Boyfriend and his family have gone too far- Toxic situation

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'll try keep this brief and to make sense. The guy i've been seeing for a few months took me away recently. We got in to what wasn't even a major argument. I took a walk because he was getting annoyed. When I came back he was crying saying he didn't know where I was. He then freaked out because he seen another man (my dad's age) walking in with me. This man had 5 sisters and had seen me and asked if I was okay, I had a brief chat. I was sitting in a park area nearby. He then came back to the hostel where we were staying and ran into my bf and offered him a drink. My bf said he needed to find his gf first and searched looking for me. The man put two and two together, came to get me and said that we would sort it out, just to sleep on it. He gave me a friendly pat at best on the shoulder. My bf said he seen me walking in with him etc and he was being "handsy" with me. Not true. I had my back to my bf and he freaked out grabbed my the hair and pulled me on to the ground. He started screaming calling me a w***e saying I was having s*x with him in the park (I won't use the exact vulgar terminology on here). I was hysterical and there was phone calls made to reception.

A staff member came up and I had got out of the room and was hyperventilating at this stage. Please don't judge me for this next part. I stayed with him the rest of the weekend and tried to look past it. We came home and I have distanced myself for a few days. I got a torrent of abusive messages off his sister the other night saying I was on dating sites and sleeping around etc, etc. None of this true. She said her phone was hacked. But we believe her ex partner was there and the two of them are responsible. I ended up in his house talking about things for the weekend and stayed with him as we needed to sort out the s**t with his sister. He is inconsolable apologising and asking me to get back with him.

Thing is I kind of feel numb to the whole incident. I don't feel like crying. I don't feel full of rage or anger. I've never been and never thought I would ever be in a situation like this. I have friends who know my bf long term too and never thought in a million years he would do something like this.

Big Bag of Chips

What are you asking advice on? I assume you and he are finished. Completely. Block him. Block them. And walk away.

fran38

I'm sure OP you've read about stuff like this in the past. How a partner becomes physically and verbally abusive only to offer apologies later on. But the behaviour continues once the the other partner relents and says "Oh he/she apologised so I'll give another chance". This is a mistake as you well know. This guys family is enabling his behavior too which says to me that he'll continue with it as he's getting 'permission' from his siblings. You know in your heart what the right thing to do here. Please do it for your sake.

There really is no question here is there?
Pretty sure you know that it's over.

punisher5112

I would gather ye are very young....

Walk away or run but stay well clear, very strange behaviour and anyone that attacks another whether together or not are scum.

Plenty of other nice guys out there, don't settle with a fool like that, seldom if ever will it change and may even get worse, obviously he is extremely insecure and jealous.... These are not good traits in a person.

km991148

First, I hope you are ok, it must have been horrific.

Some people have issues and it manifests in all sorts of ways. Especially if drink is involved. They might seem nice to everyone around. You know different. You were attacked and it was uncalled for.

This is more than a red flag. This guy has serious issues and it doesn't seem he is able for a relationship at the moment. More worrying was the attack, mixed with jealousy. Do you want to hang about and let him practice at getting better? Waiting to see what he is going to do next.

As others said, I think you know the right thing to do here, especially on such a short term relationship.

Scuid Mhór

Could be a brain tumour? He might need to get a CT scan.

Big Bag of Chips

Scuid Mhór wrote: »

Could be a brain tumour? He might need to get a CT scan.

If so it's up to his family to notice and arrange, not you, OP. Although the reaction from his sister (and her partner) makes me think it's not a brain tumour. It's just scumbags doing what scumbags do.

LegacyUser

I was horrified reading your post and can only imagine how scary that was. The first few months should be filled with happiness and joy. You do realise that was abusive, nothing less. If you stay it will get worse. The fact that you are barely together and he has done this already is seriously worrying. Please get out for your own sake.

