Second thoughts about boyfriend

babynice

Me (27) and my boyfriend (29) have been going out for almost 3 months. I met him on tinder. I had gotten out of a long term relationship with a man I loved very much but he had problems with drinking and drugs and it was unbearable. 

When I met my current boyfriend he was exactly what I was looking for - the exact opposite of my ex. At first I was crazy about him. He is very reliable, stable, good with his money, easy going and nice. We really enjoyed each other’s company. A few weeks ago I would have honestly said I was falling in love with him, if not actually in love with him. Having said that I never really found him attractive. He does not do much with himself. He let his hair and beard become very long and scruffy. It literally got to the stage where his beard hair was covering his lips. I could feel it when we were kissing and he was constantly getting food stuck in it. It made me sick to see it. When he did get his hair/beard done, it still looked awful. He refuses to style his hair. His clothes are all old with holes and threads hanging off them and he seems to have no idea how to dress. I have suggested us going to get him some new clothes. He says yes but then just brushes it off. 

He seems very stuck in routine. For example he will have to meet his brother to go the gym even if it means waiting around for hours on days we are both off. Last weekend I stayed at his house and on Saturday morning he told me he was going to the gym with his brother so I just left. He works a lot of weekends and I live about 40 minutes away from him.

His bedroom smells and there are dirty clothes left lying around. The carpet is never vacuumed and the desks are covered in dust. He says he will work on it. I hate staying there. At first I enjoyed sleeping with him but now he seems to never try to initiate anything with me and told me he doesn’t care about sex. I find this very strange for such a new relationship at our age. I don’t exactly get the urge to rip his clothes off like I did with my ex. 

He is on double my salary, yet the first night we went away together he asked me to split the price of the air bnb with him (€35). I don’t expect him pay for everything but I felt for the first night he could have “treated” me.

I foolishly agreed to go on a week long trip with him, which I am dreading. I have got a medical procedure in a few weeks which will cost me almost €4000. He had a windfall of almost €700 last week an a few days later told me I can give him my half of the hotel whenever I have it. Maybe I’m presumptuous but to me it seemed kind of miserly. 

I don’t know if I see a future with this man, but after everything I went through with my ex I was glad to have met someone who was so steady. I am wondering if I am just overthinking everything. He is a nice steady guy. I don’t feel like there is much attraction between or a “deep” connection. I feel so bad for feeling like this because he is a sweet guy. Should I just break up with him or see do I feel differently after the trip?

Faith

You're not even 3 months in and having this many doubts. Frankly, he sounds absolutely disgusting and my skin is crawling at your descriptions. You don't fancy him, can barely stomach intimacy with him and he's literally dirty.

There are plenty of men out there who are both steady and clean!

AustinLostin

Break up with him for both your sakes.

If he makes you feels sick when he kisses you, its not fair on him to keep up a facade like you are attracted to him. He deserves a good relationship as well with someone who loves him for him. He probably has already picked up on your revulsion in kissing him, which is why the sex has faded.

If you think there is a chance, then you need to talk to him, let him know the issues you are having, and what you need - and in turn encourage him to tell you what he needs. Then decide if ye both want to work on these things. Otherwise yes break up.

Your focus on his finances 3 months in is unseemly to be honest. I'd let that go.

Joey99

He clearly needs to up his game on several fronts (personal hygiene, cleanliness and generosity). TBH he sounds like he could be a lifetime work in progress with the lack of interest he has shown in himself and you. For your own peace of mind I suggest you should explain the issues you have and invite him to make meaningful changes within a set period of time. I'm thinking statements as brutally honest and direct as:

"You're a good looking guy but your hair and beard / clothes really let you down. You need a proper style to fulfil your potential and I only want to be with a man who wants to be the best that he can be".

"When I stayed with you recently your bedroom was dirty and there was a bad smell from it so I won't be staying over until it's as clean as my own space".

When he doesn't live up to your needs and you need to break it off with him you can explain to him exactly why.

