Single in your 40s

LegacyUser

Hi all, I didn’t want to start a discussion on this under my own name so thought I’d put it here.
I am a 42 year old man who is single and no kids. I have had multiple relationships since I was about 19 or so , with the longest being about 3 years. They didn’t work out for various reasons but ultimately most of them were my fault, as I just find it hard to be around someone all the time, and I find it hard after the honeymoon period is over and lose interest. I’m ok with this for the most part, and I’m just trying to enjoy my life as much as I have. I have plenty of hobbies and am big into fitness and I have friends I see around once a week.
I haven’t completely given up on relationships, maybe I just haven’t met the right one for something long term, but ever since I turned 40 I found I had far less interest from women on dating apps anyway, it just went off a cliff. This could be down to age settings or something who knows, but far less interest now. I know it’s the same for women but you can start to feel a bit invisible to the opposite sex once you get older!
Anyway I do feel like there’s a kind of stigma against men my age on their own and it makes me feel a bit uneasy about myself sometimes. I’ve had comments from friends, even family, and once or twice at work. Like men my age with no woman/kids are weirdos and oddballs and failures.
Any time I’m happy this still gnaws away at me a little bit in the background. I live in a family suburb and I do talk to some of the neighbours but part of me always thinks they probably think I’m the weirdo who lives on his own. I lived in NYC for a few years and sometimes I wish I was back there, I really felt like the anonymity and eclectic mix of people in these huge cities suited who I am. I can’t go back to visa reasons anyway.
I suppose I’m asking if anyone else feels the same? Like they don’t fit into society because they’re on their own? Or life feels a bit aimless? What are single people in their 40s supposed to do with themselves? I don’t mind my job but I’m more a work to live person so it’s not something I can get lost in…
Sorry for the musings and ramblings, I’m just back from the park and I seemed to be the only person there on their own on this beautiful day.

Dial Hard

What's your family & friend situation like? I'm long-term single at 39 and perfectly happy with the likelihood that I'll be staying this way (full disclosure, I don't want children and was married before, just in case that matters). But I have an amazing family around me and a small circle of close friends so I have loads of company, companionship, social outlets etc. I might feel very differently if I didn't have all that.

I do miss the sexual side of things, of course, but you can't have it both ways, I guess!

Anyway, it's not really clear to me from your post whether you *actually* want a relationship and kids or just feel like you should because it's what you think society expects of you (spoiler alert: nobody particularly cares, tbh). I think if you can answer that question for yourself, it might make your next steps a bit clearer.

Rubberchikken

There will be people who think a single male might be weird. Some think because they're married/in a relationship then everyone else should be. Should have kids. Should should should.

You need to live your life. If you're happy as you are, then good.
If you're not, then decide what needs changing.

YellowLead

DH made a very good point. There’s a difference between being single and not happy about it because you would prefer to meet somebody to share your life, or part of, with - and being not happy about it because of what other people think or you are worried they think.

Early 40s as a man - you still have plenty of chances of a relationship is something you actually want. Yes it gets harder as you get older, the pool diminishes. But if you are happy enough being single then I wouldn’t worry, if you meet somebody great, if you don’t and are fairly content without then that’s more than cool too.

Pandiculation

I find Ireland can, despite the recent opening of minds and more liberal politics, be an extremely conformist place. There’s a cookie cutter model of the suburban or rural married lifestyle and I think it often tends to fail to recognise that single people exist and may not necessarily want to be married with kids.

I’m on the other side of a long term relationship that didn’t work out and I’m finding that, particularly after experiencing Ireland through the lockdown and pandemic, that I’m probably better off moving back to the continent and to bigger urban centres.

There’s a lifestyle here, but it’s a very specific one. I find Ireland doesn’t really do multiple models of how life works. That’s fine, but it’s just something I’m increasingly aware of and it’s an issue in housing too. Nothing is geared towards a nice lifestyle if you’re not in a double income situation.

It’s an odd place. I’m glad it’s becoming more progressive and open minded, but I think we have to also recognise it’s a country that comes from a deeply conservative worldview and that’s reflected in many aspects of how it is and how it structures things.

