Ex Has Got Married

Salient Verb

My ex boyfriend got married a few weeks ago (I just found out from a mutual friend) a few weeks ago. A year after we split up. We were in a relationship, long distance (3 hour drive) on and off due to work but not mega long distance for 3 years and he ended it out of the blue with a phone call. Literally the last time I saw him, he was all over me, everything seemed great, we had no long disagreements, nothing to indicate he was unhappy. He was pretty cruel about the break-up, refused to meet up or talk on the phone any more, and I've never seen him again.

I've known its over for a while but obviously its a shock as its so quick, lockdown and all. I don't know the woman he has married but she is from outwith Europe so I guess organising the visa or permissions to marry will have taken some time.

There were some red flags with him I guess, in terms of him being a little controlling about where we went and what we did, and he obviously spun me a pack of lies about being anti-social and happy to spend a lot of time on his own and finding it difficult to imagine sharing his living space with another person, being a loner, different from other people, etc.. Those were some of the things I liked about him actually, that he felt comfortable enough in his own skin to do what he wanted and not get married before he was ready due to convention. As a result of him saying these things, I never pressurised him or asked him too many awkward questions. I realise now this was wrong but I guess I was naive.

I'm just stunned at how quickly someone can meet another person and know them well enough to get married, right through lockdown and all.

Bit of a strange one alright. Is it possible he was seeing her before you officially split?

I imagine it has crossed your mind.

Donald Trump

The girl could have been here, either legally or illegally and they might have rushed to get married to regularize her situation and get her status.

It's quite common with South American girls

Spook_ie

Shotgun wedding maybe?

Jequ0n

I appreciate this won't be much consolation to you OP, but there was either a relationship overlap or he rushed into the next relationship head over heels. Either case is a disastrous foundation for most relationships, because there will either be underlying trust issues, or an unhealthy reason to have rushed this whole affair.

I can understand why you are wondering what exactly happened there, but the truth is you will most likely never find out. The chances of him regretting this decision down the line are fairly high though. I have seen this before and have also been part of these games, and it always ended in tears for one party.

tara73

might sound harsh but I guess your gut is telling you something like this already: sounds to me you were an affair mainly for good sex and his 'wife meterial' always there and never in question to leave.

all this blabla he's a loner, can't imagine living with somebody would keep you at distance and it worked, you didn't question much...were you ever at his place?

whatever it is, if this is true or he really got a new gf within a few weks after he broke up with you and married her after a few month, doesn't matter, both ridicilous and be happy, you are well rid of this guy.

Salient Verb

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118046331#Comment_118046331

I was round at his all the time! Well maybe about 80% of the time at his, 20% at mine (I have a housemate). But at some times, due to my work, I would only see him every 3 weeks, although it varied. But Saturday nights, Sundays all spent together at or near his place, he was always available.

If I sound a little unemotional, its because he's dropped a few bombshells before. He has ended it with me twice before suddenly with his "I guess I'm just bad at relationships" line (I know, I shouldn't have gone back), he resigned from his job suddenly just because he didn't like it any more and can't get back to his career as a result).

I was really upset when he ended it, and the way he did it made it worse because none of it made sense (he said stuff like I'd be better off without him, I was too attractive and intelligent for him and could have any man and why would I want him, he was "bad at relationships") and then blocked me everywhere. I wasn't texting him a lot as when he's done this before we've gone no contact and then got back together again. He's always been secretive, maybe I should have been more pushy in the relationship but honestly i adored him and I thought he adored me and we were ideal for each other. Now I realise I was too easy going and far too innocent and naive. Now if I saw him on the street, I'd go back the other way to avoid him.

I'm guessing the most likely explanation is that he was at least flirting with this woman before and that she's already been in the country on a work visa. He does run a small business which involves him meeting large numbers of single women (don't want to give too much information). I really don't know and will never find out.

He has been very secretive about it. The mutual friend simply saw something someone else had posted on Facebook about being at his wedding and the woman's name was there and she hovered over it. He hasn't changed his relationship status on sm or anything, if it hadn't been for that, everyone would have assumed he was single as ever. Mutual friend is actually a friend of his from way back that simply has him on social media now.

