Boyfriend and his family have gone too far- Toxic situation

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'll try keep this brief and to make sense. The guy i've been seeing for a few months took me away recently. We got in to what wasn't even a major argument. I took a walk because he was getting annoyed. When I came back he was crying saying he didn't know where I was. He then freaked out because he seen another man (my dad's age) walking in with me. This man had 5 sisters and had seen me and asked if I was okay, I had a brief chat. I was sitting in a park area nearby. He then came back to the hostel where we were staying and ran into my bf and offered him a drink. My bf said he needed to find his gf first and searched looking for me. The man put two and two together, came to get me and said that we would sort it out, just to sleep on it. He gave me a friendly pat at best on the shoulder. My bf said he seen me walking in with him etc and he was being "handsy" with me. Not true. I had my back to my bf and he freaked out grabbed my the hair and pulled me on to the ground. He started screaming calling me a w***e saying I was having s*x with him in the park (I won't use the exact vulgar terminology on here). I was hysterical and there was phone calls made to reception.

A staff member came up and I had got out of the room and was hyperventilating at this stage. Please don't judge me for this next part. I stayed with him the rest of the weekend and tried to look past it. We came home and I have distanced myself for a few days. I got a torrent of abusive messages off his sister the other night saying I was on dating sites and sleeping around etc, etc. None of this true. She said her phone was hacked. But we believe her ex partner was there and the two of them are responsible. I ended up in his house talking about things for the weekend and stayed with him as we needed to sort out the s**t with his sister. He is inconsolable apologising and asking me to get back with him.

Thing is I kind of feel numb to the whole incident. I don't feel like crying. I don't feel full of rage or anger. I've never been and never thought I would ever be in a situation like this. I have friends who know my bf long term too and never thought in a million years he would do something like this.

Big Bag of Chips

What are you asking advice on? I assume you and he are finished. Completely. Block him. Block them. And walk away.

fran38

I'm sure OP you've read about stuff like this in the past. How a partner becomes physically and verbally abusive only to offer apologies later on. But the behaviour continues once the the other partner relents and says "Oh he/she apologised so I'll give another chance". This is a mistake as you well know. This guys family is enabling his behavior too which says to me that he'll continue with it as he's getting 'permission' from his siblings. You know in your heart what the right thing to do here. Please do it for your sake.

There really is no question here is there?
Pretty sure you know that it's over.

punisher5112

I would gather ye are very young....

Walk away or run but stay well clear, very strange behaviour and anyone that attacks another whether together or not are scum.

Plenty of other nice guys out there, don't settle with a fool like that, seldom if ever will it change and may even get worse, obviously he is extremely insecure and jealous.... These are not good traits in a person.

km991148

First, I hope you are ok, it must have been horrific.

Some people have issues and it manifests in all sorts of ways. Especially if drink is involved. They might seem nice to everyone around. You know different. You were attacked and it was uncalled for.

This is more than a red flag. This guy has serious issues and it doesn't seem he is able for a relationship at the moment. More worrying was the attack, mixed with jealousy. Do you want to hang about and let him practice at getting better? Waiting to see what he is going to do next.

As others said, I think you know the right thing to do here, especially on such a short term relationship.

Scuid Mhór

Could be a brain tumour? He might need to get a CT scan.

Big Bag of Chips

Scuid Mhór wrote: »

Could be a brain tumour? He might need to get a CT scan.

If so it's up to his family to notice and arrange, not you, OP. Although the reaction from his sister (and her partner) makes me think it's not a brain tumour. It's just scumbags doing what scumbags do.

LegacyUser

I was horrified reading your post and can only imagine how scary that was. The first few months should be filled with happiness and joy. You do realise that was abusive, nothing less. If you stay it will get worse. The fact that you are barely together and he has done this already is seriously worrying. Please get out for your own sake.

Purple Mountain

Why would you go and meet his sister and try appease him/her after he physically and verbally assaulted you?
You put yourself in danger not only staying with him while you were away but by meeting up with him again after getting away in the first place.
I'm sure you realise he is a grade A scumbag.
Block his number and any method he has of communication with you.
If any of his family contact you again, tell them the next time you will be phoning the Gardai and complaining both them and their brother.

alchemist33

Run... run like the wind.

