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Friend keeps trying to force his GF into our group

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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 7,052 ✭✭✭HalloweenJack


    Do you know if the GF does the same with him i.e. bringing him along every time that she meets up with her friends? Does she have a mostly girl group of friends or is it more mixed? Depending on the experience he has with her friends, it could be playing a part here.

    I reckon the fact that it's his first relationship is playing a big part and he probably feels that's what good boyfriends should do or he wants to involve her in every aspect of his life. This could be coming from either him or her.

    I reckon you need to have a chat and tell him what's what. He should be sufficiently aware and mature to understand why and that it's nothing personal but from what you've posted so far, I wouldn't be so sure.


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    mailforkev wrote: »
    Don’t agree with this at all. I’m in my early 40s and still have a good group of friends. Almost all are married with several kids by now. Random nights out are few and far between at this stage but may or may not include partners. Also dinners out etc. It just seems obvious who goes to what.

    Anything like heading away for a night with the lads to a rugby match was, and always will be, lads only. My wife heads off on the odd hotel/spa break with her friends too. “Alone time” is a valuable part of a healthy relationship. We’re married, not chained together.

    None of my friends ever tried to shoehorn a partner in to anything. Luckily I have no clueless friends with needy partners. Would have been nipped in the bud fairly quickly if it had.

    Same, me and the lads are in our early 40s. We have tonnes of lads only trips.


  • Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    Whatever about anything else, the Vegas thing jumped out. I've done two trips to Vegas with the lads. For the record, nothing in anyway awful / illegal or compromising happened on those trips.

    Bringing partners to either of those was an absolute no, not for any reasons of impropriety but because it was a lads trip. Having an "outsider" along would kill the dynamic stone dead and everyone would end up resenting yer man and his OH.

    I've also gone on couples sun holidays, big mixed group (couple & singles) ski holidays, all great fun and to be recommended. But a dedicated "lads trip" is sacrosanct.
    Here is the thing about the vegas trip.

    If i felt there were guys IN a group of my boyfriend's friends...who WOULD do illegal stuff or just stuff i would think is wrong...

    1. I wouldn't be dating a guy with friends like that. I would dump him before we got to 2 or 3 to be honest.

    2. I would have said this to the guy ..as in ...i think you have a poor choice in friends.

    3.

    There would be NO way i would think it was a good idea or even safe for ME to go on a trip with a bunch of lads with ME as the only girl. Let alone if i think they are bad guys only up to no good etc (not saying the OP is like this or making generalizations for men but the suggestion is the gf THINKS or MIGHT think this trip or group of lads is like that).

    Like what i am going to be to the only girl in the lap dancing club? Or the only girl while the rest of them are looking for one night stands or drunk out of their heads? Erm NO.

    If i REALLY thought ANY group of people were like that i wouldn't want to be around them at all let ALONE the only girl around them. It wouldn't be safe.


    The fact that the gf wants to go ...actually shows me MORE that she trusts this group of guys. She knows its nothing crazy they will be into.

    If my bf was going on a vegas trip to go mad ...i would ask him NOT to go ...well actually no i would dump him.

    I would never ask to go...that would be a stupid decision.

    Now i am NOT saying all guys who go to las vegas on a lads only trip are like this.

    Im just saying there are many guys i would never want to go on a trip with as the only girl. In fact i would think that would be crazy as a girl.

    She obviously feels these are ok guys. Or feels comfortable with them.

    Maybe i am wrong. But i am just saying.

    If i thought a friend had a bf with crazy friends and was going to las vegas to go nuts ...and she was going to be the only girl....i would advise her for her own safety NOT to go.

    I think the OP should be direct. But also he should respect the feeling and response of the friend. I also think maybe it would be best not coming from just ONE of the friends. But a couple or all.

    Just saying look can we maybe just go as the guys for this trip? Explain its a balance of having her along sometimes and not others.

    If he takes offense. He has to realize he needs to find couple friends. And that his life is in a different place. Sometimes you can't hold on to the past. I think that is fine. Not all friendships last a lifetime. If they did you would be held back as a person.

    Some groups can mix well with partners ..partic if the group was fairly mixed gender wise. Other times not.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,124 ✭✭✭The White Wolf


    Ah will you go way lads and girls nights are also a thing in the US, Canada and the UK and I'm sure not the only places you'd want to be very sheltered to think it's only a thing here

    Aye....indeed there are Hollywood films and TV shows that have made hundreds of millions from telling such stories. Such a bizarre thing to pick up on and accuse it of being "Irish".

    OP your mate is probably looking for an 'out' from the group and is waiting on someone to say something, or to stop inviting him to stuff on a regular basis. Like has he always been in the thick of the action within the group? As in going on all holidays, all activities etc....if not, unfortunately it's just natural that he ends up drifting away once he meets someone. It can even happen in reverse where friends drift away because they don't meet someone.


  • Registered Users Posts: 190 ✭✭Dog day


    I think it’s all about balance, it’s perfectly acceptable for friends to want to spend time together away from partners, gender aside. Indeed I think the thread has become overly focused on a gender divide. What about wanting to spend time with friends of the opposite gender aside from ones partner? That’s perfectly healthy too!

    Equally there’ll be occasions where partners join established friendship group outings. 100% agree with the posters who say the dynamic can change when a partner joins certain types of get togethers. It’s so important for long term friends to get together to comfortably reminisce or simply chat about things without partners present.

    In my own experience & from observing other people’s relationships the ones that strike that balance & maintain friendships/social connections outside of their relationships are much happier. Just my two cents!

    OP, I agree with the poster that just one of you has a gentle chat with your mate, be direct but mindful of the fact that he’s likely still in the honeymoon period & could be genuinely blinded by that, hopefully he’ll be perfectly reasonable in his response.


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