Unhappy wife

Dual wheels

I’m looking for some help/advice. Myself and my wife have been married now for 7 years and have one child who is 3. My wife has bad depression which she had most of her life, this makes her a very selfish and difficult person a lot of the time but we have mostly worked through it. Over the past few years she would every so often say she was worried about us but never really elaborate. We had our child and the first year she was great but as soon as he started getting busy she changed, she doesn’t like the hassle of being a full time mum. She has become very unsettled the past couple of years, going out and getting drunk which is something she never really did when we were going out. She is obsessed with social media and how she looks. A few months ago she got really drunk on a night out and told me she fancies her coworker, it hurt to hear her say that but I let it go. But recently she has been off. I know she has found the lockdown tough and covid etc but she’s been very off with me, it’s like she doesn’t want me anymore. Then today she tells me she’s worried about us again and that if someone flirted with her she doesn’t know if she wouldn’t act on it. She says our spark is gone. This really hurts, I’ve put a roof over our heads, I bought her a nice car, I pay the mortgage and most of the bills, she is terrible with money and spends everything on clothes. She tells me I don’t give her enough attention any more, but we have a 3 year old so it’s not going to be like it was when it was just us and she got all my attention. I’m beginning to think she’s just used me all this time and now she’s bored with me. I’m happy with my lot and I’ve worked hard to get this far but it never seems to be enough for her. I’ve always put up with her complaining and demands because I never even thought that she would leave me but now I’m worried. I don’t think she would do anything behind my back so I’m worried she’s going to try and separate from me and take our kid away which would destroy me, my whole life is my family. I’m willing to do anything to make it work but is she just walking all over me? Am I overreacting and maybe I should be giving her more attention? I’m just so desolate right now, I’ve done everything right in my mind but still it’s not enough to make her happy and I’m worried she’s going to destroy our family. Any advice appreciated, thank you.

YellowLead

Hi OP, I’m sorry to hear you are into this situation, it’s very tough.

How long were you together before you got married? One thing to ask yourself is was there ever a happy living solid relationship there in the first place? A spark to be saved per se. You says she has been selfish and difficult a lot of the time. I know people with depression can be challenging to live with at times - but I wonder if that is the sole cause of her behaviour, or does she partially use it as an excuse.

Has she elaborated on what she means by more attention? Do you have time alone? Are you still intimate with each other? I know we’ve just been in lockdown which has challenged many relationships. But it’s possible to go for dinner now - can you arrange babysitting and get some dates night out.

It does worry me a little that you seem to pay for almost everything despite the fact she has a job - how did you get into the routine of that? Money certianly doesn’t buy love.

anndub

There seems to be an awful lot of speaking in code going on. Do you not sit down and have a conversation when she comes out with concerns about your relationship, thrash it out? You've mentioned a few bombshell comments but they don't seem to have been discussed beyond your emotional reaction?! It sounds like your wife is making ham fisted attempts at highlighting there's a problem and you're retreating into your shell in panic at the sheer thought of it.

Book yourselves into relationship counselling ASAP. There seems to be a complete absence of healthy communication in your marriage around everything from the basics like money to the more complex including having each others needs met. You are living in a state of constant anxiety because of it and your wife is trying to plug the gap with alcohol and shopping.

By the way "putting a roof over her head" or buying a flash car aren't tickets to a happy marriage. That way of thinking is gone out with the cavemen and I'd gently urge you to move away from it if you want a long, healthy marriage.

JeffKenna

That's tough, I'm sorry no real advise but just wanted to say I feel for you.

Depression is very tough on the person with it and close family in their orbit.

It may never go away, even with medication.

There's no mention of love in your post. If you are only staying with your wife to maintain the family unit and stay with your child its going to get very tough unless you have a serious, all cards on the table conversation with your wife. She may also be testing boundaries or looking to see if you really love her (there is a big difference) but either will be tough on you.

Personally I wouldn't stay in a relationship long term if being treated like a door mat.

Jequ0n

Is she receiving or seeking treatment for her depression? Or has she ever?

Big Bag of Chips

Alberta64, generalisations such as yours above are not helpful. Personal Issues is a heavily moderated forum due to the sensitive nature of the posts here.

Please familiarise yourself with The Form Charter before posting in PI/RI again.

Sunny Disposition

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058200725/unhappy-wife

Sunny Disposition

I'm very sorry for you, it's a very tough situation to be in.