Someone who does that, you don'y know when he'll snap again. And cut all ties with the family too. You shouldn't HAVE to, but for your own sake you might want to drop your social media because it's inevitable that one or more of them will continue to have a go at you or launch some snide campaign.

It sounds like a horrible weekend and I hope you're doing okay. When people act out and then blame you it can feel very lonely. If you have good family of your own, take any support they offer.

Taeholic

It doesn't matter if your friends think no way he'd do something like this, the fact is he did! He assaulted you. Of course he apologised and swore he'd never do it again. That's exactly what abusers do. You can be guaranteed he will do it again. And apologise and promise the sun, moon and stars.

I hope you're ok OP you must have gotten an awful fright. For me there is no decision to make, you have to leave this man. After a few months he has assaulted you, I genuinely dread to think what he will do to you after a couple of years.

Run and never look back. Block him and his nasty family. Talk to someone you trust, you shouldn't be going through this alone you need support. Please don't let this man hurt you again. Because he will.

Smee_Again

Run, don’t walk.

He’s shown you who he is.

Op you need to look after yourself here first and foremost.
He physically attacked you with the support of his family.
Walk away and tell him and them in no uncertain terms not to come near you
Notifying the gardai would also be in order.

Big Bag of Chips

My brother-in-law was a verbally and physically abusive alcoholic cocaine addict. His wife eventually had to leave him bringing their 2 children. His family knew why she left. They mightn't have known exact details but they knew enough. His sister told me one day "I know he has his problems and she had to leave, but whatever else you say about him, you have to admit he's great craic".

And you know what... He was. He was funny, loving, loyal to his family (parents & siblings), generous and great fun to be around. But... That didn't change the fact that he was also abusive and his drug addiction destroyed his wife and children.

Your friends haven't seen this side of him because he's careful who he shows it to. For now. You've now seen that side, you don't have to wait around for others to also see it.

LegacyUser

1. He was crying saying he didn't know where I was.
2. He then freaked out because he seen another man (my dad's age) walking in with me.
3. My bf said he seen me walking in with him etc and he was being "handsy" with me.
4. he freaked out grabbed my the hair and pulled me on to the ground.
5. He started screaming calling me a w***e saying I was having s*x with him in the park

6. hyperventilating at this stage.
7. got a torrent of abusive messages off his sister
8. He is inconsolable apologising

I just wanted to break down your post to clearly highlight the red flags.

1-3: controlling, jealous, unstable behaviour
4-5: complete abuse, no one every deserve that, ever - a complete loss of control on his behalf & a scary level of anger
6: your completely restandabe reaction but no one should ever make you feel this way
7: shouldn't have to put up with this either
8: inconsolable & full of apologies - same with every abuser, deep remorse until it happens again!


Run like the wind. If some makes you afraid of them (justifiably afraid), never give them a second opportunity to treat you like that.

I don't care if he is sorry or shows signs of true remorse or if he has a million other positives this is one clear case where a second chance could lead to you being assaulted against worse.

Nothing mitigates what he has done, nothing. Run

mohawk

Hi OP

These types are always ‘sorry’ until it happens again. There never show their true self to everyone. He has shown you his true self.
Be glad that he showed you his true colours so early in the relationship and you can easily walk away.

Block his and his families phone numbers. Set yourself to private on Social media and block them there too.

LimeFruitGum

This is what he is like. This is what his sister is like and it’s only a few months in.

It is common to feel numb after a big shock. You were supposed to have a nice weekend away with your boyfriend after all. You were not expecting to get physically and verbally assaulted to the point where staff actually had to intervene to get you out of there.
Imagine the abuse you would get if you went away somewhere for work or with your girlfriends? You would never have a moment’s peace.

If you’re ever tempted to take him back, remember that weekend and the torrent of filth you got off his sister. They know too damn well what they did; they don’t deserve a ‘closure’ or ‘clear the air’ conversation. Let them stew in their own muck. You protect yourself: delete and block them everywhere.

