Start a family or not?

LegacyUser

Dear All,

Going unreg for this one.

I need your help, firstly apologies if this is a little incoherent - my girlfriend and I are dating a number of years we have lived together for the last 18 months and things have been generally good, we get on well and hold each other in high regard and respect each other, it's hard to describe but I feel safe and comfortable with her and I thrust her completely, I love her and when we are apart I miss our conversations and her company, but sometimes I find been in each other's company a little exhausting and often miss my old life as a single man not in a dating/sex sense but time alone and freedom to do as I please.
My GF now wants to start a family and purchase our own home, both of these are a deal breaker for her and to be fair totally normal. I am completely lost and don’t know if I want a family, and its causes enormous strain and stress for both of us waiting for me to figure out if I want to have children or not, I have longed for clarity and decisiveness and tried everything including counselling to help me.

I feel stressed and pressurized not knowing if I am doing the right thing, one day I am all in and two days later I am panicking and I can’t think straight.

My girlfriend is a great person, very good to me and she can’t do enough for me to help overcome my fears, I get cold feet and worry about us breaking up in a few years, how will we cope with the stress of children a million things run through my mind, more negative than positive, are we a strong couple emotionally but I wonder if the sexual attraction has worn off for both of us (sex is about once a month at best, I get the sense she don't really enjoy it with me and I thought once we moved in together we would have a honeymoon period).

My indecisiveness is also unfair, I feel guilty all the time for been selfish and the stress I am putting on my GF and the effect my indecisiveness is having on her health. I just can’t figure out what to do, most of the time I can't think straight.

Every day I wake up thinking hopefully today I will see the light and we can get on with it but no luck I don’t know what is wrong with me but I feel stressed and pressurized all the time, and it's my problem, I often think of my life as a single man, living alone and I miss it, but at the same time I don’t want to break up with my girlfriend, I am completely lost and utterly confused and stressed.

I would appreciate any advice.

TLDR – Start a family or not?

Dial Hard

If you're having intimacy issues already and you suspect that your girlfriend isn't particularly pushed about sex in general then I cannot stress enough how bad an idea it would be for you to start a family with her. We see sooooooooo many threads in here from men who are miserable in sexless relationships but feel like they can't leave because of the kids, and almost without fail they knew there was an issue before they committed, but went ahead anyway because they thought a baby would magically fix things. Then lo and behold, were honestly puzzled when what little sex there was to began with dried up altogether as soon as the partner got pregnant.

I'd be willing to bet that sex has been an issue pretty much since the start of your relationship, would I be right? Maybe a few good months at the very start but then, slippage.

You need to have a really long, hard think about whether this relationship is for you, OP. Even taking intimacy issues out of the equation, all the ways you speak about her scream that you're invested in this because of habit, not because you're particularly happy. Don't sleepwalk into a situation you'll end up regretting in a few years.

YellowLead

I think people should only have children when they really really want them. Otherwise it spells trouble down the line. If you are missing your freedom/single life at times you will miss it 100 times more when you will have even less time to yourself once kids come along and you might end up resenting your gf. Sexual incompatibility is often a deal breaker in the long term and it generally isn’t something that improves with time.

You girlfriend is sure of what she wants and she is entitled to that. Every couple reaches a point where long term wants and needs need to match as well as the little things and hard as it might be if they don’t align it’s better to split.

It would be unfair to both your gf and any future kids if you go along with this plan without your whole heart and soul going into it too. I know you love your gf - but if you really do you know it will be kinder to let her break free and find somebody else who wants kids to settle down with.

forestgirl

If you wanted a child you would feel really excited about it but I think you just haven't reached that stage in life yet,it may also be the case you have not met the right person and if you feel that way you must let her go find her path in life,what age are you both? Regardless of how long you are together it may be that the relationship has run its course

Sex once a month, at best?
Doesn't bode well for your relationship. Maybe deep down you know this. You think she doesn't want to have sex with you. Don't even think about having children together until ye figure this out.

Car99

Simple if you have doubts then it is not the right time to start a family.

osarusan

It sounds like you want to want it, but you don't actually want it.

Unless/until you really do want it, don't do it.

Everybody - you, your partner, your future child - deserves better than that.

Princess Calla

It shouldn't be this hard.

