Loan repayment

faceman

I’ve been in a situation not to dissimilar but not far off it.

Three questions OP

1. Do you want the money back? (Yes or no)
2. Do you want to salvage the friendship? (It sounds like your friend doesn’t)
3. If you don’t get the money back are you happy to continue the friendship in its present form?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117997536#Comment_117997536

Not sure the underlying situation there, so hard to answer all questions. Naturally would prefer money back, but to me money should not be at any cost.

The only surprise I have after reading this is that, while quite a distance from you, she hasn't ghosted you? So, that indicates she does have an intention, at least, to pay you back.

However, do you need the money? You've not said you do. If not, then you need to 'read the room'.

This person has just gone through a move across the country, is an alcoholic, and has a 'friend' badgering her for money. So, what happened? You got a buzz out of being the knight in shining armour, but now that's in the past, and the ungrateful alcoholic cannot repay you your money... and you keep onto her about it.

I get you feel betrayed and let down, but if you are her friend, now realising she's an alcoholic give her more time. This may take time... assuming you don't need the money urgently - (even urgently you're not getting it soon).

As for her shredding what's left of her dignity to give you comfort, that's not easy to do with a friend. Much easier with a bank manager or such. The Facebook generation all have perfect lives, as evidenced by what they post on FB - it's hard to pivot and admit things aren't going well. She clearly knows she owes you.

Will she ever repay you? Hard to say, depends on her alcoholism. IF I was her and I couldn't repay it I'd probably ghost you. It would be best for her mental health.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117988820#Comment_117988820

There was indeed a digital virtually signed contract, albeit with built-in flexibility as I knew health could be a major issue. I even understood there might be a small possibility of not getting repaid, well if there proved to be a very serious condition developing. It was factored in. There has been sporadic engagement and mention of repaying within a year but none very recently in that I get she is lying very low for some specific reason. Located well south of me, so I wouldn’t be passing by etc.

Like many workers nowadays she had a contract job, but there was what I understood to be a cash temporary flow issue. That is, not quite enough savings built up to relocate south, with immediate expenses likely. But I don’t delve into friends’ financial matters, eg look at salaries and locked-in investments.. as far as I was concerned I was taking things on trust and goodwill. The way many of us do, and as I had no reason to know her fundamental character was anything was excellent, so although I gave thought I didn’t delay much in “approving”. I certainly didn’t imagine she would lie very low, as she had ironically mentioned having lent some relative a small amount and actually said very lightly and with a sense of joviality “haven’t heard from Mary in ages, you always know when people owe because they go into hiding, lol”.

I’ve fortunately never been in a position in life where I had to borrow off an individual (apart from, eg a bus fare!) but I can only imagine myself being pretty obsessive about repayment , or where I couldn’t I would keep person duly updated, the way I tend to be when I feel under obligation or when I’ve issued any pledge. I’m a person who does what I say, at almost any cost, and guess I may have unrealistic expectations of others in that kind of respect. I don’t understand the psychology of being any other way, I just don’t “get it”.

Oranage2

The problem with lending money is the best possible outcome is that you get your money back. Unless you really trust the person there's just no advantages to doing it.

Especially be wary of someone asking for money who you wouldn't be super close to. They've likely borrowed off their family and close friends and burnt them.

To the op, I'd just ring her and demand money, you might get some of it but chances are you'll get little to none, she probably owes thousands to others. In the end you'll just have to put it down as an expensive lesson.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, you are writing very long posts, trying to rationalise. Telling us what she told you. Telling us what you thought/assumed/expected.

All of it is irrelevant. You have said you discovered your friend is an alcoholic. She didn't suddenly become an alcoholic in the last few weeks. She didn't become an alcoholic since you loaned her money.

She has a drink problem. That drink problem will lead her to lie, manipulate, promise, beg, flatter, insult, avoid, lie a bit more etc.

