Double Bed or Keep the Single?

Kintarō Hattori

Hi Folks,

My 4.5 year old has her own room and a single bed. Most nights however she'll call out looking for Dad (me) to go lie down with her. This might be at 1am, 3am, 5am etc. If we're lucky she'll call out once a night but it can be up to 2/3 times. She doesn't want to go to the big bed but wants me to sleep beside her. This is lovely but it's killing me as it's a small single bed and it's a bit cramped with the two of us in there.

I'm guessing the most popular opinion would be to try and break this habit and I have thought about this but she's a sensitive lady and someone whom I think needs to have you close. She'll grow out of it eventually so I don't really have a big issue in indulging this- unless the popular opinion is that it's really detrimental and something that needs to be changed.

My partner and I were thinking that maybe we'd change the single bed to a double as it'll be much more comfortable for as long as this setup continues. Also my little one sometimes goes to sleep on the big bed before she gets moved to her own bed later that night and she really likes to stretch out. Her existing bed has high sides by the head and feet area so sometimes she bangs these whilst sleeping. We were thinking the extra space would be good.

What's your feedback?

My ex had a daughter, aged 11, she never grew out of this habit and was still doing it when we broke up.

He never had the heart to put her out, because she was so upset.

I know that's not exactly the advise you were looking for, but more of a fyi

mordeith

If the disturbed sleep is going to continue I don't see why making it more physically comfortable for yourself will matter. Obviously you want to solve it long term but who knows, maybe she'll sleep better in a double bed and you'll get to stay in your own! 😀

I think if what you would prefer is for your daughter to sleep through the night without you having to stay in her bed with her (and I assume it is) then switching her single for a double is a mistake.

I do think should be working on breaking this habit, not doing something that will prolong it, unless you don't mind playing musical beds until she is a teenager!

(eta) A standard single bed should be plenty big for a 4.5 year old to stretch out in, if you think the head and foot boards are an issue, change for a divan base.

Kintarō Hattori

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117940703#Comment_117940703

I had hoped sleeping in a double bed by herself would kinda solve the issue. Last night for example she fell asleep in the big bed, Mam took her bed and I slept on the sofa. All was going well til about 2am, so yeah even having all the space in the world doesn't seem to solve the issue.

Kintarō Hattori

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117940737#Comment_117940737

Ideally yes, I'd love for her to be completely comfortable and sleep through the night by herself. To be honest, I'm not sure how we break the habit.

I'm sure it's potentially unhelped by the actual bedtime routine. I used to read to her until she fell asleep. Now that she's that bit older she understands what's being read to her and so doesn't fall asleep anymore. Now when I'm finished reading the book she wants me to lie with her until she's fallen asleep. I know this may very well be part of the issue but I don't know how to get her to sleep without doing this.

She really is sensitive and I've tried reading from a distance, sitting by the door and then down the stairs. This does not work. She gets terribly upset, to the point that I think it's borderline cruel, for her, to keep this up. She's an anxious kid and this sort of approach, just doesn't work.

This is the bed she has. She sleeps right up under the headboard and hence the arms hit the sides.

(Thanks for all replies so far, much appreciated).

*Now when I'm finished reading the book she wants me to lie with her until she's fallen asleep"

It sounds like she has Daddy wrapped around her little finger! (nothing wrong with that) but when its impacting on your own night's sleep too, there have to be compromises.

I'd get her a more standard single bed, or a bigger bed if you think it would help, but maybe not a full double but a small double (a 4 foot).

But I really think its just a habit she has formed, and its not an uncommon one. It may be upsetting and stressful for a few nights to break it but I'd go down to the road of going into her whenever she calls for you, reassuring her, tucking her in, and then leaving again - but not the lying down and going to sleep with her.

Just my honest opinion. Best of luck.

Oh gosh OP, that's the same as my ex's daughter.

Will not sleep unless the mother or father lie with her till she sleeps. Will not sleep on her own. Very sensitive, upsets easily.

I would suggest maybe tackling that issue rather than change the bed?

Sorry, but you don't want her doing the same when she's nearly a teenager.