YellowLead

The thing is you can’t really change people to fit into a mould of exactly what you want.

It’s not like this guy is the only one in the world. If you are just out of a long term - have fun being single and get to know yourself again. You don’t need to hook up immediately with somebody else for the sake of it.

What you describe about the hygiene sounds gross. However I’m not sure why you are complaining about paying your way - in these modern times I never expect a man to pay for me and I think a lot of men think like that too - especially on an ongoing basis rather than just the first date. Also don’t get the gym issue.

Bottom line - you guys are incompatible and he frustrates you, but you seem to want him because he is stable and the opposite of your ex - that’s not enough. You probably both have different expectations for what a relationship is.

Dial Hard

You met him while you were on the rebound, got a bit carried away with the "feels" and now they've morphed almost overnight into the ick. It's incredibly common and there's generally no going back from it. Break it off with him and leave him to his grotty self.

mohawk

I firmly believe that if you are with someone, but you want that person to make changes to themselves then you really shouldn’t be with that person. You guys are only three months in and this is the part of the relationship where people try to be the best version of themselves in order to impress their new partner. If you find him gross now it is very unlikely to get any better.

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058208599/second-thoughts-about-boyfriend

what are ya like :)

babynice

Thanks everyone for replying.

I agree that men should not have to pay for everything and I have paid for meals, cinema etc too. My issue was him asking for me for €35 for a night away he planned. When he knows I barely make half his wages and was starting to pay for a very expensive medical procedure. Obviously that’s not his problem, but if it was the other way around I would have covered it and I have done such things in the past. Also I suppose it is not his problem to cover my hotel bill, but I have had others pay for things like that at the start.

We were also meant to go away for a night and I said I would have to cancel it because I had to pay a lot of money for prescriptions, blood tests etc and I just felt he could have offered to cover it if he was that invested.

The issue about the gym is because he works long hours and often works weekends. Our days off rarely align. The one weekend we could have done something or spent a bit of time together he opted to go to gym with his brother. Which would be fine in a more long established relationship but I don’t see much of him. Just seems like a he’s not bothered, and if he isn’t why should I be!

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

@Ash.J.Williams as per the Charter posters are asked to offer constructive advice to an OP when replying to their thread. Please bear this mind when posting in PI/RI.

Thanks

HS

Before I read your post I was thinking (typical relationship)

After reading your post, dump him, for his own sake.

You're cribbing about his hair/facial hair...

In all of my relationships I've never whinged when the woman didn't shave her legs for a while.

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117884868#Comment_117884868

This is what I think too. How long were you single before you met this new guy? It also sounds like you went for your current boyfriend because he was many things your ex wasn't. You don't sound like you even like him that much and he's annoying you.

babynice

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117885472#Comment_117885472

I was single for about three months. I agree. He is the total opposite.

I wouldn’t say I dislike him necessarily, up until a couple of weeks ago I had really liked him. Until I noticed him letting his appearance and the condition of his house slide.

YellowLead

If you feel like he’s not bothered enough about you, and you find him slovenly then you have your answer - just break up and move on there’s really no need to assess this one, it seems pretty black and white.

3 months seems super quick to get into a new relationship after leaving a long term!!!!

Unkept, bad personal hygiene dirty apartment, doesn’t care. about sex, has no interest in giving you attention - he’s either just gone off you and doesn’t have the balls to tell you or is an ignorant prik or significant signs of depression- it’s been only 3 months not 3 years-,how many signs do you actually need-RUN!

Skipduke

if you have to write on boards for advice 3 months in gurl u better run . its better to be single and lonely than in a relationship and miserable.

The dress and style, or lack thereof can be fixed, but something that won't ever go away is the miserly element of his personality. I've even unfriended a former friend who had a miserly element to his personality. Wanting the 35 quid for the first night you spent away together - for an AirBnB should have been the first and last warning sign for you. In the first 3 months, its normal that the guy picks up the tab for things, or at least offers to.

