Finding it difficult to deal with elderly mother

babyboom

My mother is 94 and lives alone. She has four visits a day from carers to prepare meals and help her in and out of bed. Everything else is my responsibility. She lives in one room as her mobility is more or less gone, has a commode, bed, tv etc in the one room. I do her shopping, pay her bills, her banking, her appointments, her cleaning and anything else that may arise. I have two siblings who do not live in the same county and are not around to help out. I'm finding the responsibility is really getting to me. I've been looking after her since my father died nearly 20 years ago. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't already have a difficult relationship with her. Because of things she's done and said in the past, I find I resent my role as care giver. I also resent the fact that she has taken me away from my own family so much. I have three children still living at home. My eldest suffers from quite severe depression and self harms, the middle one needs constant reassurance from me about everything and the youngest has learning difficulties. I'm finding it harder and harder to cope and I feel like I've nothing left for myself or my partner any more. I feel my mother should be in a care home at this stage. She cannot look after herself. She's in adult nappies during the day and at night. She really only uses the commode when I'm there. Her sight and her hearing are both almost gone and she's miserable. However, because her mind is sound, she has the ultimate say on what happens and she doesn't want to go into care. I feel like I'm trapped and I resent the fact that she won't make a decision that could make everybody's life easier all round. I've also found it's affected my relationship with my siblings as they've had the freedom to enjoy their lives without this constantly hanging over them. I don't really know what advice I'm looking for. I just feel desperate at this stage and find no joy in anything any more and I don't want to live like this. I hope I don't come across as selfish and uncaring. I do my best for my mother but I feel I've reached the end of the road here and just don't know what to do.

ec18

You've three options really,

1 convince her to go to a home. If she has no mobility, sight or hearing and is in adult diapers the whole time then she isn't capable of caring for herself and you maybe able to get an order for her to go to a home

2 get the siblings to help. How's your relationship with them? could they do a night a day a weekend each?

3 This isn't the nicest but take some time back for you and your family. Don't visit your mother some days after 20 years there is nothing to feel guilty about for taking some time back for yourself to look after your family.

Otherwise nothing will change

NSAman

I applaud you. What you are doing is amazing. I am one of the absent siblings with an elderly mother whose other siblings are,looking after her. You need a break. Whether your siblings like it or not, they are being selfish. I come home and give my siblings a break, when i come home next, I shall come home for twice as long, leaving my siblings to be able to have time to themselves.

In my view, your overseas siblings should be assisting you with this. I know it is not easy for you and I really feel you need a break. Have you taken the carers break with your mam? I know they do not want to go into a care home even for a short period. You absolutely need a break for yourself and YOUR family. Don't resent your siblings, tell them that they need to sort out time to look after her, you are important too. If it means they take their holidays for the job, then so be it!

Having looked after dad for many many many years who was totally paralysed, my family are used to working together to help our parents. Your family needs to do the same. YOU NEED A BREAK FROM THIS !!! I understand completely where you are coming from!

Hats off to you for doing this for your mother!

You do not come across remotely unselfish or uncaring. If you don’t look after your own mental and physical health you will be no good at all to your mother, always remember that. My own mother lived to 89, was frail but thankfully ok enough to live with me at home, and she did suggest to “go in somewhere to give you freedom”. Fortunately I was able to bring her on holidays etc in a wheelchair and there was only myself as I had no siblings. She died relatively suddenly from a hospital acquired infection after a bit of a back injury.

But I have huge empathy for anyone caring for an elderly/sick loved one, and breaks are needed. Fortunately things never came to a head regarding my mother needing residential care, but she wasn’t far off that point and I constantly worried about it.

You have to do what is needed for your situation and you should not feel guilty about it. But when it comes to our parents we can’t seem to help feeling guilty!

893bet

It’s tough situation. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

babyboom

Thank you all. I really appreciate all the kind responses. I think I need to take some time back for myself and become more assertive with my siblings. I've approached them before but didn't get much support. They're both in their 60s whereas I'm in my early 50s so I think they feel I'm more up to the job. But I've been doing it since my 30s, I think I've earned a break! Thanks again for the kind words and advice.

Widdensushi

Getting awkward and selfish is a symptom of dementia, you might start seeing some other signs soon

HildaOgdenx

The siblings should, at least, be making sure to give you a break, at weekends, or something, but it sounds like they are quite content with things as they are, unfortunately, letting you do everything.

You know the expression about not being able to pour from an empty cup. You really need support and a break.

Is there anyone you could speak to, in relation to options for respite care? Your GP, or the Public Health Nurse, if there is one.

Jequ0n

I'm sorry OP, but why do you put so much pressure on yourself? It sounds like you have put your mother's interest before your own for a long time, and that you have reached breaking point now. Nothing wrong with that.

Why do you carry all of the burden, and why don't your siblings help out at equal measures? What is their excuse apart from the physical distance?

