Early 40's and in a long term rut
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22-07-2021 4:10pm#1
I have been living and working in the same area the past 10 years and I as I get older I start to really get depressed about my current situation in life . I am not married nor do I have kids . I haven't had the best of luck with women down through the years . I am quite overweight and because of that I am very insecure in myself with very little confidence . I know how to lose the weight and get into great shape but the process is next to impossible for me because throughout the years of loneliness and boredom I have developed a serious alcohol dependency and despite having a decent job throughout the years I have next to no savings. This one really depresses me about the savings, I've been very stupid with my money. Most women aren't going to want to have anything to do with me at my age with no money. At my age now I have given up the idea of ever getting married or having kids. I don't think I actually want kids anyway. What I would like to do is to travel but my job despite paying decent isn't very highly skilled . I envy the guys that can travel all around the world and use their laptop as their office. This is a pipe dream for me at this stage. Anyway I have set some goals for myself that I do have 100% control of. I will either do it or I won't but it would be an accident whatever path I go down . I am going to quit the drink, join a gym and start eating healthy so I can loose some weight. The steps involved in getting in shape are actually quite easy , the hard part is the adherence to do what you know over and over again . To me however getting my finances in order by saving/investing what I currently earn and perhaps boosting my income is a much more difficult skill. Would appreciate some advice on that and in general about everything I've written.
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Do you live alone or share a house?
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live alone
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Whereabouts in the country are you? I'd imagine it's not Dublin if you're able to rent a place yourself.
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id prefer not to disclose that. I know I shouldn't be ashamed about what I have written because I'm not hurting anyone apart from myself . But I am so I would like to retain some autonomy . Its not Dublin
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From a finance point of view, I would seek advise , perhaps from a broker. Lots of them out there who will give you good advice and dont charge directly for it. I've used them in the past as I'm not great with money and needed help. You're never too late to start over - I've been reading a story recently of a journalist in her 50's who retrained as a teacher to fulfill a life-long dream.
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If you plan to give up alcohol, you may already have one of the answers to your problem.
Put the money you would normally spend on alcohol somewhere that it's hard to get at it. Then watch it grow.
But more important - if you don't already - start a budget with enough detail that you know what you're spending your money on. Then you can look at where you can make saving.
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Women aren't usually bothered about weight, especially in their 40s. They care about personality and stability. You need a complete change.
First off, go on holiday on your own, somewhere you've never been and have always wanted to go. In the next few weeks if possible.
Lay off the drink, get some CBD oil... the good stuff, not Boots crap. Little Collins is good.
Second, reconnect with friends.
Third, improve your wardrobe.
Get a hobby... an interesting hobby. Porn doesn't count as a hobby btw.
Move house.
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"I am going to quit the drink, join a gym and start eating healthy"
If you give 100% to those 3 things you will be surprised how quickly everything else falls into place.
Don't focus on the everything right now as that will overwhelm you and you won't do anything.
For the next 6 months just focus on those 3 things as that will be a huge achievement.
Keep the other things written down on a piece of paper in a drawer and come back and look at it in January.
For those 3 things you have to set a SMART goal (google this - mindtools).
Focus on what you can control, i.e) "I will go to the gym 5 days each week", not things you can't such as "I will lose X kg per week."
When you go off the drink and don't have hangovers you are less likely to eat sh1te food so those things are linked as well as beer being heavy on the calories.
I was never a fan of running on a treadmill or lifting heavy things in front of a full length mirror, maybe there are hiking clubs near you that you could join and get out and about a meet some people who you don't know through the pub;) there is a website called meetup for things like this.
Don't bother with the 'having one last beer with netflix or finishing whatever you have in the fridge" this evening, pour whatever you have down the sink now. The other killer when living alone is watching nonsense on tv late, being tired the next day, getting a takeout or throwing a pizza in the oven. Have a time when you turn off the TV and put down the phone. You don't have to go to bed, just switch off the screens... music and books are good.
Good luck.
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Forget wondering what women want. Some will want you exactly as you are. Some will want something different. You need to be putting yourself in a position to meet them. Dating apps, speed dating whatever.
The most serious thing you mentioned is the serious alcohol dependency. That's probably affecting your wealth, your health and your depression. And possibly your drive to go meet someone. Talk to your GP about it.
