Guy tried asking my partner out

Mike1977

Ok first of all the title isn’t exactly relating to the reason I’m posting. A guy who works for a supplier to the company where my partner works recently cold texted her to ask her out on a date. My partner did tell me this a few days after, she said she was hesitant because she didn’t want me to think she encouraged this guy. I asked how did he get her number and it turns out he took it down one day when she called his office from her own mobile. I got pretty pissed about this being honest and she isn’t happy about it either, he crossed a line he shouldn’t have by using her number to personally contact her. She told him she’s in a relationship and he said he’d leave her alone. Thing is he hasn’t left her alone, yesterday he called her on her mobile from his work with a work query, even tho he knows she doesn’t work weekends. She’s in a bit of a predicament too because in effect it was work related so she has nothing to pull him on for making the call. She says she’s keeping an eye on him and also told him initially there’s a difference between work and personal contact. My partner has a very bubbly friendly personality and isn’t the type of person to snap someone when they cross lines they shouldn’t, she has to deal with this guy on a work level maybe 15/20 times a day, so I can see she has to play ball a little, but it’s obvious he has the wrong idea. I trust my partner but this guy is really irritating me.

ebbsy

He chanced it, and got turned down. IF you trust your partner, then I don't see the issue. You can't jail a guy for asking someone out (not yet anyway).

RE: the phone call at the weekend, she needs to tell him she doesn't take work calls at the weekend, and leave it at that. If it persists, then you will need to consider other options.

Have some confidence in yourself and your relationship, and enjoy your Sunday.

Suggest watch and wait and maybe keep a diary. Suspect nothing more will happen apart from work related stuff.

Do you want to live in a world where you cannot ask a presumed single colleague out? He asked once. Wait and see.

And why the anger?

Vestiapx

Modern phones have a block feature if your partner uses this they will no longer receive calls from him.

If it's her prevate number this is the best solution.

Dual Sim phones are great for having work and personal all at once and timers can Be set up to have work calls not incoming outside work hours

Mike1977

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118308478#Comment_118308478

They’re not colleagues, two separate companies that deal with each other for supplies. It’s not anger, it’s irritating that he used his work access to her personal number to cold text her, maybe I’m wrong but to me that’s totally inappropriate.

looksee

He asked her on a date, nothing really wrong with that, if a little ill-advised, he was told no, she was open about it.

He then calls once, on a weekend. Was it a really essential call about something that could not wait? If so then maybe OK.

If not, then he is being inappropriate. She needs to tell him not to ring outside work time. If he does it again just ignore the call.

Its not really crisis time yet, and she is dealing with it professionally, trust her and leave her get on with it, beyond normal supportive interest. Make a joke of it.

If the situation were reversed and a female at your work was being persistent in flirting/looking for dates would you find it helpful to have a partner getting uptight about it? There is no need for you to be involved at all. Your partner has been open about the situation, she is not interested in him but she has to deal with him. She has enough pressure without having to deal with your jealousy/irritation. Your partner needs to deal with the person by being strictly, obviously, professional, no casual chat or ambiguity. If the situation persists let her deal with it through the office, but it could easily just peter out with no more fuss.

Pawwed Rig

Slightly inappropriate alright but not excessively so. If the guy in question was posting here the advice would probably be to ask her out (on the assumption he thought she was single). The medium he used probably isn't the best but I am old and would much prefer verbal or even face to face personal relationships but messaging is normal enough.

I would just let it go tbh. She has been upfront and honest with you so it looks like you have nothing to worry about.

YellowLead

Is she worried about it herself? I see it more as her issue not yours.

He shouldn’t have texted her on her personal mobile to ask her out, but unless he does it again it’s not the worst crime.

He got her number because she used her personal mobile to phone him, so maybe he thinks it’s her work mobile. Maybe the weekend issue was urgent and he doesn’t know her working hours, it was up to her not to answer really, and she can do that going forward (unless she is contractually obliged to work additional hours when deemed necessary by the company, and if so she should request a work mobile).

knucklehead6

I’d leave it for now.

If he tries something again then it becomes something she needs to escalate in work. Let her bosses talk to his bosses. That’ll put a stop to it quick smart

It's not really your place to be irritated about it.

If your partner has issued with him calling her on her personal time, then she needs to deal with that. Him asking her out is a non issue.

Tbh, if wonder why she waited a while to tell you, maybe because she knew you would be 'irritated '?

