Boyfriend sending flirty text

Random2016

Hi..I need your advise please.

I suspected boyfriend was up to something as he got protective of his phone and seen him smile when he opens messages. I've Queried it and he has said he texts his friend who I know. One night I read the message exchanges. Wrong I know but my gut felt something was wrong. I didnt tell him this. I seen some messages where he offers to have a feel he's free any time...she tells him about her auld rabbit and he said that's hot! Anyway there was a few messages I find totally inappropriate and it's eating me up. Problem is I'm pregnant with his baby and don't know what the best way to go about this is. I have asked him if he find her attractive which he Denys...we are in the process of finalising our future home with out kids and I don't know what to do. Please advise. I'm worried sick

Akrasia

They sound like jokes to me tbh, just from the way you've described them

Random2016

If there jokes why hide them?

Yurt2

It's a boundary-crossing moment. You'd think that in a relationship one shouldn't have to explain that sending messages about copping a feel and vibrators to the opposite sex is inappropriate and disrespectful to you, yet here you are.

Random2016

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118093234#Comment_118093234

But I'm also wrong for looking so I dunno what to do

Akrasia

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118093221#Comment_118093221

Did he hide them? He told the OP he was texting this girl. She just said he 'got protective'

He could have been looking up Christmas presents for her at the time...

Random2016

He said they were texting about covid numbers...

Not looking Xmas presents as he isn't actually good at using the Internet

Akrasia

OK, well if he lied then that should be a massive red flag..

Also only just realised what you meant by 'auld rabbit'

Yeah. The man needs to cop himself on very rapidly.

irishgrover

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118093221#Comment_118093221

I don't think he did hide anything though. Rather you invaded his privacy.

Notwithstanding, as a result you are now stressed and worried and unsure. All of which is not good for anyone involved.

If you need to find out more about the texts you are going to need to tell him you accessed them, which will create its own trust issues.

I don't have any real advice except try to look after yourself and try to keep perspective. People flirt with other people all the time. It's nice to feel wanted/attractive etc. It does not mean infidelity or lack of love/fidelity etc

Random2016

Thank u for ur reply..how do I go about it..do I ask to see her text randomly or do I tell him I snooped? 😔

Random2016

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118093275#Comment_118093275

He is cagey with his phone..he never opens messages when we are sitting beside each other he denied been attracted to her he denied flirting, I know I breached his trust but I felt him a bit distant after my 2nd child was born

Yurt2

I'm not saying the OP's partner is having an affair, we don't have evidence for that. But all know that guarding one's device is the first sign of suspicious behavior. I've been cheated on before, and my (ex) girlfriend started protecting her phone like they contained nuclear launch codes all of a sudden - and it's one of the first things I noticed was off.

OP's intuition led her to suspect inappropriate contact with the opposite sex, looked at the phone, suspicions confirmed. She shouldn't beat herself up about it. It's generally a bad idea, but her spidey senses led her to believe something was off. On the sliding scale of affairs and looking at a phone, I know which one is worse in my world.

Akrasia

Confront him

Tell him you lost your phone and were trying to find it by ringing your number from his phone and you saw the messages

He lied to you first...

Remind him very forcefully that you're carrying his baby and that this is not a game and you demand commitment and loyalty from him.

How he responds will say a lot about what kind of person he is

Yurt2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118093275#Comment_118093275

Privacy-schmivacy. The woman is carrying his child and he's texting a woman about copping a feel and sex toys. As another poster said it's not a game.

Sounds like you guys are at an important point in your timeline where dishonesty is not a good foundation to build your collective future upon.

It's not easy, but at this stage I'd be flat-out honest with him. No roundabout excuses for going into his phone, own up and tell him exactly why you did it and what lead you to do it. Tell him how you felt reading his offer of physical contact with this 'friend', and her talking about a device that she uses for masturbation. Ask him if this is serious flirting, more, or just a bit of shíte-talking.