Nickla

I would get the bigger bed so you both have a more comfortable sleep, if you, your partner and your daughter are fine with that set up then i don't see the point in upsetting her - she won't still be sleeping with you when she's a teenager, she will naturally grow out that. Also the bigger bed might help her learn to sleep in her own space - both my kids slept in our bed or us in theirs until i could put them in a big bed together. They sleep in their own rooms now although the younger (7 year old) likes to have a sleepover with me on friday nights.

catrionanic

It sounds like you are very tuned into her needs and are an understanding and attentive father. The best way to promote and nurture confidence in a sensitive child is to respond to their needs. It sounds like apart from the issue with your own comfort in the bed, the current arrangement isn't too much of an issue for you. In which case, I would keep doing what is working for your family and get a larger bed so that you are more comfortable too.

Young children needing assistance to go to sleep is common and, despite what some people will tell you, is something they grow out of as they grow in age and in confidence. She won't want you in the bed with her forever so try to focus on the now and on making everybody happy and comfortable.

Kintarō Hattori

Ah I wouldn't say she has Dad wrapped around her little finger. Not at all. We're just very in tune with each other. She's incredibly independent during the day, she wants to do everything by herself and will only ask for help when she really can't manage something. Bedtime is a whole other ball game though and is kinda funny as it's the opposite of who she is during the day.

I hear you all saying, 'you don't want her doing the same when she's nearly a teenager'. However I can't imagine it'll continue for so long. As said, I think she is simply an anxious kid who likes to have you close. I don't see a way around this at the moment as she's quite a strong spirited little character and this is something she 'needs'. I do believe she'll grow out of it as she gets a little older. Hilariously now when she's doing a pee pee she asks for some 'privacy' so I'd imagine once she goes to big school and starts to understand what other kids do, that it might sow the seeds of change.

Thank you for your kind words catrionanic. It's not an issue for me other than the physical discomfort for us both. These moments are fleeting and all too soon she won't want me around so much anymore. I'll soak up as much opportunity to lay beside her as I can. We have little chats, tell each other we love one another etc. What parent wouldn't want to keep that going for as long as is necessary.

Unshelved

Just a suggestion - at bedtime, start off with staying in the room with her - but not in the bed - until she falls asleep. Get a chair in the room so that you're comfortable.

Then graduate to maybe pottering about for a bit in your own room or on the landing (sorting laundry - that sort of thing) so that she can hear you around, but you're not in the room with her. She has the security of knowing that you're near without you needing to be in the bed with her. When she calls out, tell her you're busy but you'll sit in the room when your jobs are done.

At night-time when she wakes, just go to the chair and say something like "Daddy's here" until she drops off.

I agree with the other poster who said that this won't be forever - everything in childhood is a phase really. I can't be the only one who kind of loved being needed like that when they were little!

Theboinkmaster

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058210466/double-bed-or-keep-the-single

I think every child is different and I can empathize as you're just trying to survive but also do what's best long term. From my experience we had a 4 year old coming into our bed every night for 6 months and when his little sister took his toddler bed we moved him into spare room into double bed and night light and he just stopped coming into us.

so i know it's a bad habit but if it was me I'd just buy the double bed, anything for a good nights sleep!

fits

We have opposite decision now :D Small boy has been in king sized bed since I slept in there with him and his twin brother as breastfed babies (other boy moved to his own room at 2) He actually went through a desperate phase of needing me in there just after turning four, but he reliably sleeps 8-6 now and I dont go in anymore. That just happened in the last year. We have a mid-sleeper for him, but I don't think I'm ready to part with the bed just yet.

Maybe go in when she calls, but try not to stay if you can help it.

Anne_cordelia

I think you are doing great. Keep it up and she will tell you when she is ready for you to stop. My child was like this until 4. Get the double bed.

irelandrover

If it was me i'd get the double bed to make my sleep more comfortable. I'd also be working on trying to ensure she can fall asleep by herself. I'd do nothing about the middle of the night but start working on the bedtime routine so that you don't lie with her until she falls asleep. In my opinion she learns that she needs you to fall asleep and that is also the case when she wakes during the night.