Purple Mountain

Why would you go and meet his sister and try appease him/her after he physically and verbally assaulted you?
You put yourself in danger not only staying with him while you were away but by meeting up with him again after getting away in the first place.
I'm sure you realise he is a grade A scumbag.
Block his number and any method he has of communication with you.
If any of his family contact you again, tell them the next time you will be phoning the Gardai and complaining both them and their brother.

alchemist33

Run... run like the wind.

Someone who does that, you don'y know when he'll snap again. And cut all ties with the family too. You shouldn't HAVE to, but for your own sake you might want to drop your social media because it's inevitable that one or more of them will continue to have a go at you or launch some snide campaign.

It sounds like a horrible weekend and I hope you're doing okay. When people act out and then blame you it can feel very lonely. If you have good family of your own, take any support they offer.

Taeholic

It doesn't matter if your friends think no way he'd do something like this, the fact is he did! He assaulted you. Of course he apologised and swore he'd never do it again. That's exactly what abusers do. You can be guaranteed he will do it again. And apologise and promise the sun, moon and stars.

I hope you're ok OP you must have gotten an awful fright. For me there is no decision to make, you have to leave this man. After a few months he has assaulted you, I genuinely dread to think what he will do to you after a couple of years.

Run and never look back. Block him and his nasty family. Talk to someone you trust, you shouldn't be going through this alone you need support. Please don't let this man hurt you again. Because he will.

Smee_Again

Run, don’t walk.

He’s shown you who he is.

SouthWesterly

Op you need to look after yourself here first and foremost.
He physically attacked you with the support of his family.
Walk away and tell him and them in no uncertain terms not to come near you
Notifying the gardai would also be in order.

Big Bag of Chips

My brother-in-law was a verbally and physically abusive alcoholic cocaine addict. His wife eventually had to leave him bringing their 2 children. His family knew why she left. They mightn't have known exact details but they knew enough. His sister told me one day "I know he has his problems and she had to leave, but whatever else you say about him, you have to admit he's great craic".

And you know what... He was. He was funny, loving, loyal to his family (parents & siblings), generous and great fun to be around. But... That didn't change the fact that he was also abusive and his drug addiction destroyed his wife and children.

Your friends haven't seen this side of him because he's careful who he shows it to. For now. You've now seen that side, you don't have to wait around for others to also see it.

LegacyUser

1. He was crying saying he didn't know where I was.
2. He then freaked out because he seen another man (my dad's age) walking in with me.
3. My bf said he seen me walking in with him etc and he was being "handsy" with me.
4. he freaked out grabbed my the hair and pulled me on to the ground.
5. He started screaming calling me a w***e saying I was having s*x with him in the park

6. hyperventilating at this stage.
7. got a torrent of abusive messages off his sister
8. He is inconsolable apologising

I just wanted to break down your post to clearly highlight the red flags.

1-3: controlling, jealous, unstable behaviour
4-5: complete abuse, no one every deserve that, ever - a complete loss of control on his behalf & a scary level of anger
6: your completely restandabe reaction but no one should ever make you feel this way
7: shouldn't have to put up with this either
8: inconsolable & full of apologies - same with every abuser, deep remorse until it happens again!


Run like the wind. If some makes you afraid of them (justifiably afraid), never give them a second opportunity to treat you like that.

I don't care if he is sorry or shows signs of true remorse or if he has a million other positives this is one clear case where a second chance could lead to you being assaulted against worse.

Nothing mitigates what he has done, nothing. Run

mohawk

Hi OP

These types are always ‘sorry’ until it happens again. There never show their true self to everyone. He has shown you his true self.
Be glad that he showed you his true colours so early in the relationship and you can easily walk away.

Block his and his families phone numbers. Set yourself to private on Social media and block them there too.

LimeFruitGum

This is what he is like. This is what his sister is like and it’s only a few months in.

It is common to feel numb after a big shock. You were supposed to have a nice weekend away with your boyfriend after all. You were not expecting to get physically and verbally assaulted to the point where staff actually had to intervene to get you out of there.
Imagine the abuse you would get if you went away somewhere for work or with your girlfriends? You would never have a moment’s peace.