It should feel like natural progression.

Obviously every life changing decision should cause you to pause and have a think about it, but it generally doesn't throw you into turmoil.

If sex is once a month , for a young couple that's major alarm bells....now I do get some people aren't that into it which is fine if both partners are on the same page. However if one is already disenchanted with it , it doesn't bode well. There are so many threads on here from men saying they were used for baby making once that was achieved bedroom door was firmly shut.

I think deep down you know your answer....make sure you wear a condom from now on.

Thelonious Monk

I think many men have doubts and similar thoughts to some extent when it comes to marriage/kids, but in this case it really sounds to me like you probably shouldn't have a kid with this woman.
I felt similar to you in my last relationship, she was a great person but the idea of having kids and moving in together put a feeling of dread into me because I was never entirely sure if I wanted that, with her anyway. My indecisiveness caused me to tune out of the relationship and it led to us splitting up. It's clear to me now that we are both better off having gone our separate ways though and I still feel guilty for wasting her time.
I think you'll have to have a very difficult conversation with her.

Rubberchikken

I agree with others that if you've any doubt then think again.
Kids are great. But life doesn't get easier with them. Sec doesn't become more plentiful with them in your life.
Doubts need to get listened to.
You've done great in having counselling. You're talking/thinking about it. But and it's a big but, if there's doubt then maybe hard decisions need to be made.

Caranica

If you have to ask, the answer is don't do it. Please! Starting a family is life altering, and needs a solid foundation.

Also, if sex is that sporadic now, I'd worry for life after a child. My friend's other half refuses to have sex with them since the birth and the child is now school age.

shesty

Sex once a month is alarm bells tbh OP.
Also (as a parent) I can tell you now that kids bring every single problem between the 2 of you right up to the surface and make it impossible to ignore.You are tired and it is hard work (especially if more than one child) and your ability to keep a lid on things that bother you just gets less and less, until it all comes out.Don't think a baby will improve it, it won't.It takes a fairly strong relationship to weather kids.

Fell upon my sword

Hi OP,

I never post here, but I had to do it this time.

I am not sure how old you are, but I recognize myself in your story.
I got married at the age of 25.

Sex with my then girlfriend was neither frequent nor great, but I thought it would improve over time.
Like you, I also felt there were other important aspects to consider, like feeling relax and comfortable with each other in daily life etc. So I just went along with the plan, got married and had a child soon after.

Like you, I was not sure either I wanted a child. But my wife wanted one, and it just felt like the thing to do.

Fast forward 10 years, I haven't had sex in 10 years, and have zero hope of it ever happening again in my life.
No amount of keeping fit, doing the housework (i do most of it except the cooking, even though I work and my wife doesn't) or talking about it openly will change it. "Not interested, I won't change".
This is slowly killing me. I even dread going to bed at night as my neighbors have a very healthy (and loud) sexual life.

I keep thinking, "why not me?". Why am I here, working my a*se off during the day, studying at night, cleaning the house, and can't get anything I want. No sex, no intimacy, nothing.
How is that fair?
What's even the point of living when I can't get anything I want?
That's how much it is affecting me. And I know there is no way out of it. I am stuck. So I am just watching my life pass me by, knowing I'll never ever get what I crave so much. I am not even 40, and there is nothing to hope for in this life.

Luckily, I am blessed to have a smart and beautiful daughter.
Although she is the reason I can't get out of this situation, I love her more than anything, and that's the only thing that keeps me going. I work hard, study to keep competitive in the job market, to try to get her the best life possible. Mine is over, but at least I can try my best to give her a good life. I feel it's all I have. My own life is behind me now.

And the truth is OP, there is no one to blame but myself. I can't blame my wife for not wanting to be intimate with me. I wouldn't want her to force herself either. I can't blame her for being who she is.
It's all my fault: the warning signs were here from the start, but I ignored them.

PLEASE DON'T BE ME OP!
Don't spend the rest of your life kicking yourself. Don't set yourself up for a miserable life.
I can ensure you, you will meet someone with who you'll feel equally as comfortable as you are with your current girlfriend, but with who you'll have a great sexual connection. And then you'll be the one pushing for the baby, without a hint of doubt or hesitation if you want one!