Could be that someone has said something to him about still being a bachelor at 41 and he's made one of his snap decisions to get married to fit in.

Looking back, there were some things: he claimed he couldn't work Facebook and had lost his password so couldn't add me a Friend on it, but now, according to mutual friend (who doesn't make things up), he's on it all the time. He could never remember if he was vegan, vegetarian or neither and kept changing his story even though he was making me vegan meals with tofu, and he used to make a lot of Indian food and was quite knowledgable about it (the woman is from India). But thats it really as far as suspicious signs go.

My thinking is that he's a very late maturing guy and a bit shy but also that he has no idea about how to have good relationships or appreciate people, so he just cuts them off, rather than him being some mastermind cheater.

I'm allowing myself one week to process this and then I'm going to be really strict with myself and not allow myself to think about it at all. Its really difficult to deal with something that makes no sense, which is as weird as all of this so just seeking outside perspectives to process it before moving on.

JimmyVik

People can lead double lives easily.

I went out with a girl for 2.5 years.

Her job took her to Paris every 2nd week. She always said she was working and i shouldnt go over with her when she was working.

She was in Paris working for both Valentines days and one Christmas. I was told it was a work thik and not to go over. In fact we never went to Paris together.

So about a year after being dumped I met her friend (didnt even know she knew her at all til she saw a photo one day and said "do you know "xxxxx"?) totally by accident and started going out with her. She told me the low down.

The other girl was married to a guy in Paris about 3 years before I met her and was with him the whole time and was still with him last I heard.

I had no idea at all.

Jequ0n

OP, as the previous poster pointed living a double life is not difficult if you are not restrained by feelings of guilt. You are most likely struggling to accept/ understand this mindset because you are different and this would never be something you’d do yourself. Some of us are different though, and self serving.

You will never get an honest answer as to what was going on, but given your update you can be pretty certain that he will not be able to shake behavioural patterns. Best of luck

Salient Verb

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118046577#Comment_118046577

I'm really sorry to hear that. It must have been a real shock to you even a year later. I thought I was over my ex but of course news like this is upsetting, unless you have no heart!

I really don't want to think that he was leading a double life, but have to admit its possible, even likely. At least he wasn't married, or he wouldn't have been able to get married a few weeks ago.

We did everything together, out to restaurants, hill walking trips, out to concerts, although there was one town, a seaside resort, he point blank refused to go to and had a very over the top reaction about when I suggested it.

Makes sense the way he ended it and everything, he obviously didn't want any questions and felt extremely guilty so couldn't face me.

I know I shouldn't be wasting time thinking about this too much but equally I don't want to bottle it up without processing it first.

I think I was a very innocent, trusting person and he told me he was very moral, etc. I'm kicking myself for not being more questioning, but he sort of sucks you into not asking any awkward questions somehow. Its difficult to explain.

hawley

He's sounds like a bit of an oddball, but it also seems like he was using you. If he was constantly on Facebook but wouldn't "friend" you on it, it means that something was up from the beginning. I wouldn't be surprised if he was active on foreign dating sites throughout your relationship. If he's in his forties, I'm presuming that you're a similar age; it's not a very nice thing to lead someone on at that age, it's harder to meet someone as you get older. Where did you see the relationship going? There's nothing wrong with trusting someone, you shouldn't be angry with yourself.

tara73

don't beat yourself up over it OP, there a many set ups or characters in this world it's often beyond ones own horizon.

And it's probably as you wrote in your reply, you present him very well there, he's an immature guy who's personality is making 'snap' decisions and is not a reflection on you or your own character.

As said, you are well rid and I'm sure you will see it in a short time. This is just a bit of a new shock info and opens up the healing process which you said, needs to be processed, but you'll be fine in no time (and will probably hear about his divorce in a year..😂)

Salient Verb

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118046828#Comment_118046828

Despite everything, I thought we were going to just end up together, hopefully marrying. I thought he didn't cope well with pressure, but the last 2 years of the relationship, he was noticeably much more into it and seemed to have settled down and wasn't being so weird. I felt as though I was a good influence on him. Before we got together, he used to use Tinder a lot and I think he had quite a bad attitude towards relationships and women so I don't know how he's managed to get married!