The gym going with his brother -is another warning sign. If I was in bed with a new partner on Sunday morning, especially if our schedules didn't overlap very often, then wild horses couldn't get me out of bed, nevermind going to the gym with my brother. To me it suggests he's not putting you first in his life yet, which in the first three months he should be. In the first three months you're generally on your best behaviour. So seeing these red flags so early is genuinely worrying.

Finally, him saying he doesn't care about sex. A 39 year old male who doesn't care about or want sex with his new gorgeous girlfriend? That is odd to say the least.

ZX7R

Food for thought,

The guy you're with is showing a lot of signs of depression could be that his brother is his rock in a big ocean and needs him more than anybody else.

Maybe try to get to know him properly not everything is as it appears on the surface.

SunnySundays

The money issue I could probably get over, 3 months in, I think it's probably still fair to split cost.

That said, the personal hygiene, smelly room, lack of attraction and bad sex....any one of them would have me running.

babynice

Thanks everyone. Definitely I was too fast in getting into another relationship which is obviously why it wasn’t the right one.

I rang him tonight to tell him that I didn’t want to continue with the relationship. When I called first he didn’t answer. I was tired of waiting for him to ring me back so I text him. He didn’t seem very bothered really by the break up and didn’t want to even speak to discuss it over the phone. He more or less said that it takes him a long time to open up to people and come out of his shell and he hadn’t gotten there with me. He also said that he didn’t like to “push” people and that it was his gut feeling to leave me alone even though he still liked me. Then he added that he’s willing to work on it. I think he is saying that because he just because he wants a girlfriend rather than for me. I think if he liked me enough he would have been more opened up

So it was best for everyone to end it!

road_high

Win win all round. Relief, that sounded like a nightmare that wasn’t going to get any better

babynice

I also had a trip planned with him later this week. Last night I said if there anything owed I would pay it. He wanted me to send him half the price of the hotel. I assumed it was too late to cancel and sent him €300.

This morning I thought it made no sense so I rang the hotel and they told me that there was another two days to cancel without having to pay.

I contacted him and asked him if he still planned go on this trip. He said he might cancel it and hadn’t made up his mind and would pay me back if he did. Yet last night he was quick to look for the money. I felt it was wrong of him to look for €300 off me when he knew there would have been free cancellation as he’s the one who booked it. I challenged him and he gave me the money back. If I hadn’t contacted the hotel I am wondering would he have just not went and kept them money!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117888874#Comment_117888874

As i said in my previous post, the miserly element of his personality is very hard to change. From what you have said, he doesn't spend much money on himself, so I don't see him going to spend a week in a hotel on his own. Either he would have taken the 300 from you and cancelled it, or gone and brought someone else, but asking them for 300 to split the cost.

It sounds like you had a lucky escape. Thank god you realised now, not a year from now.

I'm terrible with money, but when dating or in a relationship Im overly generous. I had a few dates with a girl from Tinder during the Summer and upon discovering she was a Harry Potter fanatic, I bought her a gift of a First Edition. My ex-longterm girlfriend, I booked a week in Morocco for her 40th, all expenses paid. While I can understand people not spending money on them selves, I really dont understand the miser coming out when it's a few weeks in to a potential relationship.

osarusan

I think this guy represented some kind of 'opposite' to where you had been, and that was appealing, but once you were over the original breakup, he started to seem a lot less appealing, and you started to see things about him you didn't like, such as his stinginess and personal hygiene and lack of interest in sex, so you naturally had doubts and have already ended things.

That said, the idea that his hair or beard or fashion sense (or complete lack thereof) are things to be worked on or to be 'fixed' as was used earlier in the thread, are sentiments I don't agree with.

That said, the idea that his hair or beard or fashion sense (or complete lack thereof) are things to be worked on or to be 'fixed' as was used earlier in the thread, are sentiments I don't agree with.