JJayoo

She sounds more like a good friend than a future wife

YellowLead

@fell upon my sword please don’t think that you can’t have a second chance at happiness. I understand you wanting to stay for your daughter - but you will still be in your 40s when she finishes school? I’ve met plenty of men on the dating scene who had marriages like that and left when the kids grew up and are now able to enjoy other new relationships. You don’t have to stay married to your wife forever!

OP - I’ve heard this tale from men a thousand times some who broke free and some still married and miserable and it’s always with regret. Yes it takes more time and effort finding that great person we get along with as friends and are also very physically attracted too and it’s all mutual. But we are better off finding it later in life than settling into a miserable marriage that is hard to entangle from when kids arrive. Some women don’t enjoy/want to enjoy sex but do it on occasion out of duty and it NEVER changes for the better just because you get married/have a kid.
Some women are happy to stay in a relationship maybe they’re not 100% into/not physically attracted just because they want kids and a man who will do what he is told.
Finding somebody you are sexually compatible with is more important than some people realise - until it’s too late.

TheadoreT

These threads invariably all boil down to sex. You put it in brackets as a kinda sidenote on your post but I get the feeling this is whats holding you back.

You say you don't miss dating and sex in single life but barely even having sex once a month. Are you being honest here that you dont miss it? Have you always had a low drive or has your perceived notion that your GF doesn't enjoy it with you somewhat emasculated you in that sense? Does she reject your advances or who does the initiating the rare times you do have sex?

Sex seems to go one of two ways in long term relationships, familiarity can either grow a more intense bond or makes things very awkward. Sounds like the latter in your case and this only every gets worse with time. You can have delusional notions like "oh it will get better when we move in together", "when we're married", "after a child" but none of this is likely.

Listen, if you both genuinely have low sex drives and everything else works then you should probably crack on. But you really need to be fully honest with yourself here and be comfortable signing up to a life of celibacy or something close to it.
Your confidence is probably low in that regard right now. Her lack of attraction in you doesn't define your attractiveness overall. You could have a much greater chemistry with someone else and live a far more fulfilling and happy life. Many people bury their heads in the sand thinking they've invested so much thats its too trivial a matter to end things over. Your intuition is screaming at you that something feels off, my advice would be to listen to it.

wildwillow

Your ages could be significant in this, but you are not ready to have a child, or indeed to continue as you are.

You need to end the relationship to give your partner a chance of a family with someone else.

She may not enjoy sex with you or with anyone for that matter. Or she may be simply bored with the kind of sex you are having. Only you know. But you are not a good mix for a future together and need to be free to make another future which suits you both.

Hard to do, but best in the long run.

baldbear

I think you know the answer here op. Don't have kids with your partner.

If you do have kids sex will be done. Sex is alot more that an orgasm. It's the intimacy, the closeness, the having a laugh together in that moment. Life is short.

Good luck.

Lesalare

I'm not going to repeat what the other posters have already said and it's generally the same advice.
I'd deffo not be having a kid with a partner if my situ was akin to yours at the mo.

I'm going to put another spin on this - mainly as I know a few fellas who have had this happen to them, but you'll need to sort this out and address it with her as last thing you possibly want to find out is she has done a test and she's pregnant. I am a woman BTW saying this.
You GF doesn't sound like the sort to be so devious but I know of a few women who have been.

You get what I am saying....

LegacyUser

I know people that married someone they didnt fancy just to get married and have kids.

They can put on a show of togetherness when required but deep down its like they are sad or something. You see it in them. A sadness. A negative energy sapping them. A lack of enjoyment in life.I think its simply they are unhappy becuase theyre with the wrong person for them. And they probably always knew it. Its a regret they carry.

Sexual chemistry is very very important. Dont under estimate how bad your life can be if you dont find your partner attractive and have a good solid sex life. Its probably number 1 really.

LegacyUser

It sounds like you already know this is not going to be right for you OP.

I was on the fence about having children, I honestly didn't mind either way, my wife really wanted it though so I was happy to go along with it. First son born a year ago and he's the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

Having a baby will significantly impact your sex life. You'll have a lot less time, one or both of you will be too tired, she mightn't feel confident/sexy enough in herself for months after child birth to want to be intimate.

