Relationship Cruel Ending

The Silver Branch

I went out with a girl for a year and broke up two months ago. I'm 40 and she was 5 years younger. She seemed really kind, good fun to be around etc. My parents and family met her a few times and thought she was a genuine person. She had my parents meet her parents, 40 miles away before the breakup. We both talked long term, family etc. She was always buying gifts, taking gifts to my mam's house and so on.

She broke up with me over the phone out of the blue 2 months ago. Straight away she blocked me on txt, whatsapp, facebook etc. No reason was given except on the breakup call 'her gut didn't feel that we were right'. During the week before she broke up she attended two events with me and was all smiles, one was the day before the break up phone call. A week before we broke up she booked a holiday in Barcelona with me. She kept going on about how she was looking forward to it, our first holiday abroad etc. I gave her my payment for the holiday. After the breakup she sent back half my €600 deposit, with a note saying it was all she could get back from the travel agents.

Last week I found out she had a name of a friend on the booking for Barcelona. My name was never on the ticket, but she kept €300. I also found out she had been dishonest about past relationships she had etc. Now I know I'm much better off without her and I'll heal in time. But it's an awful feeling having your dreams shattered when you completely trust someone. Yet my whole family thought she was genuine.

hawley

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058210983/relationship-cruel-ending

First of all, what happened to you was horrible. I don't think that you've done anything wrong, so your conscience can be clear. It seems odd that she would put her friend's name on the travel documents whilst telling you that you're due to travel with her. Her behavior seems very odd, it's hard to see what she's gaining by lying to you about her past relationships. Was there a difference in what you saw as the future of the relationship? Did she let you know that she was having doubts?

The Silver Branch

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117954924#Comment_117954924

Thanks for the sincere reply. I appreciate it.

The lying seems narcissistic/sociopathic. No she never said anything about doubts. She was out with me the night before the breakup and full of laughs. Said she had the same goals, we were always very comfortable with one another.

hawley

You could spend the next six months trying to figure it out, and still be in the same place. I genuinely think that she must have been pretty into you. She wouldn't have organized both sets of parents to meet otherwise. They will be questioning her about what happened too. You can't let this stop you from trying to see someone else.

The Silver Branch

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117955033#Comment_117955033

Absolutely. Have to move on.

Padre_Pio

It's best to draw a line under this experience and move on.

You'll wreck yourself if you try to analyse it and do the "what did I do wrong? what could I have done differently?".

It doesn't matter and will benefit no one.

Just be happy that it's done and move forward.

Squatman

small claims courts, and sue for your 300 back. you wont need to show up, and she probably wont either. but she will know you know.

Atlantic Dawn

If €300 is the end of her then it was worth it, would have been much more carnage down the road.

The Silver Branch

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117955177#Comment_117955177

Exactly. I wouldn't invest any more effort, with regards to small claims etc. I just need to move on. Married with kids and she walked out would be 100 times worse than I felt the last few months.

I know I'm human and capable of a loving relationship by feeling hurt. Probably more than can be said for her.

bucketybuck

I'd pay €300 to know for sure that somebody was a piece of work.

Imagine she got in touch again in 6 months saying she missed you or wanted to try again, because it suited her for whatever reason. Maybe you would have considered it, listened to her saying she was just confused or some such nonsense and wondering to yourself if you should try again.

But now you know how calculating she really is and that you cannot trust her, it should make it a really easy phone call. There is value in that.

The Silver Branch

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117957650#Comment_117957650

Huge value in knowing. Because I was questioning myself and while I'm still hurting a bit it will pass knowing the schemer she is.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117954938#Comment_117954938

It doesn't seem narcissistic/sociopathic at all. This is like a modern day trope for everyone on the dumped side of a relationship who can't deal with the rejection. What she did certainly wasn't great but we're obviously only seeing your side, but little to nothing here to suggest a mental condition.

If I met someone and they told me their ex was a narcissist I'd run a mile. People who **** talk their ex's and blame them for everything usually lack any sort self awareness or emotional intelligence.

