condolences by text.

cena

How you would feel about getting coldolences over a text message from a friend. Is it wrong?

What is the right way?

Wouldn't bother me at all.

LilacNails

Better than on Facebook with a sad emoji.

Depends, how close u are to the friend, I don't see anything wrong with it.

is_that_so

I've done it. As long as it's worded with consideration people appreciate it.

cena

LilacNails wrote: »

Better than on Facebook with a sad emoji.

Depends, how close u are to the friend, I don't see anything wrong with it.

Say school friends from national school secondary school. So a long time

is_that_so

cena wrote: »

Say school friends from national school secondary school. So a long time

If they are anyway close then maybe the old-fashioned phone call otherwise a text is grand.

Mam of 4

I've received condolences by text , some from people who might not have made it to the funeral services, some from those who would be there . All were appreciated, knowing others were thinking of us and our loved ones who had died .

Outkast_IRE

Once its phrased appropriately it wouldnt bother me.
People who have lost close loved ones themselves appreciate that sometimes you dont want lots of big long phone calls from people going over it again and again and you can be quite busy sorting the arrangements and making sure other close members of the family are ok.

No different in my opinion than older people sending a mass card , or waiting until they see you again to give condolences.

Notmything

As long as they spelt "angel" and not "angle"

sekond

I received some when my dad died. I was so utterly stunned at the time from the circumstances of the death, and having to phone around to various relatives and friends to let them know, that actually I was often grateful for the text rather than a phone call (especially when it was from someone I may not have spoken to in a while). It was nice to know they were thinking of me, nice not to have to talk about it all again, and meant I could respond in my own time.

I mean, if my cousin had done it I might have been a bit unimpressed...

Leg End Reject

If I have their address I'd send a card as it's more personal, otherwise a text.

A condolence on RIP.ie for a casual acquaintance.

Radio5

If the death notice is on www.rip.ie, consider leaving a message there perhaps?

You can mention the friend specifically by name and maybe say who you are i.e what your connection is to them - Example 'Sympathy to John and the Murphy family on the death of your father'. Pat Smith (CBS Parnell St, 1996).

Strumms

It wouldn’t bother me.... at a time like that I’d imagine you have enough to be doing, arrangements, phone calls, minutes to grieve for yourself. Without the phone ringing constantly.

Hyperbollix

Perfectly fine. Anyone who's gone through a death of someone close, will know that the person is up to the eyeballs with family, extended family etc around the time of the funeral, so it can be a very considerate move to send a friend a thoughtful (text) message of condolence, instead of adding pressure with yet another phone call.

Gregor Samsa

When my Dad died last year, I got one phone-call from one friend in the time between his death and the funeral, which I really appreciated, but I was also glad I didn't get any more. It's just too hectic a time - I spent enough time on the phone with family and organising things with the funeral home. Got plenty of texts, messages and emails, and of course cards, which I was able to deal with and reply to in my own time. A few people who texted me then called me in the weeks after, which I did appreciate.

I also appreciated the messages on RIP.ie much more than I thought I would. Never bothered much with that before (other than checking funeral arrangements), but since then I've always been sure to leave a message there when someone I know dies. Not everyone who knew my Dad knew his address to send a card or my number to contact me. And there was no proper funeral for them to go to.

cena

cena wrote: »

How you would feel about getting coldolences over a text message from a friend. Is it wrong?

What is the right way?

There is no right way. Its the thought that counts. Bereavement can be a difficult thing to approach and as other posters have alluded to, that few days is hectic. It's a blur of emotions that a text is often more appreciated than endless verbal condolences.

Now breaking up with someone by text on the other hand.....

xzanti

Text, email, card, book of condolence message. All better than a phone call imho because in the immediate aftermath of a death; the bereaved people are often in a daze and will probably not remember details of the call anyway.

When the dust settles, as they say, it's nice to go through messages and cards and absorb the words properly imho.

iamwhoiam

I got a few lovely messages via text or Whatsapp when my mother died . Every word was appreciated and all were kind to think to text .

mohawk

I have done it and received texts also. It depends how close you are to the person. Sometimes people find it hard to know what to say so they send a text to avoid saying wrong thing on the phone. It’s worse if you are very close with someone and they never acknowledge a death of a loved one with you. Most people mean well.

KungPao

Notmything wrote: »

As long as they spelt "angel" and not "angle"

Hun srry 2 here yr da dyed. U mst b hart brkn. Gon 2 soon. 4eva in are harts he wit angles nw. wll drnk 2 hm 2nite, Deco gttin slab uv cooers xxx

TheValeyard

Once done correctly I'd say some people would prefer it. Last thing you want is to give people the same conversation 50 or 60 times, when all you want is to be alone with your thoughts.