Tork

If this is for real, then you need to get rid of this fella and his family asap. You can learn a lot about people from how they behave and the company they keep. All I can conclude from this incident is that the whole lot of them are not good or nice people. This behaviour from him and his sister didn't come out of nowhere. Or to put it differently, they didn't lick it off the stones. There is something messed up about that family and why would you want to tie yourself into this? If this isn't a stone cold warning that you have to put an end to this right now, what is needed?

stargazer 68

Op I agree with everyone else. Get rid now. Block him and his horrible family.

You were in a hotel and other guests were contacting reception where staff had to come and see what was happening. Read that part of your post again. Practically a public place and he didn't care. Imagine if you had been in his house would he have stopped??

Get out now.

MissShihTzu

I have no idea why you didn't call the Gards and press charges, OP. What happened to you was assault and threatening behaviour. Both are reportable.

wexwitch

Please leave this man immediately.

No further contact ever.

Tell your friends and family what happened... The truth.

Block his number, social media.

It only gets worse.

It will never get better.

Please look after yourself.

Rubberchikken

God op if it's genuine you need to turn around and walk away from this man, his family and an abusive future sooner rather than later.

Anyone who raises their hand to anyone else doesn't deserve a chance, second or otherwise noatter how.much they apologise, no matter how many promises are made.

Take care

notAMember

I had my back to my bf and he freaked out grabbed my the hair and pulled me on to the ground. He started screaming calling me a w***e saying I was having s*x with him in the park (I won't use the exact vulgar terminology on here).

What would you tell a friend who had this experience?

Get away from this guy. He is violent.

Consider a Garda report also, to get something on record if he does this to someone else.

Purple Mountain

Your title refers to him as your "boyfriend".
I hope you mean ex boyfriend?
Please tell your mam/sister/friend what's happened.

Annasopra

I think you need to just cease all contact with him immediately and tell friends and family and them to support you if he is in contact

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the responses.

One poster mentioned I met up with his sister that's not the case. We both spoke to her as I didn't want a she said he said situation. Then I told her if the "hacker" aka her ever sent me those messages again i'd go to the guards and I blocked her.

I've spoken briefly to a friend about it, but not my family. I don't want any more fighting or drama and plus my mum is most likely to not be very supportive. I'm not that young, i'm 35. I know a lady who's in her 50s who's a mutual friend of ours. She's so nice and has always said if you need to talk about anything let me know. I'm considering contacting her. He won't be happy if she know's i've told her but I trust her enough not to say anything.

Plus they socialise at the same venue so if we do all happen to be there at the same time (which i'll be avoiding) or if she overhears rumours at least it will be someone knowing my side, giving me some support.

I honestly just feel numb like i'm talking about someone else having this experience or something.

Keyzer

End it now. He sounds like he's got serious issues and his family don't sound very good.

Telly

You dont need any clearer red flags than these to get out of this.

spaceHopper

If the hostel hadn't sent somebody up what would have happened. You were very foolish to stay with him or to go back to his house. If anything like this ever happens again call a friend or parent to come and get you to bring you home.

If it was one of your friends who told you what had happened to them would you be happy knowing they continued the relationship.

They attacked you, others in the hostel had to all help for you and he hostel had to save you from them. End it, tell them that it is because of what happened at the weekend. Tell them you don't want to go to guards but if they or their family harass you in any way you will have no choice. I wouldn't do it in person if you do bring somebody with you and do it in a public place. By phone or text would be better, safer.

Loveinapril

Domestic violence usually starts at a much minor level, then progresses. If this was the first incident of violence against you, I would be very concerned about what it will progress to. You have given him and his family far too much of your time since the incident. There is no sorting this out. He will manipulate you into staying every time you speak to him.

Neyite

Leave.

Domestic abuse only ever escalates. It's often generational - children learn important information about relationships by looking at the ones around them growing up. It's very likely, given his sister's abuse of you that he grew up in a violent or verbally abusive home. It's a learned behaviour from childhood that would be extremely difficult to unpick and would require years of experts helping the person who wants to fix this - and even then the results are mixed.

Either way, he has masked who he is until now. This is him - the real person. They are all wonderful, charming, funny, sexy people who never in a million years would do that - until they do.