I know that doesn't make him sound great the way I write that so you might have to use your imagination! Lots of people are together a while before getting married and lots of men say stuff like that. I'm the same age as him, mutual friend said his new wife looked the same age as well, so its not as if he's gone for a younger girl or something.

Ah, theres no making sense of it. I know he does this sort of erratic stuff (I'm not saying that his marriage is erratic, they may well be totally in love and very happy together).

Its just hard to believe bad stuff about people you know well, so I'm always looking for the most reasonable explanation, to try and make sense of it.

hawley

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118046894#Comment_118046894

He is after marrying someone who's more than likely from a poorer background and is in a vulnerable position. He has all the power over her. She's not allowed to question anything about his life or behavior. It would be quite easy for most Irish men or women to meet and marry someone from a developing country within a short time, if they so wished. This is the type of relationship he wants.

Salient Verb

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118046962#Comment_118046962

To make it even more weird, his father is recently married to a woman from the same country and has had a baby with her aged 65!

I think his marriage will be for keeps - he has too much to lose financially otherwise. His family are wealthy, he owns a property with no mortgage and gets an allowance. They're also as mean as sin however, and I just cannot see him paying for someone's visa and immigration costs. It has to have been someone who has already been in this country.

Its all so strange and a lot to take in. Another friend has just messaged to say "Did you know [name] got married? Who on earth to? Wern't you guys an item?"

Tork

Reading down through your description of this relationship, it's obvious that you dodged a bullet. I don't think you know yet how lucky you are that you're now split from him. What I find more concerning though is how hung up you still are on this guy a year later. The more things you mention about your relationship with him, the more I wonder why you stayed in it? There are red flags all over the place but you ignored them and persisted with the relationship. It's understandable that you'll wonder why he never wanted to marry you, and why he tied the knot with this lady so quickly. But you know, the warning signs for you were there all along. You didn't see them. It's easy to get distracted and analyse his motivations to death. Perhaps it's easier than properly dealing with why you stayed in a relationship with him?

Jequ0n

To be honest, OP, the more you write the more consistent his behaviour becomes. Particularly when you see similarities in his family.

I can guarantee you that your relationship had not lasted this long had you been more pushy or insisting on some form of commitment. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but he obviously did not consider you “marriage material”, which is a good thing for you.

This has the potential to become the metaphorical gilded cage for the woman he married.

Salient Verb

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118048384#Comment_118048384

I guess a lot of its to do with not having a father around when I was growing up. I'm aware that I have somewhat weak boundaries and that I need to use this as a learning experience.

Even so, I was aware of the warning signs and they troubled me, its my reaction to them that was wrong - I modified my behaviour. But maybe he realised my boundaries were never going to be quite weak enough for him?

Interestingly, nearly all of my female friends who knew him were completely taken in by his shy guy/never going to get married act too, but male friends were not at all. He's very good looking too and turns himself out well, strangely he had turned down a lot of women who were keen on him and his interest in me made me feel special. A lot of people thought he was gay.

You are right in identifying that this man occupies way too much importance in my head.

Can I just say that its really helpful in hearing outside perspectives on this. I'm just processing it, I know I need to forget this guy. I was actually doing really well til I got this news, its just recent, is all.

1874

OP, dont listen to the people demonise the guy by suggesting he could have had someone on the go at the same time as you, and thus seem to have some need to make you feel bad even if they commiserate with you, that may have the potential to naggingly eat at you wondering if it was so. There was ample time after you split for this guy to strike up a relationship. To get married in a hurry, possibly not a great idea, but it can happen.

Don't beat yourself up about it, you thought there were some red flags, I'd just try get over it and move on, it wasn't meant to be and there was no opportunity for you to do talk to the person about it due to the suddenness of it ending, then there was nothing you could have done.

It can be tough, but I wouldn't dwell on it, I think that can only serve to make you feel bad and wonder or second guess yourself. If anything, think of it as they did you a favour (if even unintentionally), this break up does seem abrupt, but thats almost better than someone dragging things out and keeping someone on hold and not coming out with the truth that will eventually come out.

The same kind of posters who demonise this guy or another for breaking things off (and essentially being truthful, even if it was unfairly harsh to you) would bemoan a poster for not telling a partner they don't have feelings anymore.