Flinty997

Block the number. Let him call the work number.

redlipgloss

Stand back for now. She should block the number and if he challenges her on it, she should calmly and directly put him in his place. There’s no use being friendly and bubbly as people like this take advantage of that fact. He knows she has a work number yet rings her personal, he asked her out and she rejected him. He’s actually acting pretty stupid tbh.

if the blocked number is enough for him to get the message and back off, fine.

If she still has a problem, she should escalate the issue to management asap to nip it in the bud.

XsApollo

Are people ignoring the obvious , it’s not that he asked her out or whatever that’s fine, no harm.

he actually got her number without her permission , and cold text her.

now he is persisting.

if I was you I would get his number off your ex , cold call him and tell him to back off.

redlipgloss

Consider meeting your partner for lunch or after shift!

JustJoe7240

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118309075#Comment_118309075

Awful advice, She's well able to do that herself if she want's to.

That said, From her point of view i'd have issue with him taking down her personal number.And off topic, but dealing with an outsider 15-20 times a day sounds like very inefficient business

redlipgloss

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118309109#Comment_118309109

She should put him in her place herself. Stop with the bubbly shite cause it doesn’t do anyone any favours.

Do not get involved directly with him unless something absolutely CRAZY happens.

Ringing him will just 1.) show how insecure you are 2.) escalate the whole situation into a triangle drama 3.) you make your partners life even more difficult at work

However, on the peripheries, it would be no harm if you collected her someday or met her some evening/lunch just to create a presence. Not making it obvious what you are doing of course.

XsApollo

Awful advice?

she has told him she is in a relationship and he said he would stop but he won’t?

so now she is in an uncomfortable position?

the op is getting annoyed by him?

He is obviously making her feel uncomfortable.

he got her number through a means he shouldn’t have .

and has crossed the line by calling/ or texting her on weekends.

why should the OP or his partner be in anyway uncomfortable by this guy?

tell him to back off , report him to you work or his bosses

or do as I said and tell him to back off.

why should either himself or his partner be anyway discreet here, he obviously hasn’t.

Mike1977

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118309075#Comment_118309075

This is my exact problem, he took her number without consent, different if she gave it to him directly or text him directly, even if she sent a work related text. But he went into his work system to get the number.

Big Bag of Chips

Do not get in volved in this. Your gf is an adult I presume? It is up to her to deal with her work issue. Not up to you. So he took her number down when she called and then asked her out. If she liked him she'd most likely think it's cute and would have accepted. As it is she turned him down, he accepted that and didn't ask her out again.

He called her once on a work thing at the weekend. She's probably not the only person he calls. All she has to do is tell him she doesn't work weekends and then not answer any further calls. If he persists after that, then she should raise it with a manager in her job.

redlipgloss

Also,

Tell your partner to keep a log of times, dates and events. Its the one thing gardai, HR, management and solicitors look for in a harassment case.

Not being over dramatic - be sensible here.

SunnySundays

I think you are massively overreacting.

Someone asked your girlfriend out, she said no. Big deal. If you find her attractive changes are others will too.

He rang her about a work query since. Not his problem if she doesn't work weekends. She shouldn't answer it.

You come across as very insecure. I'm sure she can handle it herself. If my parent reacted like you to such a minor thing, I would find it a massive turn off.

bitofabind

Is there something about your girlfriend that makes you think she can’t handle this herself? Has she asked for your help?

Many people would call me bubbly and outgoing too. That doesn’t mean I won’t be able to assert my boundaries and tell someone to back off if they cross them. Did she tell her man she doesn’t take work calls to her personal number on the weekend? Next time she might just decide to not answer, as the most sensible way of dealing with him.

This isn’t your battle to fight and wading in is just going to undermine her and your trust in her.

JoChervil

The most important questions are:

1. Is it her work mobile?
2. If it is private, does she use it at work?

Because if she used private mobile at work out of a blue, so it might have given a guy a wrong hint. Especially when number was not in the work system and was displayed on his phone.

On the other hand 15-20 times a day dealing with a one supplier would be quite intense in my eyes. So is it justified?

Anyway, if it is causing you discomfort just turn it into a joke and play this guy down in her eyes. And show that the whole issue is just an amusement for you. The more weight you will add to the issue and him, the more important and attractive he will look in her eyes. If you shrug him off, he will more likely become a "shrugged guy" in her eyes. How we see things and people is very subjective, so you can use it in your favour.

Pawwed Rig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118309169#Comment_118309169

To be fair she used her personal phone for work purposes. I have often called back clients and saved phone details when I get a chance.

I never asked any of them out though

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118310888#Comment_118310888

Yes, and let's be honest, if men played by the strict office etiquette rules, workplace romances would never blossom.

