Girlfriend had untreated depression - scares me a bit.

manonboard

Hello everyone!

I'm not sure if i need to make a decision or im just looking for some outside perspective.

I'm in a long distance relationship 2 months. We were dating in person 2 months before that. Things have been going quite well. I dont find long distance difficult myself.

My girlfriend has some anxiety issues, and always told me they were related to her PMS/PMDD. It's quite bad periods she gets. A couple of months ago she went on some anti anxiety medication to help. They've helped alot. Some side effects but largely it has helped the anxiety quite a bit which is great.

She's been a bit down recently and very negative. Very defeatist which surprised me. This week it ramped up a bit and she told me her depression has been here a long time. I had no idea she had depression. From a self serving point of view, i am very annoyed she didn't tell me she had depression that has been going untreated for many many years. I was quite clear at the start that i tend to have alot of dysfunctional savior type of compulsions, ones which i've worked really hard at not activating/falling for anymore. i was clear about the dynamics i was looking for to learn more secure attachment and peaceful dynamics.

I feel like having an untreated mental illness like depression is something i deserved to know when making the decision to date in a relationship. To be quite honest, i likely would of said no thanks, as it would of been too much close to the bone of what would trigger my dysfunctional urges. I've done very well in recent years about staying out of peoples problems, and its good for me.

I feel like my choice was invalidated because she didn't inform me about this. It turns out to be a serious depression she seems to have. I feel all the usual guilt feelings of thinking of leaving because of this, and i'm of course very bothered that she didn't tell me.

I told her i have a condition to keep dating, and that its she gets treatment for this. That its not ok to have an untreated mental illness of this intensity and that the consequences it has on our time together is too much to leave it untreated.

Could i ask for peoples thoughts and perspectives on this? I can have a blind spot when it comes to this part of my dysfunctions so I'm a little scared trusting my own opinion.

Thanks

thefallingman

You seem very angry op, she has told you and it hasn't been that long, and honestly it's not an easy thing to say.

The thing about treated and untreated depression is odd, there is no miracle cure trust me, and most people struggle on alone as it comes and go's.

Depression medication sucks and leaves you a zombie, this isn't treatment and paying a fortune for a shrink or a counsellor is no fun either it's a horrible horrible thing. I think you are very harsh here in my honest opinion, has she threatened to dump you over your issues ?

We all have issues !

manonboard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118022583#Comment_118022583

Yes, and i suffered from depression for about 8 years a long time ago. I'm certainly aware of how difficult and hard it can be. I also know how serious it can be. I know i sound a bit harsh in my message. I left out all the support and empathetic caring stuff that came along with all our chats and considerations. I know im good at that stuff so i didnt want to bring it into the message, because i wanted the message to focus on my needs. Her needs i can understand at the moment, its more my needs im struggling with understanding right now. I hope that makes sense.

No she's hasn't threatened to dump me over my issues, but it would be fair to say there's been nothing surprising in my behavior so far from what i understand and from what she says.

The scary part for me is the fear that i'll end up in a cycle of difficulty again since depression tends to be a very long process to recover from. Given my past, thats a scary prospective for me since i used to gravitate towards those situations as a means to make myself lovable/useful etc. These days, I like much more peaceful, easy going dynamics, and im really enjoying my life to a high level. I've taken very good care to recover from my difficulties, and dont want to fall back into any traps if that makes sense.

I am angry, thats for sure, but not in some crazy explosive way. More very bothered, and scared.

Peregrinus

Look, I think you're right. Even leaving your own issues aside, depression in either or both partners takes a terrible toll on the relationship. My inclination would be not to present this as an ultimatum ("seek treatment or I walk!") but as a positive step - emphasise the positives of the relationship, and that it's worth both of you giving it your best shot, which in her case involves getting treatment and support for her condition.

