Somebody flirting with your wife would it bother you

Ray Palmer

I have been out many nights in many places with my wife and people have flirted with her and she occasionally flirted back. Not a bother to me at all as flirting can be completely innocent and normal. Yesterday however was a little strange. We had to call down a plumber and I was working in my office and she was dealing with him I could hear the conversation and there was no flirting at all just friendly conversation. Thought nothing of it.

A few hours later the guy texts her and says "It was nice to see you again" He is same plumber her parents use and she had been there during some work. She just replied "yeah"

his response " We really shouldn't be flirting on the phone"

She was just confused. Now as I said I am easy going about flirting but the fact this guy has met me and knew i was in the next room, was in my house and may be needed again as the warranty on our boiler is with his company just really annoyed me. I really feel like ringing him to explain how creepy what he did was. Is it an overreaction or reasonable

optogirl

He definitely shouldn't be calling what happened 'flirting' and even if it was (which it clearly wasn't) he shouldn't be texting a customer in a private capacity and saying anything of the sort. Smacks a bit of 'chancing his arm' and I wouldn't be thrilled about it. It's very unprofessional on his part. If I was your wife I would NOT be looking forward to having him in my house again as he seems to take a friendly conversation as something more.

Princess Calla

Definitely think he's testing the waters there (pun not intended).

If that was me I wouldn't reply and I'd let Mr calla deal with the next visit. (Not in a confrontational way, I just would remove myself from the scenario altogether so zero potential mixed signals.......if someone is looking for a signal they will find one no matter how banal or innocent it is)

Guys making the attempt has never bothered me. It happens often enough - especially in bars - that if it did bother me I would be an emotional wreck by now :)

To the specific story of the OP they guy sounds like he has gotten the wrong end of the stick. He meant his comment as a flirt (probably was in his mind - barely sounded like one to me) and he then even took the "yeah" as a validation of that rather than as being non-committal and dismissive. A quick response of "I/we are not flirting at all - I took your comments and mine at face value and not as an advance." is likely a sufficient next step to politely diffuse the situation. After that the ball is in his court to be creepy or to cop on.

But yes as above texting clients out of business - unless they actually are in some way friends too - is unprofessional and if that is what is going on - I would personally have no qualms about finding every google linked website designed for reviewing his service industry and include his conduct in a review of his work so that both he and his potential clients are under no illusions about the service he is offering and how it is taken by the customer.

Mad_maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058203433/somebody-flirting-with-your-wife-would-it-bother-you

Completely reasonable, in fact you are too relaxed about it

B.A._Baracus

Ring him up and put him in his place. Tell to f-off and don't message her again.

On the broader topic of someone flirting with your partner - you tell whoever it is to f-off too if you get the chance. That's not me being "insecure" as I'm sure another poster will accuse me of its just that.... well... there's this expression I've heard a lot. Dublin expression. It's "Most blokes would ride your bird in front of you". Doesn't matter if you're sitting in the corner crying. They wouldn't care. That's life and that's the real world.

If I had a euro for every time some bloke I knew said how he doesn't care if a certain woman was married or a boyfriend he still would, then I would be sitting on a small fortune.

Ray Palmer

I rang and he denied it which is no surprise. Guess it is possible somebody used his phone to set him up but I doubt it

Housefree

Do you think your wife could be hiding anything? How did you find out?

Ray Palmer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117737200#Comment_117737200

She showed me the text as they came in. This guy is repulsive to her in every way and shape. Picture the opposite of what somebody is attracted to

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117737188#Comment_117737188

Denial is on him and you should be unaffected by it emotionally - though obviously blatant lies can raise anger in us. You have maturely and calmly registered your opinion that his conduct is out of line and unprofessional. The ball is now in his court denial or not. You have done your bit and can move on at this time.

Strumms

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117737147#Comment_117737147

I’d take this stance.

its 100% unprofessional.

i wouldn’t want a creep like that anywhere near my place. He’s untrustworthy.

the only reason he should be txting either of you is if he had a query about or needed to share information as relates to the work he was doing for you...ie. being professional..

hes probably happy for you to hand him cash for the work he’s doing but he be happy with his other hand to be txting your other half and chancing his arm too at the same time...? You need another plumber 1000%... no way would I be letting a grim wannkbag like that in my place.