Sex life aside, you won't have the same time for yourself, sacrifices will have to be made. I'm lucky in a sense that covid/lockdowns were already enforcing a lot of those sacrifices before my son came along, once things do return to normal, it will be more a case of not being able to resume some aspects of my pre covid life rather than having to stop doing those things on account of my son coming in to the picture.

My son is absolutely the greatest thing that ever happened to me, but it (with a little help from covid) pretty much brought my life as I knew it to an end. I do miss certain things, but I'm okay with it.

My wife and I were on the same page, we talked about the impact it would have on our lives, how we wouldn't have the same time for each other, all of that stuff. But we were on the same page before having a baby, we still are now and touch wood we will remain so.

I really can't see how a person would regret having a child, but I can certainly see how they might miss the life they once had and freedom that being child free brings.

It doesn't sound to me like you're okay yet with the upheaval a new arrival will bring to your life, and I believe in your case that is being driven by the fact that deep down you know you and your partner are on the same page.

Sex isn't the be all and end all, it's not the most important thing in a relationship, but that said it is still very important.

Honestly, I don't think the issue here is whether or not you want to start a family, I think the real issue is you don't feel that you're with the right person for family starting purposes.

LegacyUser

This the OP here - writing from my phone so apologise for any spelling errors.

Thank you to everyone who responded with advice, I have reread everything twice, to give everyone some context we are both late 30's early 40's so time is critical.

The situation is very very difficult for me, this woman is my best and probably only real friend and while sex & intimacy is very important in a relationship, so too is trust and friendship, right now I am really broken and without this form no one to really confide in. I am completely lost, one minute clam and accepting we are breaking up and the next in total despair and guilt ridden for wasting my GF time, even though deep down I always hoped for an Ephinay. I am now dammed if I do and dammed if I don't, (am I making a mistake by breaking up or staying together).

Whether my GF is sexually attracted to me I don't know, I have a high sex drive and at the beginning of the relationship everything seemed ok. I don't want to be in a relationship that others have described where I am a slave to a mortgage and kids with zero intimacy and grinding through life, my GF has blamed the considerable stress she is under for the lack of intimacy and I accept that, but I am not sure if there is a deeper reason, the sex is "vanilla" I feel like she don't really gets into it and never initiate it, the only time sex is on is when we are trying for a family, we now sleep in separate beds to help each other sleep patterns which is not helping, we have never had mad sessions or any of that, I know I am discussing sex a lot and it's not all about sex for me and my GF is a great person for me. I am working my way through this and what is best for me and her and it can't figure it all out.

Marmo1986

Fell upon my sword wrote: »

Hi OP,

I never post here, but I had to do it this time.

I am not sure how old you are, but I recognize myself in your story.
I got married at the age of 25.

Sex with my then girlfriend was neither frequent nor great, but I thought it would improve over time.
Like you, I also felt there were other important aspects to consider, like feeling relax and comfortable with each other in daily life etc. So I just went along with the plan, got married and had a child soon after.

Like you, I was not sure either I wanted a child. But my wife wanted one, and it just felt like the thing to do.

Fast forward 10 years, I haven't had sex in 10 years, and have zero hope of it ever happening again in my life.
No amount of keeping fit, doing the housework (i do most of it except the cooking, even though I work and my wife doesn't) or talking about it openly will change it. "Not interested, I won't change".
This is slowly killing me. I even dread going to bed at night as my neighbors have a very healthy (and loud) sexual life.

I keep thinking, "why not me?". Why am I here, working my a*se off during the day, studying at night, cleaning the house, and can't get anything I want. No sex, no intimacy, nothing.
How is that fair?
What's even the point of living when I can't get anything I want?
That's how much it is affecting me. And I know there is no way out of it. I am stuck. So I am just watching my life pass me by, knowing I'll never ever get what I crave so much. I am not even 40, and there is nothing to hope for in this life.

Luckily, I am blessed to have a smart and beautiful daughter.
Although she is the reason I can't get out of this situation, I love her more than anything, and that's the only thing that keeps me going. I work hard, study to keep competitive in the job market, to try to get her the best life possible. Mine is over, but at least I can try my best to give her a good life. I feel it's all I have. My own life is behind me now.

