Dating someone just out of a relationship

eaglach

I'm a guy in my mid thirties and I recently went on a date with someone I met off Tinder. I thought it went very well as the conversation flowed, there were laughs and he seemed to be really enjoying himself. Probably the best first date I've had in a few years. He was also keen to arrange a second date, which is great.

The only thing that's in the back of my mind is that he's only recently out of a long term relationship. He was dating someone for two years and only broke up a few weeks ago! He said it was an amicable end and didn't really make a big deal of it. What caught me off guard was that I was his first date since being back on the dating scene.

A part of me wonders if he's on the rebound and that it ends up being a fling or something. I'm not after the one night stand type thing and would be long term relationship orientated. I know it's only been one date but I just don't want to waste my time if it's not going to go anywhere.

Is the only thing to do is ask him what he's looking for? I'm pretty sure he'll say dates and see how it goes but I'd be interested to hear what anyone else's experiences were in this situation as what someone says and what actually plays out can be very different! Does dating someone fresh from a breakup ever end well?

Princess Calla

I think you just have to take a chance.

Try not to get too emotionally invested.

Everyone will have their own lil anecdotes of how a similar situation worked out or didn't.

Big Bag of Chips

I know it's only been one date but I just don't want to waste my time if it's not going to go anywhere.

You have no idea meeting anyone whether or not it's going to go anywhere. It's a chance you take. And many of your relationships, dates, encounters won't go anywhere. Until you meet the one that does.

I think you are WAY over thinking this. You are putting far too much pressure on yourself, and people you meet, to immediately fall into a relationship that's 'going somewhere'. The only way you'll ever know is by continuing to meet him and see if it develops. He broke up with someone and is dating again now. Seems perfectly normal to me. You've been on 1 date and you now want to ask him where he sees this going, what he wants. I always think its a strange thing to ask someone. Someone might be looking for a longterm relationship but that doesn't mean they'll have that with you. Or someone might be looking for something casual and end up smitten and beginning a longterm relationship. It's one of those things you never know until it happens.

I think you need to cool down and just enjoy spending time with a nice fella.

Does dating someone fresh from a breakup ever end well?

Often it does.

And often it doesn't!

veil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058217638/dating-someone-just-out-of-a-relationship

Yes and no, so it depends on the party involve, if you are ready to burn time and see how it goes, then no issue, asking him outrightly might be a good option if only he will say the ultimate truth and perhaps I thought the apps allows you to State what you looking for, just check his/her profile to see; don't catch feelings yet.

eaglach

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118156518#Comment_118156518

I don't believe I'm over thinking it. It's just something that popped into my head! It's just the process of dating. Someone tells you something about themselves then you consciously or subconsciously decide whether it's a good or bad thing.

On the whole asking what they're looking for, I've found that it's a question that I get asked all the time. Maybe it's a gay thing?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118156528#Comment_118156528

It doesn't say on his profile, but I guess it doesn't really matter what he says as he may not be telling the truth for all I know!

I know everyone will have different experiences, but I think mostly what I'm wondering is if anyone has been in that situation and how did it turn out?

veil

Just to be clear, you "he" and he is "he" cause I don't know what pronoun to use

blue note

I came out of an 8 year relationship and went on my first tinder date 5 months later. To be honest, I wasn't thinking about another serious relationship. She seemed nice so I just thought I'd go on a date and see how it goes. Since then we've bought a house, gotten married and had a kid.

So I wouldn't rule him out because he's out of a relationship. If you like him, see how it goes.

Big Bag of Chips

My friend left a 20 year relationship with an alcohol cocaine addict. She certainly wasn't looking for another relationship. Within 3 months of leaving him she has met someone else. 6 years later they have a baby and a home together.

It's an impossible question to answer. What will work out is if two people meet, really like each other and decide to give it a go. It won't work out if those things don't happen. Whether the person has recently broken up with someone or has been single for 3 years isn't really the defining condition.

89897

I think its more about the person than the timing. If its right it'll work out and become something long term, if its not then it wont regardless if hes 5 weeks, months or years out of a relationship.

