Secrecy of one past relationship

AK2021

I feel that it's better to ask you for an honest advice than people I know, who would support me no matter if I am right or wrong.

I am in a relatively new relationship (6 months). Three days ago during our date we were causally chatting about our past relationships (duration, where we met, if there is any hurt left or regrets, etc.). My bf seemed absolutely ok to mention his past relationships except one, a very significant one (6 years long, ended in 2018) and told me firmly that he doesnt want to talk about it. I wasn't inquisitive at first, his past didnt matter to me in the slightest until he told me not to talk about this one ever... and added that nothing sinister happened to cause an end but if I dont drop this particular topic then he "will give a serious consideration as to whether he wishes to see me again or not".

I would hate to do something that would remind him about her and bring an unnecessary pain (if something still hurts him) or use a phrase, name, cook a special meal that will cause him some discomfort. Now I feel like there is some unfinished business between them and I am like an intruder.

I once dated a man who after 8 months came back to his ex leaving me heartbroken. I think I just somehow wanted to be sure that the past is really his past but now after being shut down so quickly I started to worry that maybe he is still carrying a torch for that lady. I always feel that if two people still love each other despite the breakup then they should always give it another go and I would be very happy to move away.

This caused me a great deal of sadness and as confident as I have recently felt, I dont feel confident now at all. I dont want to invest emotionally in yet another doomed relationship that might dissolve within the minute his ex-love calls him or when I (accidentally or not) mention her name. My best friend has the same name and my bf gets very alerted the moment I say that I saw "Mary" in the shop today.
If we had that short, honest and simple chat like we did before about all others, I wouldn't have given it another thought and would have moved on immediately but this "secrecy" gives me bad feelings.

What's your opinion on this. Am I right to worry or I should stop whining, respect his selective wish and just wait and see how it will all develop.

Big Bag of Chips

AK2021 wrote: »

I would hate to do something that would remind him about her and bring an unnecessary pain (if something still hurts him) or use a phrase, name, cook a special meal that will cause him some discomfort.

This all seems a bit over the top on your part. Do you honestly think he could have that reaction if you cooked a meal that reminded him of his ex? That you didn't know about? If so walk away now, before you twist yourself in knots walking on eggshells over something or nothing.

He might have been badly hurt by her. She might have cheated on him with his best friend. She might have conned him out of money. She might have been abusive. She might have been an absolute sweetheart and he treated her like sht.

I'd just leave it. He's not willing to discuss it with you.

However, for a relatively new relationship this is your second thread in a couple of weeks on him. I thought you finished with him because of letting you down on Valentine's Day? You need to consider if this relationship is worth the hassle, uncertainty and second guessing that seems to be going with it. You should feel relaxed, happy and at ease in your relationship. It feels like you're trying really hard to force this to be relaxed, happy and easygoing.

Its early days. If it's not the relationship you want it to be try the next one. It might fit better.

YellowLead

I would only see this as alarming of he was overly guarded in general and didn’t want to discuss anything personal at all.

One relationship that he doesn’t want to talk about is fine - at least he confided it existed. As mentioned - there could have been some real trauma there and you need to trust he will open up when he feels ready.

The fact that he has said if you don’t drop it he would consider not seeing you again seems to indicate that you keep pestering him about it - either accept he doesn’t want to talk about it or consider whether or not you want to stay with him - if it causes this much upset and anxiety.

If you are the same poster as BBOC has linked to the Valentine’s Day thread where he had to cancel for family reasons and you cut him off - then I would be worried that you clearly don’t trust him. Whether it’s warranted or not it doesn’t sound like a happy set up.

AK2021

Thank you, Big Bag and Yellow, such wise words. After he broke up with me on the Valentine's Day only to resurface 10 days later with no word of explanation, this new issue causes me so much more grief. I think I deserve better than to constantly worry about him and our relationship. Like you said, it does feel like I am walking on eggshells and watch my every move, word, gesture.

I better get out on this coming bus stop before I am more hurt.

Big Bag of Chips

Did he break up with you though? I know he cancelled meeting you, but did he know you took that as a breakup? Did you tell him? The fact that you say he resurfaced without a word of explanation makes me believe you didn't tell him that you considered you were broken up.