And the truth is OP, there is no one to blame but myself. I can't blame my wife for not wanting to be intimate with me. I wouldn't want her to force herself either. I can't blame her for being who she is.
It's all my fault: the warning signs were here from the start, but I ignored them.

PLEASE DON'T BE ME OP!
Don't spend the rest of your life kicking yourself. Don't set yourself up for a miserable life.
I can ensure you, you will meet someone with who you'll feel equally as comfortable as you are with your current girlfriend, but with who you'll have a great sexual connection. And then you'll be the one pushing for the baby, without a hint of doubt or hesitation if you want one!

Leave, get out now. You deserve intimacy and a sexual relationship! You're still young, whether that means cheating on her or leaving her entirely you need to address such a huge issue in your life. Do you really want to go another 10 years without sex? Don't be crazy.

Your wife is totally selfish by saying "Not interested, I won't change".

YellowLead

Hi OP, you say you don’t want to be in a relationship with zero intimacy - but that’s exactly what’s going to happen if you continue on this course - in fact it’s already happened.

It’s tough going when your girlfriend is also your only close friend - it’s often the case that people without a support system - family and friends - outside their relationship tend to make poor decisions on who to partner up with - because they don’t want to be lonely.

You say you are already trying for a family??? How can this be if you are unsure and have told your girlfriend you are unsure???
She is as guilty as you if you have told her you are not sure you want kids and yet she continues to press on. I am surprised you did not have this conversation earlier on in your relationship and parted ways when this being on different pages became known. She knew you were iffy about kids and pressed on with you anyway - so don’t feel guilty about wasting her time - she is as culpable there.

It’s okay to not want kids by the way - if you are in your 40s and iffy it’s either that deep down you know this relationship is not right for you, or maybe you know you have no desire to have children at all.

I was having sex with my ex partner twice a week until right before we split - that was after 18 years together! Daily sex for a long time and then every second day but still twice a week after so long - so it’s not the case that all couples who have kids or who are together for a long time stop having sex - people that have different sex drives. It sounds like you sex life has always been poor - if it’s not strong from the get go it has no chance and you’ll either find yourself having affairs or really resenting your partner when sex becomes off the table once the procreation job is done.

Nobody here can tell you what’s best for you. My thoughts are you need to break up for both of your sakes and find somebody you are more compatible with.

Good luck!!! You may feel relief as well as sorrow once you break up since you are so incredibly stressed right now.

TheadoreT

You're not damned if you don't. Theres no happy ending here if you stay together, there's much more potential for one if you leave.

It all sounds very mechanical and she can't even feign intimacy at times when you are no use to her(ie when not trying). She's at an age where her options are limited and in all likelihood if she was 10 years younger and had time on her side would probably end things with you and seek out someone more sexually compatible. But it sounds like she's ploughing ahead regardless of a deep connection now.
You cant destroy the rest of your life because you're too guilty of ending things with her, that’s insane. And being selfish as a man you're still plenty young to meet someone else and start a family under the right circumstances, this is not it, you know this.

LegacyUser

TheadoreT wrote: »

You're not damned if you don't. Theres no happy ending here if you stay together, there's much more potential for one if you leave.

It all sounds very mechanical and she can't even feign intimacy at times when you are no use to her(ie when not trying). She's at an age where her options are limited and in all likelihood if she was 10 years younger and had time on her side would probably end things with you and seek out someone more sexually compatible. But it sounds like she's ploughing ahead regardless of a deep connection now.
You cant destroy the rest of your life because you're too guilty of ending things with her, that’s insane. And being selfish as a man you're still plenty young to meet someone else and start a family under the right circumstances, this is not it, you know this.

OP again here - apologies for the constant drip of info.

This is an interesting post as I have often joked with her if she meet me 10 years ago, she wouldn't have dated me, I am a steady Eddie type and she was more the party type, last year she made noises about us breaking up and I started to make preparation to move everyone know before I did, normally I would have been gone, I never stay anywhere or close to anyone that doesn't want me, I even packed my bags but I thought I was over reacting and stayed, I wanted to make it work, I stayed because I thought we had something good, I thought then and up to today is was a good person

I went to counselling, then we both went to relationship counselling, there we discovered everything was my fault as i was on the fence about children, the lack of intimacy, the stress everything.

