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First Love

  • 08-01-2022 9:55pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 5


    Hi folks, I'd be embarrassed to broach this with friends as I'm a very private person so I'll shout out to the experienced and knowledgeable members of boards.

    Right, I'll get to it.

    I'm mid-thirties and have never had any love interests from women so I had resigned myself being single which I was somewhat happy with but see the comradery friends and family have.

    Anyway, I did use online apps and chatted to a few but that's as far as it went. I recently met someone online and we have clicked. Lots of messages, shared interests and she makes me laugh and have met a couple of times, where time flies literally. I have enjoyed her company. I find her extremely attractive but my lack of experience is holding me back from doing anything. The departing is just 'that was lovely, see you soon, safe home' etc. It is followed by texts. What should I do? How do I ensure that I'm not put into the friendzone when I want to move further but my lack of experience is holding me back. Should I tell her how I'm feeling? After our dates I often feel crappy as I havnt hugged/kissed her/brought her to her car. I think I'm rambling but I'd appreciate any advice. As a man, do I have to make the first move? When should I do it? Covid also makes things awkward but it would be that way anyway.


    Thanks in advance.



Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 7,366 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    She is probably waiting for you to show interest, if you’ve had a few in person dates and there’s another organised there is a level of interest on her part.

    If you’re uncertain you could start flirting over text, say something like ‘how about I kiss you some time’ but I would recommend just going for it.

    The person I’m dating didn’t kiss me after 3 dates and I had to ask him what was wrong. Turns out he was just nervous as out of the dating game for a long time - but I was sure he only wanted to be friends because of the lack of making a move.

    One thing I would say is yes it’s nice to get excited when you finally meet somebody you like, but best not get too invested too soon or put too much pressure on it, in case she’s a dating a few people as can often be the case in the online dating world.



  • Registered Users Posts: 858 ✭✭✭jolivmmx


    Hey! Best of luck! I know lots of very successful and normal people in their 30s who have never had a relationship. It seems like a bigger deal in your head. But it is actually not uncommon at all!

    You like this person! Let it happen naturally! If you are attracted to a person, then it will happen organically. Don’t overthink it. I have never critiqued a person’s technique before. And I don’t think I have been critiqued. Sensible people do not do this. If she likes you, technique will be the last thing on her mind!

    You don’t have to explain or justify yourself to her re: your past. Just tell her that you really like her and don’t just see her as a friend. And if she reciprocates, you can see where the mood takes you. That is usually a good time to move on in terms of physical affection.

    If you are spending all this time together, that is a great sign with great potential. Best of luck!!!



  • Registered Users Posts: 5 Lovestruck22


    Thanks for the response. Yeah there is interest alright otherwise there would be no dates.

    In a weird way, it's nice to know I'm not the only male with this problem. I don't have a problem discussing it with her but would be afraid of consequences. I wouldn't be big into the flirting by text.

    I won't be packing my bags, moving in and proposing just yet :)

    Thanks for the response.



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,050 ✭✭✭standardg60


    Sound's great OP, if she want's to see you again, she's interested.

    On your next date just bring up your attraction to her in conversation, nothing major, you'll soon find out her intentions, good luck!



  • Registered Users Posts: 11,138 ✭✭✭✭B.A._Baracus


    You say you're texting, right?

    Text how next time you see her you want to end the night by kissing her. Because you can't stop thinking about her, so attractive... insert your own words.

    By saying it you'll do it. If that helps.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 852 ✭✭✭radiotrickster


    I was dating someone once who whenever I tried to make a move (even trying to hug them), it was rejected. When I asked them why, they said they liked me so much they were too nervous and it was actually quite sweet.

    I’d say just talk to them,even text them if you need to, and when you’re feeling ready, do what one of the above posters said about texting that you can’t wait to kiss them.



  • Registered Users Posts: 823 ✭✭✭Liberty_Bear


    To be honest I dont think myself that such a thing as the friend zone actually exists. This concept is somehow that if we are romanitcally rejected we would automatically become friends. It feedsback into the nice guy archetype that exists (sorry just my own personal thoughts). Then again she might want to genuinely be your friend. Maybe its time to sit down and have that conversation with her. Take your time and be clear



  • Registered Users Posts: 426 ✭✭Goodigal


    It sounds like you are both interested in each other and she is not rushing you or too pushy either. That's cute! I always like when someone walks me back to my car. At that time you know the level of interest and if they want to kiss you goodbye. And I do like that moment just before a kiss happens!

    As others have said, you could drop into a text that you had wanted to kiss them goodbye on the last date, and see what their response is to that. But go at your own pace and say/do what you feel comfortable with. And best of luck with it. You sound kind and considerate and I hope it progresses.