The better ones mask for longer, often for years. Or their abuse is more subtle and gradual so you don't recognise it immediately. This guy? A public, physical assault, verbal assault to the point others intervened after only a few months of seeing him? He's seriously unhinged. He's the kind of guy that you'd expect to open a paper one day and see he's murdered his girlfriend. And his family will be quoted as saying he was a saint that wouldn't harm a fly.

The only option here is to break up, cut all contact, with all of them, find a different venue to socialise at. You've dodged a massive bullet here.

ILoveYourVibes

He sounds really manipulative and dangerous and his family seem the same so its a generational problem.

You need to really cut them all out OP. I am so sorry that happened to you.

He obviously nuts. You don't want a future with him and his family do you? Nope.

Walk away...

There are so many lovely guys out there ....

His family obviously feed his self image.

Whatever you go through in leaving him ..its like a pinch compared to what you will go through if you dont leave now.

secman

OP, read your opening post as if it was from someone else, what are your gut instincts. A woman was assaulted by her boyfriend, its irrelevant if she was or was not playing offside, not saying you were. Just highlighting that the assault on you could not be justified/ accepted under any circumstances. You have seen a major red flag, an absolute cross the line situation. Do yourself a favour and move on. Report the incident to the guards as these type of people can be difficult to leave.
You know in your head its wrong and as You said Toxic.
Best of luck.

Iscreamkone

If some boy treated my daughter like this I’d have a word, outside.

Leave this "relationship" immediately. Do not become a statistic.

Tell him exactly why. Tell your friends and family why. Tell his friends and family why. Then block anyone who is unsupportive.

Do not offer any kind of regret or urther reasons for leaving the relationship and do not listen to anyone who attempts to defend or justify what he did.

Then, when you feel a little stronger, I advise you seek some counselling for yourself to process what you've gone through, and also to explore why you would even consider staying in a relationship with the kind of person he is after such a horrendous assault in the first place.

HerrKapitan

If he is open enough to do that in a hostel/hotel, what will happen once you move in together in your own place?? Get out of it straight away.

twill

Neverinamillionyears wrote: »

Plus they socialise at the same venue so if we do all happen to be there at the same time (which i'll be avoiding) or if she overhears rumours at least it will be someone knowing my side, giving me some support.

OP, I'm not quite clear on what you're saying here. Staff intervened because your boyfriend assaulted you and you were terrified (you say you were "hysterical", which seems to me to be underplaying it). Why would people not be on your side??? How is there a scenario that you could feel that you will be judged for being a victim of a crime? Please, OP, please do this one thing if you feel any doubt about what you need to do: ring Women's Aid and have a chat to them.

He won't be happy if she know's i've told her but I trust her enough not to say anything.

OP, you're afraid of him. Think about it.

ILoveYourVibes

twill wrote: »

OP, I'm not quite clear on what you're saying here. Staff intervened because your boyfriend assaulted you and you were terrified (you say you were "hysterical", which seems to me to be underplaying it). Why would people not be on your side??? How is there a scenario that you could feel that you will be judged for being a victim of a crime? Please, OP, please do this one thing if you feel any doubt about what you need to do: ring Women's Aid and have a chat to them.




OP, you're afraid of him. Think about it.

Op read this. Your body is TELLING you ...get out ...

We have all ignored our intuition and lived to regret it.

You know.

Crank Stain

You should leave him.

Whatever or whoever caused the argument doesn't matter, his reaction and the way his family treated you is unforgivable.

From the outside whatever took place was serious enough for a complete stranger to get involved to try and help you.

It's not that long ago that a good samaritan was murdered when he intervened in a dispute between a couple.

From my point of view, the incident would have to be escalating to such an extent that violence looked inevitable for me to step in, if I was in the old man's position.

You were caught up in the emotions of the event, it may have been a lot worse than you recall from an outsiders perspective.

My advice is leave, block contact, and go to the gardai if anyone on his side makes contact.

Even if you were completely at fault for the argument, his actions are unforgivable.

punisher5112

Plenty more out there, who cares who knows about it, he attacked for absolutely no reason.