You can definitely change. And I mean you could change a LOT in just two/three months. That's no time so don't get too down about your current situation. People change all the time.
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Hi. Could you consider an online dropshipping business on the side for some extra income? and the freedom to do it from anywhere.
There are lots or ways to work and make money online from your phone or PC if you really look into it.
Digital nomads and all that. I have been living abroad since last october based on the income from dropshipping/e commerce stores. I dont have any degree in web design or marketing but shopify and similar platforms are relatively easy to get the hang of if you are genuinely interested.
Any questions pm me as i genuinely think this could work quite well for you.
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Have you tried myfitnesspal? At 50, I used it as an indicator of my daily calories and it really just confirmed that I was eating too much and eating foods that were too high in fat and sugar. I didnt use the app religiously but it was useful as an indicator to track food intake. I went from borderline obese to 25% overweight, dont pay too much attention to the BMI categories. It felt really good buying trousers that were a size smaller.
I also started couch to 5k around the same time and still run occassionally, having never ran before. Adjusting calorie intake is the major factor in weight loss.
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Was in a similar situation about 5 years ago. Working in a job that paid well but I hated it. Had a mortgage that I could manage without any problems, however no money in the bank. Eventually, I met a (now, very good) friend after about 5-6 years on the street and he asked me where it all went wrong. I had gained 30+kg in 5 years, I was never out and felt as if I was alone. Spending my money on sh1te .... mostly take aways, drink and pay tv. I had become a hermit, only went to work to have the money to pay for the lifestyle.
About a week after meeting I decided things needed to change .... I started going out walking in the evening (some evenings I took the neighbours dog), went shopping every Thursday at the local supermarket, would watch the local football team if they were playing and me out for my walk. Step by step I took control of my life, got out of the rut I was in. More movement helped with the weight, going shopping once (max twice) a week with a list, meant I had to think about what I was eating or better said cooking from scratch and then came the drink ... I cut it out totally and dont miss it. Started sticking between €200-400 per month in the credit union (depending on what I could afford from saving on drink etc.) and low and behold, I was looking at holidays soon after.
Once I was happy with my weight and my new outgoing self, I realised I enjoyed the ould football, not playing but the tactics ... so agreed to help train a kids team. 6 months later I was out 3-4 times per week, walking 5-6 evenings per week, weight was going down and the job wasnt as bad as I felt it was. Not too long after I was invited to a wedding by one of the lads in the football club, wasnt going to go as I no longer drink but was forced to. One of the lads told me he was collecting me and wasnt accepting any excuses as I was driving him home afterwards... well it was a great day out and sure didnt I meet a very nice young lady. Didnt think I would have a chance with her, at about 1-2 she said she was leaving as she had a badysitter at home and didnt want to be out too long. Well I offered to drive her home, save the taxi (was my mates car and petrol) and she was over the moon ... dropped her to the door and a man in his 30s opened it. Sure I went back to the wedding, feeling like a fool ... babysitter my arse I was thinking. In the car on the way home at the end of the night, my mate got an sms asking for my number, the young lady didnt have the courage to ask me as the situation outside the house was odd. Turned out it was her brother who was babysitting (as she nicely put it) their mother who was waiting for a place in a home due to servere illness. Today she is my wife, I am permanently broke but wouldnt change a thing.
Moral of the story is .... if you want to change something get up and do it. Stick with it, get out more and do it for no one but yourself. Getting off the drink will be a good first move, eating healthy is the second one and then the rest will fall into place. Important is to get out .... say hello to people you pass on the street and dont hide. Finances ... start with saving the drink money, then after a few weeks of meal / lunch planning re-evaluate things and see if you can or want to save more. You dont have to invest or anything, a credit union account will be a good start to get into the habit of saving. Important is that you do it for you, that you want to do it and that you stick to your plan consequently for at least 12-16 weeks.
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I would recommend joining the AA. As a socially isolated problem drinker you're going to find it next to impossible to give up drink alone and going to meetings will give you that bit of support with it.