If you’re ever tempted to take him back, remember that weekend and the torrent of filth you got off his sister. They know too damn well what they did; they don’t deserve a ‘closure’ or ‘clear the air’ conversation. Let them stew in their own muck. You protect yourself: delete and block them everywhere.

Tork

If this is for real, then you need to get rid of this fella and his family asap. You can learn a lot about people from how they behave and the company they keep. All I can conclude from this incident is that the whole lot of them are not good or nice people. This behaviour from him and his sister didn't come out of nowhere. Or to put it differently, they didn't lick it off the stones. There is something messed up about that family and why would you want to tie yourself into this? If this isn't a stone cold warning that you have to put an end to this right now, what is needed?

stargazer 68

Op I agree with everyone else. Get rid now. Block him and his horrible family.

You were in a hotel and other guests were contacting reception where staff had to come and see what was happening. Read that part of your post again. Practically a public place and he didn't care. Imagine if you had been in his house would he have stopped??

Get out now.

MissShihTzu

I have no idea why you didn't call the Gards and press charges, OP. What happened to you was assault and threatening behaviour. Both are reportable.

wexwitch

Please leave this man immediately.

No further contact ever.

Tell your friends and family what happened... The truth.

Block his number, social media.

It only gets worse.

It will never get better.

Please look after yourself.

Rubberchikken

God op if it's genuine you need to turn around and walk away from this man, his family and an abusive future sooner rather than later.

Anyone who raises their hand to anyone else doesn't deserve a chance, second or otherwise noatter how.much they apologise, no matter how many promises are made.

Take care

notAMember

I had my back to my bf and he freaked out grabbed my the hair and pulled me on to the ground. He started screaming calling me a w***e saying I was having s*x with him in the park (I won't use the exact vulgar terminology on here).

What would you tell a friend who had this experience?

Get away from this guy. He is violent.

Consider a Garda report also, to get something on record if he does this to someone else.

Purple Mountain

Your title refers to him as your "boyfriend".
I hope you mean ex boyfriend?
Please tell your mam/sister/friend what's happened.

Annasopra

I think you need to just cease all contact with him immediately and tell friends and family and them to support you if he is in contact

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the responses.

One poster mentioned I met up with his sister that's not the case. We both spoke to her as I didn't want a she said he said situation. Then I told her if the "hacker" aka her ever sent me those messages again i'd go to the guards and I blocked her.

I've spoken briefly to a friend about it, but not my family. I don't want any more fighting or drama and plus my mum is most likely to not be very supportive. I'm not that young, i'm 35. I know a lady who's in her 50s who's a mutual friend of ours. She's so nice and has always said if you need to talk about anything let me know. I'm considering contacting her. He won't be happy if she know's i've told her but I trust her enough not to say anything.

Plus they socialise at the same venue so if we do all happen to be there at the same time (which i'll be avoiding) or if she overhears rumours at least it will be someone knowing my side, giving me some support.

I honestly just feel numb like i'm talking about someone else having this experience or something.

Keyzer

End it now. He sounds like he's got serious issues and his family don't sound very good.

Telly

You dont need any clearer red flags than these to get out of this.

spaceHopper

If the hostel hadn't sent somebody up what would have happened. You were very foolish to stay with him or to go back to his house. If anything like this ever happens again call a friend or parent to come and get you to bring you home.

If it was one of your friends who told you what had happened to them would you be happy knowing they continued the relationship.

They attacked you, others in the hostel had to all help for you and he hostel had to save you from them. End it, tell them that it is because of what happened at the weekend. Tell them you don't want to go to guards but if they or their family harass you in any way you will have no choice. I wouldn't do it in person if you do bring somebody with you and do it in a public place. By phone or text would be better, safer.

Loveinapril

Domestic violence usually starts at a much minor level, then progresses. If this was the first incident of violence against you, I would be very concerned about what it will progress to. You have given him and his family far too much of your time since the incident. There is no sorting this out. He will manipulate you into staying every time you speak to him.