I had similar issues with my 3,5 year old and she sounds similar to yours, very independant during the day but very clingy at night time. I found it helped if i explained what i needed to do. "I need to go downstairs now to tidy up but when i am finished i will come up to give you a kiss". For the first few days she cried out and I was up and down the stairs but i went back down every time and didnt lie with her, i always came back up when i stopped vacuuming and gave her a kiss. At the start she lay awake until then. But after a while she would fall asleep before i came back up stairs.

She still has some days when she needs me to lie with her when she wakes in the night but mostly she just needs a kiss and me to cover her again with a blanket. I know every child is different so none of the above might work for you but it did work for us.

chases0102

Hi all,

Just like to jump in here with my own, quite similar experience.

Our 4.5 year old boy, ever since he came out of the cot, has been a terrible sleeper. Getting him to sleep is stories, and then for a long time would go beserk if we left the room. So we would lie down with him until he fell asleep. We have evolved in the last 6 months or so, similar to what was mentioned above, of pottering around outside, popping in every so often, 'Dad's here, it's ok' and he would fall asleep.

He speaks of being lonely, afraid and scary nightmares. In his more desperate outbursts he speaks of hating his room, hating his bed, etc. He will wake every night, come into us, and looking either for us to lie down with him, or to go into the spare room (double bed).

We have a 17 month old as well, so we are conscious of keeping her asleep, so essentially what happens is either my wife or I sleep with him in the double bed. I have a long commute, leaving early, so despite our best efforts over the last 2 years we have just tried to ensure the house can function the next day as much as we can.

I've appreciated the input here. My wife and I are constantly, constantly exhausted - we have tried night lights, changing his whole room around, reward charts, etc. The one thing we haven't is gone for a new bed.

Big Bag of Chips

It's a phase. Get the double bed so that everyone gets a good night's sleep. She will grow out of it. Whether that's at 5, or a bit older. But she won't want to share a bed with you forever.

Soon enough you'll be looking back remembering these days fondly.

Kintarō Hattori

Thanks for all the replies and suggestions folks. I went and got a double bed in IKEA yesterday evening.

Minier81

Glad to hear you got the double bed. Super Dad. My little one is 3 and myself or Dad lie beside her til she is asleep every night too and she often hops into "big bed" too. If we are doing it til she is a teenager I don't care. Prioritise sleep for the whole family is my motto and treasure the cuddles while they last.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117941171#Comment_117941171

This is it!

fits

Famous last words above. small boy a little unsettled at night again. Wide awake at 4:30 etc. He slept all night last night when I went in at 2 and stayed there with him. Going to keep the double for a while yet!

bee06

My 3.5 year old has a double bed. He never settled in a toddler bed because he moves around so much in his sleep. I stay with him every night until he falls asleep and usually he sleeps through the night in his bed unless he’s sick. The double bed is especially handy recently as he’s been quite sick so my husband will sleep in with him and we don’t need to be going in and out all night checking on him.

starbaby2003

I know some people are totally against them but reward charts for staying in your own room all night worked wonders here. Might be a starting point when you daughter is ready but needs a bit of a carrot. My older kid sleeps through now although the younger one is in to us every night so will probably try the stickers soon!

Kintarō Hattori

I can't believe it's only been a month since I asked the question, it feels so long ago. Anyway, the double bed has been really quite good so far. Quite often when we were getting ready for bed she'd want to go and sleep in the 'big bed'. This has happened way less often now. Climbing in beside her after reading a story is much more comfortable and it gets me each time when she snuggles up and slides her little hand in beside mine after closing her eyes to sleep.

Usually between 12-1am I'll get a call to 'lie down with me'. Waking up beside her most mornings is just lovely. I'll enjoy it while it lasts, it'll pass all too quickly.

Kintarō Hattori

So, this has worked out brilliantly. We're after having a full week of not having had to lie down with her during the night. Sure she'll call during the night when she's uncovered and as a result cold but she goes back to sleep quickly and I can go back to my own bed.

If she hasn't fallen asleep when I'm reading to her I climb in with her until she falls asleep. However I'm going to try and stop this and start her falling asleep on her own. It'll be a challenge but it's one she needs to manage.

Overall though, going from the single kids bed to the double has been amazing. Much better for all concerned. Thank you all for taking the time to comment and pass on your advice.