Why do you think your mother's stubborn desire to stay in her own house outweighs your own quality of life?

People are creatures of habit, and they don't want change. This probably applies to both your mother and yourself. So she wants to stay in her own home, while having no quality of life apart from her familiar surroundings. On the contrary she could have some quality of life in slightly different surroundings, including knowing that she is safe and sound, whilst having entertainment and reasons to bicker.

Get your siblings together and come up with a finance plan to arrange for a good home. They are not prisons, but facilities that ensure adequate and respectful treatment of their residents.

Squatman

i reckon, as others have said, talk to your brothers. as a nuclear option, call them up and say you have been tested positive for covid, and need to sat away for the next 2 weeks. this would allow you to intervene if necessary, but also, it would allow you to test out your mothers support network. just a hair-brained idea. but for sure, you need to look after numero uno. if your mother was of sound mind, she would say the same.

Curry Addict

@babyboom i feel your dispair and it is not fair on yourself, husband and kids. You all suffer need more than this. Its not supportable anymore foreverones sakes. Its really hard to see clearly in your situation. Maybe trun the focus to moving her to into care regardless, i think it is best all round. I think you are justified in pushing this agend.

babyboom

I had respite lined up a few months ago and she refused to go. She had a short stay in a nursing home after an illness about three years ago and she caused so much trouble the manager rang and asked me to take her home. She has fallen out with several carers. She has always been a difficult woman but it's become a lot worse in the last few years.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117951816#Comment_117951816

A nursing home asked for her to be picked up again? I doubt it was because she was too much trouble, but because she was more trouble than you had paid for.

Faith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117951816#Comment_117951816

when was she last seen by her GP? Has she ever been seen by a neurologist or anything? Increasingly aggressive and rigid behaviours can be a sign of some forms of dementia, typically ones where memory isn’t obviously affected straight away so it can be missed if people are only looking for memory loss as a red flag.

i ask because you refer to her being “sound of mind”, but I’m wondering if that’s been formally assessed recently or if you’re just assuming. If it’s the latter, I’d be speaking to her GP about the challenging behaviours and asking for them to help.

mohawk

Your siblings might not be in the same county, but why can’t they take turns at the weekend and give you a break. They are being selfish to be quite honest.

You could become quite ill yourself with the stress of it all.

Tell your siblings you need support make up a medical procedure that would put you out of action for a few days if you have to.

You have my sympathies OP difficult mothers don’t get any easier with age.

irishgrover

I would share your opening post with your siblings, and add one line "I need your help".

It sounds like you are doing an exceptional job but need and should demand more help from your siblings.

babyboom

Thanks everyone. Spoke to one sibling this morning and they've agreed to come up next week. They're going to broach the nursing home topic with mam. She's more inclined to listen to them rather than me. Fingers crossed this might be the beginning of some positive changes. Thanks again for all the advice and support.

HildaOgdenx

Good to hear. I think it's important to make it clear, to your siblings and your mother, that your own health is suffering, in all of this. And it is, and it will, if things don't change.

I know it has been raised upthread, but I reiterate, it's important that your mother gets an up to date medical assessment also. Perhaps worth mentioning to the sibling that is coming to visit.

Mind yourself.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

@BobbyBingo sending PMs on foot of a thread here is strictly against the Charter in Personal Issues.

OP, although it may be well intentioned if you receive a PM on foot of a thread here, please report it.

Thanks

HS

Mad_maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058210819/finding-it-difficult-to-deal-with-elderly-mother

Give yourself some slack ,you are not selfish at all, my mother in law took care of her mother ( 93 ) for circa four years until eventually the family made the decision to place her in a home , she was a danger to herself by the end.

ztoical

OP this sounds almost word for word like what happened with my Grandmother. She passed away this year at 96 but the last few years were very tough on everyone. She wanted to stay living on her own but didn't want any help coming that wasn't family. My mother (who is a GP) went to stay with her for 2 weeks and they were screaming at each other day and night and my mum was so upset with some of things said to her. Like your mother she was only breaking down from the neck downwards, her mind was still very sharp so we couldn't force her into a home. She kept having falls and ending up in hospital so it came to a head with a family meeting of all the siblings and she was given two options - go into a home or move into a room with one of my aunts but she would have careers coming to look after her during the day as my aunt was working. She agreed, moved into my aunts and then almost most straight away tried to cancel the careers and have my aunt look after her 24/7. Another meeting with most of the siblings and told she would be going to a home so if she couldn't have the careers in. She mellowed very quickly after that. She was abusive to some of the careers but we got one no nonsense nurse who came 3 times a week who kind of put her in her place and the last year we had with her was at least pleasant for everyone.

You need a untied front of all the family to deal with her and she has to be given final ultimatums for her options

BobbyBingo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117956791#Comment_117956791

Was well intentioned and was unaware of rule. Apologies and noted.