It can be a great place to grow up but it feels a lot more like a one size fits all suburbia and ruralia sometimes.

I don’t mean to “dis” Ireland but it has serious drawbacks if you’re single & not aiming to be conventional.

There are other cities and countries a hop skip and a jump away and I intend to spend a lot more time in them in the years ahead.

If nothing else, the pandemic has made me reevaluate a lot of things.

Purple Mountain

I'm female, nearly hitting 40 and single. I was in a LTR and have a teenager as a result so I find that I don't get questions because I have "half the battle".
I love going to visit friends in Spain because there's no assumption that you should be married/parented up/mortgaged out and men and women can be friends without any questions about motives. This is one thing I hate about Ireland. There is a societal expectation that we should all fit into that neat box.
I remember reading on this very site once an opinion by a poster that if you were single after a certain age it was because you had mental health issues or were odd (I'm paraphrasing now by that's the jist).
Anyway, like a previous poster says, YOU need to figure if you're happy with your status. If you are, screw the opinionated nosy bats and seek out friendships with people in a similar position and if you'd rather have a partner, embrace that thought too and put yourself out there on apps for mature people or join an agency.
Remember- "what other people think of me is none of my business"!

I'm female, mid 40s female. I have no kids and I don't want them. I understand OP about other people's attitudes, the things people say sometimes are unbelievable!
I agree with some of the other posts here, it's a very Irish attitude, you should be coupled up, you should have kids. It's an old fashioned view, probably because it was that way for So long here.
I was lucky that I got to live overseas to work for a while, it was a very multi national with a lot of singles, or people working away from home. I loved it, loved the variety of things to do with different people. Loved the fact that no-one expected me to be married or have kids.
I used to live in a 3 bed semi in a suburban housing estate, the neighbours were lovely, but I felt 'out of place ' so I sold up. Suburbia is not for me.

I know myself what I want in my life, and I am happy with myself. Other people's attitude don't bother me now, because I am content.
I do what I want, when I want, I make all my own decisions without the need to compromise or discuss with anyone else. I'm my own boss

That's a bit of a ramble, basically, like already said, you need to decide what makes you happy, if you really want to be coupled up, then don't give up, if you think you would be better single, embrace it and to hell with the begrudgers.

Pandiculation

Yeah. I liked living abroad for that reason. I never felt I had to justify myself all the time. Maybe it would be different if I grew up with a circle of friends from those places but, I found here from age 20 you were getting lectured by colleagues and total strangers about not being on the housing ladder.

I know I’ve single female friends who’ve had absolutely horrid things said to them by random guys in pubs and I’ve had a few odd ones said to me as a male too over the last few years - just patronising nonsense. It’s just not worth even giving it much thought but I think we are a culture that’s only beginning to embrace individualism in some ways. It embraces it very well in someways and not in others.

It’s important to just live your life in a way that makes you happy, but there are times I find Ireland needs to move beyond “the valley do the curtain twitchers” but I think the place is evolving and those people should be ignored a lot more than they often are. They’re usually just pass remarkable gossips & should be seen as such.

I’d also advise you to get involved in stuff that’s about doing things : Meetup.com groups, art groups, walking and hiking groups, community projects, there are lots of things, especially in urban areas that aren’t as conventional. If they’re not for you just move on to the next one.

The pandemic is a bit dull but checkout Meetup in particular for virtual events. They’re good to get to know people.

bitofabind

One life lesson that has taken me a few decades to learn is that often what society says we "should" do/be runs contrary to what we actually need as individuals. This runs across countries and cultures. I lived in London and the expectation was to prioritise work and career above all else because success was the currency. In Ireland, we're a bit more parochial and it's the marriage, mortgage and kids as a form of identity. We don't yet cater to or embrace the less conventional folks, which is a pity because IME they're often the more interesting and open-minded too.

OP - don't internalise the "should"s and the "not enough"s of the world around you and try to see the folks that make you feel like being single is weird/odd/whatever as exactly what they are, a symptom of a closed mindset. Forget the outside noise. What do YOU want? It's not clear if you really would like to meet someone, given you've struggled to stay in relationships in the past. How's your life more generally? How's your mental health? Are you happy in your job, do you have ways to stay busy on the weekend?