When I started dating after a previous relationship I wasn't looking for something in particular and on my first date we hit it off and I now couldn't imagine being without him. Its the healthiest happiest relationship I've ever been in. Once it got to the point of 'this is serious' we then spoke about futures and what we wanted and it gelled and worked.

I couldn't say I wanted the same things in previous relationships simply because they weren't him.

eaglach

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118156634#Comment_118156634

Yes!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118156783#Comment_118156783

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118156870#Comment_118156870

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118156899#Comment_118156899

Good to hear these stories. I just thought that when someone gets out of a relationship that they might have a different view on dating and things might work out differently if you met say a couple of months later. I guess what I'm reading is that if you're a match, you're a match and it doesn't matter how long they're out of a relationship.

The fact that the lad isn't curled up on the floor in the fetal position, clutching an old t-shirt that used to belong to his partner and is instead looking to move on would be a fairly good sign to me. Hope it works out for ya.

JoChervil

OP, you said you were looking for long term. Yet you didn't say a word about your situation. From your first post I understood that in last few years you were dating many people, so not a long term. So for how long are you dating other people then? I hope it is not your habit to find something wrong in your every first date?

TheadoreT

I think you'd be naive not to be a little wary. You're protecting your own feelings at the end of the day. But don't let that hold you back from continuing to get to know him and judging it on actual facts instead of conjecture, if you like him of course.

I know I've had delayed grief in the past, where I was mad to go on dating binges after a break up but then be hit by sadness stage and not want to date for a few months after. So that's possible here.

But he may have been emotionally over his last relationship long before the actual spilt so could be grand to move on.

Judge him on his actions, like you would with anyone else.

ShaShaBear

Op my last ex dumped me unceremoniously after a year of dating and less than two weeks after he said to me during dinner in my apartment that we should just "up to Vegas and get married" on March 17th of 2012. I went on my first date on April 11th with a man I'd been friends with for years and years. We're together over a decade, recently celebrated our 5-year wedding anniversary and our third child turned 1 last month! It took me precisely nothing to get over him once I gave the right person a chance, but that's exactly what it had to take - a chance. Had I turned the date down, my husband was working on moving over to Florida with family permanently and who knows where I would be now?

Just because a relationship was recently over, doesn't mean you can't look to meet new potential partners either to have some fun, make some friends or something more!

eaglach

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118158026#Comment_118158026

I may be partly guilty of that. Although I think it's more so that there's no instant spark or much of an attraction at all. I do give every date a chance, but sometimes you just know there's nothing there.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118158518#Comment_118158518

Nice to hear from that perspective.

So since my last post we've been on another couple of dates and I have to say it's going really well! He seems to be very into me and for me, it's the most successful few dates I've had in years.

He did open up a small bit about his last relationship (I didn't prompt him). Said that it felt toxic and he wasn't himself when he was with his ex. Also said there was no bad blood between them and it ended amicably.

I don't know if any of that is relevant at all, but said I'd mention it here anyway. I'm going to just try and not overthink things and enjoy each date as it comes.

HotMama89

I met my partner 6 weeks after coming out of a 10 year relationship. I certainly wasn't looking for another relationship we just got on really well. We kept going on dates without trying to define it, we just enjoyed each others company. It was only months later we had the is this a relationship talk. Were together 5 years now and it's the best and happiest relationship I've ever had so just go with the flow and it may or may not work out.

partyguinness

No need to over analysis it. Just go with the flow.

trish65

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058217638/dating-someone-just-out-of-a-relationship

Only time can tell but hope he is not using you to get over his last relationship or is he into just casual dating? For me personally I would not jump into dating right after coming out of a long term. Those days are gone as I’m married dating can be exhausting

Big Bag of Chips

@trish65 you have posted in a number of threads this morning that are a couple of months old.

This potentially means that the issue has already been resolved and your advice is reduntant. Please check the dates, and the last few posts of a thread before commenting. Otherwise you are resurrecting threads and offering advice that may no longer be relevant.

Thanks.