Need advice please - the only one giving to the relationship

AliasGrace

Hi all. I’m with my OH nearly 10months. Problem is, I feel the relationship is very one sided and has been a struggle for me as I’ve carried it for a long time now, trying to make the best of everything or being “understanding”. I love them, treat them like I do - I give and give, make efforts and make plans, brought them into my life, give and give in the bedroom, been an open book, treat/surprised them even though I make less than half of what they make.

My OH only likes me and does the opposite of everything I’ve said above. If I ever address an issue or question something, I’m upsetting them or they laugh it off and downplay it when my point is actually a valid one so I find it hard to talk to them about concerns. I’ve done my best to be patient. I’ve held my tongue and given the benefit of the doubt. Too many times. I feel foolish, cried my eyes out last night as I realised there was no way this person could love me. I’ve been fully committed whereas I couldn’t be 100% confident about their commitment if I’m being honest.

They can be so affectionate and say lovely things but it doesn’t translate in the action and I don’t “feel” as if they love me or are sure of me or somedays, I just feel like I’m being used as someone to essentially go around with. 

I want to build with and make plans with someone who treats me well and has an interest in our relationship.

Is it possible that some people can be so clueless that they think the relationship will maintain itself?

Should I just cut my losses and walk?

Big Bag of Chips

You sound helpless. Like you think you have no choice. You have a choice. You are very unhappy in a relationship. The relationship doesn't show any signs of improving. He's not the only fella in the world.

You've given it a good chance. It's not improving. Walk away and find someone who is more like the person you want this fella to be. Hoping somebody will fundamentally change the person they are rarely works out.

You've given everything. You don't owe him anything else. What's stopping you from breaking up with him? Why do you think it's an option you've not yet taken.

HalloweenJack

Yes. 10 months is enough to get a feel for a relationship and settle into a pattern. If your partner treats you like this and you're still hanging around, they have no reason to change. They get everything and have to give nothing in return. You are the one who is changeing your behaviour to keep the relationship alive when it's your partner who's behaviour is the one causing problems. That's only ever going to get worse.

AliasGrace

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118164061#Comment_118164061

Honestly, I feel I could be overthinking too but there’s been too many things, too many “don’t care” moments. I am in love and wish things would improve but things haven’t and they are oblivious or pretending to be anyway.

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058217872/need-advice-please-the-only-one-giving-to-the-relationship

Don’t settle for the sake of settling

Big Bag of Chips

What are you in love with?

The person he is right now? Or the person you hope he will become... Someday?

If you are in love with him, truly, then you'd accept his faults and be happy to continue a relationship despite them. But you're not happy. You don't like the person he fundamentally is in your relationship. He might be a nice lad, in general. He might make a good friend, but that doesn't mean you have to hitch yourself to his wagon and stay for ever more as his partner.

Are you fooling yourself into thinking you need to be in love with him, or you are convincing yourself that if you love him hard enough that the relationship will be reciprocated and he'll (one day) give everything that you've given?

Honestly, it's unlikely to happen.

JoChervil

Just set up your boundaries and do the same as they do (meaning as little as they do). Not more. Just let them experience how it feels being treated that way. It might be a slight chance that they have no chance for giving because you are giving all the time. If you stop giving, you will see, where you stand. You might be dumped at that very moment as no longer useful person but I would prefer this and move on with no doubts or guilt attached.

Shao Kahn

Some people don't actually have a lot to give.

We can assume sometimes, that someone has more inside themselves to give to another person. But it's not always the case.

It's like saddling up a donkey, and expecting it to win the grand national. Some horses just aren't built for the task. Sounds like you're trying to turn a donkey into a thoroughbred. Your OH might be perfectly happy being a donkey for the rest of their life. (nothing against donkey's btw)

xeresod

Absolutely cut your losses and run, don't walk, away.

The start of a relationship is when everything is rosy so if this is what it's like now it will only get worse, not better.

And I know we can't judge based on a single post, but you come across as low in confidence and self-esteem and likely to run back to him if he shows you the slightest shred of affection after you dump him....be strong and hold your ground and cut him out of your life completely so you don't waste any more time on this loser who is only using you for what he can get...go find someone who deserves you and loves you for your whole self not just what you give.

TheadoreT

Sounds like they're just not into you and the more cold they treat you the more obsessional you become for their validation, be it from planning/affection or whatever. I'd imagine the rare time you do get that from them the dopamine hit is so strong that you mistake this as being deeply in love. You need to realise this for what it is. You're chasing something unobtainable and you'll be miserable 99% of the time.

This only gets worse too as the more needy you become the less respect that person will have and it will only snowball into worse and worse treatment, because you're allowing it.

Respect yourself and walk . Your gut is screaming at you, listen to it.

LapsypaCork

Agree with the above, you’ll also end up hating yourself too for staying in a one sided relationship. Be strong for yourself and make a clean break, he won’t change at this stage. Make a plan, stick to it and spoil yourself over Christmas.