You don't say why she won't seek or accept treatment, given that she acknowledges that she has the condition. She may well be leery of drug therapy, which I get, but other approaches are available.

cena

Your girlfriend owes you nothing in telling you she has depression. It is up to her if wants help not for you to tell her what to do

Snugbugrug28

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118022583#Comment_118022583

I don't think it's fair to say the OP is harsh. That will just compound the feelings of guilt.

Whether you like it or not, no-one has a responsibility to be in a relationship with someone just to look after them (unless something developed after married etc). The OP has a right to date someone he feels good about and he has a right to do what's right for him not her.

manonboard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118022635#Comment_118022635

I'm not entirely sure why it has gone untreated for so long. I know there was a fear of drugs for the zombie effect. Since going on the anxiety medication (which i think is actually a form of depression medication), she had some negative side effects but they seem to be reducing and the anxiety being removed has certainly made things a lot more stable in her internal experiences.

She's been cool to me otherwise, and does thoughtful stuff, and has been pretty respecting of my boundaries. So i'm inclined to give it a go like. They may sound like simple things but to me, they still aren't easy to find in people (not that people don't try very hard, everyone tries hard imo).

I guess I'm just a bit scared, because this tends to be a dangerous area for me so i was trying to stay away from dynamics that i know would be very tricky for me to navigate healthily.

Maybe my 'ultimatum' was a bad idea. My other real life friend said the same thing. That it crossed over into my dysfunctional urges. That its another way of 'fixing' someone. To me it just felt like i was trying to assert a boundary and standard for where im ok and not ok with things.

We talked last night, and she said shed like to get it treated and like to get a therapist. I double checked its something she wants to do and not something she feels that its just because i want her to do it. Therapy never works unless the client is very interested in getting it to help.

Thanks for your input

thefallingman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118022623#Comment_118022623

sorry to hear that and yes i'm pretty much in the same boat, so much so that i have chosen to be single for years, it's the only way i can manage myself as worrying for others all the time really just puts me under. But it's lonely manonboard and that's the truth, anyway i wish you both the best i hope it works out.

km991148

Its early days and she told you. I would expect someone who has suffered depression to appreciate how difficult this was and show some empathy, however you seem more concerned about his this impacts you.

Having said that, it is a valid concern and maybe questioning whether or not the relationship is right is a good idea, for a number of reasons.

manonboard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118022675#Comment_118022675

Thanks very much for the input and the compassion. Hope you also continue your recovery and i hope the road becomes less lonely for you.

bucketybuck

All the bits about her not telling you seem to be a bit of red herring, in short the real issue is that due to your own history it would be really bad for you to be with somebody who has serious depression?

Because I think you already know the answer to that.

She has my sympathy but your life is important too and you already know where this ends up. If you would have said no at the start then you should be saying no now, so say it now and don't put yourself through the upcoming misery and strife.

silver2020

I don't see any anger in the OP's post. I certainly see fear and that is very warranted as the OP has experience of it.

The PMS/PMDD can be an excuse that people use to hide more serious underlying issues from both themselves and others and it can manifest itself. It then moves on to using menopause as the excuse to hide the underlying issue.

As you have experience of having mental health issues and have dealt with it, you are the ideal person to give her advice about it and likewise as you know how debilitating it is, you can also be open to her and say that continuing a relationship when she is not getting appropriate treatment / advice is not something you can see yourself doing in order to protect your own health.

But as peregrinus says, there are plenty of avenues to go down including a strong fitness regime, healthy eating and getting socially involved. The problem here is that sometimes you need the initial medication to get you to do these things.

But, as you seem to be thinking, you need to be selfish sometimes and look after yourself first

hawley

You say that you had depression years ago and you got over it, but a lot of people are stuck with it for their whole lives. It depends on the level of depression she has, some people are able to function quite well with it; it can take over a person's life in bad cases. If you're not happy with the relationship and it's not what you want, then I'd say end it.