Joining the gym is a great idea but I'd recommend going for walks first. Commit to 4 or 5 decent size walks per week for a month or two. If you can manage that you'll already been in the habit of exercising when you join the gym. Most people that join the gym loose interest after a few months so walking will test your commitment and it's free. Put healthy eating along with the walks and you should see a decent weight loss over the next month or 2.
If you have online banking or a bank statement handy take it out and go through your outgoings. Presumably alcohol will be a sizeable chunk of your outgoings. But is there other things? Takeaways, meals out, subscriptions you don't need. Calculate all the unnecessary things and decide what's essential... Electricity, car running costs, rent/mortgage etc and see how much you need a month to live comfortably. Set up a standing order into a savings account for the rest from every pay day. If you think you'll be tempted put it into prize bonds or deposit accounts with notice periods.
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Despite what you read on the internet, women are not all out seeking thin, rich, tall men and refusing to look at anyone else, in the same way that every man doesn't insist that their partners be swim suit models.
Well done for recognising some of the issues, and taking steps to sort them out. As 9214 said, setting specific, realistic, measurable goals is a good start (such as 3 x 45min gym sessions a week).
In terms of saving money, work out roughly how much you currently spend on alcohol per pay cheque at the moment, and setting up a standing order to send that amount to a separate account every pay day. If your alcohol bill comes to €150 a month, then every month on payday make that money vanish to a deposit account/elsewhere. Longer term, a financial adviser can help you figure out the best thing to do with it, but the immediate short term goal is to get into the habit of saving.
Think about your goal to travel in a series of steps. It's not a single leap from "working here" to "being a digital nomad". Let's say you're an electrician at the moment, and your end goal is a software developer working from a beach somewhere (BTW, I don't know any devs who do that). Sit down and draw out the inbetween steps - if you work for a company is there some training they could sponsor? Your new savings will be part of the steps - if you have to move to a lower pay to get your foot on the ladder, your savings may help cushion things like rent while you build your salary up again.
TLDR:
- Talk to your doctor about getting support for the alcohol dependency
- Set up a direct debit to move a certain sum out of your immediate reach every pay day
- Set goals for things like the gym and healthy eating
- Ask your doctor if she thinks some counselling would help you get out of the rut and work through the insecurities and confidence.
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I have nothing to add really - you have been given all excellent advice in every response so far. You have also taken a huge step already, whether you realise it or not - in that you have admitted you need to change, you want to change, and you have asked for help. I just want to wish you all the luck.
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Cliche answer is you've got to love yourself first.
You seem to have an addictive personality, addiction to alcohol, addiction to food, addiction to buying crap. So professional help is probably needed.
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Additional comment about the healthy eating - someone else already mentioned myfitnesspal for tracking calories, and I'd second that, I find it really good. Another friend of mine started using it a few years back, and was shocked when he saw the trends. He had a long commute to work, so would grab something small heading out the door, then stop for coffee and a snack in a petrol station, then get to work and get a canteen breakfast around 9:30. He realised he was eating over 1,000 calories a day before 10am - and then went on to have a big lunch, dinner, pints and snacks later.
When you first start cooking for one, it can seem a bit daunting, or you make the mistake of polishing off a recipe intended to feed 2-4 people. Or else there's days you're tired, and think "feck it, I'll grab a takeaway". Get into the habit of freezing things in individual portions, ready to reheat/cook for the lazy nights. Over time you'll build up a bank of tasty, healthy meals in the freezer so that if you had a bad week there's something to fall back on. In winter I make giant pots of soup and freeze them in "mug size" portions every week or so for when I'm really too tired for anything. I also found when living alone that frozen veg are great. I'd never get through a whole cauliflower alone before it started rotting, but frozen veg are still way better than "no veg", and with a few different types in the freezer I can grab a handful of cauliflower tonight, or baby carrots tomorrow, etc. Plus there's no prep involved :)
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Fair play for putting that all out there. That can't be easy. One bit of good news on the weight loss, is that in some respects the first pounds are the easiest. If you can exercise when heavy, the extra weight you are carrying makes the exercise harder and delivers bigger losses. On this, i am a huge fan of setting targets. Every year, i have a number written down for the amount of visits i will make to the gym and i literally cross them off visit by visit. I need that target, otherwise i wont bother.