I've spent a lot of time single, and I stopped noticing or caring about all the outside noise when I got really peaceful and content with my single life. I just thought, feck it, it might be just little old me for the rest of my days so may as well crack on and make it worth my while. Cleared the cobwebs in my head with a therapist and really settled into myself. It was the best barrier to giving a sh1t about the parochial chitter chatter I've ever built for myself, and an upside was I got really clear on my values and what I was looking for romantically too.

And finally - you're 40-odd, fit and have your sh1t together. You're a catch by most women's standards. Dating apps are toxic to most of us, age is just another way they make you feel crap about yourself.

Pandiculation

Dating apps are where romance dies in my view. They’re just the most superficial and toxic way of interacting with other humans. I don’t deny that they serve a purpose and that some people have found their ideal partner on them, but they’ve a LOT of downsides too and need to be approached with a large degree of caution and a willingness to never take them seriously.

You’re better off just expanding your circle of friends. You’ll meet people who you might never in a million years be interested in romantically, but they’re all relationships that are important in their own way.

Should you happen to bump into that right woman or man along the way, that’s great. If you don’t, you’ll have met load of interesting people.

My view of it is increasingly live, let live and enjoy yourself. Life isn’t about attaining the approval or conforming to a convention.

BingCrosbee

>>Mod snip - No need to quote entire OP as its them and their thread you're replying to. Quoting long posts clogs the thread and makes it difficult for touch site users to navigate through <<

I wish you all the best but when you said you are big into fitness is another way of saying I’m big into myself. Maybe I’m wrong but you might try looking at that aspect of your life. Relationships are all about sharing and respect and it gets harder the older you get.

Yep, God forbid that people try to stay fit and healthy as they get older #rolleyes#

Pandiculation

@ BingCrosbee - No offence intended but you’re jumping to some rather far fetched and unfair conclusions there about someone’s personality based on nothing but what seems to be a prejudice about people who keep fit.

Keeping fit is a bit more challenging when you get your 20s, but it’s something many people do. It doesn’t imply anything other than that they keep fit.

LegacyUser

When I say big into fitness I just mean I run most days and I watch my diet and stuff, I look and am fitter than most people my age, I get told that all the time, but this definitely seems to be one of the bennies of not being married and having kids.
@Die Hard – I don’t have a very active social life right now, no, but the fact that I cant travel to see my friends in other places, or take part in activities etc. has hindered that right now. I’d say usually yes I go mountain biking and surfing with a few boys who live in a different part of the country, and I often visit friends in England and Holland.
@bitofabind and the others talking about Ireland and parochialism. I think this might be it, I left NY when I was 36 but at the time I had friends in their 50s and 60s. It’s like a whole different social strata exists that isn’t here, most of my old friends here are settled down and just don’t do anything sociable any more, like nothing at all. I almost have to threaten them to come to get togethers at my house because they hmm and haw so much!
I don’t like that I have to live in the boring suburbs but it was all I could afford to buy, there aren’t many happening areas in Dublin anyway, and the less settled areas I could never afford to buy there anyway.
I do kind of want to move away, but I don’t know where I’d go, my options are becoming limited. On the other hand I’m thinking of putting the head down for 10 years and then retiring early and moving to Spain or Portugal, where I have spent a lot of time and like it there.
Generally I’m happy, I guess I’m just seeing if it’s normal to feel a bit self conscious. I have a small family but good relations with them generally, apart from my mam badgering me if I have a girlfriend or not they don’t judge me at all.
So yeah, covid probably isn’t helping, but I’m just feeling a bit lost and bored lately.
As for women and babies etc – I just don’t really care, I can live without sex as I have only ever enjoyed it with people I am mad about and that hasn’t been very often in my life.
Thank you for the feedback, it’s nice to have people listen to me and take me seriously on these matters!

BingCrosbee

Pandiculation wrote: »

@ BingCrosbee - No offence intended but you’re jumping to some rather far fetched and unfair conclusions there about someone’s personality based on nothing but what seems to be a prejudice about people who keep fit.

Keeping fit is a bit more challenging when you get your 20s, but it’s something many people do. It doesn’t imply anything other than that they keep fit.

