Asked about having kids

shtpEdthePlum

JPup wrote: »

Fair enough. I just tend to think that on message boards like this people tend to lurch toward extremes. So in this case the responses are that this is make or break, no compromise, probably the end of the marriage. In real life I suspect people would be more nuanced in their replies. Plenty of successful fathers have started out in their 30s with severe doubts.

For those message boards you mention of people regretting their children, honestly I think that is rare. Plenty of parents are frustrated and pulling their hair out at times, but to actually be willing to send them back if they could magically I doubt is more than a few percent. You could equally point to lonely people in later life who look back wishing they had kids.

Plus you have to factor in the gender side here. The country is full of Dads who work all week and then go out for hours on end golfing or cycling or to the pub or whatever. It doesn’t make them deadbeat Dads. Just that it’s culturally more acceptable for men to carve out time away from the family than it is for women.

So plenty of room for compromise as I said. You could agree to just one child. Not having two close together taking a lot of pressure off. If you have help from family or childcare that eases the strain a lot too. So I think the OP can keep a happy marriage and ease a lot of the concerns he has around parenthood also.

All my siblings have children and they have all said to me directly that they
1. regret having children
2. resent the children
3. wish they could have their old life back.

While drunk, but I think that's more honest than when they say they wouldn't change it for the world. I think they would change it, give the choice, but you can't say that because it admits the mistake you made in creating a human who is difficult to look after for 18+ years and has completely changed your life whether you like it or not.

golfball37

If she’s thinking like this now then she’ll have serious resentments as the years go by. She’s allowed change her mind and you’re allowed hold firm.
It’s a tough one.

notsoyoungwan

JPup wrote: »

Fair enough. I just tend to think that on message boards like this people tend to lurch toward extremes. So in this case the responses are that this is make or break, no compromise, probably the end of the marriage. In real life I suspect people would be more nuanced in their replies. Plenty of successful fathers have started out in their 30s with severe doubts.

For those message boards you mention of people regretting their children, honestly I think that is rare. Plenty of parents are frustrated and pulling their hair out at times, but to actually be willing to send them back if they could magically I doubt is more than a few percent. You could equally point to lonely people in later life who look back wishing they had kids.

Plus you have to factor in the gender side here. The country is full of Dads who work all week and then go out for hours on end golfing or cycling or to the pub or whatever. It doesn’t make them deadbeat Dads. Just that it’s culturally more acceptable for men to carve out time away from the family than it is for women.

So plenty of room for compromise as I said. You could agree to just one child. Not having two close together taking a lot of pressure off. If you have help from family or childcare that eases the strain a lot too. So I think the OP can keep a happy marriage and ease a lot of the concerns he has around parenthood also.

Having one child is in no way a compromise for someone who wants a childfree life. It’s doing exactly what they don’t want to do. It’s bring responsibility, commitment, change of lifestyle and routine, emotional engagement and a whole world of school, education etc to their lives. Some people just don’t want to be parents. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s a perfectly valid choice.

I don’t mean to sound patronising but I really think some people don’t ‘get’ the thought processes of childfree by choice people. It’s not just about not wanting the drudgery of sleepless nights and dirty nappies, it’s actually not wanting children at all. Not having that desire for a child.

wildwillow

Not wanting a child is a choice the OP has made and has not made a secret of his decision. Maybe his wife thought he would change his mind and didn't take him seriously.

He doesn't want a child and no compromise will work.

He is entitled to live his life child free. You can't hand them back and you are responsible for them at least until they reach adulthood.

shesty

If you go with a solution of "I'll have a child but just be standoffish and not too involved because I never really wanted one", then you may well lose your wife that way too quite quickly.

Princess Calla

shesty wrote: »

If you go with a solution of "I'll have a child but just be standoffish and not too involved because I never really wanted one", then you may well lose your wife that way too quite quickly.

And be stuck with 21 years of mortgage and maintenance payments.

leggo

JPup wrote: »

Fair enough. I just tend to think that on message boards like this people tend to lurch toward extremes. So in this case the responses are that this is make or break, no compromise, probably the end of the marriage. In real life I suspect people would be more nuanced in their replies. Plenty of successful fathers have started out in their 30s with severe doubts.

What you’re identifying here is that there are certain scenarios where there is a proven good option with a track record of success and a proven bad one.

Take, for example, the argument “It’s scummy to beat your wife while in an argument, even if she’s being a bit unreasonable.” That isn’t ‘extreme’ even if it is decisive and dismissive of the alternative opinion. It’s just conclusive because it’s the correct opinion.