That was me who said that, and I also have a beard, and its not going anywhere anytime soon. If Scarlett Johanson asked me to shave it off, maybe...

My point was, style/personal hygiene are things that can be improved or changed slightly, but the miserly aspects of his personality cannot be. But I think thats a conversation for another thread.

jj880

It is everybody's right to move on if they do not want to be in a relationship. Do what makes you happy.

There are plenty of deal breakers here with the personal hygiene etc. BUT expecting someone to bankroll everything when you are dating less than 3 months?

I find that ridiculous. Of course I'm speculating here but could it be that maybe you want any new relationship to carry on where the last long term one left off? Almost like if you suddenly had to start splitting bills it would be a step backwards in your mind. I reckon it will be hard for you to find a person willing to bankroll everything in less than 3 months of dating.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117889926#Comment_117889926

FFS. Ridiculous comment.

ghoulfinger

Break it off OP, get out ASAP, don’t give him the time of day. You don’t have to put up with this. You’ve had enough crap in your life. Reassess your worth, put value on yourself. Believe me, there are ways to meet genuine people who will value and love the person you are and whom you will also love.

babynice

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117889926#Comment_117889926

I didn’t expect him to bankroll everything at all. I paid my share as well and often paid for the cinema, meals, rounds at a pub etc. Brought food to his house etc. In my last relationship he paid more so at the start and then as things progressed it was in turns, which suited me fine.

i just felt that he had a lot more money than me and knew I had huge medical expenses this month and could have been a bit more free with his money. Instead of asking me for €35 on our first night away. Even thinking back on it he said he didn’t want to go to hotel as it was too expensive. I could understand if he had a low income or money troubles but that wasn’t the case. That has always been my experience when i started seeing someone, that they would splash out a bit.

Besides all that the fact that he tried to trick me into giving him €300 for a hotel he wasn’t going to tells me all I need to know!

ghoulfinger

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117890351#Comment_117890351

Maybe the truth is he doesn’t have the money you think he does. There can be a lot of bluff with some people. Maybe he has issues and sees you as part of his solution. If you find you’ve become quite attracted to him focus on the unattractive bits, like half his dinner residing in his beard.

notAMember

Food stuck on his face and then expecting a kiss? *shudder* That is absolute vom. Live and learn for you, appearances aren't everything, but basic hygiene matters. Whoever compared that to leg hair in a woman, LOLS. Women don't eat with their shins.

So cheeky on the 300 euro and it sounds like he actually HAD tricked you out of it. Glad you got it back!

1. He sounds disgusting and you're better off shot of him.
2. It's up to you to manage your finances. If something is too expensive it's on you to say that you can not afford it

ghoulfinger

^^

ghoulfinger

My advice, for what it’s worth; don’t go on that trip. You’ve duly given it a go, back away gently and focus on your own well-being and health for the moment. It doesn’t look like he’ll be pushed either way, which is no reflection on your worth or attractiveness. If he’s not bothered in grooming himself or making any other kind of effort at all in any direction I suspect there is something else up, be it drugs or a mental health issue or whatever it may be, and it’s something he has to be left to deal with. If he’s apathetic about himself something g doesn’t add up.

ghoulfinger

And I might add one thing, I’m definitely not old-fashioned and wouldn’t think it is the remit of either gender in a heterosexual relationship to make the first payment of an night out or whatever. I would expect the party who receives it does it with good grace and without drama and simply says “thank you, that’s lovely, will get you next time”. Then later share, that to me is equality, and it doesn’t matter who starts the ball rolling.

ghoulfinger

Quote:

notAMember

Food stuck on his face and then expecting a kiss? *shudder* That is absolute vom. 

“Would you like to share dinner with me?….. you can have your portion off my beard!” 😱

babynice

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117890550#Comment_117890550

Yes I have broke up with him now and called off the trip. I’m sure he will find a girl more suited to his ways and best of luck to him.