Privately, I'd wish him well yourself (I don't mean contact him) just in your mind, nothing wrong with being surprised at how quick this occurred (it can happen), just move forward and don't let it affect you, water off a ducks back.

TheadoreT

The two most common types of people that come through this forum are self proclaimed good husbands in sexless marriages and women who are hung up on a lad who treated them a bit crap and have long since moved on. I reckon there's a lot of crossover between the two in reality.

OP you sound so far from being emotionally available for anyone, over a year later. Obviously this type of thing can throw anyone off kilter briefly but it's seem deeper and more of a problematic obsession for you. This year can spill over to 2,5,10 years if you're not careful. You could end up comparing future dates/ relationships unfavourably against whatever fairytale you built about this guy being the one for you. It was mainly just dopamine hits of him being hot and cold, you perceiving he chose you over others, you fancying the pants off him ect.., but in terms of actual strengths of a long term partner he was terrible for you.

Salient Verb

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118054256#Comment_118054256

Yes I know, I have to be aware of striking a balance between going off him and demonising him. If he were unmarried (which I thought he was until last week, what with him being a self proclaimed eternal bachelor who liked his own space and all), I wouldn't even accept him back if he came crawling back on his hands and knees begging forgiveness. I know he's trouble, and I know he would pull one of his stunts/bombshells again, at least with me. Perhaps he will turn into husband of the year with this other woman, who knows.

Theres a part of me that quite likes him being married, because I know I will never be troubled by him again. There is little I detest more than married men looking for bits on the side and coming out with all the stale excuses.

I just wanted to talk about it, because the facts are very strange - you cannot deny that! My friends who know him can't stop talking about it either, and I'm going to have to ask them to stop.

I am unusually hurt by him though, and you are spot on about the hot and cold treatment. It must have triggered something in me, and I think he chose quite cleverly in finding me who would respond to that and then finding someone who is probably not going to challenge him in the way that someone from a western culture would if he misbehaves. I really am going to be strict with myself after this one week to get over this.

I was honestly doing perfectly well before this news. The longer I stay away from him, the better by far my life gets. I would love to be 10 years from now, never having set eyes on him again. But to be honest, every week away from him is a bonus. I even feel better than 2 days ago. Unfortunately, I don't think I'll ever look back on him fondly or with happy memories due to the way it ended, I look at it more as period of being shafted, repeatedly, and having escaped.

I'm definitely not ready for another relationship right now, but its not exactly been possible to even meet people socially much for the majority of this year and most sporting things cancelled so you can't even do those, so thats hardly helped. Its been difficult for many, without something like this happening to them. I couldn't have it on my conscience to just use someone for attention and then drop them because I'm bored and I'm the sort of person who does relationships, not casual flings, and I would only have a relationship with someone I really liked a lot, not Mr Make-Do. Believe it or not, many single men in their forties can be very clingy if you start something up with them and extracating yourself from someone who's not right can cause more problems. I have plenty of single friends, even women over 40, who haven't died due to it and who are actually quite happy, equally I have had friends who have met someone at all stages of their lives. But its not the be all and end all of life.

Jequ0n

@Salient Verb I think it’s understandable that you are shaken by the unexpected news, and that you are revisiting a lot of memories and re-evaluating them.

I guess allowing yourself to be angry/ upset/ whatever is probably healthy too, as long as you don’t let it fester.

I have fucked people over before, and I can see some patterns there which make me think he is very unlikely to ever change. You had a lucky escape and have noticed red flags to avoid going forward.

Salient Verb

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118054869#Comment_118054869

Thanks. Your insights have been really helpful. You are right in identifying patterns of behaviour. What I see is that he has no qualms about upsetting people and very little conscience.

I've had a really good day today. I was working from home and was worried about being alone all day but I've actually felt much calmer today. I was surprised that he still had the power to upset me, as I had thought I was over him. I don't think I had fully dealt with it before due to bottling it up, so I'm trying to see this as a positive.

Wombatman

Your relationship with this guy is in the past and he is out of your life. You appear to have learned lessons from the relationship and breakup. I would't bother dwelling on what he is doing with his life now. It makes no odds to you if he becomes a monk or marries a monkey. Get on with your life and enjoy your single hood. Look to the future. Humans a designed to forget for a reason.