Mind yourself, clearly your wife isn't going to. Living with depression is hard of course, but I think it gets forgotten that living with someone who has it is also very tough, and in some cases may be genuinely intolerable.

I'd strongly suggest you start seeing a counsellor, they'll help you find a path forward.

It really does sound like she's walking all over you and treating you terribly, so I don't think it's a question of you not paying her enough attention. I presume you know it wouldn't be okay for you to tell her you were attracted to someone you meet regularly, or to say you might sleep with someone else if they came onto you. I hope you can see it is totally unacceptable for her to be at this. The mental illness doesn't excuse it, unless she is making a serious effort to overcome it.

Please do get some counselling, for yourself.

Neyite

I'd advise you to look into counselling for the two of you if you can - neither of you are effectively communicating. It sounds that both of you are unhappy with aspects of your relationship but either you can't constructively say it to each other or are too afraid to say something that you feel might be an opener for a discussion on splitting up.

Counselling might help you both navigate through discussion to either rekindle your relationship, or give you both clarity and guidance on how to separate in a way that minimises disruption to both of you but particularly your child's life.

OscarBluth

OP it sounds even from your own account of it that you're describing two different conversations.

Your wife is unhappy being a full-time mother (I assume you mean she stays at home? But then you mention a co-worker, so is she working part-time?), struggles with depression, feels the spark is gone and you're not paying her enough attention.

Your response is to describe things you have bought her and how you support her financially and she's not great with money. No mention of what you've done to emotionally support her, or saying 'she says the spark is gone and I don't pay her attention even though we go out for dinner/I bought a thoughtful gift for her birthday/etc etc'. A lot of people impulse buy, and drink, in response to being unhappy.

If she's struggling with motherhood, in the first instance I'd make sure she's getting outside support for the depression. Post-natal depression is more common in women with a history of depression and often not picked up. I'd also see what support you can provide to get her back to work, and make sure you're doing 50% of the parenting when you are available. If you're paying for everything and describing her as a 'full-time mother' I assume she's either not working or working part-time. Some people can't handle that, and do better when both parents work and split all the parenting. I'd at least give that a try. Even if its not financially much benefit, it will be a huge benefit to all of you if it helps her mental health.

You also haven't described much what you've done to try to reconnect. At 3, with covid restrictions easing, can the two of you go away for a weekend with someone else minding your child? Can you arrange a regular date night?

It shouldn't all be on you, but it does sound like she's flagged a good few times that she's struggling. Given the absolute hassle of a split, I think you really need to try and do what you can - individual counselling for her, maybe after time joint counselling for both of you, and reassess the situation at home to see if a return to full time work would help. The relationship shouldn't be all about what she needs, but equally it sounds like you do a huge amount you see as being 'for her' but it may not actually be what she's looking for.

Piollaire

I'm sorry to say that the current signs are that your relationship is on track for separation/divorce. If you want to work at keeping the family unit together that is up to you but I would recommend that you at least prepare yourself for that not working out. Your primary concern should be to make sure you get shared custody of the child. You need to take an active part in everything to do with the care of the child to demonstrate to a judge that it is in the best interest of the child that you get shared custody. You need to consider where you would live if you split up and that the location is suitable for schools/childcare. I would keep a diary of your parenting. At all costs don't be provoked into losing your temper which will put you in a very weak position. I'd also consult with a family law solicitor so that you are forearmed about what could be ahead of you. Best of luck to you.

statto25

Was there ever a spark OP? That feeling you get being with the one you love? Not the home and away smooching on the beach with moonlight but that feeling of love and content being with your wife.

You mention your wife doesn't want to be a full-time mother but as someone with experience of depression and having a small child, it wasn't the case for me. The sheer turmoil going on in my head meant once I returned home from work all I wanted to do is sleep or just be alone. Its a horrible spot to be in but can be worked on with counseling.

You list things you have done to "make her happy" which are all materialistic. You mention she buys a lot of clothing, would this be to fill a void perhaps?

I am not defending her actions, I am trying to look past the "bad" and towards the reason. I never got this chance in my own life and was branded all sorts of things.

