Assess my poem

Piehead

Redemption

Overwhelmed far and wide it grows
Flying overnight, overhead
Trinkets in my consciousness
Clink clink clink but but but
I must survive to yesterday’s tomorrow

Checked before and again
Hoisted over the thoughts of life
Woke and awake
Crashed ideas on a road of ice
Find a way, find a way

Without a will of course
Without a debt of voice
Beginning and ending endless circles
Over and above
Sleep comes
Sleep comes

Sheridan81

I'm not fond of the rhythm, the syllabic count is inconsistent, which can be fine sometimes, but I find it a bit stop-start, not flowing. The last two lines of the first verse are an example of this, as are the first three lines of the second verse.

Some statements seem like non-sequiturs, some contradictory. If it wasn't for the title of the poem I wouldn't be able to discern the subject matter. I'm assuming it's about redemption of some sort, yet why or how you have redemption, what has been redeemed? I can't work it out from reading the poem.

There's little rhyme in the poem then the first two lines of the last verse are a couplet, which jars. I don't understand what "debt of voice" is supposed to mean.

It's a bit vague and it doesn't arrest. The only line which isn't completely bland to my mind is "Crashed ideas on a road of ice".

This is just my two cents, if you don't like it, just be grateful I took the time.

km85264

Hey Piehead,
Thanks for sharing, and well done on having the courage to share your creativity. You haven’t given us any background on where you are on your poetry path so hard to know what level of assessment to give. Sheridan makes a lot of good points and well worth taking note if you’re still working on the piece. As an exercise, you might think about writing down in prose what each verse means to you, then try rewriting and see if some of what you’ve put into the prose travels across. Have you read it aloud? Absolutely critical that you read aloud until you have the sound of it absolutely right.
Hope that helps
Kieran

Piehead

Well to explain parts of it -

Yesterday’s tomorrow = today

Piehead

Gentle bump for any opinions

ILoveYourVibes

Piehead wrote: »

Well to explain parts of it -

Yesterday’s tomorrow = today

Hi pie. Well done on the writing. And for being brave enough to put it here.


I know we all take work personally . I don't want to attack your feelings behind the poem. But i am just saying what i see.


Take out the preposition 'to'. Making it as follows...

I must survive yesterday's tomorrow.

The preposition is not correct here. You could consider using 'Until' I must survive until yesterday's tomorrow.

You need punctuation when removing a lot of prepositions and articles which you have done.

I would also consider re-ordering some of the sentences.

Overwhelmed redemption grows far and wide, flying overhead and Overnight.
Trinkets in my head clink clink clink. But ...But ...But..
I must survive (until) yesterday's tomorrow.

Checked before and again, hoisted over the thoughts of life.

Woke and awake, Ideas crashed on a road of ice.
Find a way, Find a way.
Without a will, of course.
Without a debt of voice.
Beginning and ending (in) endless circles.
Sleep comes.

Perhaps you could say 'Find a way without a will of course.' ??? One sentence?
And 'Without the debt of voice.'?



Of course you can leave it as it is if you are happy with it. But i always think when we are happy with something ....then we don't feel like asking others

Play around with it a bit ! See what happens

fritzelly

Reads a bit jumbled to me - as Sheridan81 said non-sequitur
Where's the "story" or the rhythm or the flow

But I'm no expert so ignore me

MontgomeryClift

When I read the first line I thought we might be in for some pentameter, and I would have preferred an entire poem structured in that way.

I must survive to yesterday’s tomorrow

Dropping the to in that line would make semantic sense, but would break the rhythm of the line, which is iambic with a feminine ending. That you chose to include the to in that line suggests that you have an instinct for rhythm.

I think you should work on that. Create a whole poem in pentameter, rhyming or not, on a non-abstract subject.

That is only my assessment, and I could be way off.

Shark7

Solid

Shark7

Solid

zv2

I like this but I'd leave out 'yesterday's tomorrows' altogether. Say something about today; this *** day (where *** = an adjective.)

HazeDoll

There's the basis of something but you need some development of images or ideas. The sentences could be rearranged in any order, with the possible exception of the final two lines, and the poem wouldn't be any different. This suggests everything is too vague. I'm not saying there needs to be a story or a sequence of events but there needs to be progression of some kind. Some of it seems esoteric or cryptic just for the sake of it.

I would try to express everything you are saying in this poem using one analogy. The icy road, maybe.

Whatever you do, your first line in particular might need another look. "Overwhelmed, far and wide it grows." Avoid using worn out phrases like 'far and wide.' I'm not sure if this is what you meant to say but that line means that whatever 'it' is in the sentence, it is being overwhelmed. If you mean to say that you are being overwhelmed by something that is growing you need to rework the pronouns. 'Dark and edgeless it grows, I am overwhelmed.'

Do you mean 'without a depth of voice'?

TristanKabana

Keep practicing. Thanks for sharing.