All the best

He asked her out and she said no. If that’s the end of it - that’s the end of it. She’s capable of dealing with flirting randomers. Everyone is!

What concerns me is that you seem very angry about it and your partner was afraid to tell you it happened as she was concerned that you’d think she was encouraging it, which makes me see red flags.

If my partner said, some muppet asked them out we’d have a good laugh about it and that would be it. I certainly don’t see any context where that would create tension. I trust them and I’m not freaking out that they’re going to run off with someone else.

Maybe consider improving your communications with your partner and trusting her and be supportive but realise she’s well able to make her own judgements and fight her own battles and that you’re partners. It’s not about possession.

Look, people are all in some way self conscious. The OP obviously feels a bit threatened, or at the very least doesn't like the idea some random lad is asking his GF out. It happens, it means she is desirable. Would he prefer that his GF was so undesirable she never got a second look? Goes with the territory unfortunately.

As I said to the OP before, move on, and keep cool.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118309169#Comment_118309169

I think you are over reacting. Her number was visable on a call to him - that's how he had her number - he didn't get it from another source. He chanced his arm and asked her out, she said no and that she was in a relationship. - fair enough. He called at the weekend regarding a work matter - she may have thought this matter was not important but perhaps it was important to the business he works for - don't see anything odd here yet

If he persists in contacting her out of hours or gets too personal than you and your partner have a problem. Leave it for the moment and stop overthinking it.

RacoonQueen

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118309075#Comment_118309075

Complete overreaction, bit of a cheeky way to get her number but it's not a crime.

As others have said, she could just block his number from her personal phone so he can only contact her through work channels. He may think it is her work number, so she could just ask him to contact her only on her work number from now on as she doesn't want to take work calls on her personal phone.

Final point on this from me, who is making the big deal here, you or your partner? Because, if it is just you, then you look a bit needy, and that is a turn off. If there is something going on there (which I doubt) it will happen anyway, no matter what you do.

Good luck

XsApollo

It’s a cheeky way to get the number agreed , he hasn’t backed off after is the problem. the fact is his partner is uncomfortable, has told him off basically and will be uncomfortable going forward.

The Op is obviously annoyed enough to post here , you can say he is over reacting but the fact is he is annoyed and she is uncomfortable.

the guy went past the limit, all the suggestions here of molly coddling or being passive without actually telling him to back off is ridiculous,

block his number and then say something different to why she blocked the number, oh maybe show up someday and go for lunch with his partner to show the guy.

a quick back off and it will all be done.

the longer this goes on the harder it will be to stop it.

looksee

the longer this goes on the harder it will be to stop it.

It hasn't gone on any length though. There has been one doubtful incident after the refused date offer. Hardly stalking at this stage. Time to make a fuss if there is another incident after he has been told to not call her private phone. At the moment its mostly created drama.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311140#Comment_118311140

"Maybe show up someday and go for lunch with his partner to show the guy", yeah, that will end really well, I would think the OP's GF will have a problem with that.

We don't actually know if yourman knew she had a BF, lest still, even if he did, he asked her out, big deal. If he came onto her full scale and kept escalating in a club or something, then fair enough, confront him, but this wasn't the case. Really, this is a total mountain out of a molehill, unless, of course, if something is actually going on.

Deeec

Just a question for you guys here - how does a guy ask a girl out nowadays?

I'm a 40 year old woman and guys asking me out in work/ by phone wasn't unusual back when I was in my 20s. I feel sorry for the youth if this guy sending a text to ask a girl out was so offensive.

I fail to see how this guy has overstepped the mark and caused offence.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311202#Comment_118311202

How do they do it? They don't. They use dating apps like tinder or else stay in their room watching porn. That is basically the modern dating scene. This guy is in the minority actually taking the bull by the horns, and you can see how it annoys the snot out of most guys (who I suspect have also forgot how to ask girls out).

I think some of us are on our way to some sort of puritanical online existence.

I had lunch with a very good friend of mine from college. I am best friends with her husband and we all know each other since our teens.

We had coffee in an outdoor cafe. A weird guy I know texted me to ask “who’s your fancy woman.”

I went for a coffee with a male friend of mine and the same guy texted me “I saw you in town lost in a deep conversation with some guy.”

It’s like what am I supposed to do? Lock myself into a bedroom with a chastity belt securely fitted in case I speak to anyone?!

Also why is this guy watching me?!

In another thread, a poster asked if they should ask a girl out for the second time. It was highlighted that this is specifically against the HR policy of some multinationals (I suspect American) as it is seen as harassment.