Fandymo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058213233/girlfriend-had-untreated-depression-scares-me-a-bit

I’d walk away OP. She sounds like she’d be better off finding someone supportive, who’d help her with her problems, rather than someone giving her ultimatums and spouting off at them. Her medical issues are her own and none of your business unless it’s effecting your relationship, which it can’t have been as you hadn’t noticed in 4 months. So walk away, for her sake.

JimmyAlfonso

I think people need to get off the OP. The concerns are valid as this will have a significant impact on potentially the rest of his life and by the sounds of it detrimental if left untreated and even that has no guarantee of success. It will be a constant battle. We all have issues and we are not obliged to take on others issues unless willingly doing so.

I suspect you are the type of person like a lot of us to have difficulty identifying a 'sunk cost' and stay with things for far longer than you are happy to as the moments of light cover over all the darkness.

Picture yourself in this relationship going forward. Do you have happy thoughts or negative thoughts. Then act accordingly and don't change your mind.

silver2020

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118022789#Comment_118022789

WOW - I sincerely hope you never experience someone with any form of mental illness.

Sometimes ultimatums are needed as mental health can get progressively worse if not treated and something needs to be triggered for you to get help before it consumes you. Best for that trigger to come from someone close to you as they actually care and it can be the carrot for the person to get the help required.

The do-gooder "everything will be fine" approach does not work with mental health.

manonboard

Thanks for all the feedback and perspectives. I found all but one pretty well balanced. I understand that the topic can be close to the bone for people as we've all been affected by issues like this. I appreciate that people had mixed feelings and also those who had mostly feelings towards one side.

I'll be meeting my girlfriend this weekend on a preplanned visit for a couple of weeks. We will have plenty of time to talk about things. She'll understand my concerns and my fear, since it comes from a place of a lot of experience and understanding of my own flaws/weaknesses that i have to protect myself from. We will also acknowledge that things have been very largely going particularly well between us and thats very important, like she hasnt been putting pressure on me about it yet and has done a good job with boundaries.

Thanks alot for the help and the space for talking it out.

TheadoreT

How long distance is the relationship? Is it different parts of the same country long or different countries? Either way for me 2 months of dating before that doesn't sound like enough time to tie yourself down to such an inconvenience. You say you don't mind it but surely its never easy for anyone. But particularly someone with anxiety and depression I think it's a recipe for disaster for your girlfriend.

Henry Ford III

Anxiety and depression can ruin an otherwise very strong relationship.

It's a huge black cloud that's never far away, and when it is in the ascendancy you'll struggle and suffer too. Tread carefully OP, and look after yourself first.

SunnySundays

I spent years on a relationship with someone with anxiety and depression and tbh, I felt when it began to just drain me and everything I was so one sided. Depression is a bitch and I don't blame my ex as it's outside his control.

But the one thing I promised myself is that I will never have a relationship with someone who doesn't actively manage their mental health. If they decide to forgo treatment or medication or counselling I will be gone.

Call me selfish if you want but I can't do it again. If someone had a suspected cancerous lump and wouldn't seek treatment it would be the same before someone has a go at me.

Sometimes you can't support someone else because the impact on you is too much. Especially if that support isn't equally returned.

Housefree

Dude time to eject, it's early days cut her loose, her problems aren't yours

As far as I have seen it usually works out best that if one person in a relationship has been struggling with mental health issues that the other party is generally free of them, as much as a human can be. My Dad suffered depression all his life, my mother, who generally had very good mental health, understood this from the outset and she was built to make the necessary sacrifices and they were as well suited as could be possible under the circumstances. My Dad was a very good guy, but a terrible introvert and perpetually saw the dark side of things, my Mum, though no saint as she would say herself, did her best without complaint to cope, and she knew my Dad appreciated that. She knew the goodness in him. Had my Mum not been blessed with her nature and limited expectations it could have been disastrous. One party definitely needs to be, for want of a better term, a person who copes well with adversity even if it seems unbalanced/unequal.

manonboard

Hey Folks, OP here, I wanted to update you and share.