On money. The best advice i have is keep a diary for a few weeks, or if you work off a credit card/laser, go through your bank statements and see where your money is going. Pulling back on the booze will help, but there is probaby other stuff that is waste. Move pretty quickly to set up a credit union account and set up a direct debit into it. A decent chunk of money and early in the week / month depending on how often you are paid. If you dont have access to the money easily, it is harder to spend. If you find you need to ratchet it up or down, then you can.
Also, look at things at Adverts and Done deal as a way of releasign some cash for old stuff you dont need. Put all that money into savings.
Dont worry about women. Worry about getting happy with yourself. Once you start taking control of a few things, the rest will get easier.
Good luck.
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An easy way to limit what you spend is get a revolout card. Lodge a small amount of money on this every week and use that as your spending money.
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The only piece of advice I can add, is to set small goals.
If you decide to make a sea change, and immediately stop drinking / start exercising / eat healthy all on a monday morning, by Wednesday, you'll be convincing yourself that you deserve a treat for the 3 days of misery you put down.
start by setting a goal of no beer for a week, or cut out sugar or soft drinks, and then try to carry those successes forwards. once you've maintained them for about 30 days, make another small change, and keep building on those successes.
Its important to appreciate that you didnt get to where you were overnight, so you wont get out of it overnight either. But the fact that you're aware of a need for change is the first positive step. Best of luck with it.
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Thanks to everyone that contributed to this thread.Alot of very insightful and helpful comments . Im going to definitely take them on board. I think I need to focus on quitting the booze exercising and eating healthy for now. I never mentioned how big I was. At only 6ft tall I'm 23 stone. I think for now long walks and healthy food is the best plan. I think it might be a wise decision to cut some of this weight off before I start back lifting weights as it will be very tough on my joints otherwise . Ill report back in a month
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Just to add to some excellent advice already here, there's a motivation and personal development forum on boards here; https://www.boards.ie/group/1373-motivation-and-personal-development which can be good for tracking your goals and getting a bit of encouragement on the way. It's a private forum so you may need to contact one of the mods to get access, @Delirium would be a good bet, https://www.boards.ie/profile/Delirium Personally I find that writing a goal down in a forum great to motivate me to follow through with it.
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People also have the option of requesting access via this thread -> Motivational and Personal Development Access Requests
If you can read this, you're too close!
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I'd suggest looking at joining a local Toastmasters club as a first step.
There are about 120 clubs in Ireland. Its cheap (about €100 for a year), it's local and you will find all types of people in the club.
It's primarily aimed to get over fears of public speaking. Most people think that this is when you are in front of a large audience, but that's only one scenario. If you are in a staff meeting at work, you are public speaking. If you are with a group of friends, you are public speaking, if you are having a discussion with someone, you are public speaking. Its all about confidence and that confidence permeates into all parts of your life.
You could very easily create your speeches about you journey on becoming fitter and if you want the club members to motivate you to lose weight, they'll do that.
But no matter what part of the country you are in, there's a club nearby (mostly still on zoom)
On the travel side - here's the bonus. There are 35,000 clubs around the world. You can attend any one of them as a guest. That gives you access to local people with local knowledge and in many cases they will meet up with you and show off their locality. My wife is off to Ghana in Sept on an educational training trip and she has hooked up with the local toastmasters club by Zoom (she's a member here). One of their members will meet her at the airport and bring her to her hotel and bring her out on the first night. - Just an example of the little extras that you can get from it.
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Hi OP,
The first thing I would point out is that your envy of the people going all over the world with their laptop is often misplaced. I know a few such people. And they are miserable looking at people like you who are settled in one place and can build a routine and a direction in their life. Whereas they go from hotel to hotel - location to location - with no real over arching narrative in their life or direction.
And it makes many of them miserable. Many of them go to all these wonderful cities but see almost nothing of them because most of their time is spent going from office to hotel and back to office again. So what looks like an exciting jet setting life to you if - for many of them - a never ending state of limbo in which nothing really happens or changes. The grass is often greener as they say.
In general there are people happy and miserable in every way of life. It comes down to whether you can make the best of what you have or not. And if you can not - then there is no guarantee that if you shift your life style over to something else that you will automatically get the joy you expect there after all. You will just be miserable in a different way.