There are male-female friendships which totally can happen where the likes of these things are discussed innocently without the implication of romance or sex. But generally from my experience, the male doesn't get overly protective of his phone in this situation or (need to) lie about the situation to his partner.

He could be just looking for a self-esteem boost at a trying time for both of you. Maybe there's more. You won't know unless you confront him honestly and openly about this. Good luck OP.

Random2016

_Thank you all for your replies...been pregnant isn't helping me. I feel sick to my stomach.

I don't think anything has happened between them but I worry it could. There is talk of a night out as part of a group that they are in but he hasn't hasn't me about it...other people's names have been included in the night out but mine wasn't by either of them..this worries me. I know I need to confront him now and I know it won't be pretty. He got very cross when I questioned him before and even hung up on me. Wish me luck

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118093320#Comment_118093320

I was going to say this in my post but thought it was long enough - Keep an eye out for him suddenly taking up a new interest/hobby that doesn't involve you or working overtime when he never worked overtime before. They could be at the stage of flirting where they are building up to that first encounter.

Now having read your quoted post above, this is a red flag in that respect.

Him getting "very cross" and hanging up are more red flags, which even go outside the context of your original concern in the OP.

Big Bag of Chips

His wrong is worse than yours. He'll most likely deflect away from his wrong by accusing you of all sorts. Your gut told you something was going on. People are always told to trust their gut. He already lied about the texts. He wasn't going to admit to texting her inappropriately. So your only option was to find out for yourself.

Now you have a choice to make. Do you tell him and give him a chance to make amends, or do you tell him you won't stand for it and leave the relationship. That's a choice only you can make. But please don't feel that you need to accept disrespectful behaviour in a relationship just because you have children.

Life is very very long to settle for being treated as an after thought in your relationship.

Random2016

I've been so stupid..feels like there laughing behind my back...there is lots of red flags unfortunately and in a way I guess I was so busy with the kids I let them go until now. Very sick with this pregnancy and it's slowed me down showed up these red flags.

Yurt2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118093320#Comment_118093320

Your boundaries are your boundaries, your values are your values. Don't apologize for them. From my reading they are not crazy and are not off-the-wall.

Another bit of perspective, when a woman is pregnant, it's literally one of the most vulnerable human states one could be in. A partner needs to step the f*ck up and be there at times like this and not hiding his phone because (and he deep down knows it) of thick inappropriate text messages with another woman.

Good luck and Godspeed.

Akrasia

Honesty and openness is great until you get the entire conversation derailled by him accusing her of breaching his privacy.

He has already lied to her, he will get defensive so he'll be looking to change the subject.

If she says to him 'I saw your messages to that other woman the first thing he's gonna say is 'you read my messages??' And then the conversation can get turned into her breaching his trust and he has an 'out

The OP needs to focus entirely on what he is doing because that's what is most important at this critical juncture

Random2016

Just to add he has said this pregnancy is making me crazy...turns the tables around on me while he continues to hide his messages

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118093358#Comment_118093358

Yeah, as I said, it's not going to be easy. She'll be the worst **** in the world for going into his phone no doubt.

Still though, I'd remain on point in such a conflict and she has a good one - He lied about this and there has to be a reason. If it escalates from there, well then, as I said it won't be easy. Some hard decisions might have to be made.

Yurt2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118093367#Comment_118093367

If you have any trusted long-standing friends you can talk to about this, now is a good time to pick up the phone. That's what they are for.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118093367#Comment_118093367

So now he's gaslighting you too. Classic behaviour from someone who 100% knows he's in the wrong.

How was the relationship before you got pregnant this time?

Pawwed Rig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118093293#Comment_118093293

I kind of agree with this. Privacy is not a sacred cow above all else. There is absolutely nothing in my life that my wife isn't aware of and I wouldn't think twice if she was looking at my phone messages.