Couples counseling is certainly needed but first your Wife needs to address her own issues. She has unresolved issues which may be nothing to do with you but you getting the brunt of it now. Once she delves into her own past she will be able to look at the relationship

Fred Astaire

Firstly OP, be aware that this forum is very pro woman in most situations. Theres a post above mine which tries to put all the blame on her absolutely unacceptable behaviour on you. Absolutely laughable stuff. I can absolutely assure you that if a woman came on here saying that her husband was always out getting drunk, messaging girls, talking about how they wanted to ride co-workers and saying that they didn't think they could turn other women down - there wouldn't be one post where the woman was told what she could have done better. Not one.

I can only speak on my own experiences of depression (and experiences of some people close to me) but when I'm in a particularly bad spot I am definitely not out on the town sizing up new women. I'm barely taking care of myself, barely washing/barely leaving the house/eating shite. Complete and utter apathy about life. Obviously people can have different experiences but I'd be wary when I hear depression used as an excuse for this kind of behaviour. It really feels like this 'depression' is just an excuse to treat you like dirt. Depression is not a free pass to treat people like ****.

Onto the other stuff - your post is filled with more red flags than a communist rally.

Firstly, how could you not pull her up on this vague nonsense of how she was 'worried about ye'? That's something that you should be pulled up on - you've been sleepwalking forward as she has gotten less and less interested. I don't know if you thought having a child would make all the issues go away? It never ever does.

Secondly - Obsession with social media and looks (let me guess - plenty of provocative pictures of her?), out getting pissed regularly, talking about other men, and basically telling you she will have an affair. The alarm bells should be well and truly ringing loud here. I'm not sure that any amount of marriage counselling will fix this rotten behaviour. She is no longer attracted to you and I wonder if she ever was or was for very long.

Honestly, I'd be shocked if she hasn't had an affair already.

You need to ensure that you have things in place for when this inevitably blows up. Sure you can try and talk it out but if there's no attraction and she's behaving like a single woman and openly talking about potential affairs - the time where talking would have had any impact is long gone.

Make sure to start keeping notes on what you are doing with your child. Start putting away some cash savings somewhere safe.

statto25

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117662693#Comment_117662693

You on about my post?

Fred Astaire

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117662730#Comment_117662730

No the Oscar Bluth one.

Though as I said the responses are littered with things that would never, ever be said if the OP had a different gender and described the same experiences.

LillySV

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117662693#Comment_117662693

Couldn’t have worded it better myself , totally agree

she's already throwing out the pseudo excuses so she's either:

-contemplated something happening

or

-something has already happened and she's doing the **** round about hint way of it coming out

depression or not, this crap needs to be nipped in the bud for your own sake....

Be prepared to walk away.... "but our marriage and kid" ... this crap means nothing if she's already doing the above, except to you

DeanAustin

Fred's right on several counts above. Was in a very, very similar situation to you. I got to the point where enough was enough and her behaviour went off the charts and she became impossible to reason with. There are too many warning signs in your post IMO - you're in a bad position.

So my advice is, you're probably obliged to try and save the marriage especially if you do love her. If you don't, get out but be prepared. It's a bloody difficult road. No-one comes out of it well but men have a harder time of it in terms of the way the legal system works and how you'll be judged. You won't end up destitute seeing your kid once every two weeks, which was my fear, if you're willing to fight your corner but you will come out of it worse off.

Strumms

If a wife / partner etc turned around and said ...” I’m thinking about / wanting to have and affair “ Id be of the realization that the the marriage is over. No coming back from that...I’d obtain legal advice as a priority...

Some ‘mental health’ BS isn’t an excuse although she will try to use it as a get out of jail free card or to hit you over the head with if things get messy....

so obtain legal advice. Watch out for yourself.

airy fairy

Imo, I think your wife needs to talk to her GP or therapist if she has one.

The not being satisfied, the lack of wanting and needing to parent, the doubt of relationship, the complaints of lack of money, especially you've said she spends all her money on clothes shows to me that she's going through a manic phase.

Depression can be treated by medication and therapy, but every now and again, with the very best intentions, it will swing. Several people who admit themselves to residential mental care due to manic states will tell you that they readmit themselves every so often for a change of treatment or a reset.

Mental health will always remain in the background no matter how blissful things may seem for months or years.

How likely would she be to you suggesting she visits her GP about where she's at?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117662753#Comment_117662753

Just quoting this for emphasis....

TheadoreT

You've listed a lot of very ugly traits about her personality and not one redeeming point really in the entire post. And yet you still crave her approval and love. From an outsiders perspective its hard to see how she could respect you if she treats you like dirt and you keep accepting this behaviour. It's equally if not more difficult to see why you respect her the way she's been treating you and boils down to lack of self respect.