I am a very emotional person deep down very venerable so I avoid relationships but with her I felt I could trust her completely and now from the reply's I am starting to wonder if I have been taken for an utter fool, the nice things said to me, was it all lies? I know we are breaking up, she is building a head of steam, rows are more frequent, things said to me very hurtful with no apology afterwards (I have done similar but always apologies if I have over stepped the mark). saying I don't support her emotionally which is most defiantly not right, her friends are involved on the side lines for about 12 months. possibly with new suitors.


It's all so sad and lonely, its hell

Fell upon my sword

Seperate beds to help your sleep patterns? Your intimacy is already being sacrificed, it is not as important as the baby already, and the child is not even born yet...
The writing is on the wall OP.

I know this is hard to accept, and it's the most difficult decision to make, as your girlfriend is also your best friend and she is full of qualities you really appreciate.

But the truth is, as years go by, when you're missing sex and intimacy, you'll try your best not to become resentful, but you will. And the quality of your relationship outside of the bedroom will decline too.

For example, my wife is the smartest person I know, and I used to appreciate that a lot in her. I was convincing myself "ah, sex is not the only thing, having a smart spouse is more important." Nowadays, every time she makes a speech and shows off her smartness, I find myself thinking, "ah, if only she was not as smart but had some kind of sex drive instead". It's a horrible thought, but it is what it is. I can't even appreciate her qualities like I used to anymore.

Also, if something is missing in your life, you won't anymore be the happy person your girlfriend fell in love with at the start. It's all downhill from here, for both of you.
You don't want to hurt her now, but in the long term, it's unavoidable.

The last thing to consider is your own health. Your health definitely takes a hit when you are in this kind of unhappy situation. Keeping a happy face and pretending that everything is well 24 hours a day 7 days a week is absolutely exhausting. But you'll do it for your child. You'll also constantly be overcompensating, trying to be as nice and helpful as you can to your wife, to make up for all the negative thoughts in your head. It's draining. And if one day, out of frustration you make an unfair negative comment, you'll feel so guilty for not accepting your partner as she is.

At the end of the day, only you can decide what to do.
But please don't think ending the relationship based on sex would make you a bad person.
You seem a bit embarrassed about it. It's not something to be embarrassed about at all. Sex is a very important part of a relationship, and it is not shameful or vulgar to recognize it, it is actually very mature and wise.

Rubberchikken

Whatever about sex, but your relationship doesn't sound good or stable.
Yes she's your friend and a good person but she's slowly pushing you away.

Frequent rows. Putting blamem on you. None of this bodes well for the future.

I think deep down you know the answer to your dilemma.

JustAThought

Rubberchikken wrote: »

Whatever about sex, but your relationship doesn't sound good or stable.
Yes she's your friend and a good person but she's slowly pushing you away.

Frequent rows. Putting blamem on you. None of this bodes well for the future.

I think deep down you know the answer to your dilemma.

Agree with all the ‘don’t be forced or guilted into it’ posts above. Time after time men on boards post heartbreaking stories about decades of lonliness and intimacy and sex free ‘relationships’ and living in misery and hard work despite being married and having a random child from a relationship that was already over before the child started . in Ireland when the wife want’s you out you are then committed to funding her for the rest of your working life while living in poverty in your parents boxroom or a bedsit with no future for yourself or hope of fulfilling any of your lifes goals or dreams.

No doubt your GF wants a child but TBH she has options that were not available 10 years ago and can choose a spermdonor from one of the many sperm donor clinics here or in Denmark or abroad that casually offer this service. Because it seems that that is what she really wants - not you, but a baby, and someone to enable her to be able to have her own a house.

How long do you think you will be happy frozen out the way you are now and being demanded to do what she wants - a year, three years, ten?? How long do you think based on current rimance, intimacy and love will she ‘keep’ you after she has got the assets she wants - because it will be for her to choose after - you will have no say or rights.

Hard as it is to end something that used to be good and used to provide what you both wanted and needed and you used love and enjoy it would seem that the cracks have become canyons now. You cannot keep papering over them and turning a blind eye and hoping debt, financial worry and the massively disruptive force of a pregnancy and not really wanted baby and 18 more year commitment will change what your relationship and sexlife has become now to what it used be.

