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Child Item

Guy I’m dating rejects my sexual advances and never initiates

kit2021

I’ve been dating a guy for almost 2 months now. I’m 33 and he’s 37. We usually spend weekends together and talk on the phone every day. He always tells me how pretty I am and that he’s very happy to be with me. He hadn’t been on a date in over a year before he met me he said he’s very picky.

My love language is affection, him not so much but that’s ok. We have had sex and he tells me he really enjoys it with me, it’s amazing etc. I’m pretty much always the one to initiate and the last three times he’s too tired / doesn’t have the energy. He described himself as having a high sex drive and he told me he masturbates regularly so I don’t understand, he will stay up late and watch tv rather than come to bed with me and at the weekend I felt so bad about myself I went to bed and cried while he stayed up late. There has also been an issue with bed wetting - 3 times since we started dating - he said it’s alcohol related, can be after like 2 glasses of wine and a gin and tonic. I’ve been non judgemental and tried to not make him feel embarrassed but I have expressed concern. After the weekend I could barely talk to him as I felt so low and he definitely knows I’m upset, he didn’t call last night like he usually does so I’m going to speak to him tonight. I’m not really sure what to say yet. I’ve told him he can talk to me about anything but I think it’s a good idea to get help incase it’s a medical problem (bed wetting) I also suspect he might be depressed although he says he’s not, I know he has difficulty sleeping and can be withdrawn at times.

My previous relationship left my self esteem in tatters so this is affecting me badly when I feel rejected.

It’s still early days but he talks about wanting a future with me and I feel the same, kids etc, he is very gentle and sweet and kind and I like him a lot so it’s not easy to just walk, but I don’t know if this is too much to take on.

Any advice would be appreciated, thanks

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Goodigal

I don't mean to sound harsh but you're only dating for less than 2 months so it's time to let this guy go. No matter how sweet and nice, you cried in bed while he watched tv instead of being with you. That speaks volumes. This is the time when you should barely be able to keep your hands off each other.

You suffered self esteem issues before and it is likely they will continue if you stick with this man. You don't need to be rejected any more. Let him know you need more or you need to walk away.

Adhamh

Judging from his incontinence, it could be the case that he's quietly suffering from a genuine health issue which, even if it doesn't directly affect his ability to be physically intimate, may shatter his confidence and may make him take a long time to 'open up' to you.

However, you've also mentioned that he masturbates frequently, which may lead me to suspect that in private, he could be a heavy user of pornography. It could be the case then that his ideas of intimacy are completely warped and his normal, healthy libido is scuppered (this is an issue which I suspect is depressingly common among my own friends as well).

In either case, if he's not taking the initiative to sort himself out, then his problems aren't your responsibility either. You're only in the relationship less than two months- I'm not sure if you really have much to lose by leaving him, but nobody can make this decision for you. Maybe it's a bit hasty breaking it off with him, but you'll have to confront him directly and now. If you don't do this ASAP you'll blink your eyes and be in the exact same position in 3 years

Fred Astaire

I have a suspicion that Adhamh is actually right with the 2nd paragraph and the pornography use.

Staying up after you go to bed - I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he was using it then.

It is quite easy to become over-reliant on it, to have performance issues as a result and to get the brain warped in a way.

He was single for at least a year before you - I expect this is a lie and he was single for a lot longer so this habit has had time to grow and fester into something a lot worse.

I don't really have an answer for the bed wetting - if I was wetting the bed that a partner was sleeping in as a result of alcohol, then I wouldn't be drinking alcohol anymore.

He needs to come clean about the porn use and cut out the drink if it's making him wet himself frequently.

YellowLead

You have nothing to lose by talking to him about it - but it seems like he’s not suitable to meet your needs, unless he offers to work through things and compromise and really be open about everything when it comes to sex and sexual compatibility.

it’s only been 2 months so a bit alarm bells on the wanting a future and kids together - it’s a false intimacy which probably makes you feel like you need to put up and stay or you’re losing too much, but you’re not as you’ve only known him a wet week. Don’t fall into the trap of getting invested too soon and then fretting when the other person doesn’t meet your needs - when that happens you just walk and find a guy who does work well with you.

So have your chat and see if he is willing to be open and also to compromise, and take it from there. But don’t hang around too long trying to change things if he isn’t willing. Best of luck!

kit2021

Thanks everyone we spoke about it last night I got it all off my chest and said things needed to change. He reassured me that they would and apologized for making me feel that way. For now I will keep my guard up a little and be in observation mode

partyguinness

As mentioned above, you only started dating in September.

The fact you are crying in bed this early in a relationship is a little red flag (against you I'm afraid) and perhaps you are throwing yourself into it emotionally a little too much this early. Perhaps pushing the relationship too hard too soon.

It is a little objectionable that some posters are automatically jumping to the conclusion that he may be a heavy user of porn...the OP never mentioned anything about porn!

zoobizoo

Might it be that he doesn't like evening action - and prefers it in the morning.

Has he been single long?