AliasGrace

Thank you for the replies. On one hand, I know I should walk away but on the other, we had great times and clicked. But his behaviour is now upsetting me and wearing me down. I was confident at the start before and when we met but it’s been eroded in the last few months and I feel insecure. Stupid but I have so much going for me and it just feels as if it’s not good enough. It’s as if he expects a very high standard of me but he is completely lazy in his approach and not up to my level but expects me to be up there - if that makes any sense??

JoChervil

OP, if you are not strong enough to fight your corner and if he is putting you down, it's time to go.

TheadoreT

Why would he change? He's making zero effort and you're doing everything in the bedroom to impress him, you're planning everything and buying him things and paying for more despite him earning way more. He has you in the palm of his hands and knows the dynamic that insecure women will always hang around when you treat them like this. He's far from clueless, he's playing you perfectly from his perspective. And probably has others on the go at the same time.

AliasGrace

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118166633#Comment_118166633

Just to clarify, I don’t pay his way. I will do nice things, pick up things (being thoughtful and romantic) or make them and give them to him. He does pay for food when we are out and that.. but never surprises me or romances me with a surprise or gift (nothing ridiculous or expensive but more something with thought behind it). You know - like when you see something and think “so and so would love this” and picks it up (to be thoughtful).

i plan/book most things. I could count on one hand the things he has planned compared to me and it’s draining now.

AliasGrace

I do suspect due to the lack of enthusiasm in the bedroom that he may be seeing someone or others.

theres too many issues. It’s not like there’s one thing that’s a let down and he overcompensates in another department. It’s all a piss poor effort across the board!

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118165911#Comment_118165911

Chances are if he is set in his way he is going to not change. I also worry about the behavour that if you question something then its laughed or seen as upsetting, that to me is gas lighting (not that it definitely is but it is how I would percieve it). As others have said dont settle for second best in any way shape or form, trust your gut

Goodigal

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118166857#Comment_118166857

Maybe even sharing what you did here has made you see that he's not the guy for you. You sound like a very thoughtful person, him not so much. It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to say goodbye to him now. You're losing yourself for nothing in return. You deserve better. Go find him!

AliasGrace

In the last few days I’ve been second guessing myself and rationalising certain scenarios….. maybe he acted this way because he was tired or something else…but it only gets me so far. There are too many things. It’s silly but after everything, I wonder why wouldn’t he love me too…I did everything I could and brought a lot to the table and it’s just not good enough.

His efforts are lazy and he’s also quite secretive and has been caught out in lies about certain things and has been contradicted.

I just feel like an idiot for sharing giving my time, heart and body with someone who isn’t bothered.

Splish Splash

Don't feel like an idiot. You were honest and giving, true to yourself. Why you feel the need to try so hard is for you to think about. He is not the same as you. He is being true to himself - if he's not a giver and a do-er now then he never will be. It's unfair to expect him to be something he is not. Would you prefer he pretend to be everything you want? So, it's a mismatch, not going to change.

Aside from all that, you suspect he is seeing other people. That tells you you both are on different pages when it comes to your relationship. It sounds more like you both are in different bookshops in antipodean towns. You sound like you are looking for Mr Right, ready to settle down, he sounds like he's having fun (his idea of fun).

I think you should cut your losses and walk away.

TheadoreT

Are you a people pleaser in general in life or is it the absence of mutual effort in this relationship that has you chasing it so hard? Have you given as much to a previous relationship/s where a guy was perhaps very keen to impress?

You need to identify what exactly it is that's making you go above and beyond with someone treating you like a doormat. A simple "love" isn't good enough when it's comprising all your self respect and self worth and not on display from the other person. That's toxic obsession not love.

Neyite

Don't feel like an idiot - you gave someone who's inherently selfish a shot at having an amazing partner. Not your fault he was too thick to recognise he was punching well about his weight there!

Look, 10 months in should be blissful. Instead its not and it never gets any better so it's best you call it a day. One lesson in life that took me far too long to recognise is that a relationship requires two people to maintain it. One person just can't keep it going on their own. He was leaving it all to you and that just doesn't work.

You should be with someone who makes you happy. Someone who makes you feel loved and appreciated. It doesn't have to be grand gestures, it can be in the smallest of things that show you are in their thoughts and that they care about you.

AliasGrace

Yeah. The last 2-3 months have me exhausted and pissed off.

I was happy. But lately… I don’t feel happy.

notAMember

Neyite is right, you should feel loved by a partner. It doesn't take money, being spoilt, or good looks, or fake charm, it just takes some basic respect on their part to treat you as a person.

You've mentioned plans, surprises, spending money even though he makes more.

Now, to give the fella half a chance, how he expresses love may not be recognisable if you are generous and your expectation is similar. Or could be a money or debt problem that he is insecure about. Has he done anything small like Neyite mentions above. Examples that don't cost a penny are something like making you a cup of tea or a cup of coffee? The odd hug or holding hands. A compliment. Talking to you about his past or how he sees the future. Has he done anything like suggested a walk, or watch something together on the tv that he is excited about?

If none of that is there, even a hint of it, then you can safely conclude you are an ornament , and not a human to him. Ditch.