The relationship clearly wasn't as rosey as you're making it out to be. Happy people don't end relationships. So either you're omitting a lot of context or are a little blind to cues.

This might feel a little harsh but the blindsided good guy narrative just feels unrealistic and a more introspective approach may help you with future relationships.

The Silver Branch

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117957880#Comment_117957880

Well if she keeps telling you daily she's so happy and lucky to meet you, tells her family, who say it back to you, what are you supposed to make of it. My emotional IQ has and always has been good.

CaitCat

'her gut didn't feel that we were right' - she was up to no good.

Sounds like you had a lucky escape. One of my friends stayed with someone like that and ended up £50k in debt and almost losing her parent's home (he was taking loans out in her name and used the house as collateral). She ended up bankrupt and having a breakdown, but is OK now.

Know that she isn't typical of most women and that you will find love again.

The Silver Branch

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117957946#Comment_117957946

I'm very sorry to hear about your friend.

Yes. She was laughing, joking the night before. If it makes any sense she seemed too perfect.

Thanks.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117957927#Comment_117957927

What's the dishonesty about past relationships part about and why does it matter?

The Silver Branch

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117957975#Comment_117957975

What's the lying about putting my name on a ticket for Barcelona and taking my money about?

Something in my post has upset you.

If you say you had no serious relationship and had several very long term ones that's dishonest.

By the way I've never called anyone a narcissist in my life before. All my exs were very decent people.

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058210983/relationship-cruel-ending

Lucky escape

spaceHopper

There is nothing you can do except move on I wouldn't even out her for scamming you at this stage she'll have plenty of excuses.

I'd be more worried about what she could be saying to other people about why she abruptly broke up with you.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117957992#Comment_117957992

I'm not defending her cruel final actions at all. But you don't enter a 1 year relationship as a master plan to steal 300 quid off someone.

Nothing has upset me but you're painting yourself as all too innocent and her as a psychotic villian. I'm doubtful it was this black and white and you're getting defensive when questioned.

Does the number/length of your girlfriends ex's bother you? Perhaps despite the length of relationship they weren't "serious" in her eyes and she's telling the truth in that regard. Still unsure why it matters tbh.

The Silver Branch

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117958056#Comment_117958056

I think you're the only one with the contrarian views. Sometimes things are quite black and white, be it on the male or female side.

Saying someone doesn't enter a relationship to steal 300 quid is a nice sound bite. But that action reveals a lot about a character. Having lived with partners for over a year is serious in my book, certainly not 'i only had a few non serious relationships for a few months'. Totally dishonest.

Look I'm not engaging any further with your cross examination as you seem to fancy yourself as the resident agony aunt, looking at some of your posts. We all know when we do wrong, by the same token we know when we have a clear conscience.

She’s not a very nice person, and she’ll work her way through a series of poor unsuspecting sods. People like her should could either a health warning.

corner of hells

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117958005#Comment_117958005

I'll second that , definitely a lucky escape.

hawley

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117958099#Comment_117958099

Would you think that she was having doubts when she booked the tickets? She must have been a bit unsure about the relationship. She obviously spent the last few weeks thinking about it. I wouldn't be surprised if she was seeing a guy before she ended with you.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117958099#Comment_117958099

Massively defensive again. You won't even begin to entertain the idea you may have been even 1% at fault for the relationships failure.

Why did you open the thread? For people to clarify your notion that your ex is evil and not question anything? It doesn't work like that and your resistance to being introspective about it only proves my point you need to work on this aspect as hard as that may be. Nothing is gained by getting false validation that she's a psycho and you're great.

The Silver Branch

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117958144#Comment_117958144

She booked it a week before, rang me in work telling me how excited she was about our first holiday abroad. I don't know, could have had someone else.

The Silver Branch

There are other things I could say here, but naturally I don't want to be identified.

I suppose you open a thread like this to write/type things down, hoping it'll be cathartic.

Jequ0n

Look, you wasted a year of your life on someone who wasn’t who you thought she was. This could have ended far worse and you had a lucky escape, even if it doesn’t feel like it now.

It is probably natural to question everything now, but truth is you will never find out what was real and what wasn’t.