Oranage2

Sorry to say this op but it sounds like you were the side chick. The guy seems to be feigning stupidity to any of your hard questions and just an outright liar for other things.

Marriages like that usually involve proving they've been together for a period usually 2-3 years though it's easily faked. But it sounds like after the marriage he cut all ties with his side relationships.

Scumbags like this usually get bored and he'll be playing the field in no time, when his wife is away you'll probably get a wanna meet message.

bottlebrush

OP I'm sorry this happened to you but you need to work out why you thought that "Despite everything, I thought we were going to just end up together, hopefully marrying". 'Despite' him telling you he was a loner, liked his own space, was bad at doing relationships, playing the eternal bachelor card, telling you that you were too attractive for him, you could do better and so on. You each wanted different things of each other but both of you carried together on regardless.

This is the bit you need to focus on fixing in yourself rather than being hung up on why he got married so soon to somebody else after breaking up with you. With all of the above he was telling you he wasn't into a commitment - with you. And you went along with it not telling him what you wanted out of the relationship by 'not pressuring' him.

The main thing is when you start dating again, which I hope you will, you will consider any red flags seriously, not dismiss them in the hope that the guy doesn't really mean it and you'll end up happily ever after anyway. Make sure that the signals, verbal or otherwise, line up with what you want to be the outcome of a relationship.

Best of luck OP.

Salient Verb

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118064978#Comment_118064978

I can't have been his side piece for 3 years though - he was literally always available over the weekend, never cancelled, we went out in public, I have lots of photographs of us together. We had had the exclusivity talk. He ditched me as lockdown hit, so something obviously changed for him around that time.

What I do know is that with weddings being postponed due to lockdown, its almost impossible to book a wedding at a popular hotel less than 6 months, maybe even a year in advance. There could have been a cancellation I guess but that timescale doesn't make sense unless he was cheating.

I'm sick of the guy...I'm absolutely done. When you are asking these sort of questions about someone's behaviour, they're dodgy as hell. Due to the way he ended it, I wouldn't even reply to him if I passed him on the street and he said hello. His actions are of someone who is very guilty and doesn't want to explain or be asked questions. I've got another friend who was dumped in a similar way and she said the shame never leaves you, its hard to explain. I know I did nothing wrong but I feel embarrassed.

I feel so much better again today. The news just shocked me back into being upset for a short time. I'm heading out to do my sport now, with a nice bunch of people.

I think he's a pathological liar. He's very, very good at it, comes across as a bit of a victim, hypochondriac, always a reason to think he'd never be the bad guy.

I actually got a message from him around March this year. It said "What we had together was really good, even if it was a bit off and on. But I'm sorry I can't see you at this time". At this time? Off and on? He must have been engaged when he wrote that. I ignored it and then I broke my phone and had to change my number anyway, so he has no way of contacting me.

So now look out! He's got a nice wife sitting at home, who's happy whatever he does because she now will have EU citizenship and living in a nice house she hasn't had to work for, and judging from what friends say (I have him blocked everywhere), theres no mention of the name of his wife or status anywhere on social media.

Pathetic he is.

Oranage2

Really sorry to hear this, you did the right thing deleting his number. She won't get instant citizenship it usually takes 3 years. He'd have to apply for D-visa (spouse) and this involves proving they were living together for 2 years.

Anyway op you've to just move on, easier said but fellas like him will be still playing the field married or not. Don't blame yourself, this guy was a piece of work, no respect just a complete A-hole

Wombatman

Sounds like you still have strong feelings for this guy even after a year of breaking up.

Ye were only going out for three years and that was long distance. It's not like ye were married for 10 years.

You really need to let this guy go emotionally. Looks to thyself and forget about what he is doing. Tracking his every move on social media tying yourself in knots thinking about his life is not healthy.

Get over him or you might end up being the pathetic one. Easier said that done I know but that should be your focus.

I really hope you didn't spend the last 4 days mulling over him.

Salient Verb

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118065681#Comment_118065681

Think you've got the wrong end of the stick there!

Naturally anyone would be shocked by hearing their ex boyfriend had got married in these circumstances. A 3 year relationship might just be casual to you, but it's not to me and many other people.

