Guy I was seeing dropped me to get back with his ex

I was dating this guy and things were going well. We had been on 2 dates and had made plans to do nice things together over Christmas. He even suggested a trip away together.

Then one day he stopped messaging me. I had been isolating due to covid and hadn’t seen him in a while. He then text me and told me he had bumped into an ex on a night out and they spent the day together the next day and decided to get back together.

It really really stung and I’ve taken it badly, wondering if I just wasn’t enough. He said at the start that he had broken up with his ex but wanted to get back together but she didn’t want to, so I’m wondering now if she was on the scene the whole time. I know it was only 2 dates but it still hurts and I don’t know, I guess I’d appreciate some kind words. Thank you.

ZigZags

OP, He told you right upfront he wanted to get back with his ex.

You clearly ignored that massive red flag and made up your own narrative.

Furthermore, a stranger who wants to take a trip away with you and you’ve met twice? And to do nice things over Xmas? Any red flags peeping out at you here OP?

People who are single and open to developing a relationship with someone do not tell them they want to go from 0 to 100 with someone they just met and then drop in the fun fact that “but if my ex is available, I’m going back to them”. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and wake up!

He was wrong to ever get involved with you but you’re worse for going along and letting yourself get carried away emotionally and then being shocked he actually got back with the “ex” when he actually TOLD you what he wanted to do - literally told you his intentions!

It’s nothing to do with you or what you have to offer, you were clearly caught up in the middle of whatever was going on between them. HOWEVER, you showed absolutely no respect for yourself and allowed someone into your life and take up your precious time after they told you they had every intention of getting back with their ex? Are you a doormat? That, in itself, is unattractive and not to mention, silly.

Perhaps develop stronger standards and boundaries for dating. Don’t accept dates from men who tell you they are literally still in love with someone else and want to get back with them the first opportunity.

Why would you go along with that? What did you say, “oh that’s fine”. Have some self respect!

If someone told me that, Id them to “f*ck off”.

You're viewing this situation entirely the wrong way around.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and playing the victim.

Learn from it and move on.

SoapMcTavish

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118219147#Comment_118219147

Are you the ex ?

Hannibal_Smith

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HS

notAMember

Oh that sucks. It always hurts to be rejected , whatever the reason.

It seems like he was also hurt from his previous relationship, and jumped after the chance of getting that back.

It’s hard not to take it to heart, but try not to let it dent your confidence too much. This was clearly him, not you.

irelandrover

There was nothing you could do. He was still clearly in love with his Ex. He had made this clear at the start.

Rushing into nights away was clearly just him trying to get over her by jumping in too quick to a new relationship. Be happy that this happened after 2 dates and not after 6 months.

Idle Passerby

The writing was on the wall when he bluntly told you he'd prefer to be with someone else. You were a distraction til he was either over the ex or in this case reconnected with them.

You only had two dates, he filled your head with ideas that it was going somewhere but it was only him trying to replace the breakup emotions with something positive, it meant nothing substantial.

He'll be back in touch if/when the relationship falls apart again but hopefully next time you'll know he's only looking for a band-aid and that could be anyone.

manonboard

Hey OP, Sorry to hear about your hurt.

There was a massive warning to you about his intentions. I strong suggest you take a cold hard look at your decision making process from this example. There is absolutely no way you should of engaged any further when someone tells you they want to get back with their ex. Never. Ever. That is massive. Its a gaint warning that you are not what they are looking for and you are something they are going to use while they are hoping the ex changes their mind.

Why did you think this situation was good enough for you? That's a very serious question. This is far below acceptable standards, so why are you even contemplating this situation as being something you wanted? This is far less than you deserve, so you must uphold standards for yourself that see something like this, and drop it 5 seconds later.

You have to value your time and your life. Its not a very long one we have. Don't be wasting it. Hurt takes time to heal so its way more than 2 dates you have to spend. You will have to spend a couple of months now healing that damage.

On the part that you believed you would go on a trip together? Thats kinda delusional to even believe something like that on date 2. Theres alot of writing on the wall that you might have low self esteem and be willing to accept some fantasy to escape that. I know thats a bit of arm chair psychology, but believing that people are anything but just regular people like the ones you already know, is fantasy. People are cool, but they are super messy so its up to you find ones that are less messy and super healthy for you. Dont believe in silly fantasies and being whisked off your feet. Meet someone real. Someone who treats you with respect. That has you as a priority but not the center of their world, especially anywhere near the start. When you meet someone who makes you the number 1 quickly, its a massive red flag they dont value what they already have which means they have not much good stuff going for them in their life.

You deserve to meet a reasonable man, who treats himself well and gets into relationships when he has capacity to take it seriously. This guy offered you nothing of value, and it was just an illusion.

Jequ0n

I won’t lie, OP. I first thought this was a wind up thread until I looked at your older threads which all centre on insecurity on some level. You’ll do yourself a favour if you address this.

This man literally told you that you were his backup plan in case he can’t get his ex back. You were ok with this it seems, at least until the inevitable happened and you were dropped.

The other question is why you (once again?) got way too emotionally fixated on a person you barely knew.

Seriously, if you don’t address your self worth experiences like this will erode your self esteem more and more.

ZigZags

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118219347#Comment_118219347

I thought it was a wind up too

Sounds like desperation tbh.

OP, you need to build up some boundaries and develop some self esteem.

Tbh, someone who actually had the neck to say that to someone on a date - I wouldn’t believe a word that came out of their mouth.