I don’t agree. I’m very fit and I’m 63. Still play football and cycle 200 miles weekly. But I am not into myself and there lots of people now who are really into themselves. I mean no harm and am only expressing an opinion as I see it.

BingCrosbee

BingCrosbee wrote: »

I don’t agree. I’m very fit and I’m 63. Still play football and cycle 200 miles weekly. But I am not into myself and there lots of people now who are really into themselves. I mean no harm and am only expressing an opinion as I see it.

So you're into fitness, but you're not into yourself, and the OP is into fitness, but he is into himself?
Good logic there Bing

LegacyUser

I think things are fairly bleak for men that dont find someone to love and, if theyre blessed and want them, have kids. Certainly by late 40s and then 50s 60s on your own, itll be tough existence in any city. Sure youll get be able to get a bit of sex now and again but you soon even get bored with that. Lonely as hell. No one to go on holidays with. Night after night on your own. Especially for men as theyre not as resourseful as women.

You sound like you want a family and youre clearly able to get women so thats something. You gotta stop this cycle of pump and dump when you get bored though.

Are you getting with girls your actually attracted to? If you go with girls your meh about its not going to work out for a guy like you.

Work on getting a girl you fancy and like her company and keeping things going, planning things, holidays, and just going with the flow without big expectations.

BingCrosbee

BingCrosbee wrote: »

I’m not into fitness as it being the the be all and end all. I have always looked after myself without being the modern gob****e with the tracksuit, no socks, runners, arsehole haircut, etc. so my logic is 100 per cent. I think I hit a chord with you though. You are one of these people who are into fitness and everything else is relegated into 2nd place.

Lol!
Shows you just make up whatever suits you, with absolutely zero evidence of anything
Funny.

Purple Mountain

Mods- where could I raise the question/suggestion that a forum be created for over 40s singles?
Something similar to the recent forum for Childfree by Choice would be nice, which is evident from the replies to this thread.
Thanks.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

BingCrosbee offer constructive advice in a civil way to the OP, or so don't post in the thread. I have deleted your last post which is off topic.

Purple Mountain, thanks for your suggestion. There is a Forum Request Forum here, which is probably the best place for your post?

Thanks

HS

LegacyUser

Rgf789 wrote: »

I think things are fairly bleak for men that dont find someone to love and, if theyre blessed and want them, have kids. Certainly by late 40s and then 50s 60s on your own, itll be tough existence in any city. Sure youll get be able to get a bit of sex now and again but you soon even get bored with that. Lonely as hell. No one to go on holidays with. Night after night on your own. Especially for men as theyre not as resourseful as women.

You sound like you want a family and youre clearly able to get women so thats something. You gotta stop this cycle of pump and dump when you get bored though.

Are you getting with girls your actually attracted to? If you go with girls your meh about its not going to work out for a guy like you.

Work on getting a girl you fancy and like her company and keeping things going, planning things, holidays, and just going with the flow without big expectations.

Yeah that's the thing, I tried the travelling alone thing a couple of years ago, and I really didn't like it, it was a lot easier doing that when I was younger staying in hostels but now no, it's not for me.

I think the family thing is no longer viable, people (mostly women) seem to think a 42 year old man can just easily get some 35 year old woman, but why would they want to get with a guy my age when there are plenty of younger men out there?

I at least thought I was very attracted to my last girlfriend, we are split up a few years now and I haven't been with anyone since - I think the fact that didnt work out was the last straw and I just started to think I wasn't cut out for relationships. Although looking back now we were probably too different.

I guess I just want to be happy and content, I don't think I fully am right now. Being stuck in suburbia at this age and spending so much time alone, especially since covid, probably isn't good for me and I need to find a way of living differently. I'm thinking I might live somewhere warm in Europe for a couple of months and working remotely, if possible, when we can fly again. But then that feels a bit like I'm just running away from my situation temporarily.

