" after death...how did the "nothingness" before you were born effect you?

andekwarhola

By far the worst thing about being that age is seeing the changes in your parents.

BaywatchHQ

I know only one person my age to die, his death made the news as he was an occasional GAA player for Derry. I can still vividly remember him sitting in class back 13-14 years ago, it is strange to think about.

I don't know many people in their 40s to die in my area. My brother is 40 and none of his school mates are dead.

kaymin

I take comfort from Einstein's approach to his death - someone that knew more than most about the big picture!

April 18, 1955—Albert Einstein dies soon after a blood vessel bursts near his heart.

When asked if he wanted to undergo surgery, Einstein refused, saying, "I want to go when I want to go. It is tasteless to prolong life artificially. I have done my share; it is time to go. I will do it elegantly." After an autopsy, Einstein's body was cremated and his ashes spread in an undisclosed location.

The world mourned Einstein's death. At his request, his office and house were not turned into memorials.

Filmer Paradise

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118551780#Comment_118551780

Yeah, that can be difficult alright.

I'm 53 and my Dad is 87 now. It's only in the last couple of years that he needs a little bit of 'looking after'.

He's just getting a bit feeble now, but his mind is still there.

I was/am never that close to him really. No real reason, just the way things worked out...

Thing is, is that when he goes, there's nobody left older than me in the entire family.

My Mum, all aunts & uncles are all gone now.

Funny how it all creeps up on you without you noticing for years.

Filmer Paradise

Burt Renaults

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118500001#Comment_118500001

I'm only seeing this now. I'm very sorry for your loss. I'll also be 40 in a few weeks and it's weird because I remember my mother being this age, back in the early '90s, which only feels like a couple of years ago. And I remember being sort of upset around the time of her 40th birthday because it meant she was getting old and it served as a bleak reminder that my greatest fear would some day be realised. As it turns out, she died in her 50s, so those fears weren't entirely unfounded.

My aunt died when I was around 9. She was only in her mid-30s and it was very sudden. She went to bed one night and just didn't wake up the next day, leaving five young children behind. I wasn't close to her - probably only met her once or twice a year - but it had a profound effect on me. I was there when my mother took the phone call. I can still remember her shock, confusion and disbelief. It was the first time I ever saw her (or probably any adult) crying. I suspect that's where my fear of losing her originated.

Strumms

You just deal…as best as you can, no right or wrong way…

a friend of mine died in ‘17 he was 48 … good loooking 6’3”… athletic, super personality, kind, super guy and… fûck, you just have to… some people can better then others I suppose ..

I just enjoyed thinking of the fun nights in the pub, football trips etc…