Random2016

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118093498#Comment_118093498

We were a bit distant after the birth of our 2nd but I thought we were still OK. I had some issues after the birth that took months to get over

B.A._Baracus

Confront him. Tell him you checked his phone and saw the messages. Bring this to the surface as it can manifest, bubble and boil in to other areas.

Also to be utmost frank pay no attention to the user who said "invaded his privacy" - That's all garbage. There's always one per checking phone thread. It's all fake ethics.

bb1234567

Invading his privacy? **** me. Is that poster projecting or something? If you check and the suspicions are confirmed then it wasn't invading privacy but a smart move that puts you at an advantage in planning your future with this guy, the invasion of privacy argument is void and the now relatively minor issue takes a backseat to the much larger issue of potentially breaking his girlfriend's trust in the first place that led to this. Jesus, I can't believe there's posters actually gas lighting this poor woman in this awakward and confusing situation she has found herself in.

Random2016

Hi everyone and thanks for your replies.

Here's what happened.

I asked him again about it sat night, denied everything so I asked could I see his messages. He gave me the phone and I read some of the most recent text, questioned him about some and he claimed all were jokes, I told him how they looked to me that he was either having or wanted to have it off with her, denied all, only fu**ing jokes thats all it is..threatened to walk out on me, I told him we needed to talk about it. Anyway he stayed and agreed it may look bad but we're all jokes.

Fast forward to last night when I checked the phone while he was asleep, since I confronted him there are no messages apart from 2, now I suspect he is deleting them which in my opinion is worse and confirms he/she wants to hide something. I lay beside this man with my brain doing 100 miles an hour as I cradled my tummy...I am scared, angry and have no idea what to do. I did ask him if he wasn't happy if he wanted to break up with me not to let the pregnancy stop him and he said he didn't, said he loved me and wants to get our new house sorted so we can call live together properly...

Am I been stupid here? Because i feel like I am....a stupid stupid woman

Morgans

If there wasn't anything with the texts before you confronted him, the pattern shouldn't have changed. I think your gut is right. It's not easy.

You have to be concerned about your future. Should the house and the relationship end in tears you can't say that there were no warning signs.

I'd explain that he needs to do more for you to trust him fully. Outline what you expect - including that he doesn't send flirty texts to others (to me it's laying potential groundwork for fun later but something he can Derby if caught)

Anyway say what it is that you feel is making you lose your trust. If he can't do it, or if he says he can but doesn't follow through, you have a very difficult decision to make regarding your house. It would be good if you all were fair with each other before needing to worry about mortgages and another child.

Random2016

Thank you, and I know ur right but I just feel so stupid and weak...he's just left for work and told me he loved me and gave me a kiss, and as bad as morning sickness is, it made me feel worse. As you said if the text are as innocent as he says they shouldn't change they shouldn't need to be deleted..im wrecking my head and I'm stressed to the limit. In his head this is all put to bed and all is ok, in my head it's far from it.

irelandrover

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118105265#Comment_118105265

You aren't being stupid. You can't help the way you feel at the moment. You had worries about something and you brought them up with your partner instead of letting them fester. Thats exactly what you should be doing IMO.

But on the other side maybe he is telling the truth. I don't think he'd have given you the phone if they were meant in a flirtaeous way. Maybe they have stopped since because he realised the way they come across and stopped sending messages.

The threatening to walk out here would be a bit of a worry here. What is he threatening to walk out about? is he threatening to walk out because you bring it up or is it something else.

Iseedeadpixels

Ask him how he would feel if you were doing that.

Big Bag of Chips

YFlyer, card given for off-topic comment. Please familiarise yourself with our forum charter if you wish to continue posting in this forum.

Off topic post deleted

Thanks.

Big Bag of Chips

The change in text patterns could be coming from him realising he was being inappropriate. You've highlighted an issue with him. I would now expect him to take that on board and cop on.

Just be a bit more aware, but also you if you are deciding to continue with the relationship and giving him the chance to prove himself, then you have to give him that chance. He has broken your trust. You've told him. Maybe the change now is him trying to make things right.