YellowLead

[quote="everybodywangchungtonight;116994940"
I think the family thing is no longer viable, people (mostly women) seem to think a 42 year old man can just easily get some 35 year old woman, but why would they want to get with a guy my age when there are plenty of younger men out there?
.[/quote]

An interesting thought. Here’s my two cents - you are exactly in the right market for mid 30s ladies. I am one myself and guys my own age are generally looking for younger women (late 20s to early 30s) so it’s older or nothing for me.
I know because of what guys that age have told me, what I’ve read up about online, and finally I did an experiment where I deleted my tinder account and dropped the age lower without changing my photos or wording and suddenly I was seeing lots more men my age in my feed due to getting into more people’s age search limits.
Also a lot of mid 30s guys are still a little immature and a slightly older guy can appeal to a lot of ladies my age.

Pandiculation

In my 30s but I’ve tried travelling on my own a few times, mostly business linked stuff but after 24 hours I’m just bored out of my tree and finding it stressful.

I absolutely hate eating out on my own. I’m also not someone who has ever felt good about wandering into a bar on my own. It usually just ends up feeling extremely awkward to me and I’d end up leaving.

Even having lunch on my own isn’t something I enjoy at all. It’s just utilitarian and I might maybe end up distracting myself on a laptop or phone for the whole time and hate every minute of it.

That’s just me though. I’ve always envied people who can just do that. I know both men and women who are totally happy in their own company and can decide to bord a plane to NZ or Argentina and seem to have a great time of it, on their own.

I’d be bored out of my tree by the time I got the airport, never mind the whole holiday.

everybodywangchungtonight

everybodywangchungtonight wrote: »

Yeah that's the thing, I tried the travelling alone thing a couple of years ago, and I really didn't like it, it was a lot easier doing that when I was younger staying in hostels but now no, it's not for me.
.

There are lots of group travelling companies, intrepid, g-travel, many others. You can be single yet also have the group around.
No-one wants to be single in hostels in your 40s, unless your the last swinger in town!

Purple Mountain

^^ I'm lucky in that I have a few friends abroad in nice destinations.
So I book my holidays aroundb that with my own accommodation, but have them to fall back on for meeting up or not depending on how we are all fixed.
Thst might be something yo consider OP.

LegacyUser

Yes I'm lucky that I have friends and family in a few places in Europe, so I shall feck off for a while as soon as that's possible. Actually most of my friends who are single and my age live abroad, sometimes I wish they were here life would be so much better.

I installed Tinder the other night, got rid of it this morning. Bloody hell it depressed me, I did get plenty of matches but trying to converse with them was like blood from a stone, it seems to be just lots of people showing off and posting instagram style pictures of themselves, but I guess that's just how things are now and it has passed me by!

Anyway I'm feeling a bit better this week about things, I do try and be grateful for how privileged I am with my own place and money I can't even spend.
I guess covid has made things worse, but I'm going to do as many things as I can when/if we open up again and try and get involved in different groups, I guess that's all I can do or continue to spend too much time alone.

RojaStar

I'm a female who just turned 40 and I do think Covid and endless lockdowns has magnified this type of feeling. I definitely feel like being single and childless at this age is generally socially unacceptable. The limited lifestyle of the past year has made me put a lot of thought into what I want out of life. I've been thinking a lot about having kids. But do I actually really want that or is it just because in lockdown all of the things that make being single enjoyable have been taken away and it seems like it's the done thing?

I wouldn't say I'm single by choice really, but I would say I make the most of it! I moved country a few times in the peak "coupling up" years of the late 20s and have had several relationships that have ended for different reasons. Since turning 40 I've definitely noticed a considerable drop off on the apps. I actually give up on those now, they make me feel worthless to be honest. Some of the questions from men are so depressing and often outright offensive, essentially implying there must be something wrong with me, or I'm too "picky". Frankly some people aren't picky enough, I think a lot of women panic and stick with Mr. Right Now and don't seem to particularly enjoy life. I'd much rather be on my own than in an unhappy or unfulfilling relationship.

Anyway, don't really know what I'm trying to say here only I think it's normal to feel like the odd one out under the circumstances. I do know that there are a lot more people in this situation now than ever before, sign of the times I suppose. Also I'm grateful to live in a busy, central area as I think being in suburbia surrounded by couples my age with young families would amplify these feelings even more.

sleepyman

I've recently hit the 40 mark,out of a 15 year relationship and fine it tough going to be honest.Coupled with a dwindling circle of friends and paying over a grand in rent in Dublin doesn't help also.
I have to say I now dred long weekends also.