Why you’re getting confused here is because you’re translating the absence of nuance on one side as people saying “This is the correct solution and everything is perfect when you do this.” That’s not the case, that’s just YOU misreading their point. For every situation, there are pros and cons. Just because someone makes a point without referencing the cons doesn’t make the opposite opinion correct though. And just because there are negative aspects to one decision doesn’t make it incorrect. You can have a decision that is fraught with challenges and still have it be the overwhelmingly correct decision on balance. That’s what is happening here in the “be an absent father it’ll be fine vs no obviously that’s not the answer” discussion.

LegacyUser

Regular poster, anon for this one..

I'm going to say that the OP is not unusual in how he feels here. Most men don't grow up dreaming of settling down with a family, and they don't get/feel the same pressure from family or others on the issue.

While his wife accepted this early on, she too was young and they probably were having too much fun going out, travelling and what not anyway, but I do firmly believe that most relationships will reach the point that the OP's has - she will change her mind or hope that he'll have come around to it. It's no-one's fault though. It's just how it is with biology and social/family pressures.

Unfortunately the OP now faces a stark choice. Go along with something he's not committed to and hope it works out and he "grows into" the role, or lose his wife, marriage, and all the problems and arguments that will arise with the divorce - which could still happen anyway as kids will change everything and he may end up resenting the impact on his relationship/life as well.

I became an unplanned dad myself (despite us taking precautions), and while I eventually adjusted and wouldn't change it now, it's not been easy (I'm regularly told I don't "think" the right way or don't "get" something) and ultimately it cost me my relationship anyway.

All I can advise really is that if the OP is sure he doesn't want kids that he needs to tell her "it's not going to happen with me", and let her decide whether she can live with that/without them or not. I'd also support the idea of him getting a vasectomy ASAP to reinforce that decision and prevent any accidents. It's something I've also done since myself as I'm definitely sure I don't want any more.

Zebrag

Hi OP

Bit of a tricky situation here.

As a woman myself, I don't speak about all women by the way, sometimes minds change. Situations change. Circumstances change. Whether that's formed by their own opinions or their surroundings or others opinions, minds can change.

You've stated that the pressure from colleagues in work have changed your wifes ideas and she's now questioning whether having children is a good idea. It's hard to say if your wife had always said she didn't want kids but subconsciously does and was always hoping it would be a case of "Ah sure look if it happens, it happens" sort of thing. You on the other hand are adamant for your own reasons, you don't have to apologise or give reasons for your decions.

Then again it may well have been the case of your wife doesn't want kids and society has forced the pressure on her to please everyone.

People are more shocked when a married couple says they don't want kids than a couple with kids who aren't married. I've been judgemental of this and I've had this idealic notion that once a couple gets married, kids come along. That was my upbringing and it still is my own choice. That however doesn't mean I will badger and pressure a couple into thinking the next step of a marriage is children, regardless if they can have children or don't want children and I would like to apologise on their behalf as nobody has a right to pressure anyone into anything, regardless of what society thinks is the next step.

I would love to have a genuine answer or advice for you OP as this is really a tricky one but all I can say is, talk to your wife and find out exactly where her mind is at and how is looks going forward. A year down the line and this situation raising in your head will cause more problems than needed and although there's love there and I can see clearly you love and care for your wife, being married with seperate ideas and goals, will lead to resentment further down the line. It will be painful. It will hurt but there's no way the two of you can go on down the line knowing both needs are not being met.

Don't think rationally yet as your wife isn't 100% straying from what she wants and I think it's the pressure moreso but keep communicating and telling each other what's going on to avoid confusion.

Good luck OP.

Ash.J.Williams

She wants kids

Sammy2012

Hi OP,
It's a tricky one alright but one you'll have to talk about with your wife. There really is no compromise when it comes to this as others have said. We have two wonderful kids and a year ago I started having a longing for one more. The urge is so strong some days its like a physical pain. My husband however has been quite clear that he is not interested. Most of the time I'm fine with his decision but some days the pain is still there. He told me 3 months ago he was not interested in anymore but hadn't been very clear until that point. You need to be open and honest with your wife. Tell her the truth from the outset. She is young and if you chose to end your marriage over it she has time to find someone else. Some people cannot see a life without children unfortunately.

qwerty13

That’s such an honest post Sammy. Fair play to you for writing that. I have to say that I’d never fully understand your POV - I’d straight away be thinking ‘but you have 2 kids who you love, why are you jeopardising your future’. But I guess hormones can do that. Yours is the rawest explanation I’ve heard of it though. I hope it gets better for you. You’re so right though: communication is key.