How do i initiate sex?

KellyKelly

My Boyfriend and I have been together 10 years, we have 1 child together, we both work full time, doing online college weekends.

He suddenly stopped initiating sex, when I confronted him he said its because I never initiate, its always him, and he hates feeling rejected.

I feel as though I've been slapped in the face as I never really noticed it before.

I don't have much confidence in my body after birth, I don't look like a model nor do I feel it. I always wonder why on earth would he want to have sex with me?

I would often resort to masturbate as a result of not wanting my boyfriend to see my body the way it is now after having a baby.

How can I build up my confidence and try initiate the sex with him more as I am already insecure enough without thinking he could stray if I keep rejecting him.

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058200981/how-do-i-initiate-sex

Feel as sexy as he thinks you are

Dog day

Hi OP, sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. It’s totally common to lose body confidence after having a baby.

Would you be interested in putting a healthy eating & work out plan together? This would not only help you improve your confidence but exercise is also proven to improve your mood by releasing endorphins.

Equally I think it’s fair to say that lots of people are tougher on themselves than their partners are, oftentimes we can be self-conscious about things that a partner doesn’t even notice! Focus on the things you do like about yourself. I’m sure your boyfriend still finds you attractive but it can be challenging to always be the one initiating, you doing so could be liberating for you & very much welcomed by him. Remember how you felt when you first got together & tap back into that part of yourself. And though it may sound simple treating yourself to some beautiful new lingerie can be a real pick me up too.

Sorry I don’t have more advice than this but I hope it helps & wish you well.

banie01

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117668121#Comment_117668121

You know what Ash, if I could thank this post twice I would! Wholesome and worthwhile advice.

OP, I've been where your fella is albeit with the caveat that my wife is afraid to initiate because I have an ongoing and fairly severe pain issue and she stopped initiating out of fear of causing me pain.Thing is, I'd happily drag myself through salted glass for her 😉

Regaining intimacy, especially after a baby when your own confidence is low can be very tough. My advice, make time for each other, be intimate. Touch, hug, not every intimate moment has to lead to sexual intercourse. There are plenty of ways to skin a cat. You mentioned that you are masturbating alone? Involve him? It's a great way to get reacquainted and learn more about ye both like.

Good luck with whatever you try, but do try.

I realise this might sound like a shallow solution, but have you tried buying yourself some new clothes? If your body shape has changed but you're still wearing the same clothes, it can feel kind of defeating every time you put them on, because nothing's quite fitting like it used to. I haven't had kids but I have struggled with my weight, and ill-fitting clothes can sometimes feel like your old body is trying to haunt you.

If you can afford to, I'd suggest looking into some new underwear, especially bras. A perfectly fitted bra does wonders for my confidence. Then maybe something nice to sleep in - I don't mean something 'sexy', I literally just mean something that you feel is nice and makes you feel good. If you're feeling good about yourself that's half the battle.

As for initiating, maybe it would be a better to just start with a bit more closeness in general? Just non-sexual touching, kissing, that doesn't necessarily lead anywhere. Maybe it's better to think of it as making an effort to get closer again rather than specifically focusing on sex like it's a requirement.

SunnySundays

Sorry to hear you are struggling with your confidence. We are all different so I can only share what helps me feel sexy.

Being good to me! An indulgent bath and some self care pampering, face mask, etc. Doing my hair nicely, matching underwear, wearing a favourite outfit that I think suits me or I've been complimented on, some perfume and doing my make up nicely. Heels, different from everyone but I don't feel as confident without them.

In terms of initiating sex, you don't have to jump to man eating, sex crazed seduction. It can be simple, like touching his back, reaching for his bad, kisses on his neck, telling him he looks really attractive, suggesting he join you for a glass of wine, suggest you have an early night etc...all he needs is a little sign that he has your full attention and that you want to be close to him.

The more you do it, the easier it will become. He wants you and wants to see you want him too. You can't lose by initiating, you know he'll be interested.

whomadewho

Op, there is no bigger turn on for the man than when their partner shows desire.

So just come straight out with, say " I'm horny do you want a bit of action" majority of men will jump as soon as you say those words.

ElizaBennett

I really agree with the others who are saying it's a lot simpler than you might have built it up to be in your mind, OP. As the above poster said, just stating matter of factly that you're up for it is enough for most men - mine definitely. I do this with a hint of humour mind you, so it doesn't feel like a transaction lol. I'll say ' do you want to go upstairs for a while?' if it's the middle of the afternoon and I think it might be nice for us to have some alone time. As others have said, you don't have to turn into a raving seductress to get that lovely experience and the closeness and good mood that follows it.

If that's too 'in your face' an approach for you, just kiss him. most of the time it's my bf who initiates sex with us too, I probably do it 10% of the time (though I almost never turn him down when he initiates it - it's just that's the habit we've formed over the years.) To show him I'm interested, i literally just have to turn towards him in the bed and start kissing him - then he knows. You could even just kiss him on the arm or neck if you want to take it more slowly - he'll get the message easily enough. It doesn't have to look like something worthy of the big screen romance-wise - it just has to be an obvious enough signal for him.

Sleepy

Unzip him. Job done.

ahappychappy

Its tough after kids - the body is one issue the flipping brain is another and dont get me started on the listening out for kids! Others have given good suggestions - self care, self love and space - you need space to pamper yourself feel human and build up your confidence. You are half way there if you have a working sex drive. Buy some lingerie - whatever makes you feel you. Role play, read erotica - have a shower together - have a "date" what is the music that you listened to when you began the relationship?

Stock up on massage oils, sexy dice, whatever works - keep talking tell him how you feel so he knows where your head is at and thank him for telling you how he feels. The fact ye can talk will stand you many miles in the relationship road, you have got this. Good luck

Segotias

Have you told him about how you feel about your body, he may be feeling that rejection is rejection of him and not because of how you feel about yourself.

While you might see and feel differently about your body he's more than likely as attracted to you as he ever was so rejection for him will sting more as he may think you don't find him attractive any more.

Talk to him, as mentioned before start moving with simple things, dates, holding hands, kissing, cuddling and then when it feels right sex.

Once you are more comfortable with him you'll be more comfortable in yourself.

Pawwed Rig

Roll over touch his crotch. Or say 'you wanna have sex'. Or just start rubbing yourself and wink at him. Anything all is fine

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Given that the OP hasn't been back to the thread since July, I'll close this off now.

Thanks to everyone who offered them advice.

HS