Please don't suggest I'm stalking him or "following his every move on social media". Thats simply not right. My posts clearly explain how I got this news from a friend. I didnt even ask about him.

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118046012#Comment_118046012

In 2021?

Jequ0n

@Salient Verb

"So now look out! He's got a nice wife sitting at home, who's happy whatever he does because she now will have EU citizenship and living in a nice house she hasn't had to work for, and judging from what friends say (I have him blocked everywhere), theres no mention of the name of his wife or status anywhere on social media."

A lot of bitterness in there, which will hopefully leave you soon. This woman is not the problem here, and she is quite possibly in a very unenviable situation. As explained by several posters on thread there is a high chance that he secured a partner who is easy to isolate, and therefore control.

Sounds like you have a lot to think about regarding your own boundaries, so focus on that instead of wasting your anger on a woman who most likely never knew you existed.

Donald Trump

The man is entitled to do what he wants and more power to him. It's not for the OP to make his decisions for him or to diminish the lady he got married to.

He might have just landed on his feet with an incredible stunner and been delighted to pull the trigger as soon as he could. A lot of people from India are very conservative and some still abide by "no sex before marraige" norms. (It ain't just Catholics who had that). That could also add to the haste to get married.

OP can get back out on the market and find someone who suits her. The fella obviously didn't suit her but that doesn't mean he won't suit anyone else.

Salient Verb

Hi everyone. I've had an appointment with my psychologist today, and she thinks I am suffering from PTSD.

I am trying really hard to get over this but I am suffering from flashbacks, nightmares and I have a couple of geographical-related phobias (I know it sounds ridiculous but I try to avoid going to places near where he lives and suffer anxiety related symptoms such as shaking and breaking out in a cold sweat if I have too near those areas). She is going to work through this with me using a couple of therapies.

I am not obsessed with this man, I do not "follow his every move on social media". I found it hurtful that a couple of posters have accused me of these things and I'm anxious that other people in the outside world will think that about me too. I appreciate all the many posts from posters who have been helpful but sometimes its not easy to snap out of something like this in the way you would wish to on your own. I will repeat again that I blocked him on social media months ago, that I go nowhere near him and take steps to avoid the likelihood of bumping into him and the news of his wedding came from a friend.

What I do have is anxiety and flashbacks and my reactions may come across as slightly off-kilter because I feel as if I need to be constantly on guard against potential danger. I am also holding down a full time job and trying not to less this affect it.

It really isn't nice feeling this way and its certainly not something you would choose if you could help it.

I hope no-one finds it ridiculous to get PTSD from the end of a relationship, although my psychologist said its likely from the up and down nature of the whole relationship and the particular effect it had on me.

Thank you again for taking the trouble to read and respond.

RojaStar

Sorry to hear that OP. PTSD seems like quite an extreme label for the psychologist to put on how you're feeling, not sure it's particularly helpful. But if they can help you figure out how to get through this, that's the main thing.

partyguinness

OP I have been like your ex in a former relationship.

Without getting into the gory details. I ended it suddenly after 3 years as I just had to as I was wasting her time. I knew she saw marriage, the white picket fence, the works. I didnt with her. Don't get me wrong she was wonderful and I honestly could not pick a single fault with her. She would have been a wonderful wife, mother, partner and she adored me but it just was not meant to be. She was just more settled than me with a house and mortgage and I just felt I had a few more years to go. She was nearly 5 years older and that certainly played on my mind. I actually met my now wife only a few months later while abroad (not Irish) and we married 3 years later and now 2 kids later.

Bottom line was she was not 'the one'. Unfortunately, I have learned 15 years down the line she never entered another relationship and her brother (how I met her) stopped talking to me. Bottom line it devastated her and she had all sorts of anxiety attacks. She was/is such a wonderful woman that really does make me sad that she never embarked on another relationship.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

@Salient Verb given you are seeing a professional to help you with what you're going through and you feel some of the replies here (while well meaning) are exacerbating how you're feeling rather than helping you, I'm going to close the thread there. The last thing we want is a reply here causing you a set back.

Please continue to work with your psychologist and I hope you are able to put all of this behind you in time.

Best of luck and thanks everyone who took the time to offer help.

HS