Pandiculation

I'd just say don't let your experience on dating apps influence how you feel about yourself. They are horrible, superficial, unfriendly experiences that reduce people to left/right swipes and dating to something more akin to shopping for hats on a website.

Join stuff, do things and meet people in context. You'll hear the odd take of great romances starting on apps, but for a lot of people they're the worst possible place to start looking.

Senior

Agree with what you are saying but the apps are good for sex, so they have their uses.

YellowLead

Senior wrote: »

Agree with what you are saying but the apps are good for sex, so they have their uses.

Agree totally.

dd973

It's odd how people who meet this soulmate sibling they can have conjugal relations with before the age of 25 think #1 they're the only heterosexuals on the planet and #2 luck has played no role in their lives.

Maybe there are people who are born temperamentally and emotionally 'couply', it's hardwired into their personalities to be with someone or actively looking for someone.

There might statistically be 'someone for everyone' but what use is that if this person is living in Chile or the arse end of Canada and you're never going to meet them?

Living near me are a young couple who look tied together at the ankles, leave the house together, go back to the house together, when I see them I'm split between envy and 'can't those sad bastards look after themselves?'.

Another pair near me is this monosyllabic thug and his blonde gf with two young kids though God knows how it's all being bankrolled, seen the bloke involved in what suspiciously looks like drug dealing, nasty piece of work yet someone's seen him and saw their sunlit dream.

Getting on for 50 now and don't give a toss anymore, pay for female company one or twice a year, been a while now with the pandemic so looking forward to the next visit. :P

RojaStar

dd973 wrote: »

It's odd how people who meet this soulmate sibling they can have conjugal relations with before the age of 25 think #1 they're the only heterosexuals on the planet and #2 luck has played no role in their lives.

I think it's less about luck and more that people have different expectations of relationships. What might make one person content might be another person's idea of complete drudgery.

Some people mistake codependency for love. Other people just settle for someone because it's the easy answer, most convenient option or the 'logical' next step (ETA but few would be honest enough with themselves to admit that).

Addle

RojaStar wrote: »

I think it's less about luck and more that people have different expectations of relationships. What might make one person content might be another person's idea of complete drudgery.

Some people mistake codependency for love. Other people just settle for someone because it's the easy answer, most convenient option or the 'logical' next step (ETA but few would be honest enough with themselves to admit that).

Some people just make a decision too.
It’s a box ticking exercise.

LegacyUser

Senior wrote: »

Agree with what you are saying but the apps are good for sex, so they have their uses.

I must be doing it wrong because every app I've used nearly every woman has NO HOOK UPS NO ONS on their profile, as if men must be just harassing them for sex all the time.
I can't even do no strings sex anyway as I only ever want to have sex with people that I want more than just sex from.
At this stage I've accepted that I may never have sex again, it's been so long now I forget what it's like anyway!

Sonic the Shaghog

Not even being funny the best way to shut up these comments is usually something like "ugh putting up listening to little brats no thanks"

Or "Jesus no I haven't the patience to live with a woman"

They'll get taken aback and might think you're a bit of cnut but in my experience it's like it slowly sinks in that you've a point to most people

I've also heard some women say they haven't the patience for dealing with a man and it also works

Mimon

Trying not to be judgmental but visiting prostitutes could mean you are complicit in trafficking or at a minimum supporting people with mental health/drug problems being controlled by ruthless people.

standardg60

everybodywangchungtonight wrote: »

I must be doing it wrong because every app I've used nearly every woman has NO HOOK UPS NO ONS on their profile, as if men must be just harassing them for sex all the time.
I can't even do no strings sex anyway as I only ever want to have sex with people that I want more than just sex from.
At this stage I've accepted that I may never have sex again, it's been so long now I forget what it's like anyway!

I am exactly the same OP, my relationships failed for the same reasons too, not wanting to be with them all the time, though for me it was that that led to the losing interest, as they equivocated that to meaning i didn't want to be with them at all, and that doubt invariably crept in.