You don't have to pretend it's all OK now. You have a right to tell him how this has made you feel. But, if he has stopped texting her, and that's something you'll get a feel for over the next while, then you'll have to accept that and move forward from it.

Your alternative is to tell him the trust is gone and he has to leave.

Random2016

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118105288#Comment_118105288

He reckoned he had enough of me asking him but my worry is he wanted his phone back because I hadn't got to the messages where he called her hot and horny...

Random2016

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118105298#Comment_118105298

I did and he laughed and said he trusts me

Random2016

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118105310#Comment_118105310

My gut is saying they haven't stopped texting...they were texting from early morning to late nights several times a day..im not convinced its stopped.

Big Bag of Chips

Was he sitting with you last night? Was he texting?

Morgans

You are going to have to get to a position where it doesn't matter to you if they are texting morning til night cos you trust him. It's something you are sensitive about now, and explain that its important for you to have confidence in trusting him. If your partner wants to help you to get to that position, great. I wouldn't necessarily base it on the number and content of the text messages for you to do that. There will be other signs.

If the texts have stopped (it could be that your partner has told the other girl that its something that needed to be knocked on the head) I'd be interested how that was broached and the reaction. But as has been said, if you are happy that you have have outlined your concerns you have to give it a chance to see if things change. You wont get an immediate answer.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Yflyer warned for breach of Charter by offering no advice two posts after being referred to the Charter by a Moderator

Offtopic post deleted

HS

notAMember

This is your third baby with your boyfriend? You said "I felt him a bit distant after my 2nd child was born"

You are being too passive in my opinion, and I understand you are are in a very vulnerable position so that is a defensive position. He is clearly disrespecting you. He has all the benefits of you bearing his children, creating his family, while he gets away with no commitment to you or his children, and has a fantasy girlfriend on the side.

jj880

You are not married (yet). Time to think ahead. Make sure your name is on the deeds of this new house you are getting.

Make sure you have your own money.

Maybe he has learned his lesson now and you will live happily ever after.

However no harm in making sure you are covered for the future just in case.

Good luck.

Ultimately, relationships are built on trust.

Whether or not the OP's boyfriend is cheating is almost irrelevant.

If OP cannot trust her partner the relationship is almost certainly doomed anyway.

I think OP needs to have another sit down with her partner and lay it all out there, be as honest as she has been in this thread, and let the partner know that she cannot go on like this and is prepared to walk away from the relationship.

Gauge his reaction from there, see if he has a lightbulb moment**

**And I don't mean just try call his bluff, you must be prepared to walk away, OP. The current state of affairs is not good for you, your unborn child, nor your other children.

Fandymo

I think the pregnancy is making OP paranoid.

You stated there were issues after the second child OP, is there a fear manifesting in you that the same or worse will happen after this child, and making you look for issues to almost get ahead of the curve and break up prior to the child being born so that you don't have to deal with the same feelings as you did after child 2?

You've gone through his phone and seen some messages. He was open with you that he was texting this friend When confronted, he allowed you to view his messages without knowing you'd already seen some. These are not the usual actions of somebody with something to hide.

Iseedeadpixels

You need to come out and tell him you went through his phone, if hes saying that he'll leave you for accusing him is he really worth it? All those years and he'll walk away over that.

irishgrover

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118093293#Comment_118093293

I Re-read the OP....had missed the explicitness of the "flirting", sex toys etc

Totally agree with you. Totally not on.

irishgrover

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118093282#Comment_118093282

I did not read the original message correctly. I did not notice the nature or explicitness of his flirting.

As a consequence you can totally dismiss my initial opinion

Random2016

He can't agree to anything I say..ive got her number in my phone and when I check what's app is it a coincidence there both online at the same time? No texts are been sent when he is beside me...

partyguinness

Follow your gut instinct. Put an end to this nonsense. It is completely inappropriate and he needs to grow up.