How did it come up that he has a high sex drive and sorts himself regularly? Sounds like the things some guys in their early 20s say to make them sound very confident as they don't have the experience to realise that they can be honest and say "I don't have much experience" etc

As for the bed wetting - he needs to sort that out.

[Deleted User]

Has he a problem with alcohol use disorder as you mention the subject in opening post? That is very much known to affect male sexual function by its effect on the nervous system, and nutritional deficiencies. It certainly wouldn’t be to do with your attractiveness and might account for him being “picky” as he might find it problematic to achieve orgasm. Guys sometimes may bluff about their sexual drive, especially when they are having issues with it and naturally feeling frustrated about it. If it’s a medical or psychological issue a consultation/counselling can be helpful if he can be convinced to do that; if it’s an addiction issue it’s ultimately over to him, and best to withdraw and make it known why the deal is off. But you are not the problem.

Thelonious Monk

aaaanyway

if it was me and I wasn't initiating or into it at this stage it would mean 100% I'm just not that into you. I've been seeing someone since August and we are at it like rabbits every time we see each other. You don't need to settle for this mess.

Big Bag of Chips

Off topic post deleted.

@hawley do not post in this thread again. 

Big Bag of Chips

at the weekend I felt so bad about myself I went to bed and cried while he stayed up late. There has also been an issue with bed wetting - 3 times since we started dating - he said it’s alcohol related, can be after like 2 glasses of wine and a gin and tonic. I’ve been non judgemental...

This whole passage concerns me. This is a fella you've been seeing for 2 months. He already has you feeling bad about yourself, crying, has wet the bed 3 times in a few weeks, blames it on alcohol yet continues to drink, and continues to wet the bed. And you say you've been non-judgemental?

I think you need to be judgemental.

This is not acceptable in any relationship, let alone one that is a few weeks old. I can see that your self-esteem obviously took a bashing in your last relationship, but you can't see you have carried that into this relationship. Why do you think you don't deserve better than he is offering you? Why do you think you have to put up with a man who makes you feel worthless and has you crying after just a few weeks? Why do you think you have to put up with a 37 year old man who regularly pisses the bed, and doesn't really seem too bothered about it? Why do you think it's your responsibility to suggest he gets help for this issue? Why do you think anything about him is your responsibility to deal with? Why do you feel like you have to stay? And why do you think it's worth staying?

The early days of the relationship are generally the best. Fun, exciting, lots of sex, everyone on their best behaviour, trying hard to impress. This is the best it's ever going to be with this guy. He doesn't care. He doesn't care he wets the bed. He doesn't care that you're upset. He doesn't care enough about anything to make this relationship last. You've already stayed too long in it. You've already given him plenty of chance. It's only been 2 months.

Walk away now. This is never going to be a beautiful relationship. He's not capable.

kit2021

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118114444#Comment_118114444

I think I needed to read that. Thank you

Tork

That bit about you going to bed and crying rang alarm bells for me. I can understand why you'd be disappointed or annoyed at being rejected but....tears??? I don't think you've fully recovered from the damage your last relationship did to you, and that you're settling. This guy might not be as nasty as your ex was but he brings with him a whole new set of problems. He certainly seems to talk the talk but his actions tell a completely different story. I doubt there are many men out there who would even entertain the thoughts of sitting up watching telly when their girlfriends have come to visit and are lying in their bed. There's something pretty off about this guy and I think you're glossing over it because you're so eager to make this new relationship work. I wouldn't even be sure about him being picky before you came along. It's possible he has exes who quickly tired of being with a bed-wedding man who wasn't all that interested in them.

I think you'd be doing yourself a big favour if you ended this. Then, spend some time being single and working on yourself. Maybe go for some counselling sessions and build your self-esteem back up again.

[Deleted User]

The guy you're dating is an alcoholic.

I've known a few of them so know the signs.

Leave quickly, do not try to help as you won't be able to.

2ndcoming

"Guy I’m dating rejects my sexual advances and never initiates"

He sounds just like my wife!

In all seriousness though the amount of people jumping to conclusions here - he's a porn addict, he's an alcoholic, why not throw in axe murderer while ye're at it. He is an adult male with a bed wetting issue which suggests either an emotional or physical difficulty which may well affect sexual ability / confidence. Approach everything with openness, compassion and try to be understanding. If it doesn't work out it doesn't work out but he more than likely isn't doing any of these things to upset you, they're far more likely purely to do with his own issues so be careful not to jump straight to blaming yourself. Never underestimate the fragility of the male ego. Best of luck.

[Deleted User]

He's not staying up late to watch tv, he's drinking. Seriously, walk away now you do not need this person in your life.

osarusan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118119082#Comment_118119082

I don't see any reason to assume this based on the OP's posts so far.

Effects

Two months in and he's making excuses not to have sex? That's only going to get worse. Get out of that relationship, and find someone that's more suited to you, and what you want.

Still stihl waters 3

The problem isn't with him it's with you, you need to leave and let him deal with his own problems, you owe him nothing after 2 months and you need to take control of what's good for you

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118124663#Comment_118124663

I think it might be a fair assumption based on the fact that he claims to wet the bed after alcohol, and continues to drink alcohol.

