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Guy I’m dating rejects my sexual advances and never initiates

  • 02-11-2021 5:56am
    Registered Users Posts: 19 kit2021

    I’ve been dating a guy for almost 2 months now. I’m 33 and he’s 37. We usually spend weekends together and talk on the phone every day. He always tells me how pretty I am and that he’s very happy to be with me. He hadn’t been on a date in over a year before he met me he said he’s very picky.

    My love language is affection, him not so much but that’s ok. We have had sex and he tells me he really enjoys it with me, it’s amazing etc. I’m pretty much always the one to initiate and the last three times he’s too tired / doesn’t have the energy. He described himself as having a high sex drive and he told me he masturbates regularly so I don’t understand, he will stay up late and watch tv rather than come to bed with me and at the weekend I felt so bad about myself I went to bed and cried while he stayed up late. There has also been an issue with bed wetting - 3 times since we started dating - he said it’s alcohol related, can be after like 2 glasses of wine and a gin and tonic. I’ve been non judgemental and tried to not make him feel embarrassed but I have expressed concern. After the weekend I could barely talk to him as I felt so low and he definitely knows I’m upset, he didn’t call last night like he usually does so I’m going to speak to him tonight. I’m not really sure what to say yet. I’ve told him he can talk to me about anything but I think it’s a good idea to get help incase it’s a medical problem (bed wetting) I also suspect he might be depressed although he says he’s not, I know he has difficulty sleeping and can be withdrawn at times.

    My previous relationship left my self esteem in tatters so this is affecting me badly when I feel rejected.

    It’s still early days but he talks about wanting a future with me and I feel the same, kids etc, he is very gentle and sweet and kind and I like him a lot so it’s not easy to just walk, but I don’t know if this is too much to take on.

    Any advice would be appreciated, thanks


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,483 ✭✭✭YellowLead

    You have nothing to lose by talking to him about it - but it seems like he’s not suitable to meet your needs, unless he offers to work through things and compromise and really be open about everything when it comes to sex and sexual compatibility.

    it’s only been 2 months so a bit alarm bells on the wanting a future and kids together - it’s a false intimacy which probably makes you feel like you need to put up and stay or you’re losing too much, but you’re not as you’ve only known him a wet week. Don’t fall into the trap of getting invested too soon and then fretting when the other person doesn’t meet your needs - when that happens you just walk and find a guy who does work well with you.

    So have your chat and see if he is willing to be open and also to compromise, and take it from there. But don’t hang around too long trying to change things if he isn’t willing. Best of luck!

  • Registered Users Posts: 19 kit2021

    Thanks everyone we spoke about it last night I got it all off my chest and said things needed to change. He reassured me that they would and apologized for making me feel that way. For now I will keep my guard up a little and be in observation mode

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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,689 ✭✭✭zoobizoo

    Might it be that he doesn't like evening action - and prefers it in the morning.

    Has he been single long?

    How did it come up that he has a high sex drive and sorts himself regularly? Sounds like the things some guys in their early 20s say to make them sound very confident as they don't have the experience to realise that they can be honest and say "I don't have much experience" etc

    As for the bed wetting - he needs to sort that out.

  • Registered Users Posts: 20,031 ✭✭✭✭recode the site

    Has he a problem with alcohol use disorder as you mention the subject in opening post? That is very much known to affect male sexual function by its effect on the nervous system, and nutritional deficiencies. It certainly wouldn’t be to do with your attractiveness and might account for him being “picky” as he might find it problematic to achieve orgasm. Guys sometimes may bluff about their sexual drive, especially when they are having issues with it and naturally feeling frustrated about it. If it’s a medical or psychological issue a consultation/counselling can be helpful if he can be convinced to do that; if it’s an addiction issue it’s ultimately over to him, and best to withdraw and make it known why the deal is off. But you are not the problem.

    Righteous Television Events is an ace broadcasting organisation; we’ll not be hearing counter opinion, d’jya hear me?

  • Registered Users Posts: 12,949 ✭✭✭✭Thelonious Monk


    if it was me and I wasn't initiating or into it at this stage it would mean 100% I'm just not that into you. I've been seeing someone since August and we are at it like rabbits every time we see each other. You don't need to settle for this mess.

  • Administrators Posts: 13,029 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips

    Off topic post deleted.

    @hawley do not post in this thread again. 

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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,021 ✭✭✭Tork

    That bit about you going to bed and crying rang alarm bells for me. I can understand why you'd be disappointed or annoyed at being rejected but....tears??? I don't think you've fully recovered from the damage your last relationship did to you, and that you're settling. This guy might not be as nasty as your ex was but he brings with him a whole new set of problems. He certainly seems to talk the talk but his actions tell a completely different story. I doubt there are many men out there who would even entertain the thoughts of sitting up watching telly when their girlfriends have come to visit and are lying in their bed. There's something pretty off about this guy and I think you're glossing over it because you're so eager to make this new relationship work. I wouldn't even be sure about him being picky before you came along. It's possible he has exes who quickly tired of being with a bed-wedding man who wasn't all that interested in them.