I would be inclined to agree with you about who pays for the most part. On our first date we visited two establishments and I paid in one of them. On the third or fourth date I paid for it. It was no problem. But i just didn’t like that he suggested and planned this first night away and then actually ASKED for the money. Especially when it was such a small amount of money. It just didn’t sit right with me.

Either way the money was just the tip of the ice berg here. We were obviously not compatible. Maybe if I had more feelings for him I could have overlooked the clothes and the grooming but that was not the case. Most of all he had proved to be untrustworthy as he tricked me into paying him €300!

But i just didn’t like that he suggested and planned this first night away and then actually ASKED for the money. Especially when it was such a small amount of money. It just didn’t sit right with me.

Yeah that is a bit strange, theres no denying it.

I had a "friend" borrow twenty quid off me on a night out, he'd 'forgotten' his debit card. A few weeks later, no sign of repayment, he gave me a lift home, and during the trip said "How about this lift repays that money I owe you". Another of our friends was in the car, we all worked together, was shocked he had suggested it, and pretty much announced it to the office the next day. The original guy suddenly goes, "Oh I was only joking about that, I dont have my wallet on me, but I'll give it to you tomorrow.."

For some people, money, even small amounts is more important that friends, friendships and even potential relationships.

ghoulfinger

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117890672#Comment_117890672

The money is just a symptom of a personality issue. I wouldn’t care about just money, it’s being taken for granted I would have a problem with, it’s the pettiness and disrespect. If he were genuinely hard up for personal reasons he’s not quite ready to disclose he might be seen to be masking it here in a cloak of apparent meanness. That’s if he’s literally counting his pennies. But then if he is that hard up why would he want to be going on a holiday soon, rather than saving up bit by bit for it. Is the money going on something else he doesn’t want to or feel able to disclose. Does he have a drug habit? Is he raising a kid unknown to you? Does he have a gambling or a type of sex addiction? I mention the latter as a possibility if he finds he’s “running flat” and may be paying for services elsewhere - yes it happens. Erectile dysfunction commonly occurs in addiction or medical situations where the nervous system has become compromised.

One might wonder how many women could write up a similar experience with him to you! You might have given it a better try than some of the others. If you hung around too long you would likely uncover an answer to these questions. I’m glad you have made the decision to back off for your own sake. He may have mental health issues, and whilst it is popular now to believe we must respect psychiatric illness in the same way as any illness that affects other systems, those affected can pull us over the cliff they are falling over themselves, especially when they have not yet acknowledged it and got their condition professionally managed.

Put a little if that holiday money towards a lovely trip you will later undertake in more favourable circumstances, after you get your medical treatment. I’m sure the guy has good qualities, most of them do or you probably wouldn’t find yourself in their company for long.

BobHopeless

Funny in this day and age women want to be treated equally (rightfully) but have a hissy fit when asked to split the bill. Guess the bill isn't equal.

ghoulfinger

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117890886#Comment_117890886

I don’t think women have an issue splitting bills, or do they? I hate the stinginess of exactly splitting of costs right down the middle on every blessed time; but that’s me. I just hate pettiness over money. However I know some people have been raised in circumstances where money has not been easy to come by, and hard to break old habits.

BobHopeless

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117890933#Comment_117890933

Iv'e no idea what it's like these days but when i was dating years ago if a woman didn't at least offer to split the bill that would be that. I think it's the height of ignorance to not at least offer.

jj880

Some interesting replies here.

It could be argued that pettiness over money in a relationship is when someone complains about having to chip in. Especially when dating for less than 3 months. Its a 2 way street.

I suspect that wont go down well in this thread though.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Folks, please remember that when replying to a thread in PI/RI posters are asked to give constructive advice to an OP.

That said, as you have resolved your issue by ending the relationship Babynice and rather than have it turn further into a discussion of who pays for what in a relationship, I'll close the thread there.

Thanks to all who offered help and advice and all the best OP.

Thanks

HS