So its been a couple more months in. Things have been going pretty well. She's been very respectful towards me and made me feel respected at all times. That's a very big plus to me as its something i found hard to find. Respect and kindness are very important to me.

She's done a very good job managing her issues and I'm really proud of her.

Unfortunately though i decided to end things next week anyways (she has exams this week). Every now and again, out of no where. Stuff just got pretty crazy due to insecurities and i dont want to keep having the same conversations again and again. Stuff about my exes, if i find someone on the internet pretty, etc.. making odd comparisons n doubting the priority of the relationship for me. Those things hurt because i always try very hard. I put aside all our time in my schedule, i show up in an appropriate state, i support the little things each day, support the sad on the sad days and scared on the scared days. There is an erratic uncontrolled blooming of crazy stuff every now and again from the simplest little things. eg: Yesterday we could not find a suitable time to have our date due to opposite schedules that day and it turned into her saying wierd stuff about my ex, or me protecting my ex feelings, and her not being a priority. It was all a bit too crazy for me, because im moving in 3 days and i was just saying goodbye to a friend, which is why i couldnt move that around.

So even though I'm glad i stayed to see how things would be. She treated me well, but we are not compatible.

Im a little scared of making her doubt her progress and success at managing her difficult mental health issues. Shes come so far from her past stories and im really proud of her. Its just not something i think i can be happy with. It cant allow me to shape my days how i would like them to be.

manonboard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118023183#Comment_118023183

I think you turned out to be correct regards this. Even though she enjoyed many parts of the long distance (we are both quite independent orientated), i think the distance made it more likely for her mind to fester insecurity driven narratives that moved further from reasonable reality. I think if we were together in person, there would of been alot more top up physical assurance and proximity.

She lives in Scandinavia, i live in Ireland about to move to Portugal.

Im glad we gave it a try, she has been quite nice to me and never malicious. I felt like a priority and it was easy to trust her and be honest/real. The sex was very good and she was sweet to me consistently. I thought these things would be enough. I however, be it personality or timing, just dont have the capacity for the erratic difficulties that seem so far from how i perceive reality. Ive never experienced someone mentioning my exes before. That was new to me, and kind of confusing. Like they are my exes, i don't want to be with them that's why i broke up with them. They are in different countries etc.

Shes always very sorry after she re-collects herself, and thats kinda sad. I know she can see she was unreasonable after the event.. but during the event.. i wont allow myself to be consistently made out to be acting inappropriate, or having my intentions or priorities about my relationship reduced. My relationships are very very important to me. Everyone would always see that about me very quickly. It feels very undermining and its just not ok for me to experience that.

Dial Hard

I think you're both better off apart, tbh. Even taking the long distance out of the equation - and that's a huge issue in itself, imo - she clearly has issues and you seem to have a very clinical idea of what a relationship should be like. I'm not sure either of you was good for the other.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118238471#Comment_118238471

“Im a little scared of making her doubt her progress and success at managing her difficult mental health issues. Shes come so far from her past stories and im really proud of her. Its just not something i think i can be happy with. It cant allow me to shape my days how i would like them to be.”

She may have come a long way, but at the end of the day her behaviour still drove you away.

This might sound harsh but you are not responsible for her mental well-being, or how she copes with the break up.

Best of luck on your future move.

manonboard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118238759#Comment_118238759

Would you mind if i ask you for more of your thoughts on the clinical part?

I find feedback useful in things like this, and it can be hard to get. I know everything written is very much a tiny fraction of things, and its written logically as i could because its text, but i have autism, sometimes i miss things, so feedback is often quite useful to me.

