Mutual hobby after breakup

T4two

We broke up earlier this year after 5 years together. We both have been in a hobby club for all these years. I've heard he's been back but only a couple of times. I haven't been at all. I can't explain why but I just can't face it. It took me about six months to stop crying over the breakup and I really don't want to see him or hear anything about him. Friends have said I shouldn't let him 'win' but I don't really see it like this; I'm trying to do what's best for me and I think that means leaving. Anyone else been in a similar situation? Should I return/ leave/ give it more time to see how I feel?

manonboard

You're friends are wrong. There is no winning or losing. You're not enemies. You're just hurt n scared.

Op if you feel you are not ready to go back. Dont go back. As time passes. You will feel less affected by the idea of seeing him again.. you can choose to go back then.

I don't know what your dynamics are like so it's hard to comment more than that.

It's worth mentioning that it's going going to be hard the first interactions. If you still feel like information about him would be hurtful.. it's probably too soon for you still. Information can come from nowhere so easily so play it safe.

You can revisit the situation every couple of months until it suits you.

5 years is a very serious relationship. Don't rush yourself. That's huge thing to get over. Keep making decisions to benefit yourself and increase healthy pleasure in your life. It dramatically aids the healing process.

Dial Hard

I wouldn't see it in terms of "winning" (implying, obviously that there's also a "loser"), but rather what's the best thing that you can do for yourself right now? If you know you'll go straight back to square one as soon as you see him, then staying away for now is best, imo.

When you feel a bit stronger you can decide then what you want to do - go back, go back on days when you know he won't be participating (if that's feasible) or maybe just join another club altogether. It's all entirely up to you but you don't need to decide anything right now and you certainly don't have to take a particular course of action just because your friends think you should.

rolling boh

Sounds like you should give it a bit more time don't give up on the hobby in question though easy enough for others to say do or don't do something you will know the time to return to the same club or a different one if you want a complete change good luck .

Big Bag of Chips

I think your friends are well meaning, but don't get it! They don't understand the 5 year history, the feelings, the emotion, the loss.

They don't have the emotional investment and history that you have. They're just trying to help by encouraging you to go back to normal. But things aren't normal. Not yet.

There's no rule book. There's no time line for when you should or shouldn't do something. But in saying that there's a lot of merit in the "fake it til you make it" phrase! If you really enjoyed the hobby, if you'd like to get back to it, then psych yourself up, stick on a smile and go! Your ex might not be there. Or he might, but so will lots of others. The more you go, the easier it will become. Some days will be easier than others. But these days we all could do with distraction and light relief. Life is pretty tough for lots of people. Don't hide away from what you enjoy for too long. Getting back doing what you enjoy doing will be the best healer for you.

T4two

To be honest, I don't feel like going back at all at the moment. It's something I can do myself alone so I think I'll just do that for the moment as I don't really feel like joining another club right now. I suppose I'm just angry at him returning after the cold and heartless way he ended our relationship.

ztoical

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117945985#Comment_117945985

I understand feeling angry OP, it was a long relationship and sounds like you are still dealing with the breakup but you can't control other people and don't know the motivations of others. His friends may have pushed him to 'move on' etc so he went or he thought himself that going would help him get back to 'normal' while you feel the opposite. He may have found it helped or may have found it didn't but at the end of the day it doesn't matter. Ignore him, focus on you. Don't force yourself to go back because of others (your ex or your friends).

Salient Verb

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058210472/mutual-hobby-after-breakup

I do a hobby quite seriously and have done for a number of years. In this time, I've had a couple of breakups and also seen other people have multiple break ups. Generally, the done thing is for one party to move clubs and still do the hobby but in a different area/set. If its a competitive hobby, its quite easy to avoid each other at competitions and also you're surrounded by other people. For some reason, from what I've noticed, its usually the man who moves to another club. Maybe to avoid any allegations of stalking the ex or still being obsessed with her, or just to make a clean break.

I've also seen a lot of breakups where one party gives up the hobby completely. Not sure why that is, maybe they were doing the hobby to meet a partner in the first place.

I would say that if you really like the hobby, joining another club is a really beneficial thing to do.

If its a running club, a lot of them can be ... strange. Seems to go with the territory!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058210472/mutual-hobby-after-breakup

Suggest return and carry on.. it will be healing in its own way.. IF you feel you cannot I suggest joining a similar club the next town over for example

T4two

Thanks for the advice. Yes, it's a running club. I'm feeling a bit down it this week as a mutual friend told me they're going away for the weekend. He's not going to leave. I think what I'll end up doing is leaving it a while and then joining another club, but it's not something I feel like doing right now. I feel I need a bit of time out, if that makes sense. Even though I don't want him back, I also feel a sadness over this, but I know in time it'll pass.

T4two

I mean members of the club are going away to a different county to run.

Tell me how

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118055457#Comment_118055457

Even though I don't want him back, I also feel a sadness over this, but I know in time it'll pass.

Yore doing very well. You know what you want, you are acknowledging that you are still upset and you know that time will help with the healing.