Ray Palmer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117737234#Comment_117737234

Who said I am emotionally effected?

JimmyVik

My other half is always very kind and sociable to anyone. Some take that up as flirting and have to get put in their place. But the worst one was we had one guy who lived down the road call in one night when I was heading off to Cork for the weekend to work. He knew that I was going away at the weekend because I told him in the pub earlier in the week.

She texted me and said x has called up, but he has a few drinks on him and he is in the living room crying about something or other but she thought it was all an act and he was coming on to her. She was asking could I get my brother to call up. I was actually in my brothers at that point helping him with something before heading off for Cork.

So we both went back to my house. On the way I called into yer mans house and told his wife to come with us, her husband was crying in my living room.

Man the the **** hit the fan. Id say she bet the sh1t out of him with the temper on her that night. He has never spoken to either of us again after that. Neither has his wife. Good riddance.

But I heard since from other people that he has done this crying act with other women in the area before as a sort of pity romance act. Seems its his thing.

Total sad case.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117737242#Comment_117737242

No one that I am aware of. I know I certainly never suggested you were anywhere. But when I reply to threads anywhere on this forum that are of the "Personal Issues" types I tend to write them in such a way as to be read by anyone in similar issue and not solely as a response to the person I am directly replying to.

People blatantly lying to us can anger us and affect our actions and judgement negatively. So I am offering the _ general _ advice that this is not something we should necessarily allow to emotionally affect us or influence us. Instead we step back and say "Have I done the right thing - and done my part correctly - in this situation". And if we can answer "yes" to that - this is all that is required.

Ray Palmer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117737282#Comment_117737282

You certainly did suggest I was emotionally upset by telling me not to be. You should chose your words better and not decide to unilaterally decide what you think you are doing when it is a reply to subject from an actual real person. You were replying to me personally

chrissb8

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117737188#Comment_117737188

Let's be real about this, he should have been falling over himself to apologise once he saw the message he allegedly did not send. In fact, let him know in no uncertain terms he is done being your plumber and if you're asked about him by others you'll be telling them exactly what happened.

mikhail

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117737313#Comment_117737313

That's not what he did. You're being unreasonable.

Sy Kick

There may have been no ulterior motive and he might have just wished to do what comes natural for him and insert a bit of push fit piping

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117737313#Comment_117737313

I do not want to turn your thread into a lesson in English - but saying "should" has at least two common meanings in the English language. The first is to tell someone to do other than they are currently doing. For example saying "You should go to work" to someone sitting on the couch. The second however is validation of something that are already doing. For example someone saying "I ignored them" and me responding "Yes - you should ignore them".

Both are perfectly valid uses of the word. I am telling you I used the latter meaning here. You want to tell me I used the former. Perhaps you would fare better to take my explanation of what I mean with my own words as more likely to be true than you trying to read my mind?

The great thing about forums is that people get to give advice - and others are free to accept or reject that advice. What is less likely to happen however is for diktats on what form that advice should take - to be taken seriously :) My word choice was just fine - I in fact do get to decide what I am doing when I reply to a subject and I very much should do so - and no on a public forum on a public conversation thread it is a mistake to assume I am responding to anyone (including you) personally. I repeat - I write my replies addressed to the public as a whole because this is a group discussion forum. If I wanted to reply to you personally - the site has a functional private messaging system and I am well capable of using it :-)

To return to the topic at hand and my explicit advice - when someone acts inappropriately and we do the right thing in highlighting this to them - then often they will deny having done the wrong thing in the first place. Even in the face of hard evidence (which in this case you have on the phone). It is easy to react emotionally to this - and that you appear not to have done so is in fact what I agree you should be doing in that scenario. I address that advice to all here not just you.