Guys often fall into this trap when feeling a partner slip away, they become even more of a pushover as don't want to upset the seemingly impossible to please wife, so just end up appeasing all the bad behavior in fear of losing something (that's only making them miserable anyway) . When you're not willing to lose someone who can behave terribly towards you, you've already lost them.

For your daughters sake try negotiate the end of this and beginning of your new life with more dignity, as she deserves a father who can teach her a positive self image.

notAMember

You may have heard of the 7 year itch. I’m not sure if it is a real phenomenon or not, but the popsci theory is that 7 years is about the right amount of time to have a child and raise it to less dependence (weaned). Freeing up the parents for new relationships. 7 years is about the time that a lot of people feel stagnant in general with their lot. Similar phenomena with cars, houses too apparently.

You and your wife could be in that phase now , where it takes some effort from both of you to stay together. If you do want to salvage the relationship, I echo the earlier suggestion for counselling,

best of luck OP, it reads as if she has already checked out.

(And seriously, are the posts undermining people’s advice based on their gender necessary?)

Big Bag of Chips

Depression and mental health issues do not excuse your wife's behaviour. But I'm sure she uses it all the time to stop you from challenging her. I know a woman who behaves exactly like you describe. To the point I wonder are you actually talking about her. She has suffered from depression since she was a teen and now wears it as her identity. She writes blogs. She runs depression support pages on Facebook and Instagram. She puts herself forward as this beacon of light and hope for all who suffer... And she treats her husband like crap. She cheated on him with a work colleague, and when he questioned her, she attempted suicide. (She locked herself in a bathroom with loads of tablets. She didn't actually take anything, but she frightened him enough to ensure he'd back off and not question her).

He now lives a life pretending to be OK. Pretending that she's faithful. Pretending that she's so strong and so supportive of everyone.

My husband suffers with depression and for a long time used it as an excuse to behave like a dick. If I ever objected I was told that I didn't understand. I told him living with his depression was difficult for me too but he'd turn that around to me trying to claim it was harder for me than it was for him. That's never what I was saying, but depression is a selfish illness. It was only when I stood up and said "enough" that he actually admitted to me, and himself, that he was a dickhead for years, and it wasn't the depressions fault. It was just him using it as an excuse.

Your wife is using her depression as an excuse. She's using it as a way to control you and scare you into letting her do what she likes.

You can try counselling as a couple, but I think counselling for yourself would be hugely beneficial. I always thought I was one of those "together" people who didn't need counselling, who advised it for other people. Until one day I realised I was always unhappy. I was always on edge. My needs, my happiness was always coming second to him. Counselling helped me see that. And counselling gave me the space to figure it out and the courage to say "no more".

I don't think you're quite there yet. It takes time. But if you don't change something, then nothing will change. Start looking after your own mental health. Your wife will be OK. People like her always are. They look out for number 1. Sometimes we have to take a leaf from their book!

SunnySundays

I might be reading it wrong but you seem very passive in all of this. She throws out statements like "I'm worry about us", "I fancy a co worker", "I might cheat if someone flirted with me".

Where do your feelings come into this? You seem to let the comments go rather than discuss it. She seems extremely cold and self serving. You need to start looking after you,maybe discuss it with a very close friend or counsellor but no one deserves that treatment. Depression doesn't exclude bad behaviour and anyone I know who was clinically diagnosed had loss of libido rather than growth. (I know bipolar is different but she hasn't been diagnosed with that either).

Start putting yourself first.

osarusan

Depression or not, she is treating you like absolute crap, and she can't fail to be aware of that, yet keeps doing it.

She has you twisted right around her little finger - she is doing and saying all these things and you are wondering whether it's you who needs to give her more attention.

Stop blaming yourself, thinking it's you who needs to change, and excusing her behaviour.

Bobtheman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117661877#Comment_117661877

What a caring understanding person you are?! Terrible attitude. I hope nobody ever has to rely on you. Though I suspect you live alone.

Bobtheman

Two simple steps. Step one insist she gets help for the depression. It might be undiagnosed post natal depression on top of her existing depression

Secondly have a real long chat about what she means. Get her to elaborate.

If that does not work suggest marriage councelling.

She might be open to other men in her head as a way of dealing with her issues.

Rubberchikken

Mod note

Alberta64

PI is for help/advice to op not for demeaning mental health issues.

Rubberchikken