If you thought you were broken up, why did you accept him back without a word of discussion. I have to say I did think you were a bit hasty on Valentines Day. I know you were disappointed, but it is very possible he was genuine.

However, before 'getting back with him' you really should have been able to talk to him about how you felt especially having heard nothing for 10 days only for him to come back like nothing happened. If he didn't know you were 'broken up' did he not want to know why you hadn't contacted him during that time either?

You seem to be watching everything you say for fear of upsetting him. And he may not even be aware that you feel you have to do that.

It just all seems very messy, for something so new.

leggo

Yeah OP this relationship is sounding very messy and toxic already in its infancy, and I’m sorry but it sounds like that’s as much to do with you as him. You’re bringing your own insecurities to the table a LOT by making him not wanting to go in-detail about a past relationship about your fear of a partner going back to an ex, as well as you taking him cancelling Valentine’s Day plans as a break-up.

I can’t really get into much analysis of his behaviour because so much of what you’ve described is tied up in your own fears, insecurities and anxiety, so it’s not possible to properly untangle his actual words/actions and advise if you’ve cause for concern.

Being completely honest, you don’t sound in a good place to facilitate a healthy relationship and this guy doesn’t seem like a good fit to soothe your insecurities. Every single one of us has our own set of experiences, insecurities, red flags, dealbreakers etc that we bring to new relationships, don’t get me wrong. The thing is:

1) If we haven’t dealt with past issues or trauma, we won’t be able to open up enough to allow things to work and will almost subconsciously ‘reject’ a new relationship.

2) Even though we can’t be ‘fixed’ by other people and need to do the work by ourselves, when we’re with the right person the issues have a way of quietening not intensifying.

It sounds like you’re either getting proper red flags here or your brain is trying to send you massive warning signs that you’re not in a good place for a relationship and has you overthinking and sabotaging at every possible juncture to push the eject button.

To put that theory into practise, take the ex who left you for one of their exes for example: if you’re fully over that, you won’t be jumpy it’ll happen again because you’ll have healed and processed it, learned lessons and know what warning signs to avoid so will feel ready to start fresh with someone new and build something healthy. If you’ve healed and learned properly from that, you won’t ask questions if those red flags pop up, you’ll just be like “nope!” and be gone.

Honestly you can try micromanage each individual issue and be back here again with a new one in a few weeks, or you can take a step back and accept the bigger picture, take some time alone to do work on yourself and listen to the messages your brain is trying to send you here.

Yurt2

As difficult as a breakup as it may have been, to have a 6 year 'no-go zone' that you're not allowed to talk about is a pretty extraordinary condition in a relationship.

I've always given partners the 'what they need to know' information about my exes. If I was mostly at fault etc for the relationship failure; gave my honest appraisal and answered any wrap-up questions they might have about my romantic past. It's pretty important I feel. To have a massive black hole you're not allowed go near is...odd. And it's 3 years after the end of that relationship.

karlitob

“will give a serious consideration as to whether he wishes to see me again or not".

Drop him like a hot snot!

How dare he lay threaten you with such a thing depending on something you may say. If he feels that strongly about I’d tell him you have serious consideration as to whether you wish to see him again or not.


He clearly hasn’t come to terms with this part of his life. That’s his problem, not yours. When it becomes yours is when he can’t come to terms or deal with anything that will come up in the future between the two of ye - which of course there will be. Of his first instinct is to threaten you when you broach a difficult topic what will he be like when it’s something got to do with you.

TheadoreT

Definitely feels like you're being hypersensitive to this after what happened to you in the past, but its possible that your hypersensitivity may have stumbled upon something. Sounds like both your past baggage are colliding here in opposite ways. He may not have fully dealt with the hurt of a breakup properly and you're so hurt by being blindsided by your ex you feel the need to know everything about a partners past so you can feel comfortable to emotionally invest more.

Its really not spoken about enough but the baggage we all gather with increasing years and failed relationships really is the biggest hindrance to future successful ones. There's a nice quote from a film that kinda resonates with your hesitancy to let yourself emotionally commit to this. "We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything—what a waste!”