Well i'm not sure how to measure good for the other. She made me feel quite good most of the time, and she was kind and respectful to me. I know shes got high thoughts of me and says i make her feel very safe, and that she really likes that i value her opinion on things alot, and that i seem to be very patient and accepting of differences with people etc. So it was overall a positive experience, and certainly quite low on the suffering part.

manonboard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118238871#Comment_118238871

Yes, and ill make sure not to take it on as my own. Of course, being a messy human, ill of course always be a bit emotionally hoping the people i meet really work out well for themselves and meet really great people that fit them. She was kind and respectful to me. It was nice. Thanks for the wishes.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118239583#Comment_118239583

You’re a better person than most of us so.

I hope you do manage to stay detached in case she reacts badly. Emotionally unstable people can be difficult to get away from, so be prepared to cut her off if you have to.

JoChervil

I agree with Dial Hard, you are not suitable for each other.

We only know, what you have told us, so very little. Yet you have said something.

eg: Yesterday we could not find a suitable time to have our date due to opposite schedules that day and it turned into her saying wierd stuff about my ex, or me protecting my ex feelings, and her not being a priority. It was all a bit too crazy for me, because im moving in 3 days and i was just saying goodbye to a friend, which is why i couldnt move that around.

You were not able to meet because you were meeting with your ex? Am I right?

Your girlfriend has exams this week, so is busy and probably last Sunday was her last free easy day, yet you couldn't reschedule things for your girlfriend convenience. Your ex convenience was more important for you.

Ive never experienced someone mentioning my exes before. That was new to me, and kind of confusing. Like they are my exes, i don't want to be with them that's why i broke up with them. They are in different countries etc.

So if you were meeting with your ex, so it was you, who mentioned your ex. She just followed up, that you preferred to meet with your ex, than with your girlfriend.

I think you see yourself as an ideal, doing everything right. But do you?

manonboard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118247877#Comment_118247877

Hey.

Noo not at all. My ex who I broke up with 2 years ago lives in a Finland as does my current girlfriend.

Im back in Ireland and I'm moving to portugal tomorrow. I was meeting an old friend to say goodbye. We had a time scheduled for dinner. Myself n my girlfriend had no time scheduled. I had 7 hours free before meeting my friend so I assumed we would have our online date during that time....but it seemed she assumed it would be in the evening.. I assumed it would be in the day time. So just different assumptions. To me that should just be a simple rearranging or just sad that a single date did not line up correctly. We have 2 to 3 dates every week n lots of little phone calls. Certainly not short of time for each other.

I wasn't in contact with my ex this week or even last week I think.

It turns out she meant I protected my ex because I once told my girlfriend when I broke up with my ex, I never tell her about my sex life with other women, until she got into a relationship n I knew she felt safe talking about her own. My gfs mind twisted this in some wierd way and made it scary for herself over the weekend. Even though that conversation was a few months ago. That's why I was very confused about that part because I had no idea what she was talking about.

Hope that answers your questions.

JoChervil

Ok, so I wrongly assumed. Your writing I find quite chaotic.

Yet you stay in touch with your ex. So your ex is present in your current life. In my view it is only natural that your girlfriend brings it in conversation. If you didn't stay in touch with your ex, I don't think it would be a topic worth discussing. But it is you, who is keeping this subject alive, not your girlfriend.

BTW I think discussing sex life with exes with current partner doesn't do any good.

Feets

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058213233/girlfriend-had-untreated-depression-scares-me-a-bit

It sounds like you can see what the next step is but you are not listening to your gut telling you to take it.

manonboard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118260460#Comment_118260460

Im actually doing it tomorrow. Just waiting until then because her exams were this week and she really needed some support during this week.

There was some further happenings which i detailed a few posts back.

Its ok. It will be all done by tomorrow. Its sad, but it makes sense. Im glad she treated me with respect and its unfortunate we were not more compatible in our weak points/capacities with each other.

Im a bit nervous and stressed tonight about it, because i know its going to be hurtful to her. Ill still do it, but its really unpleasant.

Thanks everyone for the support and guidance during this thread. It was much appreciated having a place to go to express when i needed to.