But - since you seem not to have that option to change your entire life to something like that right now - it is a moot point. Right now you want to change your life to the point where you might even have the option to consider those other changes. And you have identified health and financial goals which should get you into a position to consider those things. So a good first step either way. But what might happen is that you walking the path to achieve those goals leaves you happy with the life you have now - and you find in the end you are not looking at those other lifestyles with any envy any more and are happy where you are.
As for advice - I would say that if you find adherence a big problem in your life then do not try to do too much too soon. Because if you do and you fail - you will lose hope and motivation and feed the self doubt and depression you sound like you have already formed.
Rather - consider taking a slow incremental approach to everything. For example if you are taking up the gym or running then do not feel you have to show up on day one and run/gym for an hour or two. Because it will be a shock to the system and while you might manage it on the first day or second day - by the third day you will be on the sofa and not be able to do it. And you will wrongly feel a failure when you can not make yourself do it on that day.
So consider getting the running gear on - or getting yourself to the gym - even if you only spend 5 minutes actually doing the gym or the running. On the second day make it 6 minutes. The third day 7 minutes. And so on. It might feel silly going all the way to the gym or getting ready to run if you are only going to spend 7 minutes at it. But - what you are doing is actually threefold. First you are building your body up to that exercise slowly. Second you are also building that routine into your life systematically and building routines and habits is half the battle. And third you are setting achievable goals and hitting your goals consistently - even small ones that seem silly - can be more beneficial than you know. A lot of people do not credit enough the mental power of hitting and missing goals. It can genuinely affect our motivation profoundly.
If you are at all into gaming consider mobile phone games that require you to get out and about. I can recommend Pokemon Go, Ingress, Harry Potter Wizards Unite, and The Witcher Monster Slayer for this. To play them you actively have to get up off your ass and go walking. And you can be out for hours doing that. Consider timing the playing of such games with the times you would usually be thinking of alcohol. Getting out of the house - and using that time for other things - can undermine the usual triggers that will send you down the alcohol route. Identify the triggers and locations and times that usually make you go for alcohol - and intentionally aim to be out of harms way at those times and triggers. For example for me in my past when alcohol was a problem it was the wind down of Friday night that triggered me to most want a drink. So rather than go home after work on a Friday and relax - I made sure I was out doing something actively at that time. This totally knee capped the Devil of Drink and he could do nothing against me.
With the healthy eating - do it meaningfully. Don't just change your food - but change your entire routines around food. Many people cook and eat food in a way that looks like food is something that's in the way of the other things they want to do in their life. They rush through it so they can get back to their TV or gaming or drinking or gym or whatever else. Try to make getting food, cooking food, eating food, enjoying food.... an event and goal in and of itself. A hobby even. And try to learn new things and new recipes and new options. A story with meaning each day with a beginning a middle and an end. Setup conflict and resolution. It is not something that gets in the way of the rest of life. It is itself a part of your life. Derive as much enjoyment from the whole process as you can. And like above - see it as a goal you are setting and achieving each day. Acknowledge the achievement of that goal and credit yourself for it and benefit from hitting your goals. Hitting goals consistently - and noticing when we do that - can give meaning and pride in ones life. And if you are trying to fill time you usually fill with alcohol - consider replacing a large weekly shop with a daily trip by foot / bike. So each day you are setting out with the goal of obtaining food for that evening and next morning. Maybe pop a banana or hard boiled egg before you go shopping as they are good appetite suppressors so you will be less likely to impulse buy junk or comfort food when in the shop. Plan daily shopping lists and stick to them.
What I hope you will also find is things like alcohol and finances will start to sort themselves out too as you focus on things like health and fitness and good eating. You still need to put some effort into improving those things of course. But take heart in the fact that each area you work on - will likely have beneficial impacts on those other areas too. And remember anything you remove from your life (like alcohol or junk food) will leave a hole in your life. If you do not fill that hole with another hobby or outlet - then nature abhors a vacuum and the temptation to fill that hole with the old habit will overpower you. Ain't no one got the will power to maintain a vacuum like that in their life long term. But even knowing that - failures make us feel like failures rather than simply stumbling on the right path. So don't setup failures to happen when you can avoid them. And don't take failures or falling off the wagon personally if you can. We all stumble - it does not make us weak people or bad people. Giving up does. Falling or failing - and pulling yourself up again and continuing on - means you are strong. Not weak. Remember that.