LegacyUser

Mimon wrote: »

Trying not to be judgmental but visiting prostitutes could mean you are complicit in trafficking or at a minimum supporting people with mental health/drug problems being controlled by ruthless people.

Have I been visiting prostitutes without realising it? News to me!
Sex is alien to me now, a young man's game!

micosoft

For me it boils down to this "I live in a family suburb" which is driving your sense of doubt. You've created cognitive dissonance by choosing one life style but living in a community leading a different lifestyle. That's very difficult. Its why most of the happiest gay people I know live in an apartment in London or NYC or San Francisco. Because there is a similar community there and they don't feel alienated or doubt if they had chosen a conventional lifestyle in suburbs. Humans have a need to conform. Take yourself out of the family suburb (why? the only good reason to live in a family suburb is... because you have a family and need space/schools etc) and move to the City Centre. Socialise with people live a similar lifestyle to you. Soon that doubt will evaporate.

Porklife

I agree with the above and the Op said he was much happier living in New York but for visa reasons can't return.
After a period of feeling a similar loneliness years ago, I moved to Berlin. It was a great experience and I was suddenly thrown into a buzzing vibrant life but a deep niggling loneliness always trickled under the surface. I think as we get older too, moving to the city centre can somewhat amplify feelings of emptiness when there's so much going on around you but youre by yourself. The Op felt this after being in the park and I can completely relate.

It's tough Op and i totally understand how you feel cos i felt the same way for years. I've often felt lonely even when I'm in a relationship and really like the guy. Maybe it's just a void in me.

If it's any solace, know that you're not alone in feeling like this and there's nothing wrong with being single at any age. Surround yourself with things that challenge you and/or make you happy be it music, writing, cooking, cycling, whatever the case may be. Once lockdown lifts, join meet up.com or similar and throw yourself into social events. Online dating sucks but it can be fun if you don't take it too seriously. Go on dates, have hook ups, keep on swiping.
There are no guarantees and life constantly shocks and amazes me in equal measure. I hope you find contentment with or without a woman by your side. You have alot of positives going for you and who knows where you might find yourself next year or month or even tomorrow.

LegacyUser

Apart from a few extremely expensive areas though the rest of Dublin is just semi-d dreary suburbia.
I have looked at renting somewhere more lively and urban in say Ranelagh or Phibsborough or somewhere in D4 and there is literally nothing anything remotely affordable for someone to rent on their own!
I have to count my blessings I have anywhere affordable to live at all given the circumstances in Ireland, so moaning about having no cafes or hip bars nearby is a bit first world problemy, I'm trying to be grateful for what I have, even if sometimes I feel like I don't fit in.

Life is good, I just struggle sometimes with where it is all going, but I'm studying at night and I'm hoping in the next few years I might be able to get some job I can do remotely, I would take a very modest salary if it gave me the flexibility to live abroad for months at a time.

I'm hoping my spirits lift some more when society starts to open up and my options are greater. Sorry for the diary style posts I'm sick listening to myself too, don't worry!

Graces7

I think we go thought phases on these things and that it is healthy and normal to do so

I went through a spell of, well, grief, in my early 50s, being alone etc. "Neither chick nor child. " etc. And no living relatives.. With me it was a deep loneliness also. I have a disabling illness so life was very limited.

And I think it is perfectly normal and healthy to assess and reassess and , yes, grieve.

Now, about 25 years on, ! And I am settled with who and where I am. Things opened up/changed enough, in unexpected ways, that I am fulfilled and at peace. Busy!

Just be sure that as someone very famous said, "This too shall pass" when things get hard.

You sound to have your head on your shoulders about it all! Good luck!

bitofabind

I think Covid has made us all a lot more introspective and self-reflective. I spent the first lockdown self-isolating on my own in a small flat in London, staring at the same four walls, back-to-back work zoom calls during the day and then my own navel gazing thoughts to deal with in the evening. I'd never been so exposed to my own thought process and emotions before in my life, the mixture of loneliness, sadness, overwhelm and grief I experienced was intense.