You really don't "get it". Because you've never had to deal with this sort of person before. I'm not exactly sure what else you expect to get from posters here. The only advice anyone can really give you is to do a bit of research regarding alcoholism. And don't think you're different. Don't think you'll be able to fix her, that you'll be the one who gets through to her and makes her turn her life around.

People a lot closer to her than you will have tried, and failed. Ask for your money back. Directly. In person if possible. It's your only hope of recovering even some of it. You will never see it if you only send hints through texts.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117998901#Comment_117998901

I’ve been slightly more blunt about it in last email tbh, hence no reply. Yeah, know her as well as you might know any person with a drink issue (I don’t know many well tbh) in that she was often enough, but not always with a drink. Then said “I really shouldn’t be drinking as much as I do”, “I ought to cut down” “this will be my last drink” etc. The loan had been given before later “declarations”. Irish drinking culture, indeed my own enjoyment of a drink from time to time kind of “immunised” me against what turned out to be increasing alcolohic dysfunction. So easy in our culture to excuse it, not to ‘blame’ it either but to come to some realisation of the magnitude of it.

Looking at family history files, I came across something interesting. Great-great-grandfather died of alcoholism in his 30s, his get-go wife (who denied him a gravestone, since erected by younger generation) started a major family business to feed the children. His son, my great-grandfather, had his first drink and said “I enjoyed that way too much. First drink and last drink, I will not become my father”. He became a very successful business person.

A further online communication elucidated a date upon which I would started getting repaid. Apparently this said sent to me before in a very short SMS that got queued in a bundle of others… Bank transaction codes etc, which I quickly multiple deleted. SMS is not a great way to communicate important info that needs to be referenced longer term, email, WhatsApp etc much better. But at best of times, wouldn’t be adept at communication, and that’s an understatement. Don’t know how she carries out a job that actually depends on good communication and reporting, but that’s her employer’s concern, just so long as they pay her. Fingers crossed this is resolved. This kind of thing can put years on one. 🙄

qwerty13

At this stage, I just feel that you want her to abase herself.

So she DID contact you re repayments, but you deleted them. Honestly OP, I actually feel that you’re getting some element of smugness / feeling superior out of this.

And now you’ve started critiquing her work practices. I don’t even know what to say to you without getting carded.

Big Bag of Chips

I agree with qwerty and as a mod of the forum I should also be careful of what I say. But I will say this: your posts are full of unnecessary and flowery details. A lot of which seems to be aimed at how haphazard your friend is and how on top of it and organised you are in comparison. However, she sent you details. You ignored/deleted her texts and then complain of her method of communicating with you. Ignoring the fact that she attempted communication and you deleted it without reading. I assume this was also when you deleted the email that had the agreed payment date on it? So you deleted all texts and emails from her?

It really does sound like you want to make this as difficult as possible for her. By repeatedly asking her questions that she has already given you answers to. By deleting her communications and dismissing them. Even when they include (what you should consider to be) important information.

Do you carry out a good job that depends on good communication and reporting? Because you haven't demonstrated any of that in your dealings with your friend, and even your posts here are longwinded and containing a lot of irrelevant information. Your friend has made multiple attempts to communicate with you.

Set up a repayment plan. Let her pay you back the money and then leave her be. Unless you want to have her owing to you for the rest of her life?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118008800#Comment_118008800

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118008800#Comment_118008800

Short SMS messages arrive all the time into my inbox (eg 5 today) useful for bank transaction codes & the like, and I managed to delete that particular sole text as I was clearing the box of the other brief texts. Describe me as you will, you might describe me as having become a tad impatient and I make no apology for seeking to take care of my situation.

All I can say going forward I wouldn’t recommend sms to anybody as being the best forum for more important interpersonal communications. Unlike emails & other fora they are too apt to get lost or be perma-deleted.

Anyway hopefully sorted and lesson learned and chapter closed.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

As you've resolved your issue I don't think there's any more advice can be given at this stage.

Closing the thread in the circumstances.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to offer advice

HS