Could she be a narcissist/ sociopath/ unicorn? Maybe, nobody will be able to answer that, and even if they could it wouldn’t help you in the slightest.

Diagnosing her with anything will also not help you, so allow yourself to be angry and make sure never to engage with her again. As others said she might be back in a few months time to test the waters.

bucketybuck

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117958201#Comment_117958201

Don't worry about your man, he came in looking to take the contrary view.

Main thing is to look to yourself. Forget her and what she did, you will never really know the full story and what was in her head and lets be honest, it doesn't actually matter. You could have every gory detail in front of you right now, all the rights and wrongs and who did this or that and it wouldn't matter very much, you would be in the exact same situation, she is the past and you have your future.

The Silver Branch

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117958256#Comment_117958256

Thanks very much. Appreciate that.

I'm not perfect. But I do my best to treat people well. Best of luck to her and hope she finds happiness.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117958256#Comment_117958256

There's zero personal growth to be had from his current take away from the relationship and that's not healthy.

It's extremely rare anyone ever thinks they’re fully to blame for a relationship failing. Even an adulterer will usually have plenty of reason for what led them to that point, a lot of which will be flawed but there's usually small elements of truth to it. A 100% - 0% blame divide just isn't realistic in reality, and even in those rare circumstances the 0% would be such a walkover they ignored many red flags along the way making respect for them hard to garner.

When I was younger I had a relationship end in quite a similar manner. My take away from it at the time was that I was the "nice" guy and she was a cold hearted bitch. We're both happy in relationships now but I met her recently and she noticed a lot of positive changes in me and made some astute observations that I had learned myself over time. I wouldn't have been open to hearing them at the time as my persona was wrapped in being that nice guy which is an intimidating pedestal for any partner to live up to.

B.A._Baracus

I know it's a clichéd response, however it does sound like you dodged a bullet.

To me, it sounds like she's either half mad as no normal sane person books a holiday a week before randomly breaking up with someone. If not that then she's slippery as a snake. All smiles and making plans while she was thinking / gearing up to break up with you. Into using someone territory then.

To be honest it sounds like the veil dropped and the real person came out. Surprised it took a year. However as you say you and your family thought she was genuine. Maybe just good at hiding her real self. To a point of course as here we are.

Ps, not that it matters but I reckon the 600 was the money she got from her mate to go on the holiday. Surprised she gave it to you.

The Silver Branch

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117959210#Comment_117959210

Thanks. Yes she gave half the 600 back.

B.A._Baracus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117959324#Comment_117959324

Oh sorry, I read that wrong. Thought it was 600 given back with 300 missing (900 in total) I get you now. Ah, nothing you can do man. I know you're probably hurting a little (hence the thread) but you'll be fine in time. Sure with 7+ billion people on this planet, cruel and messy breakups happen every day of the week.

The Silver Branch

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117959347#Comment_117959347

They surely do! Live and learn! Onwards and upwards.

Pussyhands

Very strange situation. A year is quite a length of time to be seeing someone for them to just suddenly cut all ties overnight.

OP how much time would you have spent with them each week? Are they local?

She knows she fcuked up and didn't want to explain herself, that's why she blocked you on everything. Dirty individual.

The Silver Branch

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117959381#Comment_117959381

Would generally meet 2 full days a week. 50 miles away.

B.A._Baracus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117959396#Comment_117959396

A fair distance. Towards the end was it you making the trip to see her and not the other way round?

The Silver Branch

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117959438#Comment_117959438

In fairness 50/50. It had never been a problem for her or me.

The Silver Branch

I'm going to ask to close the thread as there aren't really any answers. Believe me I was very introspective and beating myself up on every part of mine in the relationship.

But the coldness of the discard and finding out that she booked a holiday under a friend's name, with my money going halves on it, a week before breaking up led me to be less harsh on myself.

Why open a thread here, type it out, let it be cathartic. But what's done is done. I don't know her reasons, I never will. Time to make a fresh start.

So whoever closes these threads, feel free to do so.

Thanks to everyone for the kind words and contributions. It could be a lot worse.