AK2021

You are all right. The innocent joy of dating this man is gone. I felt great at the beginning when conversations flew in an unrestricted manner but with passing months I started to receive short snappy answers quickly closing off each topic that he didnt want to participate.

BigBag, you are asking if he really broke up with me on the Valentine's Day or maybe just took a longer break because of how I handled
the dinner cancellation (he cancelled our evening plans that morning via voicemail saying with a strangely cheerful voice that he has a "little family emergency", which I replied to him via text that "I feel hurt"). I remember that a lot of boarders gave me a hard time pointing that I was selfish while he must be going though a challenging time with his family. I failed to explain to the boarders that he used the same reason when he broke up with a woman in the past so that's why I felt that he used the same cruel trick on me.

After all the negative comments I received in here I started to have second thoughts. I began to imagine that the man could be really going through a hard time with his family, maybe Covid, maybe a death, maybe some addiction, while I showed him no support or consolation. After 10 days of radio silence from each side he texted if he can come over for a chat. I agreed. Once we met my main concern was his family and I asked if they are all ok, which he replied "yes, why?" When I mentioned the "Valentine's emergency" he said "oh yeah, sorry, it's a private matter, I dont want to talk about it". And that was the extend of our conversation. I didn't pressure for answers because it's a "private matter".
There are less and less topics I can talk about with him. I quite often hear "I prefer not to talk about it", even when I ask about a work project he happily told me about weeks before.
So BigBag, I considered the 10 days of silence a true breakup. He probably didn't. Why did I accept him back? I dont know. He kind of came back like nothing happened and it took me by surprise. I was waiting for some form of an explanation but the "private matter" closed the conversation. We sat, we ate dinner, we watched a movie and he went home while I was left flabbergasted as to why I spent the last 10 days miserable trying to move on and why I still dont know the answer to what happened on the Valentine's Day. Maybe it's gaslighting? I cant tell, I am not objective anymore.

I am now a stress ball, watch my words, my moves, I lost my mojo, can't tell a simple joke, I caught myself telling him about the same event which I already told him before, I am not natural anymore. That's a killjoy. I wish he didnt resurface at all after the Valentine's and by now I would be coming to terms with the breakup. But he came back like if nothing happened, no explanation and more secrets and restrictions. The sad part is the realisation that now I have to start my moving on process from scratch again and when I finally tell him that I am leaving he will not try to stop me.

Leggo, a very wise advice throughout, and you are so right - there would be more snappy comments from him soon and knowing how sensitive I am I will end up analysing them to the tiniest detail and post yet another question in here. I thought I have sorted out my insecurities long time ago but this situation shows that it's not the case. I have to put a stop to this and not waste more time on someone who treats me like an intruder into his private life. Funnily enough, he often asks questions and I am like a freaking open book, no hiding, no game playing, he knows my shoe size, my friends and even my neighbour.

Thank you Yurt, Karlitob and TheodoreT, your input is much appreciated and you frame my thoughts with the exact words that I was struggling to put together myself.

tara73

Look OP, this all sounds so unhealthy from his part. You might have insecurities from past relationships but you are not to blame here. We all have some insecurities, but with the right person they doesn't really matter anymore and not creeping up even stronger.
Our gut is always right and it's not even about gut feeling here anymore, the more you write the clearer it is this man is behaving like the one with issues.

It's ok to not want to speak about past relationships, but this is getting too much now. the work, the never explained family issue he cancelled you on and what else.
are you sure he's not married/in a longterm relationship with kids and is just looking for some casual, secret addition and distraction?

sounds all dodgy with him to say the least.

If he’d just played it cooler you wouldn’t even be thinking about it but he’s went so overboard on this one that I’d have to know too. I know you’ll be dragged through the mud because of the nature of boards but I think your gut is right in seeing it as a major red flag and you should trust it. Something is very wrong to be that way about it and you’ve a right to know before you get in any deeper.

Big Bag of Chips

AK2021 wrote: »

So BigBag, I considered the 10 days of silence a true breakup. He probably didn't. Why did I accept him back? I dont know. He kind of came back like nothing happened and it took me by surprise. I was waiting for some form of an explanation but the "private matter" closed the conversation. We sat, we ate dinner, we watched a movie and he went home while I was left flabbergasted as to why I spent the last 10 days miserable trying to move on and why I still dont know the answer to what happened on the Valentine's Day. Maybe it's gaslighting? I cant tell, I am not objective anymore.

