Relationship queries/getting mortgage

nonamefarrell

Looking for advice

in a relationship 9 years (have a 3 year old) not married (as he never asked) and living in Mother in laws house x4 years to save for a mortgage which we have now done and purchased a house (ready to move in the next few weeks) issue is I’m now getting cold feet and feeling scared of signing up to a 35 year mortgage with someone I’m not sure I want to be with forever. Our sex life is non existent (could be because of child and living in parents house) but I also haven’t felt strongly IN LOVE in months or even years. I love him dearly as a friend/like a brother, he is a great person and great dad we don’t really fight but there is definitely no passion or much intimacy there. I am afraid to break up our family as I will then be a homeless single parent all because I don’t have a sex filled passionate love. I have a lot of respect for him and don’t want to hurt him or our child for my own selfish feelings. Has anyone been in this situation or have advice?

YellowLead

I would advise against continuing with this the way things are. If you are not working you will get social welfare and housing, and your partner will pay maintenance, you won’t be homeless.

I think you would be doing your partner a massive disservice continuing where you don’t feel attraction or love. And yourself too. You are already bound together to a degree forever because of your child, not a good idea throwing shared property into the mix!

Odd that you mentioned you never got married because he didn’t ask - did you ever bring it up with him? It’s not important anymore for lots of people, maybe he didn’t know you wanted to be asked.

Have you spoken about how you feel? If you were once in love it could potentially be revived - but you both would need to work on intimacy.

Purple Mountain

Would you book to see a counsellor by yourself for a few sessions to talk put your feelings and thoughts in an impartial environment?

nonamefarrell

@YellowLead i work full time and would earn too much to be entitled to any social housing but not enough to buy alone (I earn 39k) hense why I am so afraid to call everything off as my only option would be to rent privately and I would be financially crucified

@Purple Mountain this is a great idea which I never thought of I am definitely going to book something thank you

SunnySundays

Why is their no passion or sex life?

Figure out your real reasons for this are. Not attracted to him, put off by the fact you are under your MILs roof, hormonal changes since the baby, etc.

Is it a case that you guys are stuck in a rut? It's not incoming with a young child and living with family to save or is it much stronger than that as in all attraction gone and no desire to get it back. Is it the same for him?

Also, have you ever discussed why you aren't married? Is it important to you? To him? The reason I ask is it seems strange not to have discussed at some stage in 9 years.

The suggestion of counselling is a good one. Figure out your own feelings first and then discuss it with him.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058200790/relationship-queries-getting-mortgage

This sounds absolutely awful, not least for that man. You're in a hole. Stop digging. If you're sure this is not some aberrant stage in a long-term relationship but is a permanent shift in your feelings towards him, end the relationship without delay and move on with your life. It is cruel beyond words to stay with your partner if you see him like a brother/friend. Savage. Do not buy a home together as it complicates everything (although a lawyer might say to do precisely that, because you as the woman will have a stronger claim on the home when you kick him out).

There are more important things than money. Explain how you feel to him - he almost certainly already knows and it will be a relief to get clarity. If he doesn't know, he has been blessed to not live with the isolation which that knowledge would bestow. He will get over it, and realise at some stage he had a lucky escape. Be selfish, and explore those far away fields. I doubt there are many men on earth who would like to be relegated to friend zone with their long-term partner. A chilling, emotionally denuding and eviscerating existence. There are no excuses, such as not wanting to break up your family, for cowardice. Most men need that emotional and intimate connection, and when they are stripped of it, your "family" will be far from happy. You're saving everybody pain in the long run. The primary thing now is to ensure your little child knows beyond doubt she is loved and supported by both of you.

notAMember

My advice is to talk to him about this.

He may feel uncomfortable having sex under his mother’s nose as you have suggested.

Talk about the hardships you have been through to together get to this point. Talk about how it has affected your sex life and relationship. See if he feels the same.

Rubberchikken

You need to talk to him.

There's no point going on with new house etc if you're not both in this relationship.

It could be that living under his mother's broof has put a dampner on things. It's not an easy situation to be in and 4 years is a long time.

Talking with a professional can help you to see things more clearly but he does deserve to be included in how you feel too.

Good luck

Neyite

Hold fire until you've moved in. You might find a lot of the spark revives once you have your own space as a family yourselves. You've bought the house now anyway so you might as well see if the move changes things for you.

The toddler years are tough. And especially working full time, it's no surprise that you might lose your mojo a bit. Add in living in MILs house, that's bound to put a bit of a dampener on spontaneous snogs in the kitchen, or impromtu sessions on the sofa. The day to day stuff where there's a toddler needing things instantly, then your work comes next, then housework, relationship intimacy can go so far back to the back of the queue it gets ignored in favour of a decent nights sleep. It's very common to slip into being almost flatmate co-parents rather than the couple you used to be. But happily, if there's affection there, it often can be revived back to where it used to be.

But I think its important to talk to him also. He might be feeling the same as you. Missing intimacy but wondering if it's situational or if it's you both actually falling out of love. If he doesn't see an issue then maybe explore your feelings with a counsellor. And at least if you are living in your own home, navigating a (potential) relationship break up in private with spare rooms to go to will be a hell of a lot easier than breaking up while in your MIL's house with an invested audience.