And women will be sitting there wondering why they can't get a date. What a ridiculous world it has become. Some of my friends literally only ever use tinder, and the concept of asking someone out in person is as alien as using a phonebox.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311214#Comment_118311214

You're dead right. If this generation think tinder and others dating apps is safer than actually face to face interaction with someone you actually know than its sad times. This guy does sound brave - faint heart never won fair maiden and all that.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311256#Comment_118311256

Mod snip - removed part of post which breached Charter.

OP I think you have gotten a lot of advice here, my take would be to move on and stop overthinking it. Good luck.

Donald Trump

Op, you could always break up with your partner and get a repulsive replacement that nobody else would bother to ask out.

Mobile phones are disposable.. So are friends/neighbours etc, - (up to a point , as people move/move on in their lives)

People also have a tendency to keep their old mobile phone no's - usually for practical reasons..

Would it be impractical for your gf to change her mobile/mobile no. op..

It's modern life - any amount of ways to contact people nowadays.. Her own mobile is not for work... she has to deal with this fellah at/and for work.. he can find reasons to ring her outside office hours, possibly on a pretence, but on the face of it, those reasons are legitimate..

If I was her, I'd get a new mobile + phone no. tout suite.. everyone's situation is different though, as regards how many people/friends/acquaintances/doctors/dentists/banks etc would need to have someone's phone number; so that may be a bit of a hassle..

It's just an idea (far from original I know) , and it wouldn't be a case of "cutting off your nose,," and all that jazz ... needs must - presumably she wants to keep her job, and also keep the chap at arm's length.. A new 'dog and bone' is the way forward imo... most folk change them regularly anyway.. She can easily fob him off then - if that's his main way of making contact - , as no one's obliged to ask for, or to divulge their private numbers to work/business colleagues... It doesn't sound like this bloke is going anywhere soon, and sooner or later, something's gotta give.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311367#Comment_118311367

OMG Yeah greeatttt advice here...............maybe OP should go to the guards too and tell them what happened - this guy needs to be in jail. ( just joking - here rolling my eyes and sighing at the advice by leffesem)

Atlantic Dawn

If there's no engagement ring on her finger she's fair game.

I don't like how he got and used the mobile number though.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311408#Comment_118311408

Don't know how you think changing her mobile is "bad advice" - it sort of snookers the 'culprit' haha 😁 , and at the very least, he has a tough time of getting any more traction with op's gf.

All's fair in love and war though.. so long as it's not against the law, and him ringing her isn't, he'll keep at, until, well, he can't.... 😃

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311518#Comment_118311518

I think it's a bit early to suggest changing her phone number - that's drastic. If he persists than it is an option down the line. Right now he has done nothing to suggest he is stalker.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

@VladimirTechniks welcome to Personal Issues/Relationship Issues. I have deleted a number of your posts. This is a forum where posters seek advice on an issue that is affecting them. This forum works slightly differently to other areas of boards, in that it is not a discussion forum so when replying to threads here posters are asked to offer constructive advice to the OP in an effort to help them resolve their issue. It is then up to the OP to decide what advice is most relevant to them. Please do not suffocate a thread by picking apart the advice of every other poster.

The Charter can be found here . Please read it before posting again in PI/RI.

Thanks

HS

Thank you Hannibal, noted. Will be more careful in the future. Exiting the thread now, good luck OP.

HalfAndHalf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118309169#Comment_118309169

I’m confused. Your OP says she called him from her mobile, now you say he went into a work system of his to get her number.

One is a non-issue of how he got her number, the other is a sackable offence I’d imagine.

So which is it?

TheadoreT

I think if you fully trusted your partner here you'd have brushed this off, so maybe something to work on. Starting a thread alone means this has effected you more than it ought to have.

It's a lad trying it on, fairly normal human behaviour, his means of getting her number a little machiavellian but meh, get over it. If your girlfriend is attractive or friendly it will probably happen often enough while you're with her. If your reactions to these fairly standard relationship events are over the top you'll start to push her away. Let her deal with it and don't spiral any further.

Mike1977

Ok thanks for all the replies, I think most have missed my original reason for posting, it’s not lack of trust or insecurity as many have insinuated.

To clarify, she called his landline work number from her mobile, his colleague answered and took down her number to call her back about the query in question in the original call. This guy later pulled her number and contacted her, he even admitted this to her, she didn’t initially call him on his mobile as some here assumed he did so she didn’t voluntarily disclose her number to him. Herein lies the problem in both her eyes and my eyes, it was overstepping a line pulling her number without consent

Its a pity many here have completely missed the point of my original post and have reverted to passing comment on my own securities or insecurities.