Sometimes everyone can see it coming except the person in the situation . If this was a close friend of yours telling you he used have a great partner but for the past 2 years it’s been serious issues, little intimacy, almost no sex and only for a specific purpose that you are not in agreement with, etc - and has now gone from professional help to the unbearable situation you have described - what would you say to that friend? You’d say to pack their bags and go home to their parents or rent an independent friends boxroom or houseshare for a big long break and headspace. You are being an emotionally boiled frog. It’s just a question if she emotionally beats you into submission or gets ‘accidentally’ pregnant first. It dosn’t sound like this is the kind of shared future you deserve.

Fell upon my sword

OP, I hadn't seen your last post when I posted yesterday.
You obviously know deep down something is very wrong, and that it can only get worse. It also seems you are made to believe you are the issue and this is making things much worse for you. You are not the issue.

Remember your own self-worth.Your girlfriend is not doing you a favour by being with you. There are people out there who will appreciate you for what you are, not for what you provide. You don't owe her or anybody anything. If anything, you owe your parents to be happy in life. That's all. You deserve happiness.

YellowLead

OP, being sad and lonely and in hell, as you ended your last post - is not how you feel if in a loving relationship. By leaving you may still be sad and lonely, for a while, but you will no longer be stressed and heading for a lifetime of utter torture. You will also feel a massive sense of relief.

It seemed from the first post that the main issue was lack of intimacy - the more you post the more you reveal that there is a lot else wrong too! Her making noises about breaking up with you, without actually doing it, sounds like a manipulative tactic.
The lack of apology when hurtful things are said are a massive red flag - it’s means she isn’t sorry and that she does believe the things she said, it’s wasn’t just the heat of the moment.

wildwillow

As in every relationship there is fault on both sides. I think you each want something different so it can't work.

Your partner wants a family. You are not ready now and probably won't ever be ready. It's very telling that you often want your own space.

It is time to be brave and let her go. You are both making compromises and life will never be fulfilling.

spaceHopper

This sounds like she is "gas lighting" you in to thinking this is all your fault.

Sex has stopped or become so infrequent or bad that it may as well have stopped.

She never initiates because of stress, she's blaming you for the stress.

Is it a case of you don't want kids or kids with her because the relationship is broken?
You haven't even had kids and already you are in counselling where you have been blamed for all the problems. Think back what did the counselor say, I'd lay money on it the counselling has stopped because your girlfriend didn't like the counselor because she called BS on her.

I can't see you being happy after having children and it will rub off on the children. As you said you are the steady type, the "nice guy", that's what she's counting on. Look up a book called no more mr nice guy and read it. You'll find it on amazon or a PDF online of search.

Starting over in your 40 isn't easy, but it won't be easy in you 50 or 60. What will happen when the kids are grown up and you both end up hating each other. Will you sell the house and both buy an apartment or will you end up like a lot of men in a bedsit in your 70's.

If I was you I'd focus on yourself and be happy maybe you'll meet somebody who makes you happy but you deserve better that this. In a way so does she.

TheadoreT

FAMILYMAN2021 wrote: »

I went to counselling, then we both went to relationship counselling, there we discovered everything was my fault

I mean I have to be honest this sentence is borderline pathetic. Guys wonder how they end up in these situations but being an overly agreeable pushover is good way to lose someones respect fast. Giving in to a strong character may seem the easier choice if its an amicable friendship you're after with one dominant and one submissive partner but its not gonna ignite any passion in her having this unequal power dynamic.

This relationship is a lost cause but if you move on try to stand your ground more in future relationships, it may feel uncomfortable in the moment but don't downplay the significance of letting them have their way all the time.

JJayoo

I can't imagine being with someone where there is no affection, never mind sex but what about kissing ? Or just no sexual physical contact?

Basically your sperm will make a baby, your wages will pay for baby and that baby will eventually grow up to think you were an asshole when you finally have a mental breakdown and leave when the kid is in their teens.

whomadewho

Every day I wake up thinking hopefully today I will see the light and we can get on with it but no luck I don’t know what is wrong with me but I feel stressed and pressurized all the time, and it's my problem, I often think of my life as a single man, living alone and I miss it, but at the same time I don’t want to break up with my girlfriend, I am completely lost and utterly confused and stressed.

