When do you talk about going off apps when dating?

eaglach

I've landed myself in this situation so many times in the past and I never know what to do. Dating a guy, things going very well (expressed by both of us) but then discover he's still on Grindr.

I know we're not exclusive and don't expect him to be until we discuss it. It's only been 4 dates and to me that's a bit early to bring it up so there's this in between time that I don't know how to handle.

I think in a straight relationship it's a bit easier because they could be on Tinder etc. and you wouldn't really know if they're active. Ignorance is bliss kind of way. On Grindr, you can see when they're online and you can see that their profile is looking for fun etc. and it's a bit depressing if I'm honest. Knowing that the guy you're dating is actively (or potentially) hooking up with other guys while you're dating. Oh and before you say it, my friend was chatting to him on Grindr by chance and I wasn't on it myself. I delete apps once I'm keen on someone.

How do you deal with that scenario? Do you just accept that's life and ignore it? Don't know if I can mentally do that myself with the idea that someone was doing the dirty with him the night before! Or do you chat about it? Ask if they're actively seeing someone? Kind of veers into the exclusive territory though. It feels like a bit of a grey area between things going well and being a couple!

Ten of Swords

Do you know where his head is at on this? Is he just looking for fun/hookups and therefore keeping his options open with you and others, or do you think he's looking for something a little more serious?

You say ignorance is bliss (and I get that) but has this guy said he is not on apps anymore, or dodged questions about it, or has he been up front and told you he is still looking? You found out by chance it seems and 4 dates is not a lot.

eaglach

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118233481#Comment_118233481

He seems very keen on me, talking about many more dates with me. He's only recently out of a relationship so in the back of my mind I thought he might still want some hook-ups (which he's not getting from me!). I think he ultimately wants something serious.

He hasn't said he's not on the apps anymore, and I'm afraid to ask in case he says he's not. I've been in that situation before where a guy I was dating blatantly lied about being on Grindr, even though I saw him with my own eyes!

Four dates is not a lot, that's for sure. That's why I'm wondering if it's way to early even to mention it and just let him do his own thing, as bad as it makes me feel?

matt.v

People from attachments at different rates, so you're better off letting the situation play out itself. As you said four dates isn't a whole lot of time to get to know each other, and definitely too soon to be making any verbal commitments to each other.

I'm a big believer in you'll know when you know, and if he starts feeling the same way about you he'll get off the apps too. After a while it becomes obvious where your commitments are.

eaglach

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118252035#Comment_118252035

That's true. Unfortunately I'm torturing myself when I see he's on the apps then goes silent on messages in the evening for no reason. My overthinking mind just assumes he's off on another date or hooking up. I'm always thinking the worst!

Ten of Swords

Sounds like you're very much into him, the advice above is good - let it play itself out, avoid clingy or needy.

Hope it works out for you :)

eaglach

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118260868#Comment_118260868

Thanks! Unfortunately it's likely he's actively dating other guys at the same time as me. Updating Grindr profile, cancelling dates and then going AWOL for hours on end (even on the apps) at the same time as our date was supposed to be!

At this stage I'm struggling to find anyone half decent to date and this guy seems to tick all the boxes. Would non-exclusive dating be a deal-breaker? I could ask the relationship forum, but I figure gay guys have a different perspective on things.

AllForIt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118274512#Comment_118274512

You are talking like he's your boyfriend and he's cheating on you, which isn't exactly the case is it.

I suggest you ditch dating apps, stop spying on him, stop gossiping with your friends about him, and see how it goes until such point you know what way it's going.

You'd never know how these things play out. I've had 2 serious relationships in my life, and they both started off quite casual.

eaglach

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118276918#Comment_118276918

Yeah you're right, but I'm kind of old fashioned and think that if you're dating someone it should just be the one person. I don't like the modern dating scene where anything goes until you have "the chat".

I had actually deleted all the apps when I started seeing him, but then went back on for a nose and saw him on it. It's hard not to "spy" on him as you call it. It's not good for the mental health when you see him online looking for fun. Better off not knowing.

Is it the norm in the gay scene to still be out having fun when you're dating someone but not official? Most of my friends are straight and when I ask them they think it's bad form for that to be going on and to dump him instantly, but I think maybe the same dating rules in the straight world apply here!

matt.v

Quite frankly, you've been on a handful of dates with this guy and been flaked on as many times - slow your roll. An old fashioned approach is fine, but others don't necessarily share those values.

In my book, "dating" is reserved for someone you are romantically involved with. That doesn't necessarily mean an explicit conversation, more so a set of behaviours showing that you two are equally invested in each other. I would not describe him as a guy you're dating or even a guy you've gone on a few dates with, but someone you've met a couple times. The surest way to upset yourself is to expect anything from anyone, if you like him make it known and ask him out for one last time. If he doesn't make it then you have your answer, if he does then keep the momentum going without expectations. Expectations of a relationship ruin the chances of a friendship, among other things. You need to get to know him as an individual before all else.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058220097/when-do-you-talk-about-going-off-apps-when-dating

Unfortunately I dont think there is a one size fits all answer. From experience its implied you are not exclusive till you say otherwise. When I am dating men, I am up front and say it's open till we agree otherwise and I am quite happy to have the conversation so they know communication is open and Im open to discussing it. Maybe as the other posters have said go along with it for the mean time and enjoy the company of other men as you choose. Time frame wise I would envisage after say two months that its perfectly fine to ask someone "lets have a chat about where this is going, let me know your thoughts...". I find a lot of men I date (and I include myself) find committment a thorny topic as I want to be more than sure.

best wishes with it

Frostynight

Absolutely none of the straight couples I know, long-term relationships or married slept with a variety of people alongside their current partners as they've told me. But, in the gay world, this is normal and if you're not comfortable with it, you're 'old-fashioned' and clingy.

If I'm dating a lad, I will not use any other apps. I just don't want to. I also think it spoils anything positive I feel for the person I'm dating. But now I find this is all incorrect? You're supposed to be cool with the notion that a lad you like and are seeing is getting the ride on the regular. OK. This is not for everyone.

OP, whatever happens, I hope it works out well for you. :)

Liberty_Bear

HI mate

I would say it depends on the couple. Ive come off them after three dates with one guy , with another guy I was just hedging my bets but they knew up front what it was I was doing as I was bluntly honest. If they didnt like it then they could go...