    I think you'd be doing yourself a big favour if you ended this. Then, spend some time being single and working on yourself. Maybe go for some counselling sessions and build your self-esteem back up again.

  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    The guy you're dating is an alcoholic.

    I've known a few of them so know the signs.

    Leave quickly, do not try to help as you won't be able to.

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,567 ✭✭✭2ndcoming

    "Guy I’m dating rejects my sexual advances and never initiates"

    He sounds just like my wife!

    In all seriousness though the amount of people jumping to conclusions here - he's a porn addict, he's an alcoholic, why not throw in axe murderer while ye're at it. He is an adult male with a bed wetting issue which suggests either an emotional or physical difficulty which may well affect sexual ability / confidence. Approach everything with openness, compassion and try to be understanding. If it doesn't work out it doesn't work out but he more than likely isn't doing any of these things to upset you, they're far more likely purely to do with his own issues so be careful not to jump straight to blaming yourself. Never underestimate the fragility of the male ego. Best of luck.

  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    He's not staying up late to watch tv, he's drinking. Seriously, walk away now you do not need this person in your life.

  • Registered Users Posts: 16,415 ✭✭✭✭osarusan

    I don't see any reason to assume this based on the OP's posts so far.

  • Registered Users Posts: 9,761 ✭✭✭Effects

    Two months in and he's making excuses not to have sex? That's only going to get worse. Get out of that relationship, and find someone that's more suited to you, and what you want.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 418 ✭✭Ozvaldo

    37 year old p1sses in the bed- run a mile

  • Registered Users Posts: 9,761 ✭✭✭Effects

    It's not an age thing. Just certain people are predisposed to piss themselves when drunk.

  • Registered Users Posts: 366 ✭✭Monkey09

    OP, crying is not something you should be driven to in any relationship - especially in the early stages of a relationship. You should be at your happiest now. If you're feeling like this after 2 months, what would you be like after a year?

    As for the bed wetting - you should not be so understanding and accepting. He has done nothing to try to prevent it and therefore, obviously has very little consideration for how this is affecting you. This is only the start of the relationship. These kind of things don't get better, they get much worse. In what other areas of life will he be inconsiderate towards you in the future - if you were to continue with him.

    I've read recently that people don't really change. So if you don't like how he is now, you need to consider this relationship very seriously.

    I wish you all the best OP. I know what it's like to care about someone, but remember that you need to consider yourself as well and what's best for you.

  • Registered Users Posts: 735 ✭✭✭Skyrimaddict

    Have things changed any in the last week or so since you spoke?

  • Registered Users Posts: 17,900 ✭✭✭✭Donald Trump

    I'd have the complete opposite opinion ..... in my experience he sounds nothing like your wife 😋

    The OP is only going out with him for two months. She'd either want to be happy with the current level or understand that it probably won't be getting any better. Only "fixable" issue would be if your man was just really really shy and inexperienced with women and she was going to be able to bring him out of his shell. But he's 37.

    OP if you aren't happy with him, and you want to go the whol kids route, you might want to not waste a few years with this fella if it isn't going to be what you want. Not that you are mad stuck for time but you might need to go through another few over the next few years as well

  • Registered Users Posts: 211 ✭✭SunnySundays

    Do you want a project or a relationship?

    If after 2 months,you have mismatched sex drives, you are fundamentally incompatible and it won't get any better. The whys or why nots are irrelevant.

    He doesn't seem to give a sh*t about the bedwetting and if it was a medical issue most reasonable people would explain it before it happened and certainly would explain it after the first event.

    One of the other things to consider after only 2 months, when you aren't having a fulfilling sex life, are being ignored over bedwetting issues and are crying over a guy you didn't know existed 8 weeks ago, are you still hanging on in there?

    It's madness. I would have been screaming next please, 7 weeks ago!!! For you sanity and self esteem, move on.

  • Registered Users Posts: 734 ✭✭✭Foggy Jew

    Probably a wise decision Kit2021. Hope you’re OK.

    It's the bally ballyness of it that makes it all seem so bally bally.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,023 ✭✭✭gsi300024v

    Hey Kit, I am a believer we attract certain people into our lives for a reason. If you find you repeatedly attract the same sorts, or maybe a little too much of your self esteem gets wrapped up in a man after 2 months, it might be worth seeing a therapist to try change how you date or who you attract.

    And yep the staying up watching tv, I'd put money on its porn, I did research in the area of this before and very common.

    Well done you for getting out. To have to start working on stuff after only 2 months seems too much. It should be mainly fun at the beginning.