This paragraph should be enough for you to call it a day. I think he blindsided you a bit, and like most people you were partly curious, partly willing to let it go and call it a blip. But, your gut is right. There's something not quite right with this fella. I'm going to assume, if you think about it, cancelling valentines day wasn't the first issue you've had with him.

AK2021 wrote: »

I am now a stress ball, watch my words, my moves, I lost my mojo,

And this should reinforce your decision to walk away. You shouldn't have to alter yourself completely for a relationship. A relationship that works will just click into place. This is too much like hard work. Of course no relationship will be plain sailing and all couples will come up against struggles. But usually they'll move through them together.

I hope you do have the confidence to end this. Because this relationship will erode you. You don't owe him anything. This one didn't work out. Move on. You'll find someone more suitable. Or at the very least you'll be happier and freer without tip-toeing around this lad.

Gruffalux

Re Valentine emergency - "sorry it is a private matter , I don't want to talk about it". If you mention the other 6 year thing "I will give serious consideration to the relationship"...
Finish it up. You are losing confidence in your self because of him.

HildaOgdenx

karlitob wrote: »

“will give a serious consideration as to whether he wishes to see me again or not".

Drop him like a hot snot!

How dare he lay threaten you with such a thing depending on something you may say. If he feels that strongly about I’d tell him you have serious consideration as to whether you wish to see him again or not.


He clearly hasn’t come to terms with this part of his life. That’s his problem, not yours. When it becomes yours is when he can’t come to terms or deal with anything that will come up in the future between the two of ye - which of course there will be. Of his first instinct is to threaten you when you broach a difficult topic what will he be like when it’s something got to do with you.

Agree with all of the above so will keep my response brief.

That line stood out for me also. It's what I have seen described on another forum as the 'pick me dance'.

No, absolutely not, nobody gets to threaten another person like that.

pwurple

if I don’t drop this particular topic then he "will give a serious consideration as to whether he wishes to see me again or not".

And the other comment about disappearing for ten days being a private matter so he couldn’t discuss.

He sees you as a bit on the side. Or maybe a business transaction. he could have a main girlfriend, or maybe a wife, children, someone else he was seeing anyway.

You’re certainly not a partner in his eyes. He is avoiding lying to you by refusing to answer fairly basic questions. That’s a tactic. Lie of omission.


If you have self-respect you will not tolerate that. Don’t entertain him anymore.

The comment about not wanting to talk about the ex could have been explainable to a point (poor communicator, traumatic breakup etc. etc.) until the wider story about everything else that's 'wrong' with this relationship. Honestly OP why would you bother? It's really not meant to be this dramatic this early on, and this isn't something that will improve with time. I'd cut my losses if I were you, because in however many months/years it may well happen anyway and you'll be kicking yourself for not reading these signs.

Taeholic

Sorry OP, as hard as it is I think you have to let this man go. Him not wanting to talk about an old relationship is fine, its the I'd seriously have to consider breaking up with you that rang alarm bells for me.

You sound like you're walking on eggshells and living on your nerves. That's not healthy, for either of you. It sounds like a toxic relationship and from experience it will only get worse.

You're not happy with him, you said you're not yourself anymore. That right there is your giant flag to leave this man. I would suggest having an open and honest conversation with him but I honestly think he would manipulate the conversation and you would end up apologising. You deserve someone that cares for you and you can be yourself around.

tara73

Taeholic wrote: »

I would suggest having an open and honest conversation with him but I honestly think he would manipulate the conversation and you would end up apologising.

thinking the same. In 'normal' relationships you do that, trying to discuss stuff and going from there. But this is not a normal, healthy relationship and I defo think he has some other relationship going on.

therefore, I know it might be hard to do at the moment because you are somehow emotionally invested, but I would strongly advice to cut ties asap with him by just sending a mail/whatsapp that you are not interested in any contact anymore and that he should not contact you anymore.

otherwise he will wreck your head and self-esteem more and more.

