Opinions on wedding with baby

neenam

I have a sister living in New Zealand who has a wedding in early July 2022 in Ireland. She's also expecting to have had a baby that'll be about 4 months old by then.

Initially, I thought that there would be more pressure and expense on them flying over, than having guests fly over - between transporting wedding gear, jet lag, along with all the wedding related things happening in the lead up to and on the day of the wedding. Not sure how many days they'll be here pre-wedding, I'm guessing that they've taken jet lag into account, so probably a few days. Her reasoning was that there would be some people who couldn't or wouldn't fly over that she'd want at the wedding, and I guess it's a way of seeing all her Irish-based friends in one setting. I get the impression that the wedding means a lot to her, so look their wedding, their business.

Now that there's a baby thrown into the mix, she still wants to go ahead with the wedding as planned. She'll most likely have to get a new dress a size up. According to her midwife it'll be ok for the baby to fly over. I'm just concerned that this'll be too much pressure on her, and on himself as well. My mother (an ex-nurse) thinks they should postpone the wedding. When she heard what the midwife said, she replied "have they ever done the third term?" (or that was the gist of it - she was referring to whether they have much experience in the care or the fatigue experienced postpartum. Midwifery may have changed a lot since she retired, I've no idea). I got a second opinion from a child carer with a son, they also said they it should be postponed until it's a yr old. She could have a great day spent with the baby + people she cares about, or she could feel horrendous and struggling on the day...I guess there are a few factors to consider like the difficulty of the pregnancy, etc.

Would appreciate some thoughts on this, tia.

Ninap

Jeez - harsh reactions to a very reasonable OP. There probably isn't any easy answer, and every family has different dynamics in terms of what you can say to a sibling without causing offence, but if it was me, I'd prefer to schedule the wedding for a slightly later date. How long would an average mother leave a 4 month old away from her at a time? A few hours? Plus, it's a very long journey for a child so young. But, of course ultimately it's the couple's choice

Faith

Without wanting to sound rude, I'm struggling to see how this is any of your business. I know it's your sister, but it's entirely up to her and her fiancé to decide what's best for them. I struggle to imagine that she'd appreciate you interfering and undermining her decision unless she has specifically asked for guidance. You seem far too invested in another person's life, tbh.

You summed it up yourself with

their wedding, their business.

Agree with the above poster, I have no idea why you feel this is your business, or why you would be getting opinions from others!

I'm sure your sister is really looking forward to bringing her baby home to meet everyone.

neenam

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118047368#Comment_118047368

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118047411#Comment_118047411

How am I interfering, or undermining their decision? She has always valued and looks for my opinions on any aspects of the wedding that I can assist with. I have their best interests in mind, the lead up to and on the day of the wedding is very long and tiring - never mind having to care for a baby on top of that. I never said that I disapproved of their decision. I was just wondering if she should wait longer til she's better recovered or if would make any difference? It's a valid concern that I have for my sister.

Faith

How am I interfering, or undermining their decision? She has always valued and looks for my opinions on any aspects of the wedding that I can assist with. 

Has she specifically asked for your advice and opinion on this topic? Has she stated that she is undecided on how to proceed and requested your input in helping her to make a decision?

It doesn't sound like that from when you said:

Her reasoning was that there would be some people who couldn't or wouldn't fly over that she'd want at the wedding, and I guess it's a way of seeing all her Irish-based friends in one setting. I get the impression that the wedding means a lot to her, so look their wedding, their business.

Now that there's a baby thrown into the mix, she still wants to go ahead with the wedding as planned

According to her midwife it'll be ok for the baby to fly over. 

She's gone so far as to seek the approval of her midwife, so it sounds to me that her decision has been made. In that case, in the absence of her specifically requesting your advice, you think you know better than her on how she should live her life, and that is that how you're interfering and undermining her decision. You're ignoring her decision and pushing your own beliefs on her, without her asking you to by the sounds of it.

neenam

She was expressing doubt as to whether it was the right decision or not. I don't know myself, hence the question. I just want her to ensure that she doesn't overexert herself or anything between the travel, wedding demands and a baby. I got an opinion from 2 other people on the matter who said to postpone - now if they both said it was ok, then I wouldn't be asking this question in the first place.

I never said anything about knowing better than her - I said I've no idea - so I don't know where you got the "holier than thou" impression from. I'm not ignoring her decision at all. I've said that whatever decision she makes is her business, I literally said this from the original post, and continue to do so. I was just looking for opinions on whether it was a good idea or not from other people who've been in a similar position.

Would you prefer if I just stopped caring about her wellbeing?

@Faith can you please stop jumping to wild conclusions about my motivations behind the post - I was looking for an opinion to my query, that was all. If you've no answer to that then fine, but please stop these baseless accusations. Your responses are overly defensive for what is just a a simple query.

Pistachio19

Given that you say you have no idea, wouldn't it be best to tell your sister that if she asks you - tell her that's a decision only she and her partner can make for themselves and the baby. Personally I wouldn't have my wedding 4 months after having a baby unless I was keeping it low key - going to a registry office and out for dinner afterwards with a few family/friends, and I certainly wouldn't be travelling across the world for it.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058213962/opinions-on-wedding-with-baby

Im with you and your mum on this - she should cancel. She should put it off until later in the year. Nobody tells you how tired you are in those first few months after having a baby . Shes likely to be still breastfeeding at that stage ( if she plans on breastfeeding). She will putting herself under pressure to lose the weight for the wedding. Also she may have a very well behaved quiet baby or she may have colicky cranky baby - no way of knowing this at this stage. If she goes ahead with it she putting herself under so much stress.