I would appreciate any advice.

TLDR – Start a family or not?[/QUOTE]

Op, I could have told the same story word for word. I'm with the girlfriend along time but I knew from the start we were not compatable sexually but she is lovely person, good looking, get on well, all my family and friends adore her so I said I'll give it a chance, got myself emotionally invested so her I am. Things were bad for years before one day I just lost it which kind of got things back on track to level where I'm content.
She also now says she wants a kid, so we have been trying for a while, I get action pretty much when ever I want now which I thought was great, but my head is racing now, thinking when she finally when she does get pregnant, I'll be posting on boards again, why have I done this to my self when I am back stuck in a near sexless relationship again. I will only have myself to blame.
Our lives are so intertwined though, it is hard to know what to do. Sex is not be all and end all but you need to be satisfied on some level, but at some stage in life sex will be down list of priorities one way or another it doesn't matter who you are with, like I was talking to a mate out cycling the other day, he said between running his business and raising his 4 kids in the house he acually rarely gets the time anymore, and he his not really that bothered. At some stage your drive might slow down where it is not a issue anymore. Majority of posters are pointing towards the leave option, if you leave the fear of being alone will kick in, or the hurt you will cause to your partner, but in the end of the day you have do to what will make you happy. Best of luck with your decision, there is no easy option.

bitofabind

It might be helpful to come at this from a different angle.

When I think about kids, I think about what kind of environment I'd want to bring them into. That's the number one driver for having / not having them because it is literally life-changing to a child. My thoughts are based a lot on my own childhood experience, where what I needed more than anything was to be emotionally safe, seen and to see a healthy relationship between my parents play out and inform my view of the world. That's what every child needs. Not getting that is childhood trauma that drives their behaviour and their capability to seek out positive relationships and build a strong sense of self as they get older.

So think about what it will look like to have a child with a woman that you have no intimacy, sexual relationship or emotional support from, who blames you for everything, and makes you question her commitment to you. Think about bringing a child in that environment where nothing will change and these things will only get worse, as that's what happens when you have a baby. What sort of environment is that for a child? What does it teach them about the world, when mum and date resent each other, "settled" for each other and display no intimacy or affection at all?

It's very damaging OP. Your gut is screaming at you. Listen to it. It's scary, but you can do it. You can change this for yourself.

First they ditch their friends to spend time with you, then they ditch you to spend time with the baby and pretty much any other female relative/friend.

It is that cold and clinical, and so many guys struggle to get their heads around what happens as soon as the kids are born. There is never any warning about this pattern, but it's a ridiculously common experience for married men. No talk shows or anything will discuss it because, well, men do not talk about it.
Fell upon my sword above makes harrowing reading, but that's your future as it is the present of so, so many men. This is real life. And we only have this short one. Men die younger than women, and by some measure far more men take their own lives. Suicide is most common in the Irish population not among young men but rather among men aged 45-55 (Samaritans website).

End that nonsense relationship before you do something stupid like have a child with her. Do not let her talk you around. Before you have your talk have a massive jerk off just to minimise the temptation of deceiving yourself. Run. Fast.

LegacyUser

FAMILYMAN2021 wrote: »

I went to counselling, then we both went to relationship counselling, there we discovered everything was my fault as i was on the fence about children, the lack of intimacy, the stress everything.

I am a very emotional person deep down very venerable so I avoid relationships but with her I felt I could trust her completely and now from the reply's I am starting to wonder if I have been taken for an utter fool, the nice things said to me, was it all lies? I know we are breaking up, she is building a head of steam, rows are more frequent, things said to me very hurtful with no apology afterwards (I have done similar but always apologies if I have over stepped the mark). saying I don't support her emotionally which is most defiantly not right, her friends are involved on the side lines for about 12 months. possibly with new suitors.

There doesn't have to be a bad guy or a good guy in a relationship. You're probably both good people but the relationship isn't making you happy anymore or it's not progressing or not fulfilling your needs or there are resentments about certain things and so on...and that leads to rows, sometimes irrational rows where everything gets blamed on the other person but really the issue isn't either of you, it's that the relationship has run its course but the people involved haven't got to the point of accepting that yet.