The alternative of course is to escalate and call him out as a liar - start sending evidence back and forth - or worse. Which is what many people might do in your situation. And I would say that doing so would be an emotional move that I would generally advise against in many if not most situations. I am not sure there are any winners when that happens. Once we have done the right thing in a situation - we should avoid emotional triggers to escalate when we can. Generally.

That said though - as I said before - one escalation I might do is review his professional conduct on line. There are review sites explicitly for that purpose. And I like to use them myself as both a reader and a writer. If a service person is one who acts out of line - I as a customer would want to know that. So I as a customer feel motivated to inform other customers for that reason. Not saying you should do it or have to do it or should be expected to do it before you get triggered again. It's just how I operate and how my mind works.

Ray Palmer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117737562#Comment_117737562

There is nowhere or way this is acceptable.

markw7

Never hire him again and try to forget about it, this lad isn't worth the mental energy.

Burt Renaults

Hire him once more, but make sure your wife isn't there. Fair play for referring to her as "my wife" btw, and not "the wife" "'er indoors" "the missus" or "herself" as is so often the case when men discuss their wives. When he calls round, just have a normal conversation about "the match last night" and how the evenings are starting to get a bit darker at this time of year. Won't be long til Christmas, hahahaha. Jesus, stop.

Then text him afterwards and apologise for flirting with him.

Ray Palmer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117737906#Comment_117737906

The correct response would be "I am sorry for being unclear and can see why you would read it that way" As you can clearly see why I would interpreted your words as were. Yes you are allowed to be as arrogant as you like thinking you have a world audience when replying to an individual. While I can see your point it is one of the most arrogant responses I have seen on Boards. You wrote a reply to my comment. If you chose to make a comment it would be different but you chose reply. I don't value your opinion and am free to point it out

The personal shots and name calling are not going to add anything here. This is still a public forum and when I reply to a thread on this forum - I am aware that I am replying to every reader of that thread too. So I write my posts with that awareness in mind. Always have. Never been an issue before today.

You are not required to value my opinion - but that does not mean there is anything wrong with my opinion or how I expressed it. The reason I reply to threads of a "personal issues" nature is due to the potential _ someone _ will find value in it. Hence the replying to everyone approach I take.

I do not wish to derail your thread any further so once again back to the topic - I think many of us have to deal either once or often with other people flirting with our partner(s). This can bother us and that is legitimate. Dismissing people it bothers as being "insecure" is as already said in the thread not really a good move either. To them people like me who are not at all bothered by it are the aberration.

The best phrase for this is that "Emotions are wonderful servants but poor masters". There is nothing wrong with being bothered by it and many are. There is nothing wrong with being entirely fine with it or even to actually enjoy it. And many do. It is what we do with those emotions - or what we allow them to make us do - that defines us.

Ray Palmer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117738142#Comment_117738142

Noobie learn some etiquiete

Donald Trump

One hypothetical solution might be to divorce your wife and marry an universally repulsive ugly munter instead so it doesn't happen the next time

Either that or break your mans legs*

*not serious suggestion

Given I am two years longer on the site than you - I 100% agree with your sentence above :) Newbie should :)

As for marrying someone ugly* - alas that is no guaranteed cure :-) Everyone is attractive to someone. As I learned in my teen years when I went to the UK to visit my brother and my school mates gave me a "shopping list" of porn mags they wanted me to buy and bring back. And included in the order was magazines specifically catering to nude photography of the massively obese.

And in fact some people may even see people they view as less attractive as being "easy" to pull so they might even be more motivated to try.

And then of course you yourself are stuck married to someone you are not even attracted to :-)

*(realise your point was tongue in cheek, my reply should be taken as being so too :-) )

Trigger Happy

I would not worry about it.

He is a plumber and from my experience he will come out to your place and eye her up. He will then disappear for a few weeks waiting for "parts!" before then contacting you direct asking for payment before he will see your wife again.

^ But but but I have seen all the porn movies! Which tell me that A) Plumbers always and without fail show up on time and B) Always have sex with the housewife and C) always have the right tool for the job.

tcawley29

https://youtu.be/g3Oc0ctpI94

:)

Why can’t I delete this tweet boards?