Why you nodded along and said oh that’s fine, is beyond me. Either you are a teenager or extremely naive. He literally told you he was hung up on someone else and wanted them back. Please think about that and why you accepted that?

Work on yourself. Get off the dating apps and focus on yourself.

Going by your previous post about the hinge fella, you’re willing to accept anything so long as you have a BF. That’s not ok and it never works.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058219628/guy-i-was-seeing-dropped-me-to-get-back-with-his-ex

"It really really stung and I’ve taken it badly, wondering if I just wasn’t enough".

Well yes - you were not "enough" to make him want to give up on the hope of getting back with his ex. That is clear.

That might sound harsh but the fact is most of us will not be "enough" for most people most of the time.

This is not something we should take to heart. But simply as a fact of life like water is wet.

The point of dating is to find that person you are enough for. Not to take it to heart when we meet one of the many people for whom we are not enough. If you are not right for someone - that is because of them not you. And you not being right for someone or "enough" for someone does not mean there is anything wrong with you at all.

Self esteem does not mean you think you are amazing or better than anyone else. It is realising you are not better or worse than anyone else - and you are not a perfect fit for most people most of the time. In life we find the friends or romantic partners for whom we are enough - and realise that the majority not wanting to be part of our lives in that way says nothing at all about our self worth - or our value.

When two jig saw pieces do not fit together do you think there is something "wrong" with one or both of the pieces? Or do you realise that those two pieces do not have what it takes to fit together and they need to go try somewhere else.

jmlad2020

Remember when you turned down that nice guy because you had a better option available? Yeah? You've done exactly what this guy has done before only now it's hitting home because it's affecting your ego.

Welcome to the cycle of life darling. Isn't it grand?

In fairness he was fairly honest with you. It was only two dates. I’d wish him the best and hope it works out for him.

Big Bag of Chips

You got far too invested, far too quickly. You'd met him twice. He told you he wanted to get back with his ex. I don't actually think he did anything that wrong. You just had different expectations. He was recently out of a relationship that he didn't want to end and was meeting others as a bit of a distraction/something to do (and was very upfront about it). You on the other hand were looking to the future. Don't look to the future after 1 or even 2 dates. Him suggesting something around Christmas was the equivalent of bumping into someone on the street and saying "we really should meet up for lunch someday". It was unlikely to happen. Especially considering he told you he wanted to her back with his ex.

You seem to invest a lot very early. Try to change how you see these dates. They are a night out. Something to do. Meeting someone new. The way dating goes these days it is very very unlikely to lead to anything longterm or established. So go out with zero expectation of anything other than a night out. If something develops from it it's a bonus. If nothing develops then you won't feel so stung.

gmisk

You had two dates...move on

bitofabind

Does "not feeling enough" feel familiar OP? I haven't read your other posts, but judging by this thread, it seems to. You'll meet 450 other totally unavailable / likely-to-feck-you-over men like this until you address that elephant in the room. It's a built-in narrative that you'll go out of your way to prove to yourself over and over again, ad nauseum. Trust me, this is why forums like this exist. My suggestion. Look inward this time, examine your own dating patterns, why you try to win over unavailable men, why you accept less than acceptable behaviour, why you always give your power away. Do that instead of trying to solve the short-term pain of feeling insecure and unworthy by railroading into another dysfunctional dating scenario. Self-reflection and self-compassion instead of scrambling into the familiar all over again.That's how positive change happens.

He probably always had feelings for his ex, and they probably were intimate that day. I am sorry. But it may indicate a level of weakness on his part and I would think you got lucky.

Move on, move upwards.

Donald Trump

As you kind of allude to yourself OP, the "ex" might not have known she was his "ex" at the time of your two dates.

redlipgloss

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118308635#Comment_118308635

Exactly my thoughts. I’ve come across behaviour like this before. Fella pisses off his GF - she’s distant, busy, he thinks they are on the brink of break up so he drafts in a sub or two for a date. When the GF comes round or he’s back in the good books or he finds out she wasn’t thinking of breaking up at all and rather there was something else up, the BF runs back to resume the relationship and kicks his date to the side after an ego boost. Don’t be fooled. Very common on the dating apps

B.A._Baracus

Live and learn op. As said above he mentioning how he wanted to get back was a flag. You know yourself, when two people first have a date you don't mention your ex. You might mention you're single 6 months and was with a person for 2 years but that's it.

Fair enough he got back with his ex. But he dropped you there. If he tries to text you again, if his relationship doesn't work out, ignore him. I believe if he didn't get back with his ex he would be using you to become whole again. That's not nice isn't it.

To tell you a story I had something kind of similar happen to me once. This was many years ago before I met my current partner. But I went out of a date with a woman and we grabbed a coffee. She spent vast majority of the time talking about her recent ex. Clearly wasn't over him. I knew right then and there as she was talking this wouldn't go anywhere. But being young and not following my own advice I sent her a text the next day asking for another date. She says no, there was no chemistry. How could there be? She spent the whole time talking about some other bloke. So I realised I wasted my time on this long bus journey half way over Dublin to be a counsellor for some stranger. Didn't even have the courtesy to say thanks for listening or sorry for bending the ear off you.

yourdeadwright

Ok to be harsh firstly , If a Man or Women goes on a few dates , then that Man or Women decided to go out with someone else , You have to accept it and get on with your life its that simple ,

To be nice ,your not the first person this has happened to you won't be the last, it doesn't mean you are not enough it means the person preferred someone else for what could be any number of reason's

Don't doubt yourself , remember the fun you had & be thankful it happened & if there are anything its thought you for future relationship don't forget them lesson's ,