Faith

AK2021 wrote: »

I am in a relatively new relationship (6 months). Three days ago during our date we were causally chatting about our past relationships (duration, where we met, if there is any hurt left or regrets, etc.). My bf seemed absolutely ok to mention his past relationships except one, a very significant one (6 years long, ended in 2018) and told me firmly that he doesnt want to talk about it. I wasn't inquisitive at first, his past didnt matter to me in the slightest until he told me not to talk about this one ever... and added that nothing sinister happened to cause an end but if I dont drop this particular topic then he "will give a serious consideration as to whether he wishes to see me again or not".

My best friend has the same name and my bf gets very alerted the moment I say that I saw "Mary" in the shop today.

When added to the other information provided both in this thread and in your previous thread, my gut would be telling me that he is very much still together with/married to “Mary” and you’re his bit on the side. He panics when you mention seeing “Mary” because he momentarily thinks it’s the person he’s in a relationship with, not your friend, and he’s afraid you’ll say something to her that gives the game away.

That’s my take, anyway.

Idle Passerby

He's manipulating you. Randomly disappearing and reappearing, certain topics are strictly off limits or there will be consequences, Don't ask questions - he's training you to be quiet and submissive so he can get away with whatever he likes and you'll just take it. Kick him to the kerb, he's toxic.

strandroad

He's making you walk through a minefield of arbitrary dumpable offences every time you have a conversation, why would you want to be in a relationship like that, toxic from the start?

Get rid, and find yourself someone who will laugh it off if any of you stumble into any embarrassing or sensitive topics.

wonga77

The interesting thing to me is that you haven't said one redeeming feature about him that makes you like him. It's all secrecy and let's face it, its a form of emotional blackmail to use personal issues and so on to disguise whatever he's up to.
The secrecy about the 6 year relationship only adds to the weirdness.
Id be getting out quicksmart and in time, when you look back you will realise that you had a lucky escape

HalloweenJack

Not wanting to talk about something because its painful is one thing, though its worth making the effort in my eyes as it gives you some insight into the person you are with, especially if you want the relationship to grow.

Not wanting to talk about a personal issue is setting the boundaries, he's telling you he's not going to let you in. You have to decide if this is what you want from a relationship.

That reading is being ver considerate of his feelings, imo. The fact that he has become so threatening and defensive about you addressing the topic makes this something far greater than him just being upset. He is actively hiding something from you. At best, he's still pining for his ex and doesn't what to talk about her so you won't catch on. At worst, he is still involved with her and is refusing to gice you any information that you might be able to piece together.

I'd say leave this relationship. At best, you will be in a relationship with someone who won't open up and that will never go anywhere in terms of getting clode to that person. At worst, they are acticely keeping you out of their life and who seriously wants that in a partner?

Neyite

Faith wrote: »

When added to the other information provided both in this thread and in your previous thread, my gut would be telling me that he is very much still together with/married to “Mary” and you’re his bit on the side. He panics when you mention seeing “Mary” because he momentarily thinks it’s the person he’s in a relationship with, not your friend, and he’s afraid you’ll say something to her that gives the game away.

That’s my take, anyway.

That's my feeling on it too. If he won't talk about it, he can't slip up in future chats. I'd bet he's very much attached to someone -either married or settled down and has compartmentalised his life.


Even if he was single, he's treating you like his bit on the side, not someone he's dating and seeing as someone to share his life with in the future.

AK2021

So here is an update to this sad story, a final one as there is not going to be any further contact between him and I.

Empowered and encouraged by you all to stand my ground and equipped with some great phrases but gentle enough not to cause any major upset I met with him last Monday to tell him how I feel and what had been bothering me for a longer while. I was hoping that he will see the issues with my eyes and maybe, just maybe, he will hug me and say that there is nothing to be worried about. But he didn't say much other than sitting there, nodding from time to time and asking silly questions like "do you want a snack?" or "I chose a nice movie for us tonight, should we watch it?", which was his way to divert the attention to something else but the topic. Like expected, he didn't try to explain anything or stop me from leaving.