B

ElizaBennett

As others have said, I believe you need to insist on help from your siblings. That means taking out the calendar and dividing things up or at least marking dates where they will step in, and on a regular basis not occasionally. Tell them it's non negotiable and you're at your limit. If their kids are adults or they don't have any, then bring that up too. You have too many responsibilities and it's totally unfair. I really feel for you.

Baybay

It’s a wonderful thing you’re doing & in times ahead it will be a source of comfort. Not much help now, I know.

Engage with your / her gp. Please don’t, as was suggested in an earlier post, take a day where you don’t see her. Diaper problems aren’t good for any concerned! Talk to the doctor & explain her care issues, impairments & probable fear of residential care. Ladies of that age typically have a fear of going to a home anyway & perhaps with Covid, it’s all playing on her mind. Ask the gp how to get the ball rolling for residential care & while waiting for that, more home help. Tell her that while you love her, you need a bit of a rest & she needs someone to talk to so some time in a residential environment is what’s been organised, doctor recommended. A white lie might ease things. Coming home can always be an option if some undefined future but she may find she’ll be happy with routine & more people around.

And, be kind to yourself.

Skibunny77

It is shocking how many people assume someone can simply be coerced into moving into a nursing home! OP, unless your mother has lost capacity, (and nothing you say indicates that she cannot make her own decisions, but ask your mum if she would attend her Gp if you have concerns re her memory), she is 100% entitled to live in her own home. She is not entitled to assume you do not have limits. You are allowed to say you have reached your limits and can do no more. You need to decide what works in your life, how much or how little care you can provide and be clear with your mother around this. Then ask her what she wants. Does she want to use any savings/remortgage her home to pay privately for a live in carer? Or additional carers? Would she prefer to consider nursing home care?

The answer to you feeling overloaded with carer stress is not to coerce your mother into a nursing home. The answer is to be upfront and treat your mother like an adult who can then make an informed decision about her future. Some people are far happier to live in their own home, with higher risks of injury and premature death, than move to a nursing home where they are physically safe but may be emotionally very unhappy. Older people are entitled to make choices that include risk. As one doctor I know says - we never try to intervene when people in mid life want to undertake risky activities like climbing Mt Everest but somehow feel we can take over when an older person wants to try to live independently despite risk of falls etc!

If your mother is open to considering a nursing home, she might want to try respite first. Contact your local primary care social worker and see what support he/she can offer.

Flinty997

The respite experience in my opinion is quite different to being in the nursing home proper.

That said it's intended to give respite to the care giver at home and the op should definitely do that.

babyboom

OP here. Since I last posted things have escalated a bit. Mam's new carer called in sick at short notice and a previous carer had to step in. I spoke to the carer later and she told me, confidentially, that she had to stop caring for my mother as she was so difficult and she suspects the same thing is going to happen with the new carer. I've spoken to the PHN and we're getting a social worker involved as I don't have any options left now. I'm very stressed and am not feeling well myself so I really need this situation resolved to everyone's satisfaction ( although I suspect my mother won't be happy no matter what). I'm not trying to shove her into a nursing home against her will but I so need my life back and I think I've done enough at this stage.

Holy crap, I read "Country" when you were discussing your siblings. They are in a different COUNTY? This is one of the most selfish things I have read on here. 20 years you have been doing this?

You need to take your own life back. There is a time where you finally have to say that a nursing home is the only option.

Chris_5339762

Just bear in mind (and I hate to say this) but when she dies, there is a fair chance that her will could say "distribute my assets equally amongst the siblings" rather than give you any preference because she lived with you and you cared for her. Think of this in terms of housing/accomodation in the future.

Its a horrible thing to have to think about and consider but the stress/trauma of having the first option thrown on you in a solicitors office.

Of course that could be years away and your priority is to ensure you are ok and then that she is ok. But just bear it in mind.

babyboom

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118012908#Comment_118012908

Sorry if I gave the wrong impression. She lives alone in her own house. I don't care about the will. I'd gladly walk away with nothing but my sanity.

ohnonotgmail

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118012932#Comment_118012932

would you consider that? Just walking away, if only for a week or two.

Skibunny77

Op, very positive that you have made a decision about your limits. A word of warning - hold that line with your mother and professionals. As a home owner, she has options about using the asset to finance home care, if she is adamant that she won't accept nursing home care. It isn't unusual to have a cycle of carers for someone who is challenging to work with - this is up to the social worker, phn and most importantly your mother to figure out.

You need to stick to your red line with your mum and the professionals around her, you can no longer be part of her care arrangement for your own mental health and well being. I hope you feel some relief now.

Danzy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058210819/finding-it-difficult-to-deal-with-elderly-mother

You are a trooper and have gone above and beyond the call of duty.

You need to put focus back on your self and your family.

You have done more than the very most of people would or could.