We can only assume OP that this isn't a new thing and he has wet the bed far more than the 3 times you've been with him. If I knew alcohol made me wet the bed I would absolutely avoid that situation, especially when sharing a bed with a new "love interest". I'd make my excuses and either not drink or not have an overnight visit.

The fact that 2 months in, he's pretty comfortable wetting the bed and blaming it on drink means there's bigger problems here than you need to take on at this early stage.

I will also admit the only bed wetters I knew in their 30s were people with drink problems.

Now, he may be on medication that causes it, it may be a physical/medical condition. But he has told you it's after drink, so I think you can only take him at his word. And look at his actions - continuing to drink and continuing to wet the bed when you are with him. Not being too bothered about trying to address the issue. It seems you are the one thinking of suggesting he gets it checked out. Has this thought not occurred to him at all? I think I'd swallow any potential embarrassment of going to the doctor to get it checked rather than the continued embarrassment of wetting my (and my gf's?) bed regularly.

I hope you're OK, OP. I think you are very vulnerable right now. Being single isn't the worst thing in the world. It's definitely preferable to being in this relationship.

Ozvaldo

37 year old p1sses in the bed- run a mile

Effects

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118126479#Comment_118126479

It's not an age thing. Just certain people are predisposed to piss themselves when drunk.

Monkey09

OP, crying is not something you should be driven to in any relationship - especially in the early stages of a relationship. You should be at your happiest now. If you're feeling like this after 2 months, what would you be like after a year?

As for the bed wetting - you should not be so understanding and accepting. He has done nothing to try to prevent it and therefore, obviously has very little consideration for how this is affecting you. This is only the start of the relationship. These kind of things don't get better, they get much worse. In what other areas of life will he be inconsiderate towards you in the future - if you were to continue with him.

I've read recently that people don't really change. So if you don't like how he is now, you need to consider this relationship very seriously.

I wish you all the best OP. I know what it's like to care about someone, but remember that you need to consider yourself as well and what's best for you.

[Deleted User]

Have things changed any in the last week or so since you spoke?

Donald Trump

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118122670#Comment_118122670

I'd have the complete opposite opinion ..... in my experience he sounds nothing like your wife 😋

The OP is only going out with him for two months. She'd either want to be happy with the current level or understand that it probably won't be getting any better. Only "fixable" issue would be if your man was just really really shy and inexperienced with women and she was going to be able to bring him out of his shell. But he's 37.

OP if you aren't happy with him, and you want to go the whol kids route, you might want to not waste a few years with this fella if it isn't going to be what you want. Not that you are mad stuck for time but you might need to go through another few over the next few years as well

SunnySundays

Do you want a project or a relationship?

If after 2 months,you have mismatched sex drives, you are fundamentally incompatible and it won't get any better. The whys or why nots are irrelevant.

He doesn't seem to give a sh*t about the bedwetting and if it was a medical issue most reasonable people would explain it before it happened and certainly would explain it after the first event.

One of the other things to consider after only 2 months, when you aren't having a fulfilling sex life, are being ignored over bedwetting issues and are crying over a guy you didn't know existed 8 weeks ago, are you still hanging on in there?

It's madness. I would have been screaming next please, 7 weeks ago!!! For you sanity and self esteem, move on.

kit2021

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118170761#Comment_118170761

I broke it off last week, thanks everyone for the input. Better to be alone than with someone who doesn’t make me feel desired

Foggy Jew

Probably a wise decision Kit2021. Hope you’re OK.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118177967#Comment_118177967

That was the right decision. He wasn't looking for the same things from a relationship that you were. Peoples sexual desires or needs vary in a large spectrum. We often make the mistake of thinking everyone else thinks about sex the way we do but the reality is that about 90% of the people you might date (possibly more) have a wildly different perspective on sex and how it should work in a relationship. Its important to assess how all aspects of a relationship affect you, whether it be your sex life, outlook on having kids or starting a family or your outlook on work or socializing and its very important to be able to act on your gut feeling if it tells you that something is just not right and its starting to make you depressed or whatever. Some posters replied that the fact you were crying over rejection was a sign that the problems are with you. Don't listen to that sort of **** talk. A bad relationship will affect you in your own personal way and you just have to be able to understand that and act on it. Which you seem to have done.

My own personal opinion is that a relationship should make you a stronger person, a happier person and a better person compared to when you are single. If your partner consistently does the opposite or does the opposite a lot of the time then give them their P45 asap. You only live once and finding the right partner is I believe a fundamental of life for most people. They should really teach that in school but alas we only seem to figure it out after dating a **** tonne of total wasters 😁

gsi300024v

Hey Kit, I am a believer we attract certain people into our lives for a reason. If you find you repeatedly attract the same sorts, or maybe a little too much of your self esteem gets wrapped up in a man after 2 months, it might be worth seeing a therapist to try change how you date or who you attract.

And yep the staying up watching tv, I'd put money on its porn, I did research in the area of this before and very common.

Well done you for getting out. To have to start working on stuff after only 2 months seems too much. It should be mainly fun at the beginning.