Its a long flight with a baby - the amount of stuff she will need to pack for the baby let alone for the wedding would turn me off.

amdublin

Difficult one really. And one your sister and husband to be will have to decide for themselves.

It doesn't really matter what anyone here thinks. Or what you think. Or what your mam thinks. It is their decision to make themselves.

Thoie

One thing to bear in mind is that while travelling with a small baby is daunting, in a lot of ways it's easier to take a long flight with an immobile 4 month old than with a mobile 1 year old. They're both likely to cry at some stage, but a 4 month old won't be wriggling away from you and wanting to crawl all over the plane. If you're lucky they'll sleep for a lot of it.

I think the best thing to tell your sister is that you'll support her either way, your main concern is that she's unnecessarily putting herself under pressure, and that she should consider what works best for her and her family. If sticking to the original schedule suits them, then great. If they'd like to postpone but feel they can't (because of bookings/other people), remind her that it's far enough away yet for plans to be comparatively easily changed if that's what she'd like - no-one will mind at this stage, it's plenty of notice for both guests and suppliers. If she wants to delay, but is feeling overwhelmed by the logistics of calls to make, you could offer to help out with some of those calls, if appropriate.

Faith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118048569#Comment_118048569

Of course, you can by all means ignore or disagree with my position, but you're projecting an awful lot onto my very short posts. There were no "wild conclusions", "baseless accusations", "defensiveness" or mentions of a "holier than thou" attitude. If you don't provide all the information, people must, of course, fill in the gaps and mistakes can be made.

Seeing as you've asked for lived experiences, my sibling and their partner lived in Australia and travelled to Ireland and the USA with their 6 month old baby with cerebral palsy, so I think the journey is manageable. My friends with children have all agreed that it's easiest to travel with younger babies because they sleep more and are easier to soothe and meet the needs of than toddlers, for instance. They'd all be happy to bring a baby to a wedding, but wouldn't bring an 18 month old as easily, for example.

She was expressing doubt as to whether it was the right decision or not. I don't know myself, hence the question. I just want her to ensure that she doesn't overexert herself or anything between the travel, wedding demands and a baby.

I'd think the best thing you could do, then, would be to let your sister know that you will support her with whatever her decision is. If she chooses to stay in NZ, you'll support her; if she chooses to travel, you'll do whatever you can to minimise challenges she might experience.

Mrs OBumble

I think your sister should ask the advice of her GP: a midwife is a fantastic resource for pregnancy and birth, but not really qualified to offer advice about a 4 month year old.

Also, she needs to consider that the baby will be not vaxxed for Covid so possibly not even allowed on a plane in NZ at that time (that's the way public health advice there is leaning. )

BronsonTB

Can't really advise, but in our case we decided to postponed....with having a baby there is alot of unknown & risk until they are born...so we are waiting until the baby is a bit older before having the wedding.

Loveinapril

Hang on, is your sister even pregnant? The maths don't add up. Having a 4 month old in July 2022 would mean your sister would have to be currently getting pregnant!

Faith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118049953#Comment_118049953

I think you might have fallen into the trap of losing all sense of time this year, like many of us 😉. July 22 is only 8-9 months away from now, so the OPs sister is presumably 4/5 months pregnant.

Loveinapril

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118050005#Comment_118050005

Well that's not embarrassing at all. I will put the wine down. As you were!

woodchuck

I think your heart is in the right place OP. If it was my sister, I'd advise her to talk to people who have children and have gotten married (not necessarily at the same time). They'll be able to give her a more realistic idea of the stress of both and better able to advise if it's a good idea to do both around the same time. Obviously it's up to her what she decides to do, but it would be helpful for her talk to people who can give a first hand account of what having a new baby and planning a wedding is like.

So, in the OP, the sister had made her mind up to go ahead with the wedding, everything decided, but after a few replies, it appears that the sister did express doubts and asked for advise.

Mmmm, fairly dubious OP. I think maybe you just didn't like the replies.

Anyway, whichever is the truth, it is still her and her husband to be decision. Just be of assistance whatever she needs to make it easier on them. Travelling with a small baby is grand, it will sleep most of the time. My best friend used to be over and back to Australia with small kids, the baby was the easiest.

witchgirl26

OP I think if your sister wants to go ahead with it all as planned, then the best thing you can do is support her in everyway possible.

Just a couple of observations - does she already have the dress? If so, she might not have to get another. I was at my skinniest at that point post-partum. Plus a lot of dresses have a little bit extra space to be let out (not a massive amount but more than normal clothes). As most fittings wouldn't take place until 6 weeks before the wedding, that means that it's not like it has to be fitted now & re-altered by then.

As for the 4th trimester (which is what I think you were referring to), this is a thing and is definitely something that your sister will have to take into account but if she's already been in touch with her midwife about it, it sounds like she's aware & is trying to make plans around this.

Travelling with a baby that age is a lot easier as they sleep more & don't need to be entertained as much. That said, maybe advise her on coming over a little bit before the wedding so that baby is settled into a routine here before the day. Also might be worth designating someone to be on baby-duty who doesn't have to be in the main pictures to help with nappy changing etc. Realistically your sister won't know how she feels post-partum until she is actually post-partum. However sometimes it's nice to have nice things planned - I went on a weekend break (without baby) when my child was 7 weeks old. Absolutely brilliant! Was I wrecked after it? Yes. Was it tough to sort? Again yes. Would I do it again if I had another? Possibly!