The whole thing stank of like a teenager thing and been in a hostel....

At 35 you're old enough to know what right or wrong and I do honestly hope you have no more to do with him or his family.

You need to either find someone else that will not hurt you, can you only imagine what he would do to you if others weren't around, if I had of seen that he wouldn't have been walking away with you....

If you were my daughter I wouldn't tolerate this at all.


I really really hope you move on.

Tork

OP, is being 35 a reason for staying in this relationship? We all know that it gets harder to meet a suitable partner when you get that bit older and that many people will have baggage. Still though, you have learned that this man is not the person you thought he was. He's violent and that should always be the dealbreaker. It is highly likely he assaulted his previous girlfriends as well but naturally, you'll never hear a word of that from his lips. If you're looking for somebody to talk to, have you tried ringing Women's Aid? 1800 341 900 https://www.womensaid.ie/ Even though this is a relatively new relationship, you could do with talking to somebody who has been through this.

Big Bag of Chips

Honestly, OP, there should be no more telling them anything. You've told her not to contact you. You've finished with him. You now block them all and never have anything to do with any of them again. If you are threatened or harassed by anyone again go directly to the gardai.

Purple Mountain

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Honestly, OP, there should be no more telling them anything. You've told her not to contact you. You've finished with him. You now block them all and never have anything to do with any of them again. If you are threatened or harassed by anyone again go directly to the gardai.

Chips, I don't think she has finished with him. She refers to him as her boyfriend.
Anyway OP, I think our reactions here are unanimous and speak volumes.

Curious_Case

HerrKapitan wrote: »

If he is open enough to do that in a hostel/hotel, what will happen once you move in together in your own place?? Get out of it straight away.

The above is the best answer, DON'T be a news item in a few years time.

You are very lucky to have seen the real side so early.

Big Bag of Chips

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Chips, I don't think she has finished with him. She refers to him as her boyfriend.

Neverinamillionyears wrote: »

He is inconsolable apologising and asking me to get back with him.

OP, I sincerely hope you have finished with him.

LegacyUser

OP this is not the life you want for yourself. It won’t get better. Only worse. You must understand that you need to leave? There is no other advice to give. Wishing you the best.

Skibunny77

OP - please order a copy of 'How He Gets into her Head' by Don Hennessy.

People saying 'just leave' are ignoring the coercive control and grooming behaviour that occurs in domestic violence relationships long before the violence ever starts. Perpetrators of domestic violence are very skilled, their behaviour is designed to systematically erode someone's sense of worth, self belief and even to think independently, without their thoughts being infiltrated by the control of the perpetrator. That is why, when the violence occurs, it is so difficult for someone to escape.

My advice - read the book and seek support from Women's Aid when it is safe to do so. You are not alone in this, people can listen and work with you at your pace.

twill

Skibunny77 wrote: »

OP - please order a copy of 'How He Gets into her Head' by Don Hennessy.

People saying 'just leave' are ignoring the coercive control and grooming behaviour that occurs in domestic violence relationships long before the violence ever starts.

You're right, Skibunny, it was remiss of me and that other posters not to consider that OP's fear hasn't come out of the blue, it's been a slow process which has probably been subtly (and not-so-subtly) enforced by yer man's family.


OP, I hope you're doing well. Please don't doubt your initial reaction, which is that this is a toxic situation. If you feel too unsafe to take action right now, please give Women's Aid a ring when your man isn't around and they can help you formulate a plan to leave.

KaneToad

km991148 wrote: »

Some people have issues and it manifests in all sorts of ways. Especially if drink is involved...

Drink only lowers your inhibitions. If people behave a certain way with drink taken they can easily behave the same way without drink. Arseholes when drunk are usually arseholes when sober.

km991148

KaneToad wrote: »

Drink only lowers your inhibitions. If people behave a certain way with drink taken they can easily behave the same way without drink. Arseholes when drunk are usually arseholes when sober.

Just to make it clear (as partially quoting loses context); My point was that drink was no excuse. Some people are worse on drink, but still no excuse.

This was an attack, no matter how you explain it and that's what matters.