We're in Year Two now and fatigue has set in for all of us, for the single of us I don't know how you could escape that intense loneliness and sadness from time to time. It's there because your human, try to meet it with awareness and self-compassion. Don't ruminate on it, just notice it and let it pass through you. I got into a little habit of talking to myself with these hard feelings, "ah, there it is again. Need to take it easy on myself today" and would throw on a podcast and march out the door for a two-hour walk, or have a little cry, or whatever. Just let it pass. You're not alone in feeling these things

everybodywangchungtonight wrote: »

What are single people in their 40s supposed to do with themselves?

What is any person meant to do with themselves? Just crack on and find a bit of peace and self-acceptance. Do what makes you feel good and learn how to like and trust yourself. Relationships can be great, but they don't problem solve for this stuff. We all have to face ourselves at the end of it all. I wonder if this is why you've had challenges staying in relationships beyond the honeymoon period in the past, because once you get past the relationship "high" and settle into the status quo, it stops "saving" you from having to deal with yourself. Your thoughts, your feelings, unresolved stuff from your past.

I think finding self-acceptance in your life as it is, and in you as you are, would be the best next step for you. And that includes being ok with not having the answers to these bigger questions.

LegacyUser

Yes bitofabind you're right there, once meeting someone new wears off I'm still left with all these existential thoughts and the reality that I'm not quite content with life comes to the fore and I don't want to be in a relationship any more, once I realise they're not the answer to all my problems.
If I had a job I like and was more happy with things in general I'd probably be in a much better position to hold down a good relationship.
But I've definitely made a lot of progress towards becoming happy doing my own thing, it's just taking time, and I didn't think I'd still be figuring it all out at my age, but it's probably the same for everyone. It must be even harder if you have kids running around and you're married, it would be for me anyway.
I remember I couldn't list even one thing when hobbies or interests came up apart from the usual boring stuff like the gym or travelling, but I'm slowly building up on things to keep me busy and growing the interests I have, doing all these little things adds up and I am starting to feel like I have a busy enough life in my own way.
I also feel better about finally realising I have to get the hell out of my job, even if it takes a few years, but it feels freeing now that I've worked out a way of getting out of there.
Thanks again all.

YellowLead

unreallife wrote: »

OP you are not alone... many here are around your age and single. Most because they haven't met the right partner since last relationship. The older we get the harder it is to tolerate another person with his/her own established habits on a daily basis.
It's easier to be alone and gives greater freedom. Though this is just a self-comfort for not having met the right partner yet which would be the ideal of course for most (although many may not admit it).
Maybe we just need an alternative app to be developed and leave tinder for folks in their 20s...

Don’t forget there is hinge and bumble
Anyone ever used a matchmaker? I’m curious but costs seem to be hard to find out....prob because they charge a lot.

SnuggyBear

Kind of feeling the same lately. Feeling like I'm missing out but at the same time not bothered with the effort of a relationship. My sex drive has gone off a cliff lately so I don't even have that motivation anymore. Tinder is painful even if I can get a decent amount of matches and I delete it after a day. Try again 6 months later and the same people are still on it.

I barely have time to myself when I'm working but being out of work during the lockdowns had me wondering about the future and being alone for life.

Not sure what the solution is op but your not alone.

Segotias

Like so many here I'm the same early 40's, online has proved a disaster, I find men my own age who want to settle down are looking for younger women as they're looking to have a family.

When I was on tinder it was just people looking for hook ups or ONS

I tried match, while I got a better response rate I still got a good few 21yo's looking for hook up, all looking for the "cougar" experience, they didn't mind my age, I had to remind them for me to be a cougar I'd have to be chasing them and age was a factor for me.

Of there rest there was no spark with anyone, some random catfishing and one who got in too heavy too soon for what was a non runner.

For now with hopefully more things opening and coming back to normal I'll be focusing on getting back to myself and happy and content in my own skin as such and then will see from there.

At this point I've gone this long being single its not a big deal to stay that way

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

As the thread is straying into general dating discussion and the OP has plenty to go on as it is, I'm going to close the thread here.

It may be of interest to some but boards has an online dating forum. You can request access to it here. Also there is a forum request thread that seems to be still live looking to set up a forum for Singles Over 40 that some might be interested in voting on here.

Thanks all for taking the time to offer help and advice

HS