Don't be afraid to ask for help and tell others of your struggles and need for support. If you have a trusted other person consider also giving them all your money in such a way that you actively have to ask them for it for things like rent and food and justify taking it. Tell them not to be giving you money for alcohol and the like. Thats the nuclear option of course - only if you think you need it. Just an option to keep in mind.
Finally - constantly remind yourself what you are doing - why you are doing it - and what your goals are. It might seem silly to make a list of these things and read them to yourself every morning and evening. But actually it is quite powerful and motivating. And one of the most powerful weapons things like laziness and alcohol have over people is that over time - they make themselves feel not so bad and leave you saying to yourself "Sure - what was the problem anyway - why did I even bother stopping?". They are tricksters that way. You feel you really want them out of your life now - but over time they trick you into wondering why you felt that way and maybe it was not all that bad after all. Don't fall for those tricks. Remind yourself constantly why you wanted out especially on those days when those reasons seem furthest away. A lot of people know depression and low mood can make an alcoholic fall off the wagon. But actually the opposite can be more true which surprises a lot of people. It's the moments we feel most healthy and powerful that we start to think of alcohol as not so bad and that we can handle it and "Sure after all I did I deserve a drink".
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The part about being married and permanently broke made me laugh so much, and it rings true. I know how you feel and with a toddler and wife I am always chasing my tail but I love her and thats that.
Meanwhile, OP. I would try and go talk to someone. Somebody like a life coach or alternate therapy. As for the gym, I never did it. I just walked and calorie counted! Lost 18kg and have managed to keep it off. The gym pissed me off to be honest, too many up their own arse gym bunnys!
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Yeah I too tried the Gym on two occasions and I had no interest in it. Not so much because of the Gym Bunnies as I am quite good at ignoring people that are contemptuous :)
For me it was more the "sameyness" of it all. You get on a walking or running machine and that's it. No variety or feeling in the activity. Where if I am running along a road I feel the imperfections in the path - I dodge the slugs - I feel the uphills and the downhills - I see the changing people and scenery - I see or hear the wild life - I am exposed to a different weather each time. Each run is it's own story in a way the gym rarely offers.
I could imagine even after two visits how quickly I would lose interest in it. I go for a run and I am never 100% sure what I will see or feel. I go towards a gym and I pretty much already know everything exactly how it will be when I get there. And that just bores the bejaysus out of me. I'd never last with a gym membership.
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I would suggest that you prioritise what you want to address. If you try to give up the drink, lose weight, change career, get a girlfriend etc. etc. you will quickly get disheartened, as it will not be possible to make progress on all of these. Sometimes we are scared of the challenge and a way our minds use to avoid the challenge is to make it a huge one that cannot be tackled.
Looking from the outside, if you have an alcohol dependency, that is going to scupper any short term progress you make on your other challenges. I suggest that you address that first. Look at AA. It is tough going, but if you follow it, it will give you freedom from dependency and once you have that, it will be much easier to make sustainable progress on the other aspects of your life.
Be gentle with yourself. You are not in this position because you are a bad person or a weak character or a loser. Despite how you feel now, you have most likely already achieved a huge amount in your life, and even managing to hold down a steady job despite your alcohol dependency is an achievement. Address the alcohol, and then start to look at what else you would like to change.
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Try to change your lifestyle. You need to overcome your depression. Going to the gym is a good idea. But if you're a brave person, you can change jobs and go on trips. Isn't that what you want?
Post edited by MarkLotek on0 -
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I would classify that one under "placebo" at the moment as other than a few anecdotes online there is little to no evidence that it does anything at all. Not helped by distortions of evidence from the supposed "NoFap" movement.
And what little the anecdotes report it doing could easily often be allocated to aspects of doing it that are nothing to do with the thing itself. For example the setting of - and meeting of - personal goals is always a good motivator and positive for well being.
So by all means try something like that OP - and if it makes a positive change in your life great - but do not be let down or disillusioned if it does absolutely nothing for you at all. And certainly do not blame yourself for any lack of results or benefits. It is dubious at best that it will bring you much at all.
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