Well, during Lockdown, everyone used rip.ie to offer condolences to bereaved families. They have a whole section for that. I thought it was clever of them to disable emojis, I mean can you just imagine?

"Sorry for your loss *crying laughing*"

I am sure that families do find comfort in these text-based condolences. I think they also take extra comfort in personal text messages. I wouldn't dream of phoning a bereaved person during a time of distress. They might not want to talk. Send them a message of support (especially practical support) instead.

The nicest mesage anyone sent when my Dad died was along the lines of 'I pass your gate every day going to work and coming back. Send a list of groceries as you probably don't want to face people'. She was absolutely right, we didn't. I thought it was very kind. We barely knew her.

humberklog

SFYL
T's&P's

Hugs.

BailMeOut

Always call the person by phone. If they do not want to talk to you they will no answer but then follow up with a text.

The Davestator

Slightly off-topic, but a good few answers about how busy the bereaved person is after a death.

It really is mad that we bury our dead as quickly as possible.

I think this might help in the immediate aftermath for some, but leaves the person feeling numb and lost a few days later when it's all said and done.

Somewhere between us and the Brits seems right.

Gregor Samsa

The Davestator wrote: »

Slightly off-topic, but a good few answers about how busy the bereaved person is after a death.

I do think the 3 day tradition here is a bit short. My dad died late on a Friday night, but the Monday was a bank holiday, and with the schedule in Glasnevin we didn’t have the funeral until the following Wednesday. Which gave us 4 days between the two events. The Saturday was taken up entirely with organising the funeral, and the Tuesday was taken up with preparing and travelling for it. But we did have the Sunday and the Monday to ourselves a bit, which was good. But I also felt a bit lost those days.

I think any more than a week would make it more difficult as it drags on. You need whatever element of closure the funeral brings.

Burt Renaults

The Davestator wrote: »

It really is mad that we bury our dead as quickly as possible.

My mother died late on a Thursday night. She was buried by lunchtime on the Saturday. It was all a blur. Had it been solely my decision at the time, we'd've had the funeral on the Monday. But with the benefit of hindsight, I don't know. That would've meant a whole weekend of people calling, offering their condolences, handshakes and sandwiches. I found that draining and welcomed the bit of breathing space on the Sunday.

When I die, I don't want a funeral. Or an RIP.ie notice. Ideally, I want casual acquaintances to still be finding out months later.

"Jesus, now that you mention it, I hadn't seen him in a while. Well, that explains that anyway."

SeaFields

Have sent them and received them. For the latter I'd echo the other posts about the chaos that can happen post the death of a loved one. Particularly if unexpected. Always found it nice to receive them.

Junkyard Tom

V sad, lol.

sheesh

because of covid it is fine. I got texts when my mother died a few years ago, I appreciated them

Foggy Jew

Leg End Reject wrote: »

If I have their address I'd send a card as it's more personal, otherwise a text.

A condolence on RIP.ie for a casual acquaintance.

The hand-written cards we received following my parents’ deaths were hugely appreciated by me & my siblings. The small effort it took to sit down & write a personal message was treasured by us. Go the extra few yards. Buy a card. Write a few lines. It will be greatly appreciated.

Dempo1

cena wrote: »

How you would feel about getting coldolences over a text message from a friend. Is it wrong?

What is the right way?

I was faced with this dilemma on 3 occasions during the pandemic, parent close friends etc. I didn't text as such, but worded a very sensitive WhatsApp message. Difficult to do but because of restrictions, limited numbers attending funerals, those friends had used this media to contact people with the sad news so this made it easier.

I'm a normal situation, I'd likely initially text but would of course follow up and obviously be in attendance at the funeral.

No easy answers but I guess it's down to how well you know the person affected

Texting is better option....people have enough to be dealing with after a death,no mind answering phonecalls off every tom,dick and harry

bb12

texts are fine in the immediate aftermath. people really don't want to be taking any phonecalls and especially not answering that dreaded question "how are you"...eh my whole world has just completely fallen apart, but i absolutely don't want to talk about it...anyhow i think it would be an idea to follow up with a card also. text messages in time get lost and even forgotten or deleted. it's nice for the grieved to have some physical cards to keep. after i suffered a loss late last year, i got lots of texts but only 2 cards and i think i would have appreciated cards more.

freshpopcorn

I’d have thought a text was fairly normal.
I don’t think people want to be getting phone calls right after a relative is after dying.

Bredabe

IMO anything but a phone call, condolences on rip or the like is a lovely compromise.
COVID free, can be read at leisure and enough clues for the family to piece together any clues.

I know ppl thing they should phone, which should be fine, in our case which would be typical , many many phone calls between the family/friends/dr's coming up to the event, that the phone started to be a torture device and in the end, it caused a shot of dread when it rang.