I felt super sad that evening at home but a bit better the next day. The realisation of a breakup was coming to me in waves - a one big painful thought followed by a smaller one, easy to swim through. Then the Thursday came when I felt so low and had this overwhelming urge to check if he is ok. It was such a bad idea to reach out but I didnt see it that way then. One hour you feel good and reassure yourself that you did the right thing only to cry the next moment hoping to reset the time back to January when I was living in lalaland. I guess most of the brokenhearted people will understand this awful paralysing feeling to want to hear from their exes again despite the hurt. Sadly, late that evening I texted him that I just finished reading the book he had lent me (a lie but any excuse to reach out was good in my eyes) and that I thought of him. I asked if he was ok.
That was pathetic, I know. He didnt reply but instead he immediately blocked me on whatsapp. So now I have it, I asked for it.

Now thinking of the last week...for a short while I was finally in control of my feelings, saw how wrong we are for each other, made a grown-up decision to walk away only to lose it all the second I broke the silence and texted him. So he regained his control over me, over the breakup while I start the moving on process from scratch again.

Anyway, I just thought you would like to know how this sad story ends.

You all were right and I thank you for your opinions and the words of encouragement. Now I only wish people invented a pill for a broken heart or a time machine to move me to August 2021.

Thank you again.

Taeholic

AK2021 wrote: »

I felt super sad that evening at home but a bit better the next day. The realisation of a breakup was coming to me in waves - a one big painful thought followed by a smaller one, easy to swim through. Then the Thursday came when I felt so low and had this overwhelming urge to check if he is ok. It was such a bad idea to reach out but I didnt see it that way then. One hour you feel good and reassure yourself that you did the right thing only to cry the next moment hoping to reset the time back to January when I was living in lalaland. I guess most of the brokenhearted people will understand this awful paralysing feeling to want to hear from their exes again despite the hurt. Sadly, late that evening I texted him that I just finished reading the book he had lent me (a lie but any excuse to reach out was good in my eyes) and that I thought of him. I asked if he was ok.
That was pathetic, I know. He didnt reply but instead he immediately blocked me on whatsapp. So now I have it, I asked for it.

Awh I'm sorry that you're hurting OP. You have your answer now and I know that doesn't make it any easier. But please don't call yourself pathetic because you had one slip while your emotions are so raw. It will take time for your broken heart to heal.

Even though you've seen his true colours now you can't just flick a switch and unlove him. Be kind to yourself, you're a flawed human being just like every person on the planet. You will learn from this too, another step towards your happiness.

For now, do whatever makes you happy eg bath, put on your favourite movie or music, chat to your friends. Anything that doesn't involve him or memories of him. Easier said than done I know. I wish you the best of luck

Yurt2

I'm sorry to hear you're upset OP. This is a man with a lot of baggage and an unwillingness to deal with it. There are doubtless unflattering stories behind all of this behaviour you don't know about.

The healing starts now. Exercise, good food, good books, phonecalls with trusted freinds, take on a project. Turn your face towards the future as uncertain it may seem to you now. You are the captain of your ship, you are the master of your soul.

YellowLead

At least now you know it is fully done and dusted and you can draw a line under it and move on.
Allow yourself to feel sad and cry it out and then tell yourself what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. There are good people out there who won’t mess you around and now you are no longer wasting time with this guy you can leave yourself space to have a healthy relationship. Which starts with yourself!

wonga77

It probably doesn't feel like it but fair play, you did the right thing and although you're upset now, in time you will look back and realise you made the right call. If he really cared for you then he would have put up some resistance or at least questioned you.
Give it time, no point being with someone and having to walk on eggshells around certain topics. You will be just fine

rainbowtrout

OP, nobody here giving advice is perfect. Anyone who has posted and said 'go no contact' is posting it from experience, similar experience to you, and the benefit of hindsight. It does hurt now, but if you want to take any silver lining from him blocking you on WhatsApp is that there is no ambiguity in this break up. It's completely over. You can now start to heal. You will get there in the end, and in future relationships if you encounter a man who behaves like this you'll spot it sooner and call it out for what it is.

leggo

Well done OP, as you heal in time you’ll be more and more proud of your decisiveness. As difficult as this was, you couldn’t control the circumstances that led to it but you handled everything within your control well.

It’s a blessing in disguise that he blocked you tbh. You even said it made it clearer for you. Now you don’t need to even ask yourself if you made the wrong call (a natural thought during a break-up) or anything like that and can just go straight to healing.