I think you are also pragmatic in considering joining another club. Not ideal as you probably have other friends aside from your ex in the original club but probably best approach all round. Keep prioritising how you feel, you're the most important person in all of this.

Diemos

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117945985#Comment_117945985

As others have said your friend are well meaning but wrong.

Also sometimes a share hobby loses it's shine after a break up, your frame of reference changes and it just doesn't hold the same spark for you it once did.

Secondly about an ex picking up quickly, sometimes people do their grieving for the relationship while still in the relationship, sometimes they are just trying to make it work without realising their heart is no longer in it, sometimes they are cowards and hold on to someone until a new opportunity comes along and then drop them. Took me a LONG time to figure that one out. Either way it doesn't mean that they never cared.

T4two

Diemos, what you say is how I'm feeling now about it losing its shine somewhat - lots of good memories over the years, but sad ones also now.

T4two

So I still haven't made a decision yet, just taking my time as don't feel ready to do anything. However, the annual subscription is due shortly and if I don't pay I'll no longer receive notifications of runs etc, which will be a good thing if I decide not to return. However, if I do pay and decide not to return, I'll be able to see info about the runs etc, which won't do me any good if I'm not going back. Any advice much appreciated.

Big Bag of Chips

Nobody can really advise, to be honest. It will come down to your own personal choice.

How about you don't renew your subscription yet. Wait until after Christmas, February, and if you think then that you're ready to go back join up again at that stage. If you decide you don't want to, then decision made.

Tell me how

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118182521#Comment_118182521

I would suggest to make the decision that you are not renewing the subscription and opt out. Psychologically this should help you accept that you are moving past this experience which I think would help you in other ways.

As BBoC says if you want to go back in Jan/Feb, they're not going to refuse you. But in the meantime, feeling that there is no link to the past, can only be a good thing in my view.

T4two

Tell me how, You make a good point there and that's actually the way I'm swaying now.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058210472/mutual-hobby-after-breakup

I'm literally in this situation, but broken up a bit longer. I just decided it would be too awkward/painful for me to go back with her there. It's not about her winning, it's about protecting myself.

Put yourself first. There's other activities/groups out there. 🙂

T4two

Thanks, all. I've made a decision now that I'm not renewing for the moment and I actually feel a bit of relief, not sadness. I may regret it and change my mind, but at the moment I need to not know what's going on in the club.

T4two

So after months of just running by myself or with a friend from the old club, I've decided I miss being in a club and am now thinking of joining another. Until recently I was adamant I didn't want to join another one but now I am thinking it might be good for me, because I have been feeling a bit down when I know the old one is training etc and it might stop me moping a bit. However, I know I'm going to miss the gang from the old club and it feels a bit strange and still a bit upsetting and some have encouraged me to return, but I just feel I can't. I have had a lot of anxiety, but hope I'm now making the right decision for myself.

rolling boh

Think you are making the right descision you may meet some great people in the new club that will make it easier best of luck .

T4two

So I bit the bullet and had my first outing with the new club on Saturday, even though members of the old club had encouraged me to return. Felt a bit sad and angry that it's me having to start from scratch again, but I did enjoy it and it's a new start, I suppose, and not wondering if/when he'll show up, which would take away my enjoyment.

T4two

Just thought I'd update and seek a little advice. I've gone on 5 runs now with the new club but feel I've not really gelled with them yet. They've been welcoming enough but are quite cliquey. I couldn't muster up the enthusiasm to go out with them on Saturday so I just went on my own. Last night I was dreaming about my old club!

I suppose I'm wondering should I give it more time?

Tork

What do you have to lose by sticking with the new club? From what I remember of another thread or two you've had here, your relationship with your ex was toxic and perhaps you are not yet over the break-up. He doesn't sound like somebody you should have in your life, so going back to the old club could do you a lot of damage. Unless you secretly want to get back with him?

T4two

Just what I need to hear, Tork, thank you. You always give great advice. No, I want nothing to do with him, haven't seen him and don't want to - that's why I haven't returned. Certainly would never get back with him. Doesn't mean the whole club thing was easy though.

Tork

It's very understandable why you feel like this. Getting to make friends in a few club can take time, especially if there are long-standing cliques in it. It's harder for you because you were happy with your old running club and wouldn't have left if it wasn't for your ex. Maybe it would be helpful to consider how different your old club would be now, even if you went back. It will never be the club you remember. It goes without saying that it'd be more awkward for you if your ex is still there. What about the others? You don't know how the other club members might behave towards you. People sometimes find themselves taking sides in a break-up or feel awkward when they meet the "other side". I also wonder what your ex might have told them about you. He wasn't slow to belittle you when you were together. All I can suggest for now is that you keep going for the runs with the club and see if things get any better.

T4two

Everything you said makes total sense and I know it wouldn't be the same, and he's there all the time. I do plan on persevering with the new one. Thanks again - this and previous advice you've given has helped me a lot.

Donald Trump

Are there any single fellas in the club? It might be a bit immature, but if you liked any of them, you'd have the added bonus of rubbing your mans nose in it if that was something you wanted to do.