  • Registered Users Posts: 5 Lovestruck22


    Thanks for the comments folks - they have been very helpful. Weather permitting, might go for a walk and have 'the chat'. It's less public than a restaurant and I have a week to prepare. Who knows, we could both be inexperienced? Time will tell.



  • Registered Users Posts: 3,930 ✭✭✭spaceHopper


    You are way over thing this, she likes you, you like her. Take a risk if it all goes wrong you will not regret trying but you will regret it if you don't try and things fizzle out.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 424 ✭✭joe35


    I see you met this person on a dating app. That would say to me that they were looking for something more than friends.

    A good point that about texting how you'd love to kiss them goodnight next time. Best if luck



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,704 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    Hi Op

    It is a risk vs reward scenario.

    If you tried to kiss her and she turned away, or rejected you, that is the risk. If you have a nice kiss - well thats obviously the reward. When you don't try - and play it safe then chances are she will decide you are not too interested & you lose the chance of something developing - far worse.

    Good luck.



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,279 ✭✭✭FishOnABike


    If you're going for a walk you could try walk hand in hand and if that is reciprocated a hug or kiss could be a natural step from there.



  • Registered Users Posts: 23,159 ✭✭✭✭recode the site


    You are probably both really nice people simply not wanting to risk feeling rejected should too sudden or overwhelming a physical move be made. But some move has to be attempted by one party to establish the beginning of of physical engagement.

    People differ in how they like the significant other to initiate physical contact. The least “intimidating” is a simple hand on the arm from time to time, or briefly and casually on her shoulder, say, as you swing around after returning from ordering a drink, then resume usual conversation. Or in a cold night take her hand and say light-heartedly & a bit flirtatiously “you need warming up, I’m freezing too….” Use little excuses to broach into intimacy, allowing her space and opportunity to reciprocate and physically flirt back. This should really be an extremely enjoyable time, and use a touch if humour to cover up any awkwardness. I would suggest approaching initial kiss by getting seated side by side close up, when you can get comfy gradually snuggling against each other and nudging heads together, you are then likely to find yourselves kissing. Make it brief before getting without getting overly passionate initially. Build up the intimacy over time.

    Don’t know your personal accommodation circumstances or opportunity for privacy, but an initial short weekend away in a nice hotel would be a good start to exploring fuller intimacy. You could start out by asking would she like a short break away where you might book separate rooms; that way it means you don’t have to spend the entire night literally sleeping and snoring together; yet if she seems on for exploring intimacy you can commence physical relations and it you want you can fall asleep together on it!

    Start from casual flirting brief touching to being more overtly passionate. You may find she responds and has been waiting for this.

    Only the bereft of reason would want to swap lives with me. If the envious were rewarded with a life swap they would live with life limiting disease, reducing mobility, a stoma bag & decreasing renal function. Want that lot? I didn’t think so, pull in the f00k1ng horns 🤘



  • Registered Users Posts: 5 Lovestruck22


    Hi folks, just giving everyone a positive update. We're not kissing like in the soaps but we are when we meet and depart and it really isn't that big of a deal. We are newbies to relationships so that takes the pressure off. She met my friends a few weeks ago and it was such a great night. It was great having someone watching out for you - silly stuff - walking beside you on the street, staying close etc. A randomer also came up and told me, my lady was a lovely girl and hold onto her. (He didn't need to tell me btw :) ). With all that, I walked her to the car and it just felt the right time, I asked her and she said yes - so there it is - it happened and was lovely. We're still spending lots of time together and really enjoying her company. I'm very lucky!!!



  • Registered Users Posts: 3,240 ✭✭✭StevenToast


    Good man....well done

    "Don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining." - Fletcher



  • Posts: 16 [Deleted User]


    Lovestruck2210:33 pm


    Hi folks, just giving everyone a positive update. We're not kissing like in the soaps but we are when we meet and depart and it really isn't that big of a deal. We are newbies to relationships so that takes the pressure off. She met my friends a few weeks ago and it was such a great night. It was great having someone watching out for you - silly stuff - walking beside you on the street, staying close etc. A randomer also came up and told me, my lady was a lovely girl and hold onto her. (He didn't need to tell me btw :) ). With all that, I walked her to the car and it just felt the right time, I asked her and she said yes - so there it is - it happened and was lovely. We're still spending lots of time together and really enjoying her company. I'm very lucky!!!














    this is lovely to read - well done you for having the courage! Sounds like it's all working out great, long may it continue! 😄 💘



  • Registered Users Posts: 823 ✭✭✭Liberty_Bear


    Thrilled for you mate

    Speaking with a friend tonight Ive become a cynical tramp so its nice to read someone who wears their heart on their sleeve ..best wishes with it x



  • Registered Users Posts: 426 ✭✭Goodigal


    Awh, so delighted to